How I Found Myself

There’s very few times in life when one actually chooses to stop and observe. Today, I chose to sit on a bench and simply watch time go by. It’s way harder than it seems. I feel like I should be doing something, or adding to this scenario, maybe some music? Sometimes only the presence of time is taken for granted, whereas it should be cherished. So I choose to sit still. And as I sit here I observe the people walking by, most of them running from the rain. Because that’s what you're expected to do, taught to do. Today I chose the rain suited the situation, and decided to get drenched. I can sense my future self scolding me for having given her a cold. It doesn’t matter today, today I feel different, it’s beautiful. 

The people we are today aren't the people we were yesterday. The people we are today won’t be the people of tomorrow. Some people will change and grow various times throughout their lifetime, whether it’s physically or mentally or both. Others won’t change at all. If you had the chance to talk to your future self would you do it? Or would you be too frightened of the outcome? 

I took a risk. 

I pray that I won’t regret it. 

future self, 

i write to you in need of answers. will i ever be proud of myself? when will i be able to find the strength to cut the bullshit and do something that i want for a change? not merely for the approval of others. for their opinions and pleasure. why, why do i wait around for others to bring me happiness? i know it’s foolish yet i can’t change. i depend on these people emotionally as if they are a drug. without them i’m flawed. without them i’m a stranger to myself. but with them, I dont feel free, i feel trapped and claustrophobic. if that makes any sense at all. 

all I want is that in years, maybe decades, i dont wanna be this useless chopped up liver that i am, weighing down the family. i dunno if anyone will ever look at me and think ‘damn that’s one strong person’. i want to be seen as what i say i am. all they see is what they’ve been told. 

all i want for me- you is that you’ve matured, that you’ve grown into someone I’ll love. 

also, you better have ditched those funky looking glasses

-you’re younger self 

Dear past self, 

You’ll be comforted to hear that I’ve grown to love myself, every inch. I wouldn’t be where I am now, if it weren’t for you, so I begin by thanking you. Thus, you'll probably be shocked knowing I still have the glasses and wear them frequently (I think they fit my face quite well, at least now). Anyways, I’m so proud of who I am. I am so very blessed that I don’t depend on others for my happiness, I discover it on my own. It wasn’t easy. I lost so many people along the way, because I chose to be true to myself. At the end of the day, it’s exhausting forcing yourself to communicate with someone who has no interest. We learned that the hard way. 

Next, you are not chopped liver! How could you- I possibly have written such a thing? On the contrary, all these responsibilities which I maintain are exhausting, but without them I feel empty. I feel failure. I can only imagine the days in which you had so little responsibility. How I wish I could go back to it sometimes, just for a while. My suggestion for you, is to enjoy those moments where you do nothing just for the hell of it. Just because you want to, or because you allow your body time to be in sync with the rapid mind. If you are able to do nothing, and find it reviving I envy you, because soon you’ll feel like a failure if you allow yourself to slip away from reality for too long. 

-Your* older self

Future self, 

It’s strange talking to you. I feel like I’m talking to an entirely different person. The way you write, the way you manipulate the words to flow into a sentence. And stringing the sentences to form a paragraph. I could never do that. Yet somehow you are me. 

What if I don’t find that turning point? That very one which privileges me to become you. What if I miss it? It hurts me now, thinking I might fall into the wrong ways and end up completely different than you. It’s terrifying. 

Which is why I’m choosing to surrender. Surrender to all those relationships which I put effort in, but don’t show effort back. Surrender to all those principles dominating my mind, restricting it to fly free and choose for itself. Surrender to all those people which make me look down upon myself, when I finally found the strength to look up.

PS- I capitalized all my sentences :)

-You’re younger self 

Dear past self, 

Knowing the person that you are, I’m sure your words have depth to them. We both know my words can go unheard, but prove them wrong, and listen. Therefore, with the knowledge I pass to you, use it to your advantage. Even if it seems useless, even if it seems impossible to accomplish. Don’t waste your time on things others think you should. Spend your time on your own pure content. Because only then will you experience ecstasy. All I ask of you is to live your life, and don’t let it stress you out. I know, I know, it’s something difficult and extremely selfish to ask of you. Something I shouldn't ask of you, yet here I am. Simply know that I will always love you. And with that, farewell. 

-YouR older self

And that’s how I gained respect for myself. It’s the story of how I fell in love with myself.