A Modest Guide to Cooking

I’m sure all of you are aware of the recent food shortages occurring across the planet. It can be hard to find something to eat nowadays given the rise in prices, and surging population, especially in regards to protein. Those of us who want to stay in proper shape need an abundant source of protein in their diet, and with how things are going, it might not be possible to sustain a normal body shape. 

After all, you wouldn’t want to be seen walking around like a slobbering mess out in public.

What I want to tell you is that there is actually a very easy source of valuable nutrition, high in caloric values, come in all different varieties, and spread all across the globe. They are so prolific in fact that you probably have one in your house. I’m sure if you’re reading this, you must already be aware of today’s topic, so I’ll try and keep things as brief as I can.

Many of you have tried to eat one of these guys before, but found it too gross and unpalatable. Often extremely fatty, with grease everywhere. There’s also a strong astringent taste in many of these animals that makes it unpleasant. But once you fully understand some of the intricacies with this ingredient, while it might not be your favorite meal, you’ll find it incredibly reliable when you feel like you can’t take it anymore.

Let me preface this by saying that this article is NOT a step-by-step instruction manual. These are just going to be some general guidelines you may find helpful when preparing this ingredient. 

I will throw a couple recipes here and there to try and illustrate my points, and I’ll do my best to only use locally sourced ingredients, but take these more as suggestions.

I am not a chef, these are just things that I do at home to try make this ingredient a bit more bearable for me. I encourage you to play around with it a bit, and maybe you’ll find something you actually like.

Step 1: Butchering

You’ll be incredibly hard pressed to find someone who will serve ready made cuts for this type of meat. I can’t imagine a human on earth actually selling this sort of thing. If anything, they’re more likely to sell them alive rather than chopped up. So you’re going to have to learn how to prepare this yourself.

Like any animal, you’re going to want to bleed it. Make a large incision in the abdomen, and remove any organs. If you’re a fan of offal, you can keep them around, just know that you’ll have to remove any waste from the intestines if you plan on eating those. These guys usually don’t have good diets, so all that waste tends to show in their organs.

Now be careful, this animal’s stomach acid is more acidic than a majority of animals, so if you’re not careful you can seriously injure yourself. I recommend tossing the stomach away, but if you want to eat the stomach, I suggest using a base like baking soda to weaken the acid prior to handling it. 

What you will often find though are chunks of metal and silicone. These are usually around the pelvis area, sometimes the chest, very often around the teeth. Just make sure you take them out. 

You might also take notice of the animal's exceedingly large head compared to the rest of their body. This is because they have one of the largest brain to body ratios of any carbon based life form. I personally have not found the brain to my taste, but if you enjoy that sort of thing, then you’ll absolutely enjoy this.

From there, it’s like cutting up any other animal. There will be a more detailed guide linked below showing all the cuts of meat, but for the sake of making a quick guide, I’ll start to talk about how to cook it.

Step 2: Preparation

Depending on where you source your meat, it’s likely that it’ll be high in fat and sodium. Sometimes you can even forgo using cooking oil when cooking a particularly fatty thigh or belly meat. There is a vast difference in the quality of ingredients, so use discretion when necessary.

This species tends to have little in the way of parasites, so that’s not a major concern. There might be some concerned about prions, but I wouldn’t worry about those too much. It doesn’t affect our bodies in that sort of way it does for them.

Some of you might like to dry age your meats, and that is a good way to enhance the flavor of the animal. But remember that there will always be around a 20% loss, if you somehow have enough protein for that, then all power to you. I’ll just stick to not having to try and hide a body in a cellar for months.

Regardless of the particular cut of meat you end up using, there is going to be an exceedingly high concentration of microplastic spread throughout. While these tend to accumulate more in the organs, the amount present in their muscles and fat is non-negligible. There are currently no substances on earth that can remove these, so unless you can find a way to get off the planet or get stuff delivered from half a galaxy away, you’ll just have to deal with it for now.

Step 3. Cooking

Cook until the internal temperature reaches a point of 175 degrees Fahrenheit to kill off any bacteria. A good way to test the temperature is to insert one of your feelers into the meat, and once is starts to feel slightly painful, that should be good.

The meat, for what it’s worth, tends to be pretty similar to pork for all of you that have gotten the chance to eat that. Others have said that it might be more like venison, but I’ve personally never tasted venison, so I can’t comment on that. So this can be used as a replacement for many pork dishes you might find in recipe books.

A personal favorite of mine happens to be this dish called Mapo Tofu, it’s a dish that uses a lot of different spices, and it tends to cover up some of the odd flavors in the meat.

But what I tend to recommend is parboiling the meat. This tends to remove a lot of the fat and sodium in the meat. You can decide to do a full boil, but the meat tends to not make a great soup. You can use the bones to make a soup stock instead and I much prefer this method, or just grind them down and eat the marrow.

If you do want to use the meat in a soup, I recommend throwing away the first batch of water. It might seem incredibly wasteful to use all that water, but remember, this planet is 70% water. It’s not a scarce resource like it is on other planets.

If you just want to cook a steak, that’s fine as well. Just know that dry bringing will amplify any flavors, so if you don’t particularly enjoy the taste, then you might not like it this way.

I haven’t tried many offal dishes, so I won’t comment on that. But as long as you follow the proper preparation steps, feel free to go wild.

Conclusion:

That’s all for the main guide. Below I’ll include a few more recipes. As for actually effectively hunting one of these, I’ll have a separate guide at a later date, as it’s too complicated to go over in just one article. If you’re not familiar with hunting, don’t be in a rush. These animals are far more dangerous than they appear, especially since the behavior patterns of this species are vastly different, and I’m sure all of your situations are unique and just having a short hunting guide might not be helpful.

So with that said, here are some recipes I like to use linked down below. As well as a guide on how to properly dismantle a human body step by step.

Long Live the Collective

https://how-to.com/Human-Anatomy

https://recipeonline.not/Blood-Sausage

https://recipeonline.not/Mapo-Tofu-with-Human

https://recipeonline.not/Tailbone-Soup

https://recipeonline.not/Smoked-Human-Belly