NEWS OF THE DAY

NEWS OF THE DAY

By

Les Clark

“Walter! Answer the phone!”

“What? Come downstairs. I can’t hear you.”

“Don’t make me raise my voice. The phone upstairs doesn’t work. You were supposed to fix it.”

“What? I still can’t hear you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m vacuuming.”

“Are you vacuuming?”

“I’m coming downstairs. I’ll answer the phone in the kitchen.”

“I was down the cellar. Good morning, my love. Want some breakfast?”

“Not yet. Didn’t you hear the phone ringing. I’m going to see who called and I’ll call them back.”

“I’ll look at the phone upstairs later. It must be a loose wall cord or something.”

“I think you have a loose cord some times. Oh, it’s Val. He called from the cottage. Something about an accident. He didn’t call back so it must not be serious.”

“Honey, any accident is serious. Remember when I tripped over the cat?”

“No dear...that was funny. The cat hissed at you, your picture and even when I mentioned your name. You were lucky Seymour didn’t bite you in your sleep.”

“You spent too many hours watching Creature Double Feature as a kid, Arlene. They don’t get even. And why didn’t we name the cat Mabel or Shirley?”

“Walter, we didn’t name him Mabel or Shirley because he’s a boy cat.”

“No, Arlene. Nononono! Seymour’s a girl. Didn’t you notice there’s no...how can I put this delicately...equipment hanging in the back.”

“Walter, I thought that was because we had him fixed. I think we should keep calling her Seymour because that’s the name he or she or it responds to.”

“Arlene, the cat responds to the can opener. You and I are just her minions. We live to serve her. By the way, please call Val back. It could be a serious accident.”

“Honey, a serious accident to Val is he spilled a twelve dollar Grande latte. Or he needs twelve bucks to buy one. I’ve got Val on the line. Hi son, how are you? What’s this about an accident? Are you okay? Did you get hurt? Do you need dad and I to come down?”

No, Ma. It’s kinda personal. Can I talk to Dad?

“Sure, son. Hold on...Walter, Val needs you. I’ll bet he’s gotten a girl in trouble. Didn’t you have THE talk with him? A good looking guy, living alone...we have no idea what he’s up to. Here, take the phone.”

“Hi, Val. It’s Dad.”

Yes, Dad. I know. You and Mom sound different.

“So tell me about the accident.”

Well, I got a hot coffee from the local Colombian Kingdom drive-through. My car lurched and I spilled super-hot coffee on my...well, I can tell you my boys need to recuperate before grandkids are in your future.

“Arlene, I’m going to take this in the study. Hold on, son. I’m walking with you. So, Val, I have to talk softly. Did you go to a clinic? You shouldn’t be embarrassed. They handle all kinds of things. Even...hot boys.”

It’s not funny, Dad. And not a word to Mom. I went to the gym and sat in the ice bath. I’ll be okay.

“So, let me rephrase this. Your boys went from the Amazon to the Arctic in an hour? You’re a good travel agent, I must say.”

Very funny, Dad. I gotta go. Love to Mom.

“Val, it’s Mom. I just fixed the phone upstairs that your father was supposed to fix. I only heard the last part. Your friends are flying from the Amazon to the Arctic? Are they scientists? You’re so lucky to have friends like that. Maybe they could take you along.”

Mom, I’m a plumber. They don’t need plumbing in the Amazon.

“Walter, why are you laughing? Val fixes plumbing problems.”

“Indeed he does.”

Mom I gotta go. Love you. Bye...Dad.

... ... ...

“So, Arlene, what can I make you for breakfast? Do you want one of my world famous omelets?”

“I am hungry, dear, but we had scrambled yesterday, pancakes the day before...hmmm, I don’t know.”

“Well, I can make you a Belgian waffle.”

“No, Walter, remember you turned the waffle maker into molten lava because you didn’t fix the cord. Hon, you’re just not good with cords. Let’s have cereal. You need the bran to get that pinched look off your face. Now you know what I’m talking about.”

“Arlene, we should be talking about world events, politics, the state of the economy instead of the state of my regularity.”

“Well, what’s a wife for if not for your health? Save that wink for tonight, lover boy. By the way, speaking of food, what do you want for lunch?”

“I’m not even thinking that far ahead. My goodness, look at how much cereal we have. Are you preparing for the end of days? There’s flakes and oats and bran that’s interrupted many a good walk. Oh, what’s with the marshmallow stars and geometric shapes?”

“Walter, that’s for when Janine brings the grandkids over. It’s all sugar. Not good for you.”

“Not good for man, beast or Seymour, Arlene.”

“Oh, Walter, speaking of that, Janine asked if we could baby sit Brandi and Shelby next Saturday night so they could have date night. You know...their jobs are so stressful they need a break. And you love the twins.”

“Are you kidding? They demand horsey rides all night. Have you seen my knees lately?”

“If I see your knees, Walter, I’ll turn to stone. They’re Medusa knees. They belong in that melty Picasso painting. If it’s a nice night, we’ll take them to the park and then for ice cream.”

“Well, okay but I’m lactose intolerant. We don’t want them gasping for air in the car. Sticking their little heads out the windows like dogs heading for the vet.”

“I’m sure we’ll have a good time, dear. By the way, what would you like for lunch?”

“Arlene, it’s barely eight thirty. I’m still debriding my toast. I’ll get the handle on that briquet maker yet. It may be the cord. While I’m scraping away, you could take care of those leftovers if you want to make space in the fridge. I think the meatloaf has been there since last fall.”

“Oh, you. I just defrosted it. Take a look in there, Walter. See what you like.”

“I have, Arlene. I took a flashlight in there. It’s scary. I’m sure the United States Army would love to weaponize that thing in the red container.”

“Oh, listen to you. Which one, Walter? They’re all red containers.”

“The one that’s moving, Love. Something has written HELP on the inside.”

“I get the hint, my husband. You can crown me the space master when I finish. You’ll hear your echo.”

“Space mistress, hon. Space mistress.”

“As the grandkids say, ‘whatever.’ At noon, go wash up, Walter. When you come down, lunch will be on the table.”

“In the meantime, Arlene, I’ll make a shopping list. We can head off to the market right after. I’m bringing my roll of CAUTION tape to string around the pastry case. You have a reputation."

"They won’t let you do that, Walter. Other people have to shop.”

“Arlene, I was a traffic cop for years. They shall not pass.”

... ... ...

“Well, Arlene, that was quite an interesting lunch. You elevated the term ‘playing with your food’ to a new level. I liked how you linked string beans into a tic-tac-toe layout.”

“How about the Brussel sprout playing pieces? Brilliant, n’est pas?”

“Well, I thought the whole thing on a layer of possessed mashed was courageous, to say the least. They had a tug-of-war with my fork.”

“Oh, Walter. How you exaggerate.”

... ... ...

“Walter, how are Val’s friends doing today?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I heard you tell Val that his boys won’t get frostbite. It really gets cold in the Arctic. I hope they have hot coffee.”

“Yes, that’s the right analysis. Good thought, Arlene.”

... ... ...

“Walter, I haven’t spoken to my sister in a while. I think I’ll give her a call.”

“Let me know how many minutes you want the egg timer set for. Your conversations make government filibusters look bad.”

“Well, go take a nap, then. I’ll fill you in when you get up.”

“So said Mrs. Rip Van Winkle.”

... ... ...

“Well, Arlene, it’s been an active day. It’s time to turn in. I’m beat from keeping that frosting- obsessed horde from trampling my CAUTION tape. I did it for you. I saved you from yourself. By the way, I’ll bring in your Amazon box in the morning. Want to tell me what you ordered? Why are you smiling. NO! Oh No...no you didn’t. I’m getting it now.”

“Walter, stop that pacing! I couldn’t resist. I ordered enough for both of us. Mint for you, double chocolate for me.”

“For shame, Arlene. For shame.”

“On your way back, Walter, bring milk. Then we’ll cuddle. Wow! Look at you move.”

... ... ...

“Goodnight, Arlene. Love you.”

“Back at you, Walter. Love you, too.”

“Meow.”