Obsession Rage

Shying away from the broken mirror whispering over and over, “little girls should be seen and not heard.They should be seen and not heard. I pause. They should be,” I picked up the roses off of the dresser and threw them to the floor. They should be heard I screamed out! The dresser was covered with fragments of broken glass. Makeup powder everywhere. 

The room, the dresser, and the floor looked like a thief burglarized the place. “I am sorry daddy I did it again,” softly saying it over and over, “I did it again. Like a broken record. “I did it again. “Would this make you proud of me daddy?” I Just wanted someone to love me.

Obsessed with a desire to be loved but blinded by rage.

”Why did he have to be just like the rest of them, why does he have to be like you?” Pacing around frantically from the window to the door back to the window holding a knife in my hand with blood running down. Blood everywhere. I stopped and said to myself, “I am not good enough for anyone. Why does my father not love me?” but before I could finish my sentence I heard sirens and I ran back over to the window. 

Oh my Gosh I see cops and paramedics outside. They are everywhere. Everything froze in that moment, bound with fear. I hear in the distance the sound of a lady’s voice screaming in slow motion “we need help in here! Kay is not well. She has lost it. She has lost her mind. With animosity in my voice I yell back, “How can I lose what I’ve never had?” as I cut again this time even deeper than the first. Jax voice trembles as he says to me, “No no no no wait! Picking up whatever I could find to throw glaring at him “ all I ever wanted was to be loved and you played with my emotions.You played me. I was longing for you. For you to care but don’t.”

I lost all sense of self and purpose. 

After all he was not the first guy to stand me up nor the first guy to hurt me. I knew he wouldn’t be the last. 

Today he chose to come over and he only wanted one thing. He took it too. He took something from me that was mine. I hoped it was real but it was not. He knew he did not want me. He laughed at me as I wanted to be held and told me “oh nah it’s not like that.” Pushing me away from him. I felt disgusted. Went into the bathroom to wash up and I heard him on the phone saying, “yeah I hit it, she gave it up just like that. She seems a little crazy though. I could never love her and he starts to laugh. 

At that moment my heart turned cold. Thinking this is all my fault for trusting him. I let him into me wanting what I thought was love. Giving him my body. He did not want me. He didn’t love me. I will show him to not play with my heart. I go back to the room and say let's play a game. To my surprise he agreed. I handcuffed him to the bed and that is when I blacked out and it all began. 

Every time I thought about it I cut and he screamed for help “Crazy huh? I showed him crazy.” I laughed wickedly. No!No! he says, “please I am so sorry. You don’t have to do this.”

The police rush into the room a bit dismayed by what they see; they try to talk me into dropping the knife. By this time I’m feeling faint. A part of me started to realize what was happening and I couldn’t believe myself but I was too far gone to care. As they got closer to me. I could hear the police ask the paramedic how do you want to do this? I mean where do we put the handcuffs?  I’m screaming and kicking trying to fight them off like we are at war. 

“Leave me alone I’m screaming out as loud as I can. I then try to ask for help innocently, hoping they will let me go. “Help me Help me please. They don’t love me.” Getting no response from them. I start kicking my legs back and forth trying to pull my arms away. As I am no match for the four men, they are able to control me enough for the medic to do what he need to do. Holding me down firmly. I could not move. He grabbed his equipment, washed off the blood and bandaged my arms. I had a few scratches on my face and some stab wounds to the leg. He stitched me up but I was still a wreck. The four men took me to this room where another nurse was standing there with a big needle. I start to get out of control again screaming please no. I knew what this meant. My mind was trying to keep its composure but my body did not follow. They held me tight. I told them, “I am sorry I will behave. I promise I will be good.” They forced me into a straitjacket. The nurse stuck me with the needle and I succumbed to the medication. Like a zombie I was normal again. They left me there to sit in my silence for a while once I calmed down. One of the psychiatric technicians wheeled me back to my room. My roommate stood in the corner with a bewildered look and a shoe to her face calling me Kay! Kay! Welcome back Kay, she chuckled. What did daddy say? Did you see daddy again? Sitting in the middle of the floor looking at the barred windows rocking back and forth quickly. “Little girls should be seen and not heard. They should be seen and not heard. I’m sorry daddy. I did it again. Are you proud of me? I just want to make you love me. Kay said.