Carol

Shortly after the ding sound, the familiar stinking smell of Mom’s cheap shampoo filled the air; they were behind the door but the odor was so strong it passed every obstacle. Mom always used that shampoo because it was even cheaper than soap. Mom made us use it too; I always hated it, it made my already itching head feel like a dozen bees stung it. 

Maybe it was a mistake.

I tried to shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen… And I was to blame… I arranged this…

Soon they were knocking on the door. Even though we were standing next to it, we waited… 

I opened the door at last. The smell, that I once thought could never find me, was now in every crevice of my house. I wondered how long it would take to get rid of it.

I couldn’t sleep well for a week imagining and wondering what this moment would feel like. 

Unexpectedly, it felt nice seeing their familiar faces; I could feel the warmth rising from my stomach to my chest.

Mom had a huge smile on, the one that she usually had. Dad however didn’t have any, that also wasn’t unusual. 

“Hi!” Mom said 

“Hi,” I replied

They hugged me first, then they hugged Bethany and then Anna. After that I decided I was nervous for no reason, we were family! Everything was okay…

We sat at the table in my living room. My Apartment wasn’t big and I didn’t need big either, besides I wasn’t used to big. It had one bedroom just enough to fit a bed and a suitcase which I kept my home clothes. Everything else I put in the living room: work clothes hanging in a small wardrobe, an iron on the floor, garbage bin and other things that I got for free, all laying on the ground. I informed them already but they still looked shocked.

“An apartment like this and you still manage to make us wait,” Dad joked.

After all that time, that was the first thing he said; while Mom called us he never did. Well, some things don’t change. 

  I looked at my sisters’ faces. They seemed anxious, Anna more than Bethany. It was normal after what happened… They’ll be fine...

Dad told us about his students and Mom told us about her strict boss. We joked and laughed. Everything was okay now. Then it was time for the cake. I brought it and mom cut it. It had ‘Happy Mothers Day’ written on it. Everything was fine…

Mom tried to cut five equal pieces but the last one was smaller than the other ones. 

“Ugh, that piece will definitely end up on my plate,” Bethany said, “That always happens.”

“Blame it on being the middle child” I said with a grin. It was just like it used to be…

Bethany usually said she was happy not being spoiled like us, instead she said “Technically, you’re also the middle child” 

I didn’t like it when we pretended he didn’t exist… that he never did in fact was born. But we weren’t pretending, we didn’t need to anymore… time has passed and everything was better…

I nodded, I wanted to close the topic. But Anna didn’t

“Oh poor Carol, you should have been the first born, we don’t lose our position even if we get new siblings.”

Maybe I was exaggerating the situation… 

“Well - it doesn’t matter anymore does it. Carol is the youngest.” Anna pointed her fork at Dad. “Because you killed him.”

Bethany

 From the three of us Carol was the one who got affected by it the most; she was only 14 when he died. 

After his death Anna rented a house and asked me if I wanted to come; I was going to be 18 that month. Without hesitation I went with her. 

That day Carol was the only one to see us off. I felt so guilty leaving her like that. 

“Good thing I’m not a man,” she said carrying one of the backpacks “then you would be leaving a man behind.” 

That was a reference from when we were kids: Our favorite comic book had the line ‘No man left behind’. 

 I told her over and over again that we’d take her when she was old enough.

And now, after all that time, she was still hurt because of that. 

I could have stayed…

***

Dad’s hair was more even than it usually was. it was hard to notice; the lower part of his hair was shorter than the above part. 

He always cut his own hair but it didn’t seem like it this time. 

He also had small red marks on his jaw and cheeks which never happened before because he shaved carefully.

He seemed to be using a perfume which I wouldn’t be able to notice if I wasn’t sitting next to him. I would believe that he made a total stranger spray it on him rather then that he bought one and used it. 

I was closer to Dad more than my other siblings but I couldn’t ignore the fact that he caused Adrien's death. 

Dad opened his mouth to say something as a reflex then he closed it just as immediately; he knew where this conversation was going. His chin was trembling, there were tears in his now defensive eyes. 

He didn’t say it but we all knew what it was. 

Anna went as far to answer it: “And whose fault was that?”

“It’s not your uncle-” 

“I meant you, Dad, it’s your fault,” her chest was going up and down faster every second, “Everything! Everything's your fault!” we were all so quiet for a moment when Anna started again, “I was a fool to blame uncle when it was clear as day whose fault it was,” 

I wanted to say something, back her up. 

I couldn’t think of anything to say.

What could I say? 

Besides he was my father and I always supported his decision to help Uncle. I thought I would do the same if I was him; that was before he went too far. 

Anna laughed sarcastically “I was a fool to want to believe you when you said it wasn’t your fault.”

I knew I had to say something. Anything. Something that showed I wasn’t his ally anymore, “We don’t mean anything to you,” I didn’t have the courage to say something that day, “do we?”

“Everything’s-” Carol's voice was a whimper, “not okay,” now it was a cry, “Everything’s not okay” Carol had her legs with her on the chair, she had her face buried to them, “it never will be.”

Anna 

Mom had wrinkles in her eyes and her hair was greyish. Dad also had wrinkles although it wasn’t as prominent as Mom’s, his now big belly made up for it. 

I can’t remember how they used to look, but I’m sure it wasn’t like this. 

Dad stood up without looking at any of us, “I’ll wait in the car.”

***

We don't have an uncle. We have a leach who left Dad sleepless at least once a month, who took our pocket money, who made Dad clean his mess every time. 

It got worse and worse every year until one day Dad got a phone call from him saying that he was going to be killed if he didn’t pay his debt. He asked for a lot of money, Dad didn’t have that money, how could he, he was just a teacher. I remember every detail: he turned to me,

“You need to help him.”

I didn’t understand that he wanted every single penny I earned working my bottom off, I needed that money for college. He never gave me any money. Naturally I didn’t give it to him. He was asking for my future, FOR WHAT! For someone I have never met! 

“What do you mean, no,” he asked, “you want me to let him die!”

“No, Dad, I want you to leave me out of this!” 

He tried to talk me into it first, then he said I was killing my uncle, that I was a murderer he said I was ungrateful for everything Dad did for me. 

I tried to explain that it was Uncle’s problem, not ours: especially not mine.  

I tried.

He didn’t listen.

Early in the morning he came rushing into our room while we were asleep. He was in outdoor clothes and he still had his coat on. His face was red from running. He grabbed my right arm while I tried to grasp what was happening. He dragged me out of my bed, out of our room. 

“Either you give the money.” He took my bank card out of his coat's inner pocket. “Or I’ll have to show you the door.”

He was tightening his grip on my arm from time to time, causing me to wince. 

He apparently tried to get my money without my consent and they didn’t give it to him. 

I shouted so much that day; I lost my voice for a week. 

He was so determined to steal my money; he went as far as throwing my belongings out of a window. Then he started to throw them at me. Mom was trying to stop Dad. Carol and Bethany were sitting on the couch waiting for all this to be over. It might have lasted for several hours; it stopped when we realized Adrien wasn’t anywhere in the house...

***

Mom and Bethany were trying to calm Carol down who was crying silently now. While I stared at Dad walking to the door. Before closing the door behind him; he said:

“It was an accident, he ran away.”

Not saying it didn’t avoid the conversation; there was nothing holding him from saying it one last time. 

Something about his voice was different though; It had more doubt in it.