Up In the Air

UP IN THE AIR

“I hate this.” I looked at my mother, trying not to cry. 

“What do you hate, Sophia?” she asked.

“I hate that we have to move, again. I hate that I’m going to have to leave all my friends, again. I hate that I have to start at a new school, again. I hate that I’m going to be the new girl, again. I hate that I’m going to a new country, again. I hate that I don’t speak the language, again. And, I hate that you’re okay with all that, because your job is sooooo important, and who gives a shit about the kids, as long as you get another star, or whatever.”

I turned and stomped away from the bad news, up the stairs, into my bedroom, slamming the door.  

I threw myself down on the bed, and looked up at the ceiling. For the amount of time I spent looking at the ceiling, pissed off, I should put something up there to look at. Maybe one of the old-timey “hang in there, baby” posters, with the kitten hanging on to the end of a rope. ‘Cuz that was exactly where I was — at the end of my rope.

I clenched my jaw, willing myself not to cry, as I felt the tears well up, and slowly seep down the side of my face, into my hair. God, I hated this.  

Mom didn’t follow me into my room. She never did that. She just told me what was going to happen, and let me deal with it myself. She never talked to me about my “feelings.” No, she told me what was what, and that was that. Just Mom’s way.  My mom was a hard-ass. A cold, unloving, self-centred, workaholic, hard-ass. Who hated her kids. Why else would she drag us screaming and kicking us all over the world?

That’s what I got for being the daughter of a Colonel in the Air Force. When the Air Force said you were moving, you were moving. We’d lived in six states, including Alaska and Hawai’i, Italy, Japan, and Greece by the time we’d landed in Virginia. Now we were moving to frickin’ Turkey. Turkey!

“I! Hate! This!” I said out loud, punching both fists down on my mattress with each word.

Apparently, in the best interest of Jack and I, we weren’t moving until the end of the school year. Yay! I had another three weeks to be miserable before we left. Lots of time for goodbyes and promises to keep in touch — promises never kept.

I liked Virginia. I liked my school here. I had made some pretty good friends. Especially my boyfriend, Ben. How was I going to tell him? 

I did not want to move.

I picked up my phone and started three different texts — none of them were right. I needed to talk to him in person.  

It wasn’t that he wouldn’t understand. No, he was an Air Force brat himself, travelling all over the world when his dad was redeployed. But at least he had both his mom and his dad.  

I only had my mom. My dad was dead — died in Afghanistan. That was four years ago. I still really missed him. Jack and Mom, too. We all still missed him.  

Mom and Dad had met at the Air Force Academy, and had gotten married once they graduated. And because the Air Force wants to keep all their highly trained people, they were always deployed together. They were never sent on into a conflict at the same time so there was always someone at home with us. Or, at least there had been. Now, whenever Mom needed to be away for an extended period of time Dad’s parents, Nana and Papa, or Mom’s mom, Grannie, would come to stay with us.

But would they come to Turkey? Probably not. What with Syria on one side, Iran and Iraq along the other side (yes, I had Googled a map of Turkey). Not nearly as appealing as Hawai’i — we had people falling all over themselves to visit us there.

I picked up my phone to text Grannie. She texted and was petty tech savvy, for a grandmother.

Sophia: Hey Gran. We’re deploying. To Turkey. Sucks.

Grannie: I know. Your mom told me.

Sophia: Can I live with you?

Pause.

Grannie: We need to talk to your mom. What about Jack?

Damn it! I thought. She played the brother card. 

 Jack was only twelve. I couldn’t leave him alone in Turkey. He depended on me. I was his big sister. When Mom was doing her Air Force thing, and had to be away for a day or two, I looked after him. I couldn’t leave him alone. 

Damn it! Twice!

Sophia: I know. I thought I’d ask. I don’t want to go.

Grannie: Ben?

Sophia: Yeah.

Grannie: I’ll come over tomorrow, and we can talk about it.

Sophia: K.

I dropped my phone beside me on the bed, still looking at the ceiling.  

What am I going to do?

I realized that I could sit and wallow, or I could get off my ass, and go find Ben and tell him, before he found out from someone else.

I stood up, and changed my clothes. I decided to run over to his house — it was only a couple of miles away, and I could use the exercise.

I walked down the stairs, and headed for the door. Mom looked at me.  

“We’ll talk later,” she said as I left the house.

I put my earbuds in, turned on my music, and started running.  

As I ran, I thought about what I was going to say to Ben. It was going to be hard. I really, really liked Ben. No, scratch that, I loved Ben. And he loved me. 

Against my better judgement I had let myself fall for Ben. I was the daughter of a member of the military, and I knew not to make strong attachments. I knew that I would be moving away, eventually.  I knew that once I moved, I would never see him again. That was just the way it was. I’d learned my lesson. 

When I was six, I had a best friend, Alyssa. We were inseparable — we dressed alike, we lived at each other’s homes, we were as close as any six-year-olds could be. Then I had to move. I was devastated. I had pined for Alyssa. One minute we had been stationed in Shreveport, Louisiana, then, poof, we were in Okinawa, Japan. I remember feeling a physical ache because I missed Alyssa so much. We tried to kept in touch for a while, using Skype, but with time zones, new friends, being six years old ... I had promised myself that I would never let anyone get that close to me again because it hurt too much. And I hadn’t. Until Ben.  

We’d had two classes together in grade ten — science and math. I have to admit that I didn’t even notice him at first, but we were paired together for lab experiments in science. He was funny, and made me laugh. The fact that his dad was Air Force meant that we had something in common. We ended up hanging out together with a group from school Ben was amazing at science, we were a good pair, scoring consistently high grades on our projects. But, math was a bit more difficult for him, and I offered to help him with it. We would work at either his house or mine, and one thing lead to another, and suddenly we were a couple by the end of the semester. And we’d been together since. Now, sixteen months later, I was leaving. And there wasn’t a single thing either one of us could do about it. 

As I pounded down the sidewalk, I thought about how I was going to tell him. I was being yanked away from my life, again, but this time it was so much harder — Alyssa harder — because of Ben. How could I tell him?

When I got to Ben’s place, about twenty minutes later, he was just getting home from his part-time job at the base commissary. A big smile spread across his face when he saw me.

“Soph,” he said, using my nickname. “I was just going to text you to see if we could get together today.” 

He came in to give me a hug.

“Eww, don’t,” I said, pulling away. “I’m gross and sweaty.”

“I don’t care,” he said and pulled me into a bear hug.

I hugged him back. Now we were both gross and sweaty.

Ben’s house was a mirror image of my own — semi-detached, three bedrooms, builder basic. The Air Force provided housing, but it was not fancy-shmancy by any stretch of the imagination. It was just a place to live for a while.

But it did have front steps, and that’s where we sat. The cool concrete felt good on my sweaty legs.

How am I going to tell him?  I asked myself, looking at Ben. This is killing me.

“So,” Ben said. “Did you read my mind, and decide to come over?”

“No,” I said, taking a deep breath, tears welling in my eyes. “Mom’s being redeployed. Turkey. In three weeks, after school ends.”

I blinked and the tears started streaming down my face.  

God, I’m crying for the second time today. What a wuss!

I sniffed and rubbed the tears off of face.

Ben didn’t say anything. He just put his arms around me, and hugged me against him. Which, of course, made me cry harder. I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.

“I hhhate this!” I said, my words quavering and stuttering from crying. I sniffed, and breathed through my mouth, trying to catch my breath and settle myself. Ben had never seen me cry before. And being the best boyfriend in the world, had just held me, and let me cry, not saying a word.

After what seemed like forever, I wiped my tears again, and looked at Ben.

“We leave in three weeks, after school ends,” I said. “I asked Grannie if I could live with her, but she reminded me that I had to think about Jack.” I paused. “Even if she said yes to me, she couldn’t be expected to look after both of us. And I’m pretty sure Mom would say no to letting Jack stay stateside.”

I sighed, leaned forward, put my elbows on my knees and rested my chin on my hands, gazing forward at nothing. Ben put his hand on my back, slowly rubbing up and down.

“Do you know how long the posting is going to be?”

“Not a clue. Probably not less than a year. We’ve been here for over two years, so who knows?”

Ben said nothing.

“She’s getting a promotion, too. Probably another star, or an eagle, or something.”

Ben knew what I was talking about. Although his dad wasn’t as high in rank as Mom, he was on an upward trajectory, like her. It was all about the stars.

“Why Turkey?” asked Ben.

“I don’t know. I think she’s in charge of training Turkish pilots, some NATO thing.” I sat up straight, and looked up at a plane whizzing across the sky. I looked back at Ben, then back at the plane shrinking to a small smug in the sky.  

“Do you realize we’ve both spent our entire lives listening to planes take off and land? It’s like the sound track of our life.”

I had started taking flying lessons on the base. One of the guys who worked for my mom had his own plane and was teaching me. I had to admit I could now understand the joy of flying. There was nothing like the feeling of being up there, just me and the sky, soaring — well, me and my instructor. But not for long. I was going to solo soon. But my lessons would have to end. I was pretty sure that the airspace over Turkey was restricted. And who would teach me?

“I don’t know when I’ll be back,” I said. “I don’t have clue when I can even come home.” I shook my head. “Turkey’s hella far.”

Ben pulled out his phone, thumbs flying. “Five thousand, six hundred, ninety miles,” he said, reading the screen.

That didn’t make me feel any better.  

He put his arm around me again.

“I think there’s been talk about Dad being redeployed as well. We’ve been here three years, and he said that he thinks it’s gonna happen soon. It’s time,” he said.

“Do you know where?”

“Not yet. It’s only a rumour, right now.”

“Jeez,” I said. “We’ll never be able to see each other again.” I hung my head, looking at my shoes, the loss washing over me.

“There’s college,” said Ben.

We’d talked about what universities to apply to when we graduated next year. I wanted to work in tech — I loved programming and creating something out of ones and zeros. I’d already developed a couple of simple apps, and could see myself as the next Steve Jobs. Ben was going to be a veterinarian, hopefully working with large animals. Together we’d decided on the University of California, Davis. Not only did it have the best veterinary medicine program in the US, but it also had a kick-ass computer program. We both had very strong grades, and there were a boatload of scholarships available through the Air Force, state, and federal agencies, so we were going to apply together next year.

I shook my head. “I’m going to be spending my last year in high school overseas, attending the ‘American School’ on base. I’m not sure how rigorous it is, and I don’t know how colleges view Air Force base schools.”

That really worried me. My last year of high school was the most important when it came to applying to universities — that and the SATs. I’d already done a bunch of prep courses, and I’d taken a practice test. I’d gotten 1530, but I needed at least a 1550 to be considered by UC Davis. I needed strong marks from a strong school, like Langley High School. Was the “American School” considered a strong school? I had no idea.

“We could check with UC Davis, and see what they say.”

“That’s an option,” I said, “And I can see if I need to take additional courses.” I looked at Ben. “You’re lucky. You’ll be going to Langley again next year.”

“Maybe,” said Ben. “It depends on the rumours.”

“Oh God!” I said. “I forgot about the rumours. I’m sorry. Pity party over.”

In all my misery, I had forgotten about Ben’s uncertain future. If the rumour mill was correct, he could be sent anywhere, just like me.

“No problem,” he said, and hugged me again. I laid my head on his shoulder, and we sat in silence, watching the day turn into evening.

Ben’s mom invited me to stay for dinner, but I thanked her and said I had to get home. As I walked slowly back to our house, I realized how impermanent life was in the Air Force. We never knew how long a new posting was going to last, and we never knew where we would be going next. I felt like a Department of Defence nomad.  

When I was younger I’d always thought of moving as an adventure, but as I got older the excitement wore off. How many times did I have to pack all my belongings, being restricted to two suitcases and two boxes? How many times did I have to ask Grannie to store my stuff because I didn’t have room to take it with me? How many times did I have to say goodbye to friends, knowing I would never see them again?

When I got home, Mom was waiting for me, sitting in the darkening living room, watching the front door.

“Dinner’s in the microwave,” she said.

“I’m not hungry,” I replied.

“Do you want to talk?”

I looked at her, sitting in the late evening light, barely visible. This was new. She never wanted to “talk.”

“No. I’m fine.”

“Grannie called me and said that you asked to live with her.”

“It’s fine. I changed my mind. I can’t leave Jack alone. Who would look after him when you’re out on maneuvers? He’s too young to stay alone.”

“I’m sorry I’m doing this too you. I couldn’t imagine having to do this at your age.”

“It’s fine.”  

I turned on my heel and walked up to my room, closing the door quietly. I laid on the bed, looking at the ceiling. Again. And I started to cry. Again.

*****

We’d been in Turkey for about two months, and had more or less settled in. Meet the new house, same as the old house. Same base, different country. And now it was the first day of school. I’d made a few friends over the summer, but I was still missing my friends stateside.

I walked into my first class — AP calculus, and sat down. I nodded at a couple of kids I knew. I was a few minutes early.

“Can I sit here?”

I looked up.

“BEN!”  

I jumped out of my chair, and hugged him wildly. I pulled away and looked at him.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Alaska!”

“We were. But Dad’s orders were changed last minute. I just got in last night.”

I hugged him again.

“What are you doing in Turkey.”

“Your mom's my dad's new C.O. He got promotion to second-in-command, directly under your mom. Apparently she requested he be deployed here.”

“My mom did that? Are you sure?”

“Yup.”

I was dumbstruck. Maybe my mom wasn’t a hard-ass after all.