Robin's Walking Mirror

The first time it happened, Robin was just twelve years old. She was in the car with her sister, Margo, who was back from college on break. Margo had decided that she had better spend some serious bonding time with her little sister because she seemed to be getting more and more withdrawn. Margo wanted to help, but most of her life was tied up in school right now. The classes were a challenge and the boys a distraction. So, when she got home in December, she was dedicated to trying to pull her sister out of the quiet under which she had fallen.

Margo had taken her bowling and to get some fries and a shake afterward. Little by little, Robin had started seeming a little more like her old self, chatting and interested, but the whole night was a series of two steps forward, one step back for Margo. They had an animated talk about a crush that Robin had at school, but then she got quiet again after Margo had asked her about the upcoming winter dance. Robin was interested and inquisitive about college and wanted to know everything Margo did during the day but wouldn't talk about her days for anything. Every time Margo prodded her, she would just descend into teenage glum and say, "Nothing. I'm not doing anything. It's fine. Whatever."

After they had polished off their fries, they walked out into the chilly winter air. Margo said, “It smells like snow.” Robin didn’t respond but looked up into the air as the first flurries of the season started to fall. They both stuck their tongues out and tried to catch a few of the freshest flakes of the year, just as they always did. They each laughed at the sight of the other with her tongue out and Margo started feeling a little better about the night; a little less disheartened by her lack of progress. She was grateful that she had a long break ahead of her to work on Robin. 

As they drove down Main Street, suddenly, Margo cried out, "Oh my god! Look at that girl over there," pointing toward the sidewalk. "She looks exactly like you."

"What? Where?" Robin said, looking out of the window. 

"Right there, at the pay phone."

Robin looked at the girl and confusion clouded her face. "That's not what I look like. What are you talking about?" The girl on the phone suddenly looked up, directly at Robin through the car window and all she could think was, "Is that what I look like? No, that’s definitely not what I look like." There was nothing wrong with the girl, Robin just didn’t think they were similar at all.

"Are you kidding? She's like your twin. Even her clothes look like something that you would wear." The light turned green and they had to pull away from their gawking now, but Robin's eyes were locked with the girl, craning her head as they drove up the street, until she was too far away to see. She didn't say anything.

"That was weird," Margo said. Robin was silent. She could only think how the girl did not look like her but the vision of her stayed in her head and she didn’t know why. The strangest thing to Robin was that Margo didn’t know what she looked like. How could her own sister not know that she didn’t look like that girl.

The second time Robin saw the girl, it was years later. She was walking down the street on a blustery day. The wind swept up into a huge gust, dislodging her hair from its bun. She turned to look into the reflective window of shop, and as she adjusted her hair, she saw the girl in the glass. She turned and looked around, and though the sidewalk was full of different people, she didn't see the girl. She felt odd, a little queasy. Was this doppelganger following her? Had she always been following her? She realized that she was late for work, turned back to the glass and focused on tidying her hair. As she finished her walk to work, she scanned the other people on the street, but there was no sign of the girl.

Years later, Robin was taking her daughter to the toy store for a treat. Bella was bouncing toward the door, loudly planning all the stuffed animals she was going to find and bring home. As they entered the store, a woman stopped in her tracks right in front of them. Robin looked at her inquisitively and held Bella's hand tighter in case she was some kind of nut-job.

"Oh my god! It's like she's your clone," the woman said, with an obvious hint of distaste, as if Robin really had a lab and spent her nights busily building tiny clones of herself.

"Uh, ok." Robin said and pulled Bella away from the woman, toward the stuffed animals. As Bella browsed and hugged every animal that she could reach, Robin was lost in thought. Over the last few years, many people had remarked on how much Bella looked like her, but usually it was sort of sweet and made her feel the mother/daughter bond more deeply. But honestly, Robin really couldn’t see it that much. They had similar coloring, hair and skin, but she thought Bella's face was distinctly Bella and really didn't see herself in the shape of Bella's nose, or eyes, or mouth. And the woman seemed almost angry, as if she couldn't handle just how much they looked alike. She whirled it all around her head way too long, and by the time she was paying attention again, Bella was holding a menagerie of new stuffed animals that she wanted, so many that she could only clutch the ear or tail of some as she squeezed them to her body. 

"Just one," Robin said, smiling patiently. "Which is your favorite?"

"Oh mommy! I can't choose. I NEED them all!" Bella protested.

"We'll come back, but today, we've got to just get one. Let's see what you have there." Robin unloaded Bella's arms and lined up all the animals. She was quickly able to weed out several that had just gotten swept up in excitement. She went through, eliminating, round by round until there were just two left, that looked identical, but were different sizes. 

"These two are exactly alike, Bella. Do you want the bigger one? Or the smaller one?"

"Oh mom, please can I have them both? Pretty please," Bella campaigned. Robin sighed, thinking that they were so close to a decision, yet probably, so far.

"Mommy, they are like you and me! They're a momma and baby cat!" It was the third rail for Robin's fortitude, especially after the weird clone comment.

"Alright, just this time," she gave in.

"YippEEE!" Bella squeaked, jumping up and down. "Here, you carry the momma."

They went to the register each carrying a stuffed cat. The woman was hovering, still eyeing them as they approached the door to leave. 

Robin guided Bella to the other side of her so that she could usher her out of the door as far away from the woman as she could. She looked back and the woman was still staring at them.

"She's my daughter, ok?" Robin said back to the woman as the door slid closed.

She had no idea why she thought she had to say it and felt stupid even talking to this wacko, but Bella pulled her out of it, by making the baby cat in her arms say, "And you're my momma!" She pushed the baby cat into the momma cat as if to make the animals hug and Robin pulled Bella close, giving her a squeeze as they walked toward the car.

One morning, two years after this, Robin found herself exhausted, trying to rally herself to get ready for work. She was standing in front of her bathroom mirror. As she listlessly brushed her teeth, she thought about the previous night. It was horrible. She hoped in the end, it would be for the best, but watching David walk out of the door made her feel like she had failed. And she felt alone and lost. Her life had decided to totally upend itself with the conversation that started with a stone in her stomach and ended with the break-up. How was she going to tell Bella? Were they going to have to move? How was she going to make everything ok? 

She spit out the toothpaste and rinsed her mouth. She picked up her face soap and started to wash her face. She felt like gravity had doubled and every movement she made was three times slower than normal with the weight on her body. As she rubbed the soap around her face, she looked in the mirror, checking her face. Even under the frothy soap, she could see that she looked tired and bedraggled. Her eyes were puffy from crying and the bags under her eyes looked like they were packed up for a trip. She saw some gray hairs at her temples and fine lines forming around her eyes, despite their puffiness. She sighed, dejectedly, and splashed her face with water to rinse off the soap. 

She had no energy for the day ahead. She couldn't go into work and put on a happy face. She doubted that she could even fake it for Bella while she tried to figure out how to explain things. She stood, staring into the mirror, at this face showing all the signs of life gone wrong. As if caught in a loop, now she saw all the other things that were wrong with her face. Her chin, always threatening to bloom into a double chin. Her nose looked too big. The lines around her eyes were just a harbinger for what her creased forehead showed. She started counting and viscously plucking the gray hairs that she saw. 

Then she dropped the tweezers and as she rose from picking them up, she leaned in closer, placing one hand on the mirror. Something made her stop and she stared at the hand. She just stared, at her hand and the hand in the mirror, touching her own through the cool glass. That's my hand, she thought. She pulled her hand away from the mirror a little and turned it around, looking at it at the end of her wrist and then in the mirror. She looked up into the mirror and suddenly noticed the girl staring back at her. That girl from years ago. She didn't see all the flaws for a minute, just that image of herself as young woman. She looked into the eyes that were looking at her. She looked into her eyes. Not at the wrinkles, or lines, or gray hairs. 

She looked into the eyes and thought, "Is that what I look like?" The question was curious now, rather than judgmental. She felt like she had never actually looked at herself, even though she had looked in this mirror hundreds of times. And just now she realizes that she really doesn't even know what she looks like. She knows the pieces. How her eyes look slightly different, making her eyeliner tricky. She knows how her cheekbones settle as she has used brushes to contour them to more prominence. She knows about those blasted lines and eye bags. But she doesn't actually know what she looks like, as a whole. As a whole face. As a whole person. She touches the mirror again, still looking into her eyes, and leans in closer. 

"This is me?" she thinks, confused. "Yeah, this is me. This is me." She stares for a long time, and then finally asks, out loud, "Are you ok?"

It was like a long-lost friend had wrapped their arms around her, making her feel safe and cared for. Her eyes welled up, but she didn't break eye contact. She hears Bella coming toward the bathroom and knows that she's only got a few more seconds with herself. She takes a deep breath and says, "You're doing your best," then laughs a little at the cheesiness of talking to herself in the mirror. But she feels like she can handle the day ahead. Maybe not tomorrow, but today, she can handle. She's found someone who will help her.