A lonely mother

Alone , all alone , the silence has killed every spot of happiness inside of me , and lowliness has vanished all the ashes that has left from that flame . I don’t think I remember how I look like anymore , never saw myself since I was alive , since I was free . All I see is darkness and all I can smell is iron , the iron of my prison bars that I’ve been stuck in it since more than three years . Forgot what it feels to walk under the sun and on the fresh grass breathing the air brought with the wind that keeps playing with my long black hair . I did all it takes to distract myself to not end up crazy like the others , or not to keep thinking of how great it would be to be able to kill myself and end all this pain because I’m already dead Inside , I can’t even recognize my dreams from my bitter reality , still have the hope that one day I would wake up and end up in one of my nightmares but as the days go on endlessly in here , that hope is starting to shrink , it gets smaller and smaller until it will disappear with the rest of my hopes and wishes that are trying to survive in my dark mind . Laying down on my back looking at the ceiling on top of me that has no color maybe the color of sadness , trying to just hear a sound any sound that can would make me feel less alone , any sound that is not generated by my own breathing but as I lay there for what it feels forever , I hear the sound of the jailer telling that it’s time to eat , as I’m leaving my cage I take a deep look at the jailer starting to ask myself if she really cares about me when she’s obviously just doing her job , but the craving of feeling important to someone is killing me , when even myself is just to tired of taking care of me . Suddenly the scream of the kitchen worker “Next” wakes me up from my thoughts , and I move as I’m told to an empty wooden table to eat my tasteless vittles and just like that I remember my son that I miss so much , his loud laughers are echoing  in my head like a beautiful sensational song that fill me with peace in all my aching bones  . I remember his little face more than mine , he had a curly black hair just like mine that always smells like blooming jasmines , and he had a white almost shiny clean face with big always happy eyes . He was three years and five months old when they took me while I was hugging his little quiet sleeping body and that was the last time I’ve seen my son that I consider as the most precious thing I have in this world , he’s the one who took me out of a deep dark world I was struggling to deal with , but ever since he was born , sunlight and rainbows and live colors invaded my pitch black mind and I was happy for the first time since my childhood . He was the reason I woke up in the morning to face another day , he was the reason I endured everything and he was the reason I stayed alive when all I wanted to do is to leave and quit this harsh and cruel world . I loved him with all the feeling I had left . the thought of my only child makes me want to cry but I have no tears left after my sleepless nights . As I finish my food I go back to my cage with my heavy empty body that became sick and tired of carrying me in and out during these years . I lay back again and look at the same ceiling again hoping I recall the beautiful memories of my son but instead my thoughts slowly drift to the first time I knew I was pregnant , “you’re in your third week “ announced the doctor, the shock was so hard I couldn’t hear anything else the doctor was saying all I could see is his moving mouth and reassuring face , ‘ where can I take an appointment for the miscarriage ? ‘ is all I wanted to say but instead I just left the hospital feeling scared , scared of what’s coming . I never imagined myself as a mother , I was sure I’m going to be a bad one but the urge of having someone who would look up to me was so strong , someone who would not judge me ,and who wouldn’t call me crazy , and I felt hopeful and for the first time I actually wanted to work on myself to be a better person for my unborn child . So eventually I decided to keep the baby even though almost all the people that I knew kept telling me the same thing ‘you can’t even take care of yourself how would you raise a child , you are not made to be a mother , he’s going to be an unhappy kid ‘ those words kept echoing in my mind for the whole nine months of pregnancy until it was too late to change my mind and then it happened , the birth of my son . He was so little I was worried to hold him in my arms in the fear of crushing him, he was a little angle sent by god to enlighten my life and he was MINE. When I first saw his tiny red face every fear of regretting keeping him drained simply and instead, I was so grateful . 

“You’re going to hell, you crazy sicko!” screams one of the prisoners passing next to my jail with a jailer , snapping me from my reminisce , and her words kept repeating themselves over and over and over like an everlasting melody . And then I started to ask myself  why would she say that , why do people in here hate me so much , why am I even here ? what did I do wrong ? was I a bad person ? all those questions that I feel tired of asking myself every day without finding an answer it’s like my memory is hiding something dark and dangerous in somewhere deep in my head , or maybe I am innocent an those people are wrong .Trying to push those ideas away , my eyes close slowly and I sleep and in my dreams I find myself standing in front of my bathroom mirror , looking terrified and scared and I almost can’t recognize myself it’s like I’m looking to a another version of myself or even possessed , suddenly I take a look at my hands they are full of blood and I’m shaking so I scream so hard that I wake myself up from that weird nightmare that almost looked so real . I open my eyes and it’s already the time to eat . 

As I sit down with my plate on the table ,  an idea snaps in my head and I get up with my plate and move to another , there I find another prisoner that I recognize , she was in this prison even before I came but I’m not sure what she committed to be here , she was always quit but she knew everyone which makes her perfect for the idea I have in my mind . I sit closely to her and she raise her head to give me a strange look as if she was surprised that I would approach her ,

 “what do you think you’re doing this is my table “ she tells me with an angry look 

“I’m sorry, I promise I’ll leave, I just want you to answer my question, I really need an answer , please ! “I say without any hesitation 

“what would make you think I have the answer “ 

“well, it’s worth trying !” I say while giving her a fake smile 

And I continue “ I really want to know why am I here I honestly can’t remember anything , it’s been three years and it’s harder everyday  trying to find the answer when no one wants to talk to me “ I look at her almost begging her for a hint 

“ I told them they should’ve put you in a mental hospital , I told them you were insane , otherwise why would you do that “ she says with a dark look on her face almost if she hates me 

“what are you talking about? I’m not crazy, what did I do that makes you think I’m crazy “

“because you killed you’re damn son “ 

I take a few seconds to elaborate what she just said and I realize she must mistaken me with another prisoner 

“WHAT !! NO that is impossible, you must be confused ,  my son was alive when they took me , he was sleeping “ as I say those words I recall that night and he was for sure sleeping 

“what would makes you think I killed my son , he was everything to me , HE WAS MY LIFE ! “ I scream those last words so hard that everyone in the place started looking at us , and then a jailer took me back to my jail without having the chance to finish my interesting conversation in which I didn’t have my answer , killing my child ? the thought is so shivering , there is no way , I wouldn’t even hurt him in any way let alone taking his life  . I lay again to stare at the ceiling and I take a deep breath , I just want to remember anything , I drift my mind back to that night when I was holding my son , and I close my eyes trying so hard to remember what happened before that moment , why was I crying , I need to know what happened !! . Slowly I start to remember everything that happened with all the details  , “OH MY GOD “ I say with an almost unheard voice , my breathing becomes loud and the memories keep revealing themselves like some kind of a scene in a scary movie where I was the main character , there is no way this happened , why does this feels so real . and when it all seemed logical to why I’m in this prison , then my voice betrayed me and I started to scream and hurt myself “ WHY WOULD I KILL MY SON ?? “