Step One

Rea hoped for the silence to be killed by chirping, or croaking, or any indication that there was another breathing being out there. But save for the sound of soil crunching under her feet, there was nothing. She could still see the entrance; she could just leave. She could sell her family a story about how enlightening her trip was, and how it changed her. Her dad would definitely buy it.

***

In a last-ditch effort to show her family that she was trying, Rea had booked a slot on an anger management retreat. The idea of a few days in a secluded area of town somehow being able to "fix" her seemed ridiculous, but she booked the trip anyway.

She fiddled with the folded corners of the pamphlet in her hands. 'Learn How To Control Your Anger In 3 Easy Steps' decorated the first page in big bold letters against a clip art background. Nothing done in three steps was ever easy.

She had survived Day 1 and 2 without doing any self-reflection or having any kind of personal growth. It was simple, all she did was repeat phrases she had heard at her crappy anger management classes and pretend to meditate. Oh! And the face; she had perfected an expression that made her look penitent at all times, gotta be convincing, right?

It wasn't that she hadn't tried to take it seriously, she just hadn't been able to get past Step One: Accept that you have a problem. Did she have a bit of a temper? Yes. But so did everyone. She didn't believe her anger was an actual problem.

She had faked her way through mandatory courses before without feeling anything, but something felt different. It was strange. Maybe it was because she was there voluntarily, or maybe it was something about the place. Guilt had overcome her, the pesky thing.

She made a teary confession to the retreat leader and halfway through it, her crocodile tears turned real. Handed her a pamphlet—the same one in every room and on every table in that place and told her to take a walk in the garden. She had spent all that money, driven all the way and his remedy was a nature walk? Unbelievable.

The silence in the garden was haunting. There was no birdsong to calm her now emotional self, no insects buzzing around to annoy her, nothing around her to make her feel.

She sat down and rested against an oak tree, the dewy grass clung to her exposed skin. She looked around for other 'garden walkers' but there were none. Maybe she would have felt better if there were other people there. It was a 'healing' journey, weren't there any other people at the retreat who had faked their healing and were banished to a timeout in the garden?

It was only after that thought that she realized she had been put in timeout, not just by the retreat leader, but by her family too. Maybe it was better that she was alone out there, with no one to witness whatever the walk would turn out to be. She had walked into that garden feeling sad, but somehow, through all the marigolds and the lilies and the pansies, anger found her.

She was angry at her mum for treating Rea's temper like it was something new and not something she had seen in her dad. And for ignoring her whenever she tried to explain that her micro-criticisms were the reason she raised her voice sometimes. She was angry at her dad because he yelled all the time too, but no one asked him to take any courses. She was angry with her sister Sasha for being late all the time. No one was throwing her into rehab for it. She was angry at Suzanne from work for being Suzanne from work.

Everyone had something, but apparently, some somethings were bigger than others.

And most importantly, she was angry at her ex-fiancée, Brian, for ending a three-year relationship and one-year engagement weeks before the wedding because she blew up at the wedding planner. He didn't take her side— not even when the florist got their order wrong, or when the photographer double booked them, or when... it didn't matter, it was his wedding too, and he just stood by.

In her memory, it played out like a sad scene in a movie; dumped over chocolate cupcakes. Who dumps someone while eating chocolate cupcakes? Then she was angry because she hadn't been able to enjoy a chocolate cupcake since then. She didn't even remember the beginning or the middle of his 'I'm kind of breaking up with you, but not really' monologue. But she remembered the end. "Get this under control, or we're done." 'This' being her temper. She had dealt with his snoring, his drinking, and his reckless spending habit, but he decided where the line got drawn? It was ridiculous. And then, she was mad with her mum and dad all over again, for siding with Brian when she rejected his ultimatum.

She remembered his face that day— he looked like the words took him by surprise, but his tone was immaculate like he had practiced in front of the mirror a thousand times. How long had he had the scene planned out? Did Mum and Dad help him write the script? They had always made their opinions about her temper known; it wouldn't surprise her if they did.

It didn't matter how you looked at things; he called off a wedding, their wedding, weeks before the date, without them ever having a conversation about it.

And normally that was the part where she would start yelling, but there was no one to yell at. She was all alone. She didn't feel the tears rolling down her face, but they were. The rough bark of the oak tree seemed softer than the way her insides felt at that moment.

And then... and then... and then, she was embarrassed. The thought came back. She had been put in timeout. She was a grown woman, in timeout. She was a grown woman being given ultimatums. She was a grown woman who handled said ultimatums so poorly that she ended a four-year relationship. She felt embarrassed that things had come to this. She felt embarrassed because she remembered that Brian did try to have the conversation, and she argued with him whenever he brought it up because she felt offended. She realized that telling her version of events had been easier. She felt embarrassed because the images of her finding creative ways of answering the question "What happened with you two?" came flooding back, and that she had to move back home after the breakup, and that Sasha moved out shortly after because Rea was 'too much for her'.

What kind of person chases their own baby sister away?

She felt embarrassed that she was at an anger management retreat because her loved ones thought nothing else could help her. Loved ones, was that even true anymore? They were her loved ones, but was she even theirs anymore? God! She'd been so horrible. She felt embarrassed because she was crying alone in a garden in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a damp pamphlet to muffle her sobs.

She got up then, the dew had formed a wet layer on her skin. She looked back down at the pamphlet, the moisture had made the edges wavy.

Learn To Control Your Anger In 3 Easy Steps.

Step One: Accept that you have a problem.

She pulled out her phone and called Brian while running a finger over the indentations the oak had made in her skin.

"Hey." She said, awkwardly dragging the monosyllabic word for longer than she needed to. "Can we talk?"