She's an Odd One

I sit at my desk, typing out a paper for my economics class as Claudia throws a little bouncy ball up and down on my bed. She tosses and catches, tosses and catches, her short blonde hair sweeping side to side with every throw, disturbing the swoopy bangs that cover the little heart-shaped birthmark on her forehead. She’s in an old fashioned dress with what I believe our mother once called a ‘Peter Pan collar’, her nicest shoes overtop frilly white socks.

“Claudia, what are you wearing?” I ask her, because I don’t think I’ve seen her so dressed up before. She turns to me at that, annoyed, performing one of the most professional little sister eye rolls I’ve ever seen. 

“Something fancy.”

“Well that’s one way to put it.”

“I look great,” she responds.

“Hmm.”

“Shut up, I look great!” She says again, this time tinged with laughter, which gets me laughing too. Claudia could always make me laugh. She throws her ball back up and this time it hits the ceiling, soaring back down much faster than she had expected. It hits her right in the face, but she doesn’t react at all. Just sweeps the ball back up and continues to toss it. She’s an odd one, that Claudia. I tell her as much, and earn myself a bouncy ball to the eye as she hops off the bed to look at what I’m working on. 

“So, what are you doin’?” she asks as she pushes my rolly chair away and hijacks my computer. 

“Well, I’m trying to work on a paper for Econ, but obviously that’s not going to happen anymore,”

“Nope!” she says, with a smile so mischievous that I release a sigh of laughter. Claudia could do that to people. Do something annoying, but manage not to annoy anyone. 

She shuts down all my tabs, and then closes my computer right as I try to take it back from her. 

“Oh, come on, Claude.”

“Come on what? No more devices! You’re gonna play a game with me. School is for suckers. What’s the point of it anyway?”

“To have a good future,” I say. I don’t know why, but just like that her smile drains away. The mood darkens for a second or two, before she’s happy again, just like she was before. She’s an odd one, that Claudia. 

“So, Henry,” she exclaims, jumping back onto my bed and making herself into a little burrito, “what fun game are we gonna play? I was thinking chess. Remember when you taught me chess?”

“Claude, come on, I’ve got work to do. We can play chess another day! Maybe next week, once my midterms are over, alright? And I… shit, what time is it?”

“I dunno, 10am?”

“I have a lecture in twenty minutes. I really have to leave, okay?” I explain as I pack my shoulder bag and head for the door.

“No! Please, Henry. Don’t go. Don’t go yet, please.” When I turn back to her, she’s curled in my bed, tears streaming down her face as I turn the doorknob. “Please, just skip this one class and hang out with me. Please, don’t go, please,”

“Claudia, I really have to-”

“Henry-” she says, her little twelve year old voice breaking, “just this one class.”

I’ve never seen her like this. So desperate. But it’s just one class. I nod, and she smiles again, happier than ever. She’s an odd one, that Claudia. 

I take my eyes off her for just a second to put my stuff back down, and when I look back the chess set is already out and ready to play. She must have had it in her bag, knowing that convincing me to skip class wouldn’t be that hard. I think about turning around and walking right back out the door just to show her I’m not that easy to manipulate, but I definitely don’t have it in me. Not if it would make her cry again.

“Please tell me you have a better strategy than last time we played,” I sigh as I collapse onto the bed next to her.

“Hey! Earthquake is a very legitimate, official defensive maneuver.”

“Shaking the board to displace all the pieces is definitely not an official defensive maneuver, my dear, cheating sister,” 

She winks and moves her leftmost pawn forward as I make a face at her. 

Three games in and I’ve won two and let her win one (she was looking frustrated enough by the end of game two to test out a new move, and I didn’t want to see what ‘Tsunami’ would look like). Halfway through our fourth game, my phone starts buzzing and I leap off the bed to check it out.

“Oooo very eager to get to our phone, are we? Would it happen to be a girl that’s giving my darling brother a ring on the old telee-phone?”

“If you count ‘Mom’ as a girl,” I respond, glaring at her without any malice behind it. I expect her to follow up with another joke, as is her way, but instead she stays silent, expression transitioning from brief surprise to dread.

“That’s mom on the phone,” she asks, though not in the cadence of a question. It’s off putting given her usual bubbliness and her attachment to our mother.

“Yeah, Claude. I’m guessing she’s just calling to arrange your pickup. As much as I love having you here you can’t stay forever,” I explain, trying to inject humor in my voice even as her dread intensifies and her look gets more distant. “Did you guys… did you have a fight or something?”

She focuses back on me and tilts her head, “Me and who?”

“You and mom.” 

She’s an odd one, that Claudia.

“No. But--” she inhales and clearly tries to turn her expression back to normal. It doesn’t work. “But don’t pick up. At least, not right now! We’re in the middle of a game. And if you answer she’ll come get me and then I won’t see you again.”

I snort at the absurdity of that. “You’ll see me again, silly. You know you can come over whenever you want right? That’s why I went to school twenty minutes away from home.” Even with her attempts at smiling normalcy, the air is heavy in the room and I can feel something is deeply, deeply wrong. Then it hits me.

“Claudia how did you- how did you get here?”

“What?”

“Did mom drop you off? Or did…” Why can’t I remember? How did she… I can’t remember anything before the bouncy ball, and my Econ paper. “Claudia what’s going on?”

“I just missed you so much,” she says, tears flowing freely down her face as she leans back heavily onto my bed, “It’s so lonely, being gone.”

“What are you-“

“I miss the days we used to have. I know you all… I know you all miss me, but you’ve continued to live. You go on without me. And I couldn’t be there for anything important. You’ve been making memories… and I haven’t been in them.”

“Claudia, what are you talking about?” I ask, even though deep down I already know. With a sigh of resignation, she puts her hand onto my forehead, and everything comes back to me. Claudia in the hospital, her hair gone, her heart birthmark bright on her plaster pale skin. Claudia eating her last meal. Claudia saying her last words. Claudia taking her last breath. Claudia in her casket, Peter Pan collar and fancy shoes, her eyes closed. 

I look back up into those eyes that I thought I'd never see again, hazel with little bits of blue sprinkled throughout, and scoop her into a hug.

“Oh God Claudia,”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry- I just- I missed you so much. I just wanted to see you. I wanted- I wanted life to be the same.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. But you know you’re never going to be gone, right? You may not be around anymore, but I promise you that we don’t make any memories without you. You’re with us. Always,”

“Thank you. I’m- I’m sorry Henry,”

“Sorry?” I question, tears streaming down. But I can’t stop a little smile from emerging. I really did miss her so much- more than so much. And now here she is, even if just for a minute. “Sorry for what? Whooping my ass at chess?”

“I know you let me win.”

“Never.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

She smiles mischievously, though it’s clear that the sadness isn’t gone. “I love you more than more.”

I laugh and roll my eyes, though I’m sure it’s clear to her that my sadness isn’t gone either. “I love you more than more than--,” I start, but a small gasp cuts me off when I see that she’s gone.

I can feel her smirking- she always did like to get the last word. She was an odd one, that Claudia.