Goodbye, Seeya

“Goodbye”

“Seeya”

I turned and walked away. There was nothing emotional in our goodbye. There was no hug and no tears. At least not yet. I would not look back; it would be silly. We were not even friends, not really. We never really shared a laugh or a drink or a dinner or music. So, why was it hard to take these steps in a new direction?

A new direction. There were many offers laid out on my table of life. Which did I want to choose? Which way did I want to go?

I knew the way things had been were not working and that something had to change. These things that happened to me, external things, they needed to stop.

I remember a human resources lady saying to me once “Why do you keep letting things like this happen to you?” At the time, her comment made me mad. I did not want these things to happen yet somehow, she was suggesting I had power. I quit that job. Now I had finally reached the point of not wanting these things to happen to me anymore. It would not be an easy task moving on from this goodbye. I am sure I would falter in the years to come but I wanted better. I deserved better.

The afternoon after we said goodbye, I returned home and move a pile of books off my record player. I pulled out one of my favourite records by John Lennon and Yoko Ono. One of the songs always surprises me that it was by John. I do not know why. I guess I just grew up listening to it and believed it was by someone else and now I cannot get my head to think of it differently. I put on the kettle and noticed something. I was dancing and smiling.

What had I thought earlier? We had never shared music. I was a musician and loved music and loved to dance even though I was not very good at it. Yet the music had gone. The bad things that had happened to me and the people involved had somehow taken away my music. They had pushed a part of my soul away. That is when the tears started.

Who had I become? I would have bouts of rage set off by the tiniest of sparks. I would not see my friends. I would not dance, and I had shut out my friend music. I still played music, but I stopped sitting and listening to and enjoying music. I lost that feeling of letting it take over my body to come out as slightly uncoordinated dance moves.

I took out some photos of me with my friends. The happy girl that I had been. Always smiling and everyone was always laughing at my outrageous laugh. The tears continued. I finished making my cup of tea as the kettle boiled and sat in my beanbag flipping through the photos. I switched off the lights as the sunset and sat in the darkness for a while and breathed. Saying goodbye was the right thing but it also meant letting go and I was convincing myself I was strong enough.

I fell asleep for a while. When I woke, it was still the middle of the night. I walked out into the street and looked at the moon and stars. They were not as pretty here in the city. I always felt it made you feel less connected. The moon was shining bright however and I looked up at it and closed my eyes and smiled. I said a silent apology to anyone I had hurt whilst I was in this relationship and hoped for their forgiveness. I wasn't myself.

There was a slight chill in the air, and I could feel my cheeks growing pink from the cold. A thick blanket of clouds were coming across the sky and I watched them move. I was certain that if I focused enough, I could convince my brain the Earth was moving not the clouds. It made me stumble slightly. As soon as the clouds passed over the sky where I stood the temperature dropped significantly and so I headed back inside. I put on my most comfy pyjamas and headed to bed.

The next day I started by boiling an egg and putting on mt War of the Worlds record. The string rhythm and melody in the opening number are just the right thing to get me excited for the day. I pop on some toast. I grab a notepad and a pencil. Now that the goodbye was done, I felt I needed to make a list of what comes next. What happens when you say goodbye to a relationship? Whilst eating my breakfast and tapping my toes to the music, I start writing.

1.     I will not lose my music again.

I scribbled that out.

1.     Music is THE most important thing

Still not quite right. I needed something better. Music was my refuge. For some reason, I needed to remember that. Performing it was not enough. That was an escape for sure, but it was still work. When I needed to be uplifted, comforted, assured and happy music was there.

1.     Music saves my life

There. That was it. Music was always there if I needed it.

2.     I will not be a victim in my own life

I looked at the list. Two things. Two things that said so much. Two things that had sculpted my life. Two things that I had forgotten. Now it was my time. I ripped the page off the notepad and pinned it to my corkboard. I ran my hand across all the letters of thanks that were already pinned there and reminded myself “You matter. What you do touches people and you matter”

So, the goodbye at the start of this story? That was a goodbye to myself. To the version of me that I had become. If I did not let her go then I would not be able to move forward, I would not be able to stand up for myself and I would not be able to dance to the music.

“Goodbye,” She said.

“Seeya!” I said, defiantly.