The Call

“So, you’ll be here at 7:30, right?”

“Isn’t the party starting at 7?”

“Yes, but since when have you been on time?”

“When it matters.”

“I’m telling my sister you said she doesn’t matter.”

“Hey! It’s not my fault if I’m stuck in a jam.”

“You’re not even out of the house yet are you?”

“ . . . I’m considered out.”

“You’ve just showered.”

“I knew it! You had cameras secretly installed here. You have them all over. That’s why you know what I’m doing all the time.”

“Baby, you’re getting further and further away from the phone. What are you doing?”

“I’m hunting for the cameras.”

“There aren’t any.”

“Says who?”

“Says me.”

“Say open.”

“Open.”

“Says me.”

“Open sesame.”

“I like how your mind works.”

“And I like how you’re just delaying.”

“I’m not!”

“Are you out of your towel yet?”

“. . . I am now.”

“I honestly don’t know what to do with you.”

“What? I don’t take forever to get ready. Just give me . . .ten minutes . . .and I can be out of the house.”

“I think you should just hang up and do your stuff first.”

“So you don’t want to talk to me?”

“I do, but you get distracted.”

“If I switch to video call, you’re going to be the one who’s distracted.”

“Try me.”

“You sneak.”

“Go ahead.”

“Fuck off. I’m going to be distracted.”

“I think I know you better than you know yourself.”

“Oh yeah? Then guess what I’m doing now.”

“Flipping me off.”

“I’ll look for those cameras later. Should I wear the black dress or the pink one?”

“Is the pink the one with the ribbons behind?”

“Yes.”

“Wear that.”

“But the black will hide my tummy if I eat too much.”

“You mean when you eat too much.”

“Not my fault your sister is a great cook.”

“I love your tummy, baby.”

“Aw, thanks, hun. I love yours, too.”

“You mean my washboard abs.”

“I’m wearing the black dress.”

“No, wear the pink! You’ll look amazing. You always do.”

“Maybe I’ll wear pink and black.”

“Don’t be an idiot.”

“I don’t think I want to wear any make up.”

“At least do the eyebrows, babe.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that, but not the eyeliner and cheek stuff.”

“Which would take you another day to do, and you’d miss the party altogether.”

“Hey! At least I’m making an effort.”

“I know you are. Make sure the brows don’t look fake this time.”

“You try drawing it on.”

“I have.”

“And you took forever, too.”

“You’re annoying. Can you just get ready?”

“Pfft, what do you think I’ve been doing since you called?”

“Wasting time.”

“You know, if I wasn’t talking to you, I’d have been out the door five minutes ago.”

“Great, now she’s blaming me for her tardiness. I reminded you of the time 2 days ago, and yesterday, and twice today. How are you still not able to be on time?”

“My watch failed.”

“Let me guess: your phone glitched, too.”

“It’s like you read my mind, bro.”

“Are you going to bring the cards?”

“Yeah, they’re already in my bag. I hope you and your siblings are prepared to lose.”

“To your sorry ass? I hope you’re prepared to run with your tail between your legs when we - sorry, I - expose what a cheat you are.”

“Okay, one, you wish I had a tail, and two, I do not cheat; I play my hands strategically.”

“Breaking the rules means cheating.”

“Oh, so if I go against the arrows in the parking lot, I‘m technically cheating at life?”

“It’s not the same and you know it. If you cheat on a test, it’s breaking the rules.”

“The whole point of a test is to not cheat!”

“And the only rule of a test is to not cheat.”

“We’re playing a card game whose rules can be bent according to the players, not sitting for Chemistry.”

“We’re playing a card game whose rules are only bent because one - “

“Bev does it too!”

“ - two of the players insist on making the game harder.”

“Come on, babe, you gotta agree that it’s more fun that way. If we stuck to the regular rules and played, we’d have to start a new game every 10 minutes. The way we play now - “

“ - leaves us stuck in one game for two hours.”

“I know, right? They should put us in a tournament.”

“Do you think they really have tournaments for that?”

“Maybe. Or we could just create one. I mean, how hard would it be to organise it?”

“Sometimes I wonder if you remember that I’m an event organiser.”

“You make it look easy.”

“If you made teaching those kids look hard then you wouldn’t be much good at your job, would you?”

“Touche, my friend.”

“You’ve left?”

“Just out the door. How did you know?”

“Your keys. You got ready pretty quickly.”

“I told you, I’m going to be able to make it on time.”

“You had better not speed.”

“I won’t. Trust me. With the roads wet like this, I wouldn’t speed even if you paid me to.”

“In other words, if the roads were dry, you’d speed?”

“They’re your words, not mine. You’re the one plucking and placing words in my mouth.”

“I’m not. I’m wording what’s already in your subconscious mind.”

“You don’t know what I think about.”

“Bet on it.”

“Two weeks’ worth of coffee on the loser.”

“Bold move, Ramsey. Bold indeed. You don’t just have to prepare to be humiliated tonight, you gotta prepare for the hole in your wallet as well.”

“Oh, shit, I forgot you have a full week of events next week.”

“I like how you’re just digging your own grave.”

“I like how you want me to die without you.”

“I like how you’re just assuming I’ll let you die without me.”

“What, so you’ll just die together with me?”

“Romeo and Juliet style.”

“You’re crazy!”

“Crazy for you.”

“Babe! But seriously, no one is suspicious about the party we’re hosting this weekend? So soon after your sister’s birthday?”

“I told them it was a party to celebrate your new job.”

“My new job as . . .?”

“My future wife.”

“I’m marrying a corndog. I knew it. Oh, what have I gotten myself into?”

“And I’m marrying a woman-child who insists that there’s treasure at the end of the rainbow.”

“Everytime we get there the rainbow’s faded! But treasure or not, baby, there’s no one I’d rather drive to the end of the rainbows with than you.”

“Hypocrite.”

“What can I say? You bring out the cheese in me.”

“My sister has a charcuterie board out by the way.”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?”

“Because I know you’d rush.”

“I won’t. Wanna know why?”

“Enlighten me, my cheese queen.”

“Because if it finishes by the time I get there, I’m telling everyone what happened last week.”

“. . . you wouldn’t dare.”

“Try me, Bentley.”

“You promised!”

“Some were meant to be broken.”

“You swore!”

“I had my fingers crossed behind my back.”

“You fucking cheat.”

“You taught me this trick. Now, you reap what you sow.”

“You’re just becoming sneakier and sneakier by the day. I fucking love it!”

“And I love you.”

“I love you, too, baby. Are you going to get here any time soon? I miss you. I want to hug you.”

“I’m about 10 minutes out. What’s the situation like?”

“Half of them are already here. Uncle Hal’s family isn’t yet. Aunt Jane and Aunt Viv, too. You’ll make it on time.”

“What about Penny?”

“She’s in the kitchen with my sister.”

“Can you make sure she stays there until I come? I still owe her for that heart attack she gave me the last time we were all together.”

“Are you going to get any food or drink spilled over her?”

“No. But I do need you to record her expression when I come barging into her from behind like a linebacker.”

“In the kitchen.”

“. . . just make sure she’s not aware of my arrival.”

“No, you gotta pick one. Either I defend your charcuterie rights or keep Penny busy.”

“Best two out of three?”

“What’s the third?”

“You make sure I don't get placed next to Uncle Hal.”

“Okay, deal.”

“It is so easy to lure you in, my little fawn.”

“You’re lucky I’m going to marry you.”

“I know. Even if I didn’t know you, I’d still be envious of anyone who got to know you. You’re my twin flame. You belong with no one else but me, and I to you. Heck, even if I didn’t know you, and I saw you getting married to another person, I’d come crashing in before your vows.”

“You’d object, huh?”

“I’ll even bring a judge with me, if that’s what it takes.”

“Are these going to be part of your vows?”

“. . . Yes, but I’ll dial down the drama.”

“Keep it. Be you. I want to marry you, not the cover version you put on for the world to see.”

“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Noted, ma’am. It’s been 10 minutes.”

“Baby, it hasn’t. Just a while more and I’ll be there okay? Five minutes and you’ll see me and think, “Ah, her again.””

“Right, and I’ll be thinking that when I wake up next to you every day, and eat with you every day . . .”

“. . . and take walks with me, and warm showers with me.”

“And you’ll probably get tired of me - “

“ - which is a lie, because you’re my favourite person.”

“What a coincidence! You’re mine, too.”

“So we agree we’ll never be bored of one another?”

“Agreed. Are you here yet? Come onnn, it’s been ages.”

“You’re even more dramatic than me. I’m right at the junction. This stupid traffic - ”

“Babe? What was that sound? Why is it so loud?”

“Why aren’t you answering??”

“BABY! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SOUND? I could’ve sworn - WAS THAT A CRASH?.”

“Are you okay?!”

“For fuck’s sake, answer me!!”

“Baby!! What happened?! Are you okay?!”

“Where are you??!! That sound! Whose voice is that?!”

“Say something, damn it!!”

“Fucking hell, why is there - I’m coming. You were right outside. You were right there. Babe! Oh, fuck. Where - Fuck out of my way! Oh, God, please. Please. Baby, please. Not now.”

“Babe! What the hell is going on?!”

“Don’t do this to me, please!”

“Get out of the way!”

“I told you - Baby, answer me! - You were just talking to me - not to speed. You promised - ”

“No. NO!! Please no!! Not her. Please, not her. Please.”