Cowboy Crispies Treasure Hunt Hotline

Click. 

“…don’t know what she’s going to do.”

“She’ll have to get remarried. Right? Will she move?”

“I don’t kn — hang on, Judy. I’m all tangled in this cord. I’m taking dinner over later. Don knew Charles, you know? From work. Horrible.”

“Could be one of us.”

“You hush. I can’t even — oh, no.”

“What’s wrong?” 

“I’m out of shortening. I’ll have to send Don to the store.”

“Be glad you can.”

“Stop it, Judy, really. Don! Don, honey, I need you to run to the store. Anyway, that’s not gonna happen. I’ve already made his appointment for Monday.”

“He’s going?”

“Well, he isn’t happy about it. But I’m not taking chances. I will not be the next Patsy Cooley.”

Rat tat.

Rat tat tat tat tat tat.

Rat tat tat tat.

“Barbara, what’s that sound?”

“Hang on a second. Phillip? Phillip, is that you again? I swear. He thinks he’s gonna win a million dollars off the back of that cereal box. Phillip Donald Decker, you get off this line right now. I’m sorry, Judy.”

“But Mom! I could be the next lucky winner.”

“I am on the phone! And you’re about to be the wrong kind of lucky. Now, hang up! My word. I tried telling him the odds are what, one in a million? He calls that 800 number five or six times a day. You’d think his finger would fall off working the dial. We’re still rotary, for heaven’s sake. Oh, now look, I’m a mess. I just dropped ash in my Tab.”

“It’s okay. My kids —”

Click.

Click.

“…And so, I said, ‘nuh uh.’ And she said, ‘yeah huh.’ So, I don’t even know. I mean, do you think?”

“I’m gonna go with, ‘yeah huh.’”

“Totally?”

“Totally!”

“Eeeeeek. I’m freaking out. What are the odds his seat is right behind mine? He’s so — sigh — what’s the word? CUTE!”

Rat tat.

Rat tat tat tat tat tat.

Rat tat tat tat.

“Oh, he’s a total hottie! Those eyes are —”

“Stop. Wait. Don’t say another word. Phillip! Are you on this line? You twerp! Mooooooommmm! Listen to me, little brother. If you don’t get off this line right now, I’m gonna tell my friend Sarah how you got scared watching Gremlins and wet the —”

Click.

Click.

Rat tat.

Rat tat tat tat tat tat.

Rat tat tat tat.

Rat tat tat tat tat tat tat tat tat tat tat.

“Howdy, partner! Thanks for calling the Cowboy Crispies Treasure Hunt Hotline, where you could win a new dirt bike, a cassette player with headphones, or one thousand dollars in cash! Just enter the secret code from the back of your box of delicious Cowboy Crispies! You may be our next lucky winner!”

Rat tat.

Rat tat tat tat tat tat.

Rat tat tat tat.

“I’m sorry. Your code didn’t work this time. But don’t give up. Remember, there’s one winner for every 22,000 of our specially marked boxes. So, keep calling, and keep eating tasty and nutritious Cowboy Crispies!”

Click.

Click.

“…to follow up on the results of your recent test.”

“Listen, it’s a really busy week. I don’t think I can make it.”

“Mr. Decker, the doctor said there were some reasons for concern. I think it would be best if —”

“Yeah, I understand. It’s just a bad week. Tell him —”

Click.

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“…I love you?”

“Uh huh. He said it just like that.”

“So romantic. How does it look on your finger?”

“I had to wrap thread around it, but it fits like it was made for me!”

“I’m so jealous! People never find, like, the one, you know? But you two are so perfect for —”

“What the — Brittany! Son of a — stupid cord — Brittany! Look what you’re doing to this cord! It’s all stretched out!”

“Sorry, Daddy. I was just talking to Sarah about homework. So, I closed the door.”

“And I just got clotheslined in a dark hallway. Now, get off the —”

Click.

Click.

“…know what’s gotten into him lately. He’s so irritable.”

“My William gets that way sometimes. Maybe he needs a break?”

“A break? From what? He barely does anything. If he’s not at work, he’s in the den drinking beer and watching football. It’s like he has no energy. He leaves half-done projects all over the place. I don’t know what his problem is.”

“What if you guys got away? For a couple of days, you know?”

“Away? That’s not a bad — wait. Brittany, honey, where are you going? Who? Well, when do we get to meet this boy? Okay, then. Well, be careful. — I swear, Judy. I can’t keep up with that girl.”

“There’s this new resort over in Cranton. A night or two. Aloooone. Who knows? You could get a few of those projects done.”

“Oh, Judy! You’re incorrigible. But you’re right. Our anniversary is coming up. We should celebrate. Honestly, what are the odds a couple makes it 25 years anymore? Patsy’s moving, by the way.”

“That poor woman. Watching him waste away like that.”

“Hey, do you still have my tupp —”

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“…imperative that you come in to discuss it.”

“I’m fine. I feel fine. I don’t have whatever you think I have.”

“The odds would suggest otherwise, I’m afraid.”

“Well, I like my odds. And I’m not about to lay around in some hospital bed like Charles Cooley for months while everyone tiptoes around me and whispers as if I’m already dead. I’ll work until I can’t, and I’ll live until I don’t. And that’s all there is to it.”

“I’m sure if I asked Mrs. Decker —”

“Which you most certainly will not. I mean it, Doctor. Don’t call here again.” 

Click.

Click.

“I want to die.”

“Brittany, don’t say that.”

“Did you see him? He was all over her.”

“He’s a jerk face. You don’t need him.”

“Don’t call him that. I DO! I do need him! I love him.”

“But there are so many guys out there. Good guys.”

“How can I even walk back in —”

Click.

Click.

“…to the ER. Can you come over and sit with the kids?”

“I’m on my way. Do I need to bring anything?”

“No, just — Don? Don! Judy, I have to go.”

Click.

Click.

Rat tat.

Rat tat tat tat tat tat.

Rat tat tat tat.

Rat tat tat tat tat tat tat tat tat tat tat.

“Howdy, partner! Thanks for calling the Cowboy Crispies Treasure Map Hotline. I’m sorry, it looks like time has run out to be one of our lucky winners. But don’t you worry. We’ll play another round of Cowboy Crispies Treasure Hunt soon, and the next winner could be you!

Until then, keep enjoying delicious and nutritious Cowboy Crispies cereal.

Goodbye, and good luck!”

Click.

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