But You're A Man

Based on a true story.

Charlie swiped a swerved clearing from the steamed mirror as the shower ran hot. He didn’t look at himself at first. He stared down at his hands instead as they gripped the sink tight, keeping himself from trembling. He was afraid to look, afraid to see if it was as bad as it felt. Just man up already. He taunted himself and finally forced a glance. His right eye was already swelling and that sting on his lip gave true his expectations of a split. His beard could keep that discrete as it healed. But his eye, he knew it would be black and blue by morning. There was a subtle, petite knock at the door.

“Charlie…” his wife’s muffled voice had returned back to that soft, angelic lure he always fell for. “Charlie, open the door.” The knob jiggled as she tested to see if he’d locked it. “Please open the door …”

“I’ll be out in a second.” He denied her access and stared at his reflection until the steam clouded it over again. He felt like he should stay locked away in the bathroom for the rest of the night. Sleep in the tub, he didn’t care. His heart was sore from the arguing, from the yelling, from everything. She didn’t get her way and started throwing everything in his face. He felt like a fool for fighting back. It took everything in him to try and keep the bickering down, so not to wake their little boy. This fight was worse than most. During her rage she brought her fist down on his face instead of his chest like usual. It was an accident; he gave her the benefit of the doubt. But what happened still flooded him with disbelief, none the less. So, he turned from her after she’d hit him and retreated into the bathroom to take space. Before that it was only a slap across the face when they disagreed. He took it without question every time. She didn’t do much damage. But it’s getting worse.

 “Charlie, come out!” She demanded again. He puffed a sigh from his chest, turned the shower off and reluctantly unlocked the door. He didn’t need her waking their son, Cal, so he gave in. When he opened it, the steam rolled out around her as she stood there clasping her hands together nervously. Her eyes were watered and sad. Naturally, Charlie wanted to comfort that sadness. It was his weakness, his job to make sure she never felt an ounce of sorrow. At least he was supposed to try his hardest. “I’m… I’m so sorry.” She choked up. “I didn’t mean to hit you”

“Again, Janice…” He added. She took offense, he could tell by the way she pouted her nostrils.

“I just… you made me so angry. I lost it. You wouldn’t listen to me, damn it. You made me do it.” Janice stopped ranting when she realized she was losing his empathy. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry… I’m sorry! Please forgive me. I’m sorry…” She trailed off into sobs and weakened herself down to her knees as Charlie stood over her, needing comfort from someone too.

“Come here.” All he could project was a whisper, but she immediately stood and wrapped her arms around him, burring her face into his chest. He allowed himself to embrace back tight, comforting her for hitting him.

“W-we will tell people that you fell, or … or that you had an accident in the garage.” She plotted. Charlie closed his eyes tight, frowning deep. Be a man. He told himself. Everyone else would probably tell him the same thing. She didn’t mean it. You made her angry. You shouldn’t have made her angry. So, he let it go, again.  

                                                        ***

Two weeks had passed since that night and the bruise about his eye was finally clearing. Charlie had to postpone the birthday celebration he wanted to throw for his mother. She was turning sixty and he didn’t want there to be any questions stealing the focus away from her. Friday was right around the corner and the bruise should’ve been cleared by Saturday. He planned the party on the way home from work, a little excitement bringing up his spirits again. His mom always loved his wife’s baking. He’d grill up some ribs, toss up a salad and prep those deviled eggs she always loved. As he pulled into the driveway he smiled softly when he caught Janice and Cal, their son on the front porch watering the hanging plants. They met him at the car and, Janice threw her arms around, planting a kiss onto his lips.

"Daddy!” Cal demanded attention, tugging at Charlie’s sleeve.

“Hey buddy.” Charlie knelt down and pulled the boy in for a hug. “How was school today?”

 “We made pamoramas…” He struggled.

“Pamoramas?” Charlie mimicked him jokingly.

“Pa-nor-a-mas…’ Janice corrected, running her fingers through the boy’s hair.

“Mine was of the Sahara Desert. I brought it home, come see! It’s in my room.”

“Sure, thing buddy! I’ll be up in a minute.” When Cal had gone, Charlie gave Janice a light smile.

“How was your day?” She asked before turning, leading him towards the porch.

“Stressful.” He let out. “We’re so behind on this damn job. But it’s almost the weekend, looking forward to that.” He was about to ask her what she thought about finally hosting his mom’s birthday, but she cut in.

“Ah! About this weekend.” She turned and took his hands, smiling big at him. “My friend from work just got promoted. I want to throw a little congratulatory party for her this Saturday. What do you think? We won’t need to spend too much. Just some finger foods, maybe some wine. Maybe about fifteen people.” Charlie’s smile instantly faded. Hers followed and she let go of his hands. “Is something wrong?”

“I…” He was put in a tough spot. “I was hoping we would host my mom’s birthday this Saturday.”

“You didn’t tell me you had plans…” Her tone fluttered with annoyance as she slipped her hands about her waist.

“We postponed my mom’s birthday party because of… because of what happened, Janice. She’s been looking forward to this. She wants to see Cal.”

“Well, that’s just great.” Janice growled. “I already told my co worker that we’d plan it out.”

“We should’ve talked before you told—”

“Now I’m going to look like a wishy-washy person, Charlie! Thanks a lot!”

“We can plan your party for next weekend. Tell her you forgot that we had my mom’s birthday this weekend.”

“BUT WE DIDN’T! You’re taking priority over me! This isn’t fair Charlie!”

“See it how you want to see it, Janice. I’m not making my mom wait another week to celebrate.” He brushed past her and started up the porch steps when she grabbed his wrist.

“We’re not done talking.”

“Janice, I’m tired. I’ve been climbing up and down ladders all day, getting chewed out by my GC. Plus, Cal is waiting to show me his project. Can we just have some peace tonight? Please?”

“You’re not even validating how this is unfair to me.” Her grip was tightening around his wrist, so Charlie yanked it from her grasp. It caused her to stumble a little, but he needed her to let go. He could feel the anger just buzzing off her. He didn’t want to say anything to make it worse, so he left her and went inside. He was so tired. All of his excitement about the weekend was smashed and Charlie just wanted to go to bed. After he filled up a glass of water, he was about to go upstairs and see Cal, but Janice cornered him against the sink, still wanting to fight. “You nearly made me fall back there.” Another thing to fuel the fire…

“I’m sorry.” His reply was weak.

“You don’t sound very sorry.”

“I am. You were hurting me. I didn’t mean to make you stumble, though.”

“Oh my god.” She let out a taunting laugh. “You’re such a coward. I was hardly even squeezing.”

“Janice, stop. Please.”

“No!” She pointed at him, jabbing her finger into his chest. “We’re going to talk about this.”

“You know what?” He set the glass down with a shrill clank! “Why don’t we just do nothing? Huh? NOTHING! No one is coming over. Since we can’t come to an agreement. You’re not having a party. I’m not having a party. That’s the end of it. Problem solved!” He gave in. Damn it. He gave in and fought back….

SLAP! She let him have one right across the face. He winced, heart heavy and angry and sinking. He tried to walk past her, but she pushed him back.

“Don’t punish me, because you made me hit you, Charlie.” She sneered. “You’re an idiot. You’re always minimizing my needs! You’re such a coward!”

“Get out of my way, Janice.” He warned her.

“Or what? What are you going to do?” Charlie tried to walk around her again, but she did the same thing and pushed him back against the sink. “You’re not leaving until you agree with me Charlie. This isn’t fair.” He sighed and pushed passed her, but she pulled at his shirt, trying to stop him. She tripped but this time, crashed over one of the dining chairs. “Oh my god!” She yelled, startled on the ground, eyes wide in terror. Charlie quickly turned to help her up, but she was already struggling to her feet and then she came at him, swatting his face and beating down on his chest with her fists. Charlie nearly toppled back but caught himself against the fridge. Each time her fist came down against his chest, the pain got worse and worse.

“Ja-” He tried to shield himself. “Janice stop!” He had to push her off him and she fell backwards onto the kitchen floor. He bent over, breathing hard and holding his chest where she’d hit him.

“Daddy?” Cal stood in the kitchen entry, eyes wide in terror as he dropped his desert themed panorama.

“Cal!” Janice screamed on the floor. “Cal get away from him.” She struggled up to her knees and crawled over to their terrified son. The boy started sobbing and Janice clung to him. 

“Janice…” Charlie took a step towards them, but she put on a good act and shrieked.

“STAY BACK!” She warned as she clung to their son and huddled against the wall. “I can’t believe you just pushed me like that!” Charlie looked to Cal as he sobbed and wanted nothing more than to grab him from her and tell him the truth. But he didn’t want his son to see anymore of this.

“I didn’t, mean for you to fall.” He admitted, but he didn’t mention her hitting him. He didn’t want Cal to hear that. “I’m sorry.” Slowly, he walked over to them. “I’m so sorry.” Charlie’s heart was racing with terror. And he dropped to his knees in front of them, holding back his urge to … cry. “I’m so sorry.” He said again on a trembling breath. The adrenaline rushing through him numbed the pain from her hits and he forgot all about them as he tried to fight for his family to no see him as a monster. “I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean for you to fall.” He said again as if she didn’t hear him. Janice finally let him embrace the both of them. “I’m sorry…”

 ***

Charlie set up a birthday lunch with his mom that Friday. He gave the Saturday slot to Janice and promised to help her prep for her coworker’s party. He met his mom at a favorite café, and she wasn’t even concerned about the lack of festivities. Charlie was so thankful for that. He still felt guilty that he was spending her 60^th birthday at a café on an hour lunch break.

“Is something bothering you?” She asked. Charlie perked up a little and shook his head. “Charlie, you’re my son.” She gave him. “I can sense when something is wrong.” He didn’t want this to be about him, and it took him a good minute before he looked her in the eyes. When they met hers’ everything in him wanted to break down and sob. He felt like a boy, about to cry to his mom for comfort. But he held it in. He swallowed it down, that lump of sorrow and forced a smile.

“Nothing is wrong.” He assured her. “I just feel bad that—”

“Charlie. I’m sixty years old. I’ve had my fair share of birthday parties. I’m just happy to see you. What would make me happier is seeing you smile, truly.” He gave her the best smile he could.. “If something is wrong, Charlie don’t let it take control of you. You need to face it and fight it. Seek counseling or a talk group if you need to.”

“I will mom.” He’d promised her. He’d seen a brochure on a billboard outside the coffee shop he stopped at before work that supported victims of domestic violence. He thought about maybe taking up that to get some answers on how to handle his situation.

“So, when do I get to see my grandson?” She taunted. “Bring him by to babysit once in a while. I’m home alone all day.”

“I’ll make sure to bring him over more often.” He promised. “Cal misses you too.” 

That day he left work early to attend the support group from the brochure he saw. It was embarrassing to himself, but maybe it would help him. When he arrived, he realized he was the only man in the group, and he didn’t get a very welcoming vibe. His hands fidgeted on his lap as he sat in the cold fold out chair, waiting for the host to call on him for introduction.

“Why are you here?” A woman targeted him, and Charlie was taken a back at first.

“I… I saw the brochure—”

“But you’re a man.” She added on the obvious. “Why are you here? To mock us? We don’t feel safe with you here!” She got a little heated and Charlie realized he didn’t belong there.

“I’m sorry.” Charlie said as he got up to leave. “This was a mistake. I didn’t mean to offend you all.”

“All victims of domestic violence are welcome here.” The group leader reminded the women in the room. “Please, sit.” She urged. But Charlie’s motive was shot down and he declined. He realized how silly he was being. A man seeking refuge from an abusive wife. He fled the room, scolding himself.

“Hey.” The group leader followed him out into the hallway, Charlie stopped and turned, weary hearted and at the brink of sobbing. “How bad is it?” She wanted to know. It took Charlie a moment. He felt like he was losing the ability breathe in after each inhale until finally, he broke down crying. She wandered towards him and set her hand on his shoulder. “You need to report it.” She urged him. “I know you think that sounds silly. And it’s because society finds it absurd for a man to be beat on by his wife. But you need to report it. Give yourself some peace…”

“I love her.” he trembled.

“You need to love yourself, more.” She gave him. “It’s only going to get worse. And in your situation, if you let this go too far, she’ll entrap you. She’ll turn the blame on you. Be a voice for more men who are going through this. Don’t silence yourself, like so many do. It may not bring the outcome that you want. But it’ll be the bravest thing you do, for yourself. You have the right to protect yourself, sir.” Charlie slid down the wall, crumpling to his knees as all the emotions he kept in came spilling out. She knelt down next to him, gently. “Do you have any evidence to help you? Photos? Recordings?” Charlie shook his head. But when he pulled down the cuff of his crew cut tee, she nodded at him when she saw the bruises. “Report her. While you can.” She stood to return back to the group, but before she did, she gave him a small smile. “And come back soon. Please. Those women in there are just afraid. But you need to tell your story. More men like you need to speak up so there isn’t this stigma against you. They’ll see soon that abuse is not gender specified the more you share your story. You deserve to be heard just as much as those women do. Don’t sell yourself short.”

Charlie sat there on the ground for a while longer, pondering. He felt so heavy there on the ground, replaying her words back. It killed him to think about what would happen. To him, to Cal, without Janice there if she got arrested. He remembered the terror in Cal’s eyes the night before. He remembered how Janice made him out to be the monster. He finally found the strength to get up and head to his car. He fell into it, weakly and lingered as he pondered. Report it. He pulled out his phone and started sobbing as he stared down at her face as it smiled back at him from his screensaver. He lied his head back and let it out until he finally found the courage to open his phone and dial, 9-1-1 …