New Years Resolutions

My mother works for a circus. She's an aerial artist which means she flies on a trappies and dances in silks.

   She is afraid of nothing. I've never seen her afraid even once in my life. She is truly the bravest person that I know.

   I on the other hand, am scared of everything.

   You may think that I'm exaggerating, but I'm really not.

   I'm afraid of heights, the dark, snakes, spiders, spikey objects, even chickens.

Bucky made fun of me one time and told me I was a chicken for chickens.

Gotta say not my favorite nickname.

   My mom always tried to make me get out of my comfort zone.

   " Isa you'll always regret it if you don't try new things!! " she would say.

   In my heart I knew that she was right, but it was just so hard to do new things when there was so much to be afraid of.

   My earliest memory of being afraid was when I was five.

   My mother had taken me to a show in Orlando, where we were staying at the time. 

   I remember dancers and soft music. 

   It was beautiful and I remembered loving every single second of it. 

   That was until the fourth scene.

   A mouse, about the size of either me or my mom, prouably my mom, came on the stage and started to dance fight with the main character.

   I remember my legs got limp and I begged my mom to let us go home.

   " Honey, it's fine. Sit down please, " she had said.

   I realized I couldn't take it anymore, and I let out the most blood curdling scream of my life. 

   The scene quickly ended and the curtains closed, everyone in the audience turned to me and my mom.

   She grabbed me by the arm and we walked out of there as fast as we could. 

   Years later we learned my brain produced an unhealthy amount of glutamate, which is the gas in our brain that produces fear.

   My mother always made an effort to make me comfortable, wherever we were, but I always knew she was disappointed she didn't have a fun loving daughter like her.

   And she never missed an opportunity to point that out to strangers.

   We were in LA for a "gig" as my mom calls it, and I was oportrating the ticket booth.

   Mom came out to check on me.

   " Isn't my daughter just brilliant? I was hoping she'd be fearless like me! Only thing is, is she's afraid of a doorknob! "

   I had inched my way into my hoodie and asked my friends, Goober and John (the sons of the super strong man), to take over.

   After the show, I'd gone up to my mom and confronted her about what she did.

   She completely denied it and told me I should get some rest cause I must of been hallucinating!

   I was so mad at her after that.

   " Jump in Isa! Jump in! "

   It was New Years and the kids from the circus were trying to make me get in on their yearly tradition of jumping into the frozen river.

   I shook my head.

   " No way in a fresh hell!" I screamed.

   Goober and John shrugged, linked arms, and jumped in. Their clothes were soaked in a matter of seconds. 

   My best friend, Lilac, the daughter of the ringmaster, put a hand on my shoulder, " Its okay Isa! Maybe you can join us next year. "

   With that, she jumped into the river.

   I made my way back to the camp site. Maybe mom was right. Maybe I will regret it if I don't try new things. There was just no logic behind jumping into a frozen lake, in New York, in the middle of winter!

   Back at the campsite it was quiet, almost too quiet.

   I went back to mom and mine’s RV. As I got closer I heard laughter and clinking bottles.

   “ Mom? “ I asked, “ What’s going on? ”

   “ We're just having a little New Years party! ” she laughed.

   I left the RV and walked over to the camp fire the adults had set up.

   I sat on a chair and sighed. Another New Year, alone. I layed back, so I could look up at the sky. I guess what people said was right, you really don’t see many stars in the city.

   I sat up and frowned, feeling sorry for myself.

   “ You know, it’s not midnight yet and not all of us have jumped in the river. If you want, you could still join us, ” Lilac handed me a towel.

   I turned to look at her.

   “ Uhh, nah, I-I’m good. I better stay back and look after the animals, ” I gestured to two shipping containers, one with Elephants and colorful birds, the other with lions and cheetahs.

   Lilac sat down, “ You know you’re not a chicken right? ”

   I just stared at my feet.

   “ Look at me, you’re the bravest person I know. ”

   I laughed, “ Yeah right. ”

   “ Isa, you may not be like the rest of us. Sure you may not jump in rivers or do death defying stunts in the air, but you’re super brave. ”

   I pulled on the cuffs of my hoodie. As much as I wanted to believe her, I just couldn’t.

   “ Do you remember the first time we moved? ” I looked up at Lilac, she had my attention now.

   She smiled at my gaze, “ You know? The big one from Las Vegas to Chicago? ”

   I nodded.

   “ Do you remember how freaked out Goober and John, Bucky, Julip and I were? ”

   It was the first time they had moved. I remembered how they were really little. Goober and John were 2, Bucky was 3, Julip was 3, and Lilac was 5. I was 6 and thought so highly of myself. I was the oldest one in the group and looked at them like siblings, maybe even children.

   The night before the move all five of them had come into my RV while all the adults were sorting out the final payment of the train we’d bought.

   Everyone had been crying about how they thought they were gonna forget something and how they didn’t wanna leave.

   They all sat on my twin sized bed, which was very cramped, and snuggled up with me.

   I remember telling them about all the cool things we were going to see and all the new people we would meet. They still wouldn’t listen so I said this, “ If this weren’t safe why would I be going? Also, if you ever feel even the slightest bit scared, I will hug it all away. ”

   I remembered that memory so well.

   “ Well, I think you hugged too much scared out of us cause you ended up like this, ” Lilac said.

   I started to gnaw on my fingernails.

   “ Can you please be the brave Isa again? We all miss her. ”

   I shrieked when I bit down too hard on my finger, I could taste blood.

   “ Please? There's still two minutes. ”

   “ Okay I’ll do it. ”

   Lilac squealed with delight.

   “ Hurry! Get your bathing suit on, we’ll all jump in together! ”

   I sprinted to the RV to get changed. I grabbed a towel, my skin felt frozen when a cold breeze whooshed by.

   I almost turned around.

   Come on Isa, be brave.

   I ran down to the river where Goober, John, Bucky, Lilac and Julip were waiting for me.

   “ Ready to do this? ” Lilac asked.

  “ Hell no, ” I said.

   Before I could change my mind Lilac and Goober grabbed my hand and pulled me in. The freezing water washed over me, it was so cold.

   But at the same time it felt exhilarating.

   We got up out of the water and I started laughing. Not a laugh that was petite, but a full on belly laugh.

   “ Glad to have you back, Isa the brave, ” Lilac said, giving me a fist bump.

   I smiled at her, “ Glad to be back, " suddenly I had an idea, " Hey! Let's jump I'm again! Last one in is a chicken! "