Sometimes a delusion can turn into reality

Clarissa remembered the first time she saw him, five years ago, it was not in person. She was looking at some pictures her friend Amanda had posted on Instagram. She had never been an enthusiastic surfer but remembered those mini trips around Vancouver Island all too well. They were often followed by drinks, music, and talks. Clarissa had left Victoria, BC to go study Finances at the University of Toronto. She truly believed that would fulfill her ambitions. Now, she missed her friend group and wanted to know every new face in the pictures, especially his. She was intrigued, if she ever had a type that was it. Amanda would mock her relentlessly if she dared to ask anything about him – she thought. After a bit of social media investigation, as one does, she found out he was single (yay!), and that he was Ray’s cousin – Ray was Amanda’s boyfriend at that time. Her new crush's name was Jessy Sandoval, he was originally from the city of Vancouver, not to confuse with Vancouver Island, and had recently moved in with Ray who resided in Victoria. He had a passion for surfing, and painting graffiti. He was finishing his studies in sociology, or something of the sort. She was a bored twenty-two years old so that sounded thrilling to her. He looked like a movie star when he smiled; that was probably his biggest selling point.

The first time she met him in person, four years ago, it hadn’t gone so great. She was now sure he had disliked her. They were all sitting on a terrasse, Amanda was facing her, and her crush, who had come after they already had a couple of drinks, had sat himself diagonal to her, just next to her friend.

She’d gotten drunk, properly drunk, and for reasons beyond her control, decided to complain about her life. The complaints were flowing out of her mouth like water out of a fountain; she couldn’t help herself. It started with the new job she got after graduating, then the city of Toronto itself, then the apartment, and finally, the cherry on top, what any guy wants to hear, how she couldn’t find a decent guy because they were all rotten. Amanda tried to interject with some positive observations, but Clarissa was on a roll, and soon the tears were rolling too. She went from sounding mildly negative to a pathetic slob of tears – it was bad from beginning to end. Amanda was amused, they’d been friends forever, and they both tended to dramatize things. The thing was that Clarissa had rushed into everything too quickly and all those rapid changes had affected her, but there was nothing truly alarming. Amanda knew her friend just needed to blow some steam, also, she was hammered. The next day, Clarissa would not only laugh at this glorious moment, but she would try to find solutions to her little problems. In short, Amanda was not worried.  But now, her friend was feeling all the feels and needed a supporting shoulder, so she tried her best to keep her composure and contain the giggles. Jessy did not attempt to move, but he tried to escape Clarissa’s rant by participating in the conversation on the other side of the table. His attempts were weak, however, and he saw himself slowly drawn to Clarissa’s little drama by forces he couldn’t fight. Something about it was compelling him, maybe it was the glances she would sometimes give him. Those green eyes were difficult to ignore.

At some point, however, Jessy started to show an unrestrained look of disappointment. He had seen real misery in his life, and this wasn’t it. This sounded to him like the whining of a spoiled child. Hadn’t he been drunk he probably would have seen the humor in it, but he took it all in with much more seriousness than deserved. An integral part of his life philosophy was to not judge others, or at least, not to verbalize his judgments, he hated when people interfered with his life, so he didn’t interfere in other’s people lives. It was with more impulse than intention that he blurred out in the utmost stern tone “Then why don’t you quit? It’s not like you were in a third-world country, with five children and surviving on the only job that you qualified at”, Clarissa was startled, she giggled out of pure nervousness. Even in her drunken state, she could see he was serious. It was like a slap in the face, she wanted to slap back but she had a second of lucidity and dropped the matter. Sensing the vibe, Jessy said his goodbyes and randomly joined a group of acquaintances nearby.

They saw each other two other times but scarcely talked. To be fair, both times, he’d been actively avoiding some girl who was aggressively pursuing him. Clarissa observed from afar, trying not to be obvious. From what she observed everybody seemed to like him, while his manners were reserved, he was outspoken and friendly. The few words they exchanged during those two events were very polite, it was as if the night at the terrace had never happened. More than once, however, she got the impression he was looking at her. But impressions can often be delusions – she kept telling herself.

“In every way possible, I’m not his type,” Clarissa firmly muttered to herself.

She went home, a little bit disappointed, and perhaps with a better opinion of him than he had of her. And that little comment he made at the terrace, she never forgot it, and was perhaps what pushed her to find a new job and apartment sooner than she was planning to.

Clarissa’s parents and younger brother had moved to Montreal shortly after she went to study in Toronto, and she had no extended family in Victoria. For years, she did not manage to go back. Now that she had an amazing job, meaning a busy and well-paying one, she had had little time to travel. When she did have the time, she would venture out of the country.  

Amanda’s lifestyle didn’t afford Clarissa’s out-of-the-country trips, so they only saw each other that one time Amanda showed up at Clarissa’s place, and that was three years ago. Three years is a long time when you’re young, they grew apart, so it took her by surprise when she received an invitation to Amanda’s wedding. It was a Christmas Eve wedding, Amanda had told her multiple times how, if she ever could afford it, since it was bound to be expensive, she would get married on Christmas Eve – she had seen that in some movie. Amanda smiled to herself.

She was taken aback by the choice of groom, Ray, the same guy Amanda dated five years ago. “They’ve started dating again?!” Clarissa exclaimed while staring at the invitation card. This gave her a pinch in the heart, it made her realize that she hadn’t talked to Amanda in months – not even a text message. Plus, her Instagram account had been hacked not so long ago, “things must have happened during that time,” she reasoned. After recovering from her shock, she recalled a little detail: Ray was Jessy’s cousin. Not that she cared much about that at this point, but she remarked on the matter, nonetheless.

Her family was disappointed, it would be the first time they would spend the holidays without their daughter. But they all loved Amanda, so they didn’t make any objection.

Even though she hadn’t been able to participate in any of the preparations, or prior festivities, Amanda had insisted on her being one of the bridesmaids. As her friend told her “Your only responsibility is your dress, get it right!”. That part was not entirely true since Amanda had requested her measurements and had sent them to the store and the dress had been sent to Clarissa by mail. It fitted perfectly well; there was virtually nothing to do on her part. Because she had too much wrap-up at work, she arrived only two days before the wedding.  The other bridesmaid and the maid of honor tried to make time to coach her during those two days, but it was impossible, it was the middle of the holiday, and everybody was in over their heads. When she arrived at the wedding ceremony itself, she was taken by the bridesmaids, who made her practice a very simple choreography. That exercise combined with the bride’s preparation absorbed all her morning. She hadn’t thought of Jessy in any way since she had received the wedding invitation, so she was somewhat startled when she noticed him arrive and place himself beside the groom. Everything that happened during the ceremony, including the photo shoot, was all too busy for them to even say hi.

The wedding celebration took place in a sumptuous hotel reception hall with tables that had more decorations than it had seats. There were exactly a hundred and three invitations sent, and not a single soul had declined. Everything about the party was a tad ostentatious; it was like being in a Christmas snow globe, but it was lovely. Clarissa’s old friends and acquaintances were all there, and even though most of them were beyond tipsy only a few hours upon arriving, there were no ugly incidents.

Due to the size of the group, the groomsmen and bridesmaids sat at different tables, adjacent to one another. This inevitably awoke her curiosity, and she repeatedly flashed glances at Jessy. She stopped only when someone remarked on it. That was a moment of sad realization; why was she pining for this guy? She barely knew him. Maybe it was the nostalgia, anyhow whatever she was feeling needed to be drowned in something stronger than wine.

She directed herself to the bar and didn’t ask anyone to join her since she needed a minute for herself, she had all the intentions of returning. The bar was packed, probably because the alcohol was virtually free and served generously; Amanda and Ray were amazing people.

Clarissa was so focused on getting the barman's attention that she barely noticed when she was lightly elbowed by someone. She turned her head more out of curiosity than animosity and saw Jessy, he didn’t look at her right away, he was staring at the bar, but she heard a distinct “hey” and she saw him slowly turn his head towards her. He hadn’t apologized so this was on purpose, she was once again startled, and she just stared at him for a few seconds.

Hearing no reply from her didn’t deter him from his goal, the multiple glances she gave him a few minutes ago had given him a lot of confidence. “How have you been?” he asked, he was looking at her with a sort of determination. “Hum, great, great, you?” he ignored the question but went on, “So you quit the horrible job?”, this brought a smile to Clarissa that lasted exactly a second, she smiled because he remembered that conversation which was so many years ago, and then she became very serious because she realized that, well, how could she forget how pathetic she had been. Did he also notice how she kept staring at him a few minutes ago? Shame overcame her. It would have served her better to pay attention to Jessy’s face than to her old memories, then she would have seen his smile. It was a sweet smile and one he could not repress. He offered to sit at the bar and despite her mortification she happily accepted. Because of her embarrassment, she was on guard, so the conversation was a tad awkward for the first ten minutes but then it began flowing. He shared some news about him, like the fact that he was now living in Vancouver and working for the city as an urban planner. He also shared with her how her rant on the terrace made him think deeply about his life goals; it made him change majors! “But you seemed so, hum, you were almost angry when you called me out on my bullshit”, those words made him blush, and he tried to explain himself “You sounded spoiled!” she looked a bit disconcerted by the answer, but he continued “I mean, I heard so much about you and I expected, I mean, I thought you wouldn’t be the kind of person to just let things happen to you.” He paused, “I thought we would have the chance to talk again. I don’t know why we didn’t.” She was delighted, it seemed to her that he was, back in the day, as eager to meet her as she was to meet him. She also realized that even though he was sociable, he was somewhat shy, sometimes he could not keep eye contact. He told her, that before they ever met, he had heard of her through Ray and Amanda. They had shown him pictures, this was odd enough to give him the impression they were looking to match them, but seeing he wasn’t asking many questions, they never insisted. He explained he felt way too awkward “creeping” on her like that. Clarissa laughed uncomfortably at that; she would never admit to him how she had stalked him – or maybe one day she would. Clarissa reflected; it seemed to her that their friends thought they were compatible but never forced anything on either of them. She now recalled how, just a few days before flying to Victoria five years ago, Amanda spoke about Jessy. She was so worried about looking too interested, for fear of mockery, that she shut that conversation down, which probably made her look completely uninterested. Also, that time at the terrace, it was Amanda who proposed to Jessy his seat. She wondered if that was Amanda’s last attempt. Days later, while discussing with Amanda, Clarissa found out why her friend never outright suggested Jessy as a potential love interest, it had something to do with Clarissa being too stubborn.

“So my pathetic rant made you think about YOUR life goals hun?” mused Clarissa.

“Yes,” he said calmly but with a wide smile, “You looked so miserable, that’s the last thing I wanted for myself”. They both laughed.

They were so entrenched with each other that they forgot where they were. Only the bride and groom snapped them out of their bubble, but only for a few minutes. The rest of the holidays passed rapidly, just as their attachment did.  She had to leave after two weeks, but he went to visit a month later. Then she went to visit and so on. After a few months, they were officially a couple. Their relationship taught them one important thing: they were incredibly compatible. After a year, Clarissa mustered the courage to leave Toronto for good, she had never liked that city, in fact, she still hated it. She soon discovered that for someone with her level of experience, there were plenty of opportunities in Vancouver. Now she planned to convince her parents to come back to BC.