Be Mine

Like butter spreading over a piece of dry bread, the wind melts over her skin leaving her feeling cool and alone. It has been months since he touched her, held her, loved her and the cool breeze was an unwelcoming reminder of a hole she felt deep inside. As she walked, the breeze grazed over her face with flashbacks of the way he touched her face, a soft and well-manicured hand slowly grazing each well thought out chiseled corner. Each finger, one by one rubbing her cheek, then chin, then stopping at her well-defined plumped lips. She reached up and put her hand to her lips as though she could still feel his touch, she left her hand there for a moment longer, soaking in what it would feel like to have his touch one last time.

She can hear the laughter and screams from the seats above, holding his hand tight she prepares for the change in altitude as the cart brings her from the stars down to the ground below then back up to the stars again. She looks out into the dark sky and back at his face, his beautiful, perfect face. As they dip back down to the crowd below, he smiles towards her, a kind and promising smile. She wonders to herself, how could someone so kind and gentle want to be with someone so withdrawn and broken. You are beautiful, he whispers. I have never seen something so perfect and amazing in my entire life, I want you to be mine. In that moment her heart fluttered, her hands began to shake, and her teeth began to chatter. She wanted to answer him, she wanted to dive headfirst into him and all that he offered. But she did not know how. And just as she began to push away, he grabbed her and pulled her close and placed his lips on hers. Her heart calmed, her hands stilled, and her lips aligned perfectly with his.

The sweet smell of lilies, colors purple and pink, her dress a cream-colored white. Family and friends all around with wedding on their minds. She stood in front of the mirror and studied herself. She had never seen herself look like this before, look so, look so stunning. She was not one for makeup or dressing up, her usual attire consisted of yoga pants and a T-shirt and hair in a perfectly tight ballet bun. Today was different. She felt different. She looked different. It was a start to something new for her. Her hair curled and pulled back into a low French style twist, her nails painted a pale blush pink, her face airbrushed with the perfect tone of foundation. The perfect shade of tans and gold used to accent her deep green eyes. She never noticed the gold ring around her pupil until today, she never noticed that her eyes were in fact mesmerizing. She smiled. No one else was in the room to see her smile, but she smiled. She does not like to smile with her teeth, but today she shows herself what its like to smile and expose her straight white teeth and the deep dimples on each side of her cheek.

It is a beautiful day, one with the sun fully out and not a cloud in sight. She looked forward to walking down the isle, she looked forward to seeing him, to seeing his face when he saw her, she looked forward to marrying him. Her dad died of a massive heart attack 5 years earlier so her mom was to walk her down the aisle. As the time came her flower bridesmaids and flower girls lined up to go. When it was time for her, she took a deep breath, as she did this her mom put her arm through hers and squeezed tightly. Just then she exhaled and straightened herself up and was ready to go.

When she entered the outside area all their guests raised from their seats and turned their attention straight towards her. She looked past them, she looked for him, and just as she found him her heart skipped a beat. Just as she looked at him, he spotted her, he gasped, and she could see him mouth WOW to himself. She smiled. A big smile, one like she did before in the dressing room. She could not help it. He always made her smile and today he made her smile bigger than she had ever smiled before.

He was tall, six’1 to be exact. His black suit was fit to his build perfectly. His hair was deep brown, blowing in the light breeze that passed by. His face tan and cleanly shaven with no hair in sight, his eyes warm, inviting, those who could see into her soul. He smiled, and she swore the sun got brighter, that the light hit her face and guided her way towards him. So, she walked, she began to walk down the aisle, with her momma on her side she walked down the aisle. Passing all the guests who were smiling at her as she passed, she looked forward at him, at his beautiful smile and walked. As she got closer to him, her heart began to speed up, her hands began to sweat and shake, and her lips began to tremble. Then she was at his side, he leaned in to kiss her cheek and he whispered in her ear, I want you to be mine. Thoughts of the first time he said that and when he pulled her in close crossed her mind. Her heart slowed, her palms stopped sweating and her hands stopped shaking, and her lips stopped trembling. She was safe. He really wanted her. She was his.

Every day they would take walks along the cliff and admire the waves crashing into the shore below. They would talk about their life, their jobs and trivial things like dinner and television shows. He wanted two kids, a boy and a girl and she wasn’t sure if she wanted any at all. He worked as an attorney for a local law firm, and she worked as a clinical pharmacist for one of the major hospitals in the area. They both liked to eat healthily, with mostly meat and vegetables, and watch shows like true crime and comedies. Long walks along the cliff were something they did every evening when they both were home from work. It was their way of unwinding and just letting go of whatever stress they had carried home with them from their workday. They considered the cliff walk their special place, a place they would turn to when either has had a challenging day or faced with unpleasant news. This was a place they did not share with anyone else; it was special.

As the years went by, he began to change, a change he could not reverse or control. The medicine seemed to work sometimes but not always. He tried, he did therapy, he met with doctors, he took his medicine, he did it all. She didn’t know what to do. He was sad, he was mad, he wasn’t himself. He didn’t know what to do, he felt like someone else had taken over his body. He stopped laughing, he stopped telling jokes, he stopped pulling her closer, he stopped telling her she was his. Some days he wouldn’t get out of bed, and some days he wouldn’t go to bed. He would spend money, he would not eat, he would talk nonstop, he wouldn’t talk at all. She would find him on the bathroom floor crying and screaming, she would find him staring off for hours at a time, she would find him sleeping for days upon days.

She would help him off the bathroom floor, she would help him out of bed, she would help him get into the shower, she would help him get dressed. Then they would walk, they would walk along the cliff. The cool breeze would brush across their faces and they would feel complete. He would smile. He would grab her hand. Tell her he loved her and that he was sorry. Sorry for not being there for her and for not telling her how beautiful she is to him and how much he loves her. He would pull her close and he would tell her, I want you to be mine. All the old feelings of love and happiness raced back through her, and the breeze brushed over her face and her body and in that moment, she felt like she was back in that cart by the stars, she was back in that white dress, she was in love.

It’s been 3 months since he’s gone. She’s broken, she’s empty, she doesn’t know what to do without him. She’s been in bed the entire time, sleeping on his side of the bed in his pajamas. She squeezes his pillow and smells it, the scent of old spice is still there, it reminds her of him. It reminds her of every morning when he would reach down to her and caress her hair and pull her in for a kiss before leaving work. As she reached his lips, she could smell the newly applied old spice and she would take it all in. The tears began to roll down her face, she didn’t want to smell a pillow to find him, she wanted him here, she missed him, she loves him.

Her mom moved into the house and stayed in the guest room. She knew that her daughter wasn’t eating or getting out of bed. She would spend hours each day trying to get herself into the shower and to take off the pajamas. Some days she would, most she wouldn’t. Her mom tells her that she knows she’s hurting and has a gaping hole within her heart. She tells her that she must try to cope and move forward, that this wasn’t a healthy way to grieve. Her friends stop by, she doesn’t want to see them. She just wants to curl up into a ball, in their bed, in his clothes, and close her eyes and remember. Remember the night he pulled her close and told her he wanted her to be his, the day she walked down the aisle and he whispered he wanted her to be his, the times at the cliff walk when he would tell her he wanted her to be his. She is his.

She dreamt that he came to her, he came to her and told her that she couldn’t go on like this and that she needed to move on. For her, for him. He told her that if she ever needed to find him that she could go to the cliff walk and he would be there. He would be there waiting for her and ready to hold her hand. That he would pull her close and say he wanted her to be his, that he would ease her trembling hands and heart and that he would kiss her lips so softly and gently.

Then she woke, she jumped up, she showered, she got dressed. Her mom stopped her coming down the stairs and was in shock. She asked where she was going and what was going on. But she didn’t have time, she didn’t have the time to stop and answer all these questions, she had to go. And she ran. As fast as she could for as long as she had to. Until she reached the cliff walk. Then she slowed, she started to walk, she started to tremble and shake. She started to cry and scream; scream why did you leave me? She dropped to the ground and planted her face in her hands. Just then a gust of wind started to come towards her, the waves crashed below, she raised her head out of her hands and looked out into the sea. The wind slowed, a breeze hit her face and, in that moment, the cool uninviting reminder that left a hole deep inside now slowed her heartbeat, calmed her tremble, and grazed across her lips. The breeze hit her face and she began to smile, and then something amazing happened. The wind grazed by her head and whispered; I want you to be mine.