CNA

      Write about a person who has been called to mentor someone in a special skill, but doesn't really want to.

           Look, man, I already know how to do this skill and do it well, why the fuck would I want to teach anyone else how to do this? For that matter, what kind of a sick fuck would want to do what I do? Did you tell them that all the people are old, ugly, and crippled? They ain't going to get one hot chick with big boobs or anything like that. You did, and they still want to do it? Are they queer? You didn't ask? Right, with my luck, they're probably necropheliacs. Very well, I can mentor them, but one more thing: Did you explain what all the ADLs are? Not just toileting? You did. And they still want it? They must be flat broke, high, stupid, crazy, or all of the above. Okay. 

*

           Hi, I'm Pat and I'm going to be showing you the ropes today. Did they tell you anything about what I do and what I'll be training you to do? The idiot looked at me with a fake smile. Y'all can tell it's fake because they's eyes look sad, their teeth be showing, and they's lips be curled up. I can see in they's eyes they ain't high. I can see it after my son tried shit. So, I ask them the nuts questions: Where are we? Do you understand what this job is? Date, day, time, season. If you came home and you saw your door was open and you knew you'd locked it, what would you do? The usual bullshit to see if they're a dumb lunatic or just dumb. They got all the questions right, so they're not a lunantic, great. So, I start making small talk, since the majority of a CNA's job is small talk. Weather. Oh, boy, look at what the weather's like outside today. Man, the day I retire, I'm going to kill all the damn meterologists so I never have to hear one more goddamn word about the fucking weather.  

           And sometimes the fucking weather comes on when it ain't supposed to. You know? We be watching a game show and then the goddamn buzz noise happens and they have a very important weather announcement and they spend two hours telling us there's thunder, lightning, and rain. I think they could get this down to thirty seconds: If you're a moron and care about the weather, look out your fucking window. Ok, back to your regularly scheduled program. But, this is what they need to learn, how to talk about the fucking weather and these clients' pains and listen actively like we give a rat's ass. It's been hot outside. Look what the weather's been doing lately. 

           Then, I have to teach this moron the importance of looking at the client's faces when doing all activities. Don't look at their pussies, don't look at the asses, don't look at their dicks. Of course, you'll have to clean all these parts of their bodies and put their soiled clothes in a plastic Walmart bag for their caregiver to take home with them. What? Oh, boy. You don't even know what the word soiled means? Goddamn it. You sure you want this job? Soiled means they pissed in their pants or took a shit in their pants or some other article of clothing.

           And another thing: if some moron brings their client in a button down shirt, tell them to go back home and have the client put on a non-button down shirt, so the clients won't unbutton them so they have something to do with their hands and when possible, men with men, women with women, so the clients will be less embaressed. If we're understaffed, which who the fuck would want this stupid job, then any sex can help any sex. 

           Also, we have to help them shower. That way, if they have a slip and fall, we can get the EMTs. Or if they can't reach parts of their bodies like their backs or their feet, we can help them clean them. Always ask if they want assistance or they'll scream bloody murder. You sure you don't want to be something like a truck driver, a proctologist, or anything else? Okay, just warning you. And you can lift adipose patients if you lift them like a purse. Grab their shoulder like a purse and lift them up. Lots of back pain in this job, but you still smiling.  

           Oh, yea, and if something weird happens and you don't know what the fuck to do, call nurse as loud as you can and one of the nurses'll come and help you, but remember the story of the man who cried wolf? Well, at least you know about that. 

           Then, there's sundowning. See, sundowning is a goddamn son-of-a-bitch. You know what sundowning is? Great. You know what to do if someone sundowns? Distract, distract, distract. Don't argue, don't argue, don't argue, unless their about to do something real fucked up. Like, once, this client said it was time to take a bath and I agreed with her and then she started taking off her clothes in front of everyone and nobody wanted to see that. Or, they'll say fucked-up shit like their mom's waiting for them outside to take them home or they have to call their grandparents even though these fucking clients are in their 80's and 90's. Ever thought of being a plumber? Ok.

           So, the doors are all locked and I'm giving you the passcode. Now, don't tell this to the dumbass clients or else we'll have to go on a wild goose chase and call the cops, ombundsmen, and everyone else. Oh, and the fucking state can come in at any time to do a random inspection of our fridge, talk to the clients, and do whatever the fucking hell else they want. Fuck the state. Fuck all the states. If the clients are happy, what the fuck does the state care what we do here? But, they do. 

           Also, you'll see a red D on certain doors, that means the client is diabetic. Diabetics can't get no sugar, period. They get fruit for dessert. Also, no caffeine, no salt, no high cholesterol foods, no eating out. Everyone has a prescribed diet. Also, forgot to tell you, most falls occur in the toilet when their transferring. Transferring from their wheelchairs. Breaks on to transfer, breaks off to roll. You taking notes right? No, no quiz, but you need to know what the fucking hell you're doing. So, you still want this job? Ok, I'll get you the W-2. Welcome to Hell.