Endings

Lexi sighed deeply, gradually letting the air escape through her parted lips. A gentle whistle followed and suddenly she was snapped back to reality, turtling her head down and mouthing, “Sorry!” to the people on her left and right, where from her periphery, she could see the inevitable stink-eye being thrown in her direction.

              In her therapist’s office, it had been so effortless to close her eyes and breathe deeply while surrounded by overgrown house plants and stacks of dusty files. That same ease was unattainable in an auditorium filled with nearly 300 prying eyes. Her anxiety was so tangible it essentially occupied its own seat in the classroom. But she snapped back quickly as the pop-quiz was passed her way. How hard could it be? She had studied non-stop for all possibilities, pop-quizzes being a likely probability now that she was a freshman in college and taking a class with the ratchet and rumored practicing witch, Ms. Hyacinth.

              The final blow of the afternoon was delivered upon completion of the pop-quiz, when Ms. Hyacinth stood at the front of the room glaring at the horde of pupils.

“It has come to my attention, that there was a suspected leak of the finals exams. I have corrected course,” she paused, her jaw grinding like gears, “I am altering the original final from 120 multiple choice, to 15 essays and ONE verbal essay, arbitrarily to be orated in front of the class.” She closed with an ominous, “Don’t be fooled, I know who you are and I am watching.” She seethed, jabbing a long spindly finger seemingly at each and every student as she spoke.

              Lexi could scarcely breathe as she heard whispers of, “How’d you do?” “Think you passed?” “What did you get for question 4?” However, not one person directly addressed Lexi herself.

Even though, it was nearly the end of the first semester, Lexi found it awfully challenging to make any connections, close or otherwise, with any of her peers. This was not the first time that she was perplexed by how easy the social aspect of life came to others; when in drastic contrast, all she desired was time to herself. Most of her life she had been considered a loner and found solace in the silence. It was the swirling and incessant chatter of others that created a maelstrom in her fragile white matter.

              She quickly gathered her pen, highlighter and notepad stumbling as she stood while jamming it all into her backpack. Nearly tripping over her own feet and bumping into a few classmates without even registering the physical contact, she made a beeline for her dorm.

              She extracted her key, stepped inside and shut her most prized possession – the door. Her entire life, the door, ANY door, in ANY room was her most sacred item. It was the only thing, next to her Air Pods, that could provide even a scintilla of the tranquility she craved. She wondered if she was the only human alive that felt lonely and lost in a sea of people, yet secure and sane by herself.

              “God, you took FOREVER!” said an animated voice from the opposite side of her tiny dorm room. “I was going to leave soon if you didn’t show up. I gave you exactly 2 more minutes. See…I even set my phone timer. God, not like you have anyone to stop and talk to! Or wait,” she said, a sly smirk creeping over her face while tilting her head to the side, “did my little buddy make a new friend?!” The capricious brunette hissed as her smirk snaked into a spurious pout.

              Lexi’s only friend in the world, Alex, found a way to sneak in and surprise her. Alex, the only person in the world with whom Lexi felt comfortable being herself. Alex didn’t care if Lexi sat silently reading, or wanted to play dark, emo-music and wax philosophical. The two friends were intricately entwined; yet shared an unpredictable bond. They were as contrasting, in personality and appearance; night to day, black to white, love to indifference – none of which could exist without its twin flame.

              Alex had appeared at one of Lexi’s lowest point in her short 16 years. While all her classmates were receiving driver’s license and the ensuing freedom, Lexi was contemplating her purpose in life. It was complicated to be 16 and want to talk about existential probabilities and to have no outlet. Adults did not want to entertain her thoughts and peers sneered as they left a wide berth around her. The basic message being, “be yourself, but fit in more,” which left Lexi with a license and nowhere to go.

One chilly day in October, when the bite would have one scurrying for a warm blanket and a good book, Lexi took her most recent literary obsession, I Ching (or The Book of Change): A Guide to Life’s Turning Points, to the park. She burrowed down, almost disappearing in her quilted winter coat, on the cold, black wrought iron bench that was dedicated to Samuel G. Parkhouth. Not that she knew Samuel G. Parkouth during his life, but in his death she wanted him to be remembered, so she always chose this specific bench; also it was under the trees which were usually inhabited by irritating blackbirds with an ungodly squawk and therefore, very isolated.

              She was beginning to familiarize herself with the symbols in the ancient Chinese divination text when someone plopped down bedside her disrupting her bubble of serenity. Lexi became a statue with only her eyes straying from the pages to furtively shift to the right and frown at the invasion.

Alex extended her hand with a smile that transformed her pixie like face and started her monologue, “Hi, I’m Alex! I’m new in town and was walking around to see what this town has to offer. Not too much from what I can see, unfortunately. I was hoping this dastardly small town might have some people my age in it, so that I could meet someone, ANYONE before school. I mean have you ever had to enroll mid-semester? It’s excruciating. Anyway, you are the only person my age I have seen since I set foot out of my house this afternoon. So, it looks like you are it! You will be my new, precious minion.”

              Her out stretched hand hovered in the space between them the entire time she spoke. Lexi did not move to shake her hand; after all, Co-vid was barely a distant memory. Secondly, was she ever going to stop talking? Perhaps, if Lexi did not breathe, this “Alex”, would vanish as quickly as she had made an appearance.

              “Aww, come on! You have to have some life in you. After all, you can’t read a massive tome like that and not have any words in that pretty little head of yours, can you?” she scoffed indicating the book still partially covering Lexi’s face. “Silence, doesn’t suit you and if we are gonna be friends, then you have to lighten up and at least say, “HI!” it isn’t that hard, I promise you.” The impulsive Alex hopped up onto the bench and began doing The Shuffle. “See, you can’t NOT laugh at a random person you don’t even know dancing and making a fool of herself! It wouldn’t make any sense for you to keep frowning!”

              The corners of Lexi’s mouth slightly lifted, balancing between a smile and a grimace, after all this was new territory for her.

As faint as it was, that tiny twinkle did not escape the watchful eye of Alex, who broke into fits of laughter at having been able to temporarily disrupt the stony façade that encased Lexi. Slowly, Lexi’s grimace returned as Alex’s laugh began to teeter towards maniacal. Since Lexi yearned for others to express more grace with her own peculiar character, she opted to be that shining knight and provide Alex the benefit of the doubt.

 Alex did not enroll in Lexi’s school, but the two teens hung out after school almost every day in the park. Somehow, Alex’s interminable, and occasionally relentless, jabbering surprisingly did not faze Lexi. Her parents were enthusiastic for her new friendship, even though they never had an opportunity to meet the elusive and exuberant Alex. Their friendship was contained typically to the park after school, due to Alex’s strict parents and extensive study schedule, complete with extra-curricular sports and music lessons.

              Each day Lexi would rush excitedly to see what new adventure her ingenious friend cooked up for them. Her new best friend filled her with a lightness that she never knew existed. Her entire life had been stuck in the “what if” of life and she thought she was incapable of seeing the “now” side. Alex, with all her quirks and eccentricities provided Lexi an escape. She finally understood the allure of having a friend.

Lexi was aware of the dualistic nature of Alex and perceived her as the Angel/Devil that sat upon her shoulder. Alex had the ability to stretch Lexi out of her comfort zone. The mischievous side of Alex peeked out in suggestions to jump fences to inspect private property with “NO TRESPASSING” signs and minor misdemeanors like defacing park property. Alex would fob off Lexi’s cautious side with statements of “boring lives lead no where”, and propping up her ego. Even though the bottle rockets Alex persuaded her to pilfer from her own older brother caused a small fire in a field, Lexi continued to listen to Alex and lean into the foreignness of exhilaration.

    Alex would persistently joke with Lexi, “If I hadn’t sat down next to you on that bench, where would you be? I mean life can’t have been much fun before me? You are like my little puppy! You follow me around everywhere. Maybe you can even call me Master?” Alex peered at Lexi through her long lashes with a slight sneer and continued, “Oh calm down, I am just kidding with you! Besides, dogs don’t talk and I would never make you bark at me when I command you. What kind of friend would I be!?” But an impish smile would tiptoe across Alex’s lips as though she was considering the idea. Lexi, with no previous knowledge or awareness of friendships, would timidly laugh, but silently wonder if this was common repartee of companions.

      While Lexi settled into her new normal with her new best friend, she continued to have moments of mental distress and over analyzation with inescapable thoughts of harm.

The first inclination to Lexi that the descent into madness could be a short trip was when her parents reluctantly allowed her to drive unaccompanied. It was so easy to spiral alone behind that 3000 lb. piece of steel, trees and houses blurring in her periphery. The amount of destruction that she could create with a flippant twist of that grainy polyurethane covered wheel.

     That one moment gravely impacted her as she pulled to the side of the road, physically and mentally immobilized by a panic attack. It took 30 minutes to steady her shaking hands to call her parents and sobbingly ask them to pick her up. She quickly concocted a guileless fib of being cut off in traffic and skidding to the side of the road. They would never understand the intensity with which her mind howled like a banshee for her hands to whip that steering wheel back and forth.

     Even though she never shared the pervasive thoughts with her parents, they began to take notice of her mercurial attitude that belied her smile and seemingly haunted her eyes.

There was the panic attack that arose when her mother bought the wrong kind of peanut butter for lunch; however, Lexi explained, she was exceptionally anxious due to exams, plus she had started her period.

Then there was the meltdown when her older brother accidently broke her favorite Christmas tree ornament and she retaliated by crushing and throwing all the other ornaments, while racing up the stairs to her room proclaiming in her wake that she refused to celebrate Christmas this year. However, Lexi explained that the passing of her beloved grandfather in May, categorically changed her feelings about the upcoming holiday and that was the cause of her emotional outrage.

     The situations seemed to escalate and explanations became unreliable and flimsy. It was not until her parents noticed during holiday break that she spent most her time alone in her room, barely showering and eating. She, again, explained her behavior away by saying that she was merely unhappy because Alex was out of town and she was not able to see her best friend. As parents do sometimes, they saw beyond the excuses and justifications and decided it was time for more drastic measures.

Lexi began her first round of medication 2 weeks after her 17^th birthday, just as her junior year ended. Her parents said they wanted to see how she faired during summer break when the pressure was more forgiving and provide a cushion for adjustments prior to college. They always added, “If you are thinking of college?” The question hung in the air like stale milk, and Lexi could not comprehend the implication because undeniably she was going to University. She had a 4.0 GPA, top student in her honors classes and was pushing to receive the coveted Davidson Fellows Scholarship, a literary grant.

     She assumed that beginning a new medication, while preparing for her college essays, may hinder her concentration and focus. However, she secretly yearned for it to relieve some of the unyielding, negative thoughts that seeped into her mind daily.

Oddly, it was around this time that Alex ultimately ghosted her.

They hung out in May, but that misguided escapade concluded with Lexi in the principal’s office for being on school grounds after hours with a can of spray paint in her hand. Again, Alex’s brainchild to try something daring before University. Once Lexi was reprimanded by the principal, she found Alex, eagerly roaming the park like a lioness in a cage waiting for raw meat. It wriggled in Lexi’s mind that she may be dinner.

 “I told you to run! Why do you never listen to me? You are like a child sometimes,” Alex bulleted out to Lexi. “Besides, why are you so angry? You are the one that said you wanted to be remembered. Whatever that means! What could be more iconic than spray painting your name on the school building?! Yeah, I get it, it’s a little uninspired and pedestrian, but in its own right, it is the quintessential “Fuck you!” to the man. And who would not remember Lexi Sunders as the biggest bad-ass in the history of the school. It would definitely put you in a new echelon for your senior year! Oh my God, what would you do without me, little Lexi Sunders?” As Alex’s mordant tirade continued, her voice pitched higher and the color rose to her cheeks. Lexi never felt so alive and matched Alex’s fervor as her heart thumped in her chest.

But all of those feelings of elation vanished with a small sip of water as she washed down her new, chalky crutch.

Her senior year flew by with fewer panic attacks, the loss of a friend and void of any passion in her small frame. Everyone seemed pleased with her acquiescence to the medication; and Lexi leveled off as her world turned grey and dull. She surpassed all expectations during finals and was accepted into her first choice University, scholarship in hand.

Coincidentally, it was during this petrifying transition into college life that she happened upon Alex a week after moving into the dorms.

It happened one afternoon as Lexi was sitting on the east side of campus, on a bench, under a tree, unfrequented by others due to the abysmal lack of lighting and the nearby dumpsters with a palpable stench that danced on the tip of the tongue.

Alex miraculously materialized, almost identical to their first encounter, and swept her into a bear hug that took Lexi’s breath away. She had not felt this rush of life under her skin since the day the high school principal found her with a can of spray paint. Time had stood still, as if their friendship was a pre-historic fly fossilized in amber; perfectly encapsulated; not tarnished by past negativity.

 It was Alex who suggested Lexi begin to lower her medication, duplicitously declaring it made her “a creepy ragdoll with saucer eyes, as though she was praying to an unseen deity.”

As she titrated the dose down, Lexi felt as though the blood was rushing back into a limb gone numb. That excitement was followed by the thoughts, anguish over simple daily tasks, endless nights of writing and re-writing reports, over-analyzing the actions of others towards her, and the overwhelming belief that as endless as life appeared at 18, endings always happened at one point or another. It was as though that Devil never left, he was simply sneering in the wings, licking his chops, waiting to welcome her demise.

But she had her best friend back in her life.

That day in her dorm room, with massive, life-altering thoughts spinning in her head and the ultimate fear of public speaking to pass Ms. Hyacinth’s class, Alex suggested they have a little fun to alleviate some tension.

Alex, who always appeared when Lexi needed her most, knew exactly what her best friend needed.

    “Endings always happen, dear Lexi,” she intoned, “Do you want things to happen to you? Or do you want to make things happen? Take part for once in your short life,” Alex’s eyes blazed and her melodic voice hypnotized Lexi. Lexi vacantly stared at Alex, mesmerized, salivating with the tempting thought of never having to complete that final verbal essay in front of all those judging stares.