Choice

The station is cold, damp. Moss is growing from cracks in the ceiling. It’s strange that it’s so empty but I can’t be bothered with that. I run my hands up and down my arms as I pace along the tracks. It feels like I have been here forever, just waiting for a train that never comes. I can’t even recall my destination, or how I got here. But I know I have to stay. I decide to finally take a seat and plop onto the bench with a thud. I allow my hands to hold my face, my hair falling in front of my eyes to create a shield. Words kept echoing through my head. Life is unfair. This is the world we live in. You can’t keep running away from your problems. Just give it another try. 

  I could see her painted pursed lips now. Mother never truly understood what I was going through. For her the world was black and white. I lived with various shades of grey that constantly tried to swallow me at any given moment. I just wanted to make her proud, but I also just wanted to be happy. Was that a crime? I did what she asked; I saw the doctor, I took the pills. Until one day I just didn’t want to anymore. I shut her out after that. Every toilet flush washed away another moment of perceived sanity. Tears started to prick at the corners of my eyes and I hastily wiped them away. I couldn’t let the weakness show.

Footsteps echoing through the tunnel announced that I was no longer alone to let my thoughts consume me. I glanced up from my hunched position, surprised to find an older man sitting beside me. His eyes were covered with small rounded sunglasses, his hat hid his head, and his trench coat hid the rest of him. Gloved hands slowly spun a gilded cane. Oh great, was I gonna be murdered now too? Just what I needed. I tried to discreetly scoot further away and that evoked a deep chuckle from him.

“Don’t worry girl, I ain’t here to hurt you. I’m just waitin’, same as you.”

My cheeks flushed in embarrassment at my inner thoughts. Not everyone in this world was bad. What could this old man possibly do to harm me anyways?

“Do you know what time it arrives?” I inquired, once again glancing down the large black mouth that should have spat out the speeding hunk of metal and steam by now. 

“Soon, I should say.”

Silence enveloped us as he continued to spin the cane, round and round. I found myself transfixed. It was mostly smooth and black, but glittering stones of ruby and emerald along the handle could not be missed. It seemed so out of place somehwere as dank as this. But then again I also felt out of place. My gaze wandered along the walls, finding that they suddenly seemed less menacing. More normal. 

“Do you know why you are here?” the stranger suddenly asked. 

My brows furrowed in confusion. “Waiting...for the train.”

“And to what destination? His head turned just the slightest degree but he did not face me straight on. “This ain’t the kind of train people want to get on everyday.”

“Well you are getting on it too,” I snarked. “Where are you headed?”

“Nowhere I haven’t been before. Tell me, why is there blood on your coat?”

My eyes darted down in a panic, finding a large single bloodstain near the cuff of my right sleeve. I didn’t remember that being there before. Had I somehow fallen and injured myself? I placed my left hand over the spot but it was dry. 

“It must be old. I’m not sure.”

“But you aren’t currently hurt are you?”

“Not that I know of.”

“How you feeling then? You seem out of sorts.” The cane continued to spin.

“Overwhelmed,” I started, silently questioning this banter with this stranger in this place.

One eyebrow raised so far I could see if over the rim of his glasses. It said “Go on”.

“Life hasn’t exactly been the best.”

I found myself spilling details of my life I had never thought to share with someone I didn’t know, anyone for that matter. He had never even introduced himself. But for some reason I felt at ease and I could feel a knot in my chest starting to loosen. I spoke of growing up with one stepfather after another, shadows on the floor as I hid under my bed, my mother shaking her head in disbelief. I drifted back to nights spent in the backyard, seeking refuge in Mother’s greenhouse. She tended to it more than me. I thought eighteen would be my saving grace but where was I to go? I had no hope of getting into college, my part time job would never pay the bills in my own apartment. I recalled laying in the tub in the upstairs bathroom, sobbing so uncontrollably I had to bite into my own skin to try to stop. 

He just nodded along with my words, never interrupting or saying anything. The cane kept spinning. And when finally, I reached my last breath on the last word of the story of my life, he held the cane still. A whistle sounded in the distance and light started to appear from the darkness. The air seemed warmer now, it didn’t feel as damp. 

“You have been through alot my dear,” he stated. “But it’s alright now. You will be on your way to a better place soon enough.” 

The light is brighter now. The train is close. I looked once more to the man, the weight on my shoulders felt lifted but I could not figure out why he cared about a lost soul like me anyways.

“Why?” I asked simply.

“Because everyone deserves to have peace in their heart.”

I stood with him as the single car halted in front of us and the doors slid open.

The interior was clean and inviting. And just like the station, the car was completely empty. I felt anxiety start to build again, all the calmness I had just had was fading away. This wasn’t right. I started to take a step back but the man caught my attention by clearing his throat. 

“Don’t worry. I will be with you every step of the way. You aren’t alone. But the choice is yours.”

The door to the conductor’s booth closed behind him as I took my seat. I rocked with the movement and watched as darkness flew past the windows. I leaned back and rested my head against the backrest. Thoughts of all the agony began to drift from my mind as I was lulled into a gentle, quiet sleep. Everything really was going to be okay.