Thank You Mr. Hollywood

We all knew the American dream was a lie, from the very beginning, before my ancestors came here from Europe. Even they were wiser than everyone who grew up here. Everyone who moved to America knew that life here isn't perfect, but it's a hell of a lot better than anywhere else on earth. People who move to California are the complete opposite, they got too hypnotized by Mr. Disney's massive corporation and all the pretty girls from Kansas to Montana, think they can be a princess because their daddies told them they could be. And all the east coast boys who go to the gym and were the drama star in high school think they'll be the next Brad Pitt. But everyone knows how quickly those dreams get shattered once they come to LA and there's 100,000 other potential stars, just like them or better, all with the same goals. And they realize they left their family, gave up college, threw away whatever possible steady job they could have had back home to be a personal trainer or waitress, waiting for the day they get their big break. But that big break never comes, the girls find themselves becoming sex workers to make a few extra bucks, and most of these dreamers become drug addicts and join the homeless on skid row. But all this is just common knowledge. My story, unfortunately for you sick readers, is not as tragic or extreme as these unlucky children. But it's possible it's more common, this is the reason I write. Maybe someone out there can relate. Maybe this is just me still being naïve.

Well, I must thank you Mr. Hollywood, you've done your job and a damn well done job if you'll allow me to put my two cents in. Though I cannot vouch for the world, I will admit that you got me. I am but a whore stunned in the headlights of a white Cadillac with tinted windows and fuzzy dice swinging from the interior mirror. Indoctrination is a simple way to put it, my naiveté was that cliché catalyst for a story of a child falling in love with something sinister, and not realizing the corruption taking place until they are already too gone and jaded to care. Even if they did care, it's too late in their head to do anything about it. My curiosity and low self esteem was a bad combination to go out into the world with. I could have easily fallen victim to toxic self help or scientology all the same, but no, it was my own self indulgence. It was romance, it was pain, it was pleasure, it was sex, it was gore, it was lies, it was real fantasy, it was not me. It was a life I wished I lived, but was glad I didn't. The gift of a story given to a kid with empathy and imagination is the perfect storm to living a life that never existed. Feeling the consequences, learning the lessons, living in a world of his own. I became every male figure I wished I could have acted like, I tried to steal his fictional personality. I was smitten by every woman he was, I fell in love with every father figure he had that I wished I had, I made every snarky or clever remark he made, and was proud with this sense of humor I stole. I went through all the experiences and feelings, especially the negative ones. Sadness and loneliness, but truly appreciated it, whereas looking at my own I would find no beauty, my self loathing couldn't be justified even less so glorified. It is so much easier to slap on a sticker someone else's problems to your portfolio, because you can just peel it off, but hiding your own issues doesn't make them go away.

But Mr. Hollywood I will accept the consequences of my mistakes, I knew it was all an escape. To indulge in the silver screen is sweet, nearly comparable to a junkie with his tourniquet, spoon and needle. They say a TV is a portal to an alternate dimension and worlds with lands and stories that pollute your brain with misinformation. They say that music and art makes you think you're in a different reality, it's a way out of the hardships of your real life. You can be a dreamer and keep these ideologies and see the world a different way than everyone else. This is the longest lasting message of your films Mr. Hollywood. Therefore I would like to once again sarcastically thank you for guiding me into this self destructive, self indigent, self loathing hole dug by my very own self absorbed personality. You've given me the shovel to dig myself deeper, and what you've taught me is I need a muse as a ladder to help me climb out. (I doubt acting like these characters will do any good in the process)

I would like to specifically give credit to David Duchovny for his portrayal of Hank Moody in the show Californication, as well as Will Arnett who did the voice for Bojack in the show Bojack Horseman. These 2 characters really brought out all the feelings of self loathing I had, in addition to the creative aspects and will to be an artist, writer, poet, actor, musician. Although I know now that you're allowed to dream but with 2 rules, I still experience all their fun and torture vicariously. Those 2 rules are don't dream too big, and have a backup plan in case those dreams don't come true, because they most probably won't.

My biggest fear in the publication of this, aside from it being my first real publishing that I care about, is that I will not have as much creativity for the future to write about. I have written many poems, but the amount has been on the decline. I have written many songs, but I have had writers block from music for over a year. Now that I have turned to writing, I can only hope to God that this is the first of many short stories or articles.