Losing Color

“It’s not fair,” he wails.

“Life isn’t fair, Lucas,” I tell him, irritated by the echoing cries bouncing off of my classroom walls. 

“I want to color too!” The sobs continue.

“Lucas, look at me.” He stops staring at the floor and does as he’s told. “Crying is not going to solve this. I want you to try to compose yourself. Do you know what that means?”

He shakes his head, no.

“To compose yourself means to calm down and stop crying after being upset about something. Do you think you can do that for me?”

He sucks in a big breath and shakes his head, yes. He wipes his eyes.

“Good. Go get a drink and we will talk when you’re back. Deal?”

“Deal,” he chokes out, then walks out of the room.

Lucas is a student in the kindergarten class I teach. Today he hit his friend, Brandon, so I told him he wouldn’t be allowed to do the coloring page I gave to the rest of the class. He is usually good but lately there has been a shift in his behavior. I suspect something may be going on at home and I’m trying to get to the bottom of things. 

“Are you ready to talk, Lucas?” I ask him as he walks back into the room, seeming much calmer. 

“Yeah.” He says.

“Come sit next to me.” He comes to sit down on the beanbag beside me in the alone zone where the students go when they need space from their classmates. “Why did you hit Brandon?”

“He said he didn’t want to play with me during recess.” He explains.

“Brandon is allowed to play by himself or with other friends. You are too. You are not allowed to hit people, though. Do you understand?”

“But daddy hits mommy all the time.” He tells me simply.

My stomach drops. “Does he ever hit you?” I ask, doing my best to keep a straight face.

He suddenly looks scared. “I’m not supposed to say.” His eyes begin to well up again.

I make eye contact with my student teacher, Ms. Vanhirch. When she walks over to me, I quietly explain the situation and tell her that I am taking Lucas down to the nurse’s office. I turn my attention back to him.

“Hey, you don’t have to be scared. You can tell me anything.”

“Okay.” He responds.

“Will you come with me to Mrs. Laygar’s office? I think you look a little sick and I want her to make sure you’re okay.”

“Is she going to see the booboo on my tummy?” He asks me as we walk down the hall.

I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head in shock. “Yes and it’s going to be okay. She’ll help make it better.” I tell him, trying to be soothing.

I knock on her door.

“Come in.” She says from behind it. 

Lucas and I walk in. He sits down in a chair that is much too big for him. I beckon Mrs. Laygar out into the hall and explain what’s going on. She goes back in to examine him and I head to the office in search of the principal, Mr. Stein. 

“Sorry Mrs. Pensky, he’s in a meeting.” Donna, the secretary, informs me. 

“Look, I have a student in the nurse’s office and child protective services need to be called.” I say.

“Let me go see how much longer it will be.” Donna gets up and walks to his office. A moment later she returns. “He says he’s almost done.”

I pace and wait for him to come out. When he does, I tell Lucas’s story for what feels like the millionth time, watching the horror build on his face. As he heads to Mrs. Laygar’s office I write a statement about everything that Lucas told me. I feel so bad for putting him through this. Then I remember his brother.

“Donna, you need to call Connor Fisher down to the nurse. That’s Lucas’s older brother. He’s in 2nd grade, Mr. Matterson’s class I think.” I command quickly.

Connor walks past the office to go meet his brother. CPS is on their way. The kids in my class have been coloring for a long time. I hope Ms. Vanhirch has come up with another activity for them. I hang out in the office for a while, trying to come up with some comforting words for Lucas and Connor. 

When CPS arrives, I walk with them back to Mrs. Laygar’s office where the kids look terrified. They each have lollipops and are holding hands as a woman in a business suit explains what’s going on. I just watch them, all of them - Mrs. Laygar with tears in her eyes, Mr. Stein, a stoic look on his face, the woman from CPS smiling widely at the kids, Lucas frozen with his lollipop in hand, and Connor holding his brother’s hand so tight it was losing color. 

I look down at my wrist, under my clunky watch and big bracelets there’s a bruise. I think back to last night, when my husband and I were fighting. I tried to walk away, get my space, but he grabbed me. I told him to let go, but he wouldn’t. He just held on tighter, pulling me hard as I tried to escape his grasp. And then it was over, like nothing had happened. He called me a stupid bitch, grabbed a Bud Light, and sat down on the couch to watch the football game. I didn’t know what to do. I just walked away like I had originally planned and went to bed. I didn’t want to think about it. It’s funny how life always has a way of making your problems resurface.

When everything was said and done, the boys left with the woman from CPS. I told them to be brave and to look out for each other. I don’t know if they understood what was happening, but I did. When everyone had left the office, I stood with Mrs. Laygar, the sweetest woman in the world, and decided to put my trust in her.

“Could you take a look at this bruise?”