‘Twas the Night Blitz Saved Christmas

Blitz watched the digital clock placed above a sign that read International Date Line as it changed from 11:59:59 PM to 12:00:00 AM. An alarm, both musical and jarring, sounded throughout the facility. 

Another twenty-four straight hours of living hell, he thought to himself. Last minute updates to the naughty list, ensuring the correct type of batteries go in each stocking  and updating weather reports in real time. Maybe this year Christmas can go smoothly. He moped over to the wall phone then punched in a code to make an announcement.

Over the PA system, Blitz announced, in a voice similar to a record spinning just faster than it should, “It’s officially Christmas Eve in the Caroline Islands and Kiribati. Please make final preparations for last minute gifts to be transported to the staging area for loading onto Santa’s sleigh. Clock is ticking, people!” 

# 

Kris Kringle, a.k.a. Santa, wore his crushed red velvet pants with the white fur trim covering his ebony boots and an oversized white tee, complete with armpit stains. Black suspenders traveled the long round journey around his belly and over his shoulders. He breezed through the boisterous and productive workshop filled with the familiar, and mildly annoying, construction sounds of hammering, sanding, drilling and carving. 

“Ho-freakin'-ho” He jibed at the industrious elf. The elf tried to make herself invisible as Santa approached her workstation. “That’ll never be ready to ship tonight. Get a move on unless you want to tell Sandeep he can’t have his wooden train set this year.”

“Oh, okay, Santa,” Twinkle said. “It’s headed for the paint shop in five minutes.”

As he continued through the electronics workshop, the smell of solder wafted up from the work tables into the giant hoods that extracted the foul smoke. He sipped his special peppermint hot chocolate and gave the elves the side eye for their judgy glances. 

He entered the toy improvement room commonly known as SQUAT Lab (Santa’s Quality Assurance and Testing Lab) to get some updates on a few of the malfunctioning or poorly designed toys. Over the years, the elves had released a few toys that weren’t quite ready for distribution. More specifically, it was Blitz, the Chief Executive Elf, that put the stamp of approval on all products shipping from Santa’s workshops. This dereliction of duty inevitably led to safety recalls that caused a bit of embarrassment for the Old Man. Some were harmless mistakes like the locomotive set whose train only moved backward and the air hockey table that sucked the air in.

Regrettably, Blitz let a few doozies slip by that really ruffled Santa’s feathers. The most memorable of these was the Speak to Me Barbie fiasco. Using the pull-string to hear Barbie speak was a huge leap forward for the toy industry until the Liberal Left Mom Brigade raised a fuss over Barbie lamenting that “Math is hard”. He single-handedly set back the women's equality movement by a decade. The entire population of the North Pole endured weeks of sensitivity training as a result. Many elves were still a bit sore about it and didn’t let Blitz forget it. But, the elves’ irritation was nothing compared to you-know-who’s.

Today, Santa needed an update on the SUAVE, the Sophisticated Unmanned Aerial Vehicle for Everyone. Sophisticated may have been an overstatement for an airplane-shaped fuselage supported by four rotors. When first released, this Uber-drone failed to recognize large obstacles in its flight path, causing it to crash into buildings, trees and billboards. Blitz promised Santa, because he doesn’t take no for an answer, that a simple software update would fix the issue in time for Christmas this year. Time was running out.

#

Blitz groaned as he made last minute preparations for the demonstration and waited for Santa to take his place in the swiveling recliner. The entire SUAVE project team gathered (and crossed their little elfin fingers) to hear Santa’s praises. The younger elves had a desire to please the Big Guy and a level of idealism that curled Blitz’s beard.

“The updated software has been installed and we are ready to go,” said Blitz. 

“Just impress me. I don’t want another Lawn Dart scandal,” Santa said menacingly. 

Blitz twisted his index finger in his ear. “Right. Ahh, let’s see here. I’ll just –.” Blitz pressed the button with the right-facing triangle enclosed in a circle, the international symbol for ‘play’. “Places everyone,” he yelled to the elves. Four elves were assigned specific locations in the room where they would hold up large cardboard cut-outs serving as obstructions to test SUAVE’s ability to avoid crashes.

The drone rose above the ground, hovering about ten feet above the elf’s head. It rotated by one hundred-eighty degrees and tilted forward as needed for the spinning blades to provide forward momentum. It propelled itself toward its own reclamation or, possibly, its doom. The drone approached the first barrier at high speed causing a noticeable look of panic to appear on Blitz’s face. When the drone expertly and smoothly cut around the right side of the obstruction and managed to return to its original flight path, Blitz let out an audible whew and glanced at Santa, whose blank look suggested he remained unimpressed. 

The drone executed its programming equally well at the next two obstructions, although its respectable performance did not prevent the elves in those positions from visibly flinching. The final test was behind Santa. All eyes followed the drone as it climbed and turned to come from behind the last remaining obstacle. Santa spun around to catch the final act. The flying gadget dipped below the cardboard obstruction between the arms of the elf holding it up. This unexpected maneuver spooked the elf. She instinctively ducked. The drone caught the edge of the board and entered a dizzying spiral that would be the envy of any NFL quarterback. Unable to re-calculate its path, it crashed into Santa’s forehead just as he finished rotating into position. The drone hit with such force that it toppled Santa and his recliner backwards.

Blitz swallowed hard.

#

Blitz bent over Santa’s face from the top of his head, fanning Santa’s face with an Etch-a-Sketch. Santa’s eyes burst open.

“Who the frost are you?” Santa asked.

“It’s me, Blitz. You probably aren’t used to seeing me upside down.” He scooped his arms under Santa’s armpits to sit him up. 

“Blitz?” Santa looked around at the squat, pointy-eared creatures that formed a circle around him. “I must be dreaming.”

“No, no, you’re not dreaming. You just woke up…from…from ah.” Blitz noticed the baseball-sized contusion on Santa's forehead. “From a nap.” Unfortunately, it sounded like a question and not a statement. 

“Gnomes?” Santa asked as he rubbed his eyes and squinted. “Wearing ugly sweaters and jingle bells?”

“Technically, we are not gnomes. Gnomes come from –. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with our sweaters.”

Santa twisted to one side and put his hands flat on the ground and brought his knees underneath his body. Now, in an all-fours position, he attempted to stand. After several unsuccessful attempts at standing, he started to crawl. “Where’s the eggnog?”

Blitz, grateful that Santa’s crawl allowed him to keep up, said, “You can’t drink now, sir. You are not getting behind those reindeer in a tipsy condition. Up, up, up! We have a very busy night ahead.” Something always went wrong on Christmas Eve, but Blitz never anticipated this level of shit-show.

Santa paused his crawling and returned to sitting upright on the floor. He blinked his eyes and looked around. 

Blitz waved his palm in front of Santa’s face. “Sir, do you know what today is?”

Santa looked into Blitz's eyes, then examined his miniature nose and pointy ears. “Gnomes. Such awkward little creatures.”

“He doesn’t look so good,” offered Twinkle.

“Reindeer rockets!” Blitz didn’t often use inappropriate language. He stepped aside and pulled Twinkle in close. “I think he has amnesia. He has no idea what’s happening.”

“This is awful. How is he going to deliver all the presents?” Twinkle said. “He’s already running late in the Eastern hemisphere.”

“No, this is the best news ever! All those years of putting out fires on Christmas Eve has all led up to this big moment. This could be my big chance to fix everything – to show Santa I’m not a total screw up.”

“But, you are a –,” Twinkle started. 

“Shhh. I have a plan,” Blitz said. He turned to the crowd of elves surrounding the white bearded man. “We have a full-blown, Christmas catastrophe on our hands!” Pointing in turn to different elves, he rattled off a set of commands. “Twinkle, we are officially at Blizz-Con 2. Spread the word. Peppermint, I need you to put out a bulletin to the news outlets. When NORAD doesn’t see the sleigh in the air, there’s gonna be trouble.” Peppermint straightened up and  neatened her red-striped smock at the mention of her name. “Come up with some excuse. Sunspots, stealth technology, space aliens. Whatever works.”

“Aliens?” Peppermint asked. 

“They believe in a fat, bearded, cookie-eating guy who flies a magic sleigh and can travel around the world in one day. Space aliens shouldn’t be a problem. Now, go! Jolly, Get over here. Is the Book up to date?”

“The latest download just came down from the cloud. Ready to go.”

“Good job! Has anyone fed the reindeer?” He walked through the crowd of panicking elves. “Don’t just stand there! Go.” Blitz looked straight up and raised his arms, shaking his fists to the sky. “And, for frost’s sake, someone get Mrs. Claus!”

#

Mrs. Claus, Blitz and Peppermint entered the house-sized Snow Globe that sat at magnetic north. They took up seats around a conference table. Blitz clapped twice and the Snow Globe filled with blowing snow and the sounds of high winds.

“I always thought this Snow Globe was just decorative,” Mrs. Claus admitted, “like the glass pyramid outside the Louvre.”

“The Snow Globe is much more tasteful and will keep our conversation private,” he explained to Mrs. Claus. “Here they come. Act calm.”

Snow whipped around like a tornado at several of the chairs around the table. As it coalesced, one could make out the distinct pattern of some entity. 

“Thank you all for coming,” Blitz began. “We have a unique and untenable situation here. As the preeminent myths and legends of the world, we all have a responsibility to uphold and protect the folklore. We need your help to save Christmas.”

 “Did Donner get drunk and wander off again?” Tooth Fairy sat sideways, examining her nails, with her legs hanging over the armrests. Her wings fluttered absent-mindedly as she chewed gum.

“No, Tooth Fairy. It’s not that –. Wait. Where’s Sasquatch?”

“He’s on assignment in Appalachia. Couldn’t get away.”

“Thank you, Boogeyman. As I was saying…Mr. Claus is, well –”

“Mr. Claus has amnesia,” Mrs. Claus blurted out. “We might have to cancel Christmas.”

“Wow, that’s some heavy shit,” said the Abominable Snowman. “But, this really sounds like a you-problem.”

“Yeah, we have our own problems.” The Easter Bunny stood in the chair on his hind legs to see over the table.

“Abominable, get your paws off the table, please .” Blitz shook his head as Abominable rolled his large, blue eyes. “We’re all in this together. E.B., remember when you had that clover virus and you couldn’t produce enough painted eggs? Who helped you out?”

The Easter Bunny answered reluctantly and feebly , “The elves.”

“I’m sorry?” prompted Blitz.

“The elves. The elves helped me out,” he responded definitively.

“I could try scaring the bejesus out of him,” offered The Boogeyman.

“No, thanks, Boogeyman. He’s had enough trauma for one day.”

Under his breath yet audibly, Boogeyman said, “Too bad. It’s on my bucket list.”

For a minute, no one offered any ideas. Blitz slumped in his chair. His pom-pommed hat fell in front of his face. “Well, I guess that’s it then.” He jumped down from the chair and started walking toward the exit. “I guess I’ll be spending the rest of my elf days cleaning up after reindeer or relegated to the Wetsy Betsy testing area.”

The Easter Bunny’s ears drooped as he watched Blitz meander to the exit. Suddenly, he banged his bunny fist on the table. “Listen up, everybody. Blitz is right.” He hopped onto the table and stood at its center. Any one of us could be gone tomorrow if the world stops believing in us. We have to help Santa. If those presents don’t get delivered, no child will believe in Santa tomorrow and we won’t be far behind. No kid is going to check under his bed for the Boogeyman or place a tooth under the pillow for a crappy dollar.”

“Excuse me, the first tooth gets a fiver. Just sayin”,” the Tooth Fairy jibed. 

“And, trust me,” continued the Easter Bunny, “I know my little scheme is hanging on by a thread.”

Blitz had stopped his progress toward the door..

“Whadda ya say, guys?” the Easter Bunny rallied. “Are we doing this?”

A loud yeah filled the Snow Globe, except from Abominable.

“Listen, guys. I’d love to help, really. But, I do my best work in the mountains and forests. I have no business going house to house. It’s not my shtick. People would never buy it. I’m out.” A swirl of snow became a wisp and he was gone.

“Let him go,” said the Tooth Fairy. “Those low oxygen levels mess with his head. What’s the plan?”

For the first time in many years, Blitz felt an inkling of hope.

#

Out on the landing strip, the sleigh was fully loaded. Eight reindeer pawed at the snowy ground and stretched out in preparation for the long journey. 

“Okay, team! Does everyone know their route? We have to be efficient to make up for lost time.” Blitz handed out maps to E.B., Boogeyman and Tooth Fairy. 

E.B. looked worried as he studied the map. “There are a lot of sections not covered here.” E.B.’s tiny furry paw circled a section of the map. “What is this little helicopter symbol on my routes?”

“You all have them on your maps. I had the idea that we could make up for some lost time with these little babies!” Blitz pointed above the treetops as thousands of little flying machines congregated above their heads. The hum and buzz of the rotors sounded like an army of bees. “My software development team pre-programmed their routes to deliver the presents in the hard-to-get-to places.” Blitz let out a whistle. One SUAVE flew down to Blitz’s eye level. “Just attach the present, like so.” He secured a present on the hook hanging from the SUAVE. “And off they go.” The powerful rotorcraft ascended above the trees.

“We just might be able to do this,” Boogeyman said incredulously.

The team climbed aboard the sled as Blitz gave the reindeer a pep talk (and a promise they would get extra snacks for the next month). As the reindeer and sleigh accelerated down the runway, the elves rushed along behind it, cheering and waving. 

Within hours, the crew closed the gap and were on schedule to complete a Christmas miracle. NORAD was tracking the sleigh and providing constant updates to the news outlets. Elves on the Shelves reported in, saying kids worldwide were oblivious to the nearly late arrival of their gifts. And, there wasn’t a single incident of missing batteries reported this year.

#

Back at the North Pole, the Easter Bunny, Boogeyman and Tooth Fairy gathered around a warm fire and shared their around-the-world stories with Mrs. Claus, Blitz and the rest of the elves. They laughed heartily and congratulated each other on a successful mission to save Christmas.

Downing his last bit of eggnog, Blitz said, “Well, I gotta hand it to you guys. You really saved my butt. You helped me remember why I got into this business in the first place. It was an amazing feat. But, there was one misfortune.” Everyone fell silent to hear what could have gone wrong. “We lost one SUAVE in the mission. It never returned. It made the ultimate sacrifice in the name of Christmas.”

A melancholy silence fell over the room. 

Santa trudged into the great hall that had fallen silent with the sad announcement. “What’s going on here? Why is everyone so glum?”

“You wouldn’t understand, sir.” Blitz leaned his head on his hand and sighed.

A low hiss and intermittent sputtering slowly grew to audible levels. A hum, surging and falling, growing louder. It was coming from the fireplace. All eyes turned toward the flames. In a flash, a flying object plummeted down through the flue, hovered over the fire for an instant and shot out into the sitting room. It bounced off the far wall, nicking the frame of Mrs. Claus’s portrait and ricocheted into Santa’s head.

The crowd emitted a collective gasp then fell silent.

Santa rubbed his head. “That smarts.”

“Sir, are you alright?” Blitz asked.

Santa shook his head, removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He had no sooner returned the spectacles to his face when he exclaimed, “Blitz! Doggone It! I thought I told you to get these flying menaces fixed. They are going out on Christmas this year or you’ll be sorting Legos!” 

“Santa? Is that you?” Blitz asked. “Can you give us a real ho-ho-ho?”

“I’ll ho-ho-ho your pointy-eared head back to reindeer paddock duty. How’s that?”

Santa’s amnesia did nothing to change him from a curmudgeon to jolly holiday icon but it brought a change in Blitz. Today’s debacle instilled in Blitz a fresh confidence and rekindled his joy of being a Christmas elf, despite his boss’s sour attitude and quick temper. His voice jumped multiple decibels with each word when he said, “Everybody, we have our Santa back!”