Then and now, When and now

It’s just another day, just an ordinary day, nothing special, blah de blah. That’s what they all say, right? But it is. Isn’t it dull when life is so cliche?

I’m halfway home from the shops, miles away on my phone, when I glance up. He’s standing next to the bus stop, slouched and completely relaxed. His confidence is what draws my eye at first, that whole body confidence that isn’t forced or situational; he knows who and what he is, and he’s at peace with that. I’d kill for that surety.

While I’m eyeing him up- quite subtly, so I think- he winks at me. That draws my attention to his face properly, and right on the heels of ‘creep’ comes the realisation.

He sees the knowledge on my face and grins. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey. You’re…’ I can’t say it out loud, it’s too stupid. At the same time, it’s undeniable. I can’t stop staring at him, fascinated and horrified by how many family members I can see in his features. I don’t think I’ve ever felt my jaw drop before.

-

‘Yes.’ It’s hard not to laugh. The kid’s face is a picture. Wide eyes, slack jaw, lord, he’s moments away from dropping his phone as well. Text book shock. Ah well, at least that means I don’t have to explain. I was dreading his stubborn arse denying it for the whole time I had here.

‘Oh.’ He swallows, finally closes his mouth and puts his phone away. ‘Okay. Can I ask how?’ And just like that, it’s all okay. He can deal with it. I wish I could still adjust so well.

‘You probably shouldn’t.’ Cos I’m damned if I can explain it. It doesn’t matter how many times they sit down with their nice, big, idiot friendly diagrams and short word sentences, I still think they’re missing a few important steps. A few equations and then poof? You can’t just get things done like that.

‘Fair enough. Can I ask anything?’ He’s got a smug smile, aware a second before I figure it out, that by asking he has of course already asked a question. I can feel the syrup in my brain, and wonder when the last time I taxed it like this was. Too long, that’s for sure. I need to change that.

‘You can ask. Not sure I’ll be able to answer.’ I have a go at the smug smile myself. It feels good. Those muscles haven’t been used in an age.

He gives an appropriate response and rolls his eyes. ‘Fair enough. Let’s start with… how old are you?’

‘That should be fine? Fifty-three. And by my reckoning you’re… eighteen?’ That was when I was aiming to land at least. It’s not as if I’ve had time to find a convenient newspaper lying about with the date on it. Who even reads newspapers, anyway?

‘Yes. It’s not that precise then?’

Damn it, he saw through it. He really is pretty sharp, I don’t remember that at all. ‘Not really, no.’

His frown deepens and some of his slouch vanishes as he starts to actually invest in our conversation. ‘Is it common place? Can everyone do this, all the time?’

‘No. Just once.’ A good question, and I feel a little spark of pride in him.

-

‘And you used your one time to come here? To see me?’ That’s utterly ridiculous. I’ve been to the shops, it’s hardly a memorable day. If it wasn’t for this conversation, I don’t think I would remember today tomorrow. Why bother coming here?

‘Like I said, it’s not very precise. There wasn’t any aiming involved at all. It feels your DNA trace through time… yeah, I think I’ve said enough with that. You’ll find out, eventually.’ He drops into the subject so carelessly. At least there are some brains there, that’s an encouraging side. I’d be so damn lost if anyone tried to explain to me.

‘Spoil sport. Are you doing anything here? Do you have a secret mission or something?’ I know it’s stupid the second the words leave my mouth, but why else would he be here? I’m certainly not worth visiting, not like this.

‘Yeah, right! This isn’t some spy film or something. It’s…it’s a day trip, really. Self-discovery, personal fulfilment… the sort of thing you really hate, as I recall.’

That’s a weird thought. He knows my mind, knows my thoughts. And not just ‘guesses at the surface ones’, but he knows the deep down ones, the ones I never talk about, the day dreams, the inner monologues, all the boring humdrum of my mind that keeps me company… and he knows I’m thinking about this right now. That smirk proves it, the smug sod.

I scoff. ‘Yeah. Sounds like some health farm crap. What can you learn going backwards? Wouldn’t it be better to go forwards? Or can you give me some advice to fix something? To make a better decision, get a better result.’ Damn it all, I’m babbling, and I’m snappy. Why do I want so badly to impress him? Does that even matter, or count? Of course it does, I guess, but going down that road is all health farmy and self discovery as well.

‘Result? Life isn’t just about results.’ And he says it with such conviction that for a minute I actually believe that. But no one else does, not in the real world. Sure, they all say they believe that, but the second you get bad grades or lose your weekend job, suddenly it’s all about achievements and goals and doing better, and if that isn’t all about results then what is?

‘You know what I mean.’ Literally, for once. ‘Well, can you?’

He sighs and gives a small sad smile, but there’s actual feeling there, not the blankness I always feel from others. ‘No.’

‘So what is the point of this?’ Why tease me with someone who might actually care, and encourage me? What’s the damn point?

‘There’s a lot you can learn looking backwards.’ Oh great, wise old teacher time.

‘No there isn’t. You’ve been there, done it all. Anything you’ve learnt you know in the present- your own present, that is. You can’t learn anything else by coming back here.’ All I see behind me are stupid mistakes and regret. I want so badly to be like him, able to face his past and still smile. Still have time for it, and for who he was.

‘I can actually. I have, actually.’ He looks me up and down and I blush. There’s chocolate on my trousers and toothpaste on my shirt.

If my arms are crossed like this, maybe he won’t notice the toothpaste at least. I think I can blag the chocolate, for the most part. ‘Oh? Like what?’

-

So much, and I can’t believe it myself. He’s still so full of fight, of self-determination and resilience. Not to mention, scrawny as a rake, with a few bits of fruit strapped on. He doesn’t go to the gym, did he really get those muscles naturally? That’s going to get wasted, damn it. ‘I’ve learnt that you’re a pushy little so and so who thinks you’re right all the time.’

‘Alright, grandad.’ He rolls his eyes and slouches even more, somehow. So nonchalant, despite the absolute wonder he’s witnessing.

Time to burst that bubble. ‘Grandad? You know that makes this utterly disgusting, right?’

‘What, eww!’ He actually winces, as if I just suggested he and I make out. That’s the stupid trope, isn’t it? Guess they never thought about if there’s an almost forty year difference between yourselves. ‘I didn’t mean my grandad, I just meant… well, you’re old.’

Not that bloody old, the little sod. ‘If I’m a grandad, you’ll have to get your act together. Get a move on with the family planning. Which would be impressive, given there isn’t anyone special at the moment.’ A low blow, and I can feel the squirming in my gut even over the decades.

‘It’s just a turn of phrase, jeez.’ I hadn’t realised someone could turn that red. I feel bad, but I’ll be damned if I let him see it. No-one gets away with a grandad joke at my expense. ‘Although… is there going to be anyone soon? Where do I need to look?’

‘I can’t say.’ Suddenly, I realise why so many characters in pop culture talk so vaguely and enigmatically. From this side of the conversation, it’s fun.

‘Oh, come on! Surely that can’t end the world, knowing when I’m next going to get laid?’ He’s still bright red. Can you give yourself sunburn from embarrassment?

‘Next?’ I remember. Not a date I’m likely to forget, and I know he hasn’t seen it yet.

‘Oh, shut up!’ Ah, no. This is the sunburn time. Or maybe I’ll get sunburn from standing so close.

It’s wearing a little thin, having him so easy to tease. But that honesty, that vulnerability, is so refreshing. He feels with his whole heart, and I have to admire that. ‘Come on, you know you can’t lie to me. Stop trying.’

‘You don’t have to be such an arse about it. But… I do… I mean will I…’ I know what he actually wants to ask. It’s not the physical he’s worried about; it’s the emotional. The connection. The belonging.

‘Yes. You do. I don’t think I’m going to ruin anything by saying that much at least.’ Nothing could ruin what I found. But I don’t want to get his hopes up too high, or set his expectations out of sensible limits.

And just like that, he shrugs the swagger back on, in control and total calm again. ‘Cool. I mean, of course. Never a doubt. It’s just, you know…’

What I wouldn’t give to have never a doubt again. ‘Yeah. I know, kid. My time’s up. I need to head off now.’

-

‘That’s really it? One crappy conversation? You all can’t find a better use for this technology?’ This can’t be it. All that science, just for some stupid chat about… what? It’s not like we’ve even talked properly, just jibed at each other. And still he looks so contented, like he’s just discovered nirvana. What I wouldn’t give for that sense of peace.

-

‘Welcome to humanity. The only species to invent chronic insecurity. I’ll see you round, after a fashion.’ Yet it’s hard to be insecure when you see the confidence of youth, and know that you had that power once. Jealous and nostalgic, that’s easy. But if I remember him, as he is now, and live a life that he would be proud of… maybe I can actually make something of all this.

I raise my hand over my shoulder as I turn away.

-

He just walks away. A half-hearted wave, so carefree and happy and I hate that I can’t have that now. But I know I can achieve it. I know that I do achieve it.

I raise my hand in the same way. ‘Yeah. Same, I guess.’