59 comments

American Contemporary Drama

This wasn’t the sort of place one came to for fun, unless shooting up and dying a semi-slow death was one’s idea of a good time. Ellie peered at the addicts through the gloom of the abandoned hotel foyer, certain that every flight in this three-story ode to misery contained similar specimens.

She moved slowly, cautiously, pistol still in her holster, wending her way through tweaking zombies, trying to ignore the stench of unwashed bodies and fetid standing water. Ellie was not to be dissuaded from her task, however. She was here to catch a monster.

The racking of a shotgun stopped her in her tracks. Her arms automatically raised and she made no sudden movements. A cold, metallic fear gripped her.

Ellie wondered if she were about to die.

                                                          **************

I think I have him. Rather, I think he thinks he has me. Pain. He calls himself Pain. A cryptic note, addressed to me, told me where to find him.

Any other day and I might play,

A funeral march for Bonnie Brae.

Why try and run away?

Song lyrics, though I didn’t know that at first. Research and reflection. What was Pain trying to say? It took me a week to figure it out. Ok, maybe more than a week. So sue me.

Bonnie Brae Avenue, Los Angeles. Drugs were plentiful, as were the people who used them. Abandoned structures. Homeless people littering the sidewalks, not even conscious enough to beg for money. And the smells were overpowering.

I surveilled the Bonnie Brae area for two days, in disguise, and then I saw him. It had to be him. A hooded figure with a stride and a presence that no junkie had. He didn’t look around before entering, like all the addicts did.

The waiting is the hardest part. I know, more song lyrics. It’s true, though. I waited for an hour before I went in, still in disguise. Then I shuffled in like a junkie, moved like a junkie, blending in as I scouted out the place.

I heard a shotgun, and a voice. Both surprised the hell out of me.

                                                  **************

“Toss the pistol to the right. Thumb and forefinger only.”

Surprise registered on Ellie’s face, though no one saw it but a tweaking girl and a couple of rats. Neither took any note of it.

She did as instructed, still feeling like a shotgun blast was imminent. Her hands shook and her mouth was dry. Chaotic thoughts ran through her mind. Images of strawberry shakes and hamburgers ran through her mind. Long summers, buzzing bees, lemonade and sweat. A childhood that she missed terribly, every day.

“Badge and phone next. Lay them on the floor. Kick them toward the gun.”

Again, Ellie followed the commands, though the voice that commanded it was still messing with her mind. It just wouldn’t accept that the monster she had been hunting for the past three years was a woman.

“Turn around.”

Ellie turned. The woman with the shotgun shrugged off a blanket. Both gazed at each other, sizing each other up, and coming to their own conclusions. Both were essentially correct in what they saw.

“Are you…are you Pain?”

Ellie peered at the other’s face, looking for something that would tell her she might live through this.

“In a manner of speaking. You may call me Dolores.”

“Why Dolores?”

“Spanish. The plural of pain. I don’t think you’d like to be calling me Pain during our time together, so let’s go with Dolores.”

“I’m Ellie.”

“Eleos Golgola. Eleos, Greek for mercy. Golgola, a Greek surname that can mean many things. Stupid is one translation. You’re living up to that one.”

Ellie didn’t respond, not being so stupid as to argue with a woman who had a shotgun and an attitude. Dolores was pissed off, and the twin emotions of anger and fear did a number on her head.

Dolores took a zip tie from one of her many pockets in her soiled cargo pants and tossed it to Ellie.

“Around your legs, just above the knees. Toss me your handcuffs, and the key.”

Ellie saw a ray of hope. Having her bind herself was a mistake.

Dolores seemed supremely uninterested in how well Ellie had bound herself. This puzzled Ellie, and it scared her a little more. Either this girl was sloppy, or she was very good at this sort of thing. Ellie suspected the latter. Dolores had left a trail of bodies across several states, yet no one besides her suspected that it was the work of a single killer. Not the actions of an inattentive murderer.

Ellie watched as Dolores field stripped her pistol and removed the firing pin. Thirty seconds. It took Ellie over a minute to do the same thing. Dolores then reassembled the pistol and tossed it back to Ellie. Another surprise. Almost like she was taunting her.

“So you aren’t going to kill me?”

Dolores looked at Ellie and smiled. Ellie felt like the smile was difficult for Dolores to manage. She also imagined that a serial killer of Dolores’ brutality didn’t have much to smile about.

“No.”

“Then…what?”

Dolores lit a cigarette and sat down on a dirty mattress, crossing her legs under herself and leaning back against an equally dirty wall. She looked for all the world like a lost child of a lost generation.

“Let’s have a chat. Just us girls.”

                                                            **************

I had the use of my hands, but I couldn’t really move around much, despite the loose zip tie around my legs. It seemed that I was immobilized just enough.

And then the woman – called herself Dolores – tossed the shotgun at my feet. The bitch didn’t even have it loaded. Ballsy. Maybe a little stupid. Maybe she was playing mind games with me. Definitely playing mind games with me.

She looked very comfortable for someone who had just kidnaped a federal agent. More screwing with my mind. Like she did this sort of thing every day. I hate to admit it, but the girl had skills.

I’m extremely good at tracking down people and getting the drop on them, but she beat me at my own game. The badge helps, but it doesn’t take care of the dirty work. That’s all me, and I was bested by my prey this time. That stings a little.

Weird that she just wanted to talk to me. She didn’t threaten me, and she didn’t intimidate me. Not in the usual sense. No getting in my face or anything like that. Just a conversation. It wasn’t until it was too late that I figured out what she was doing.

It all started with a photograph. A photograph of her dad.

                                                           **************

“You know of me. I know you can’t see it yet, but you read about me when you were in your first Criminal Behavior class at the academy.”

Ellie strained to see Dolores. All she saw was the glow of the cigarette.

“Impossible. You’re too young to be in our textbooks.”

Dolores stood and approached Ellie. She reached into another pocket and pulled out a photograph, handing it to Ellie. Ellie took it, keeping her gaze fixed on Dolores. She had to figure this girl out, somehow.

The photograph was faded, bent, slightly torn in various spots, but the two faces in the center were unmistakable. The little girl was Dolores. The man’s face was that of Levi Dunston.

Levi Dunston, the Nun Killer.

Ellie gasped audibly. The sound echoed softly against the dirty walls, dying as quickly as her hopes of escaping her predicament. It all came rushing back to her. The daughter of the Nun Killer was the one who turned him in. She knew a thing or two about capturing a monster.

“You’re – “

“Yes. Dolores Dunston, but I changed my last name. Sagitta. Latin for ‘spear.’ Seems appropriate.”

The case was famous – or infamous, depending on your point of view – for its atrocities and for its resolution. Levi Dunston had successfully kidnaped and killed twenty-nine nuns during his ten-year reign of terror. His anonymity was his strength. A world-class photographer was an unlikely suspect, and his presence in all the places where a nun was abducted went unnoticed.

The daughter was forced to assist her father in the cleaning up and the burying of the bodies. She also had to watch as he tortured the unfortunate women, and she had to do it silently. In the end, she drugged her dad and tied him down with duct tape. When the authorities arrived, they found a twelve-year-old girl waiting for them, sipping iced tea and reading a book.

“So…so why did your dad do what he did to those nuns? He never revealed that.”

Dolores lit another cigarette, offering one to Ellie. She declined, but asked for water. Dolores gave her a bottle of water that was in another one of her capacious pockets.

“He wanted them to appreciate their impending death because they were about to meet God. It always angered him that they cried and begged and pleaded for their lives. It made him…cruel. The things he did still haunt me.”

Ellie nodded.

“We know the things he did, after we excavated the bodies. We had three medical examiners who needed therapy after seeing the bodies. These were hardened professionals who had seen what they thought was everything.”

“Mmm. Well, I saw it in person.”

“That explains a lot.”

“Yes. Daddy issues. Like so many of us.”

Ellie gazed at the girl in front of her. She was young. Twenty-seven by her calculations. Dark hair, but it could be a wig. Green eyes, but they could be colored contact lenses. Her baggy clothes didn’t reveal much about her body, but her movements suggested that she was athletic and strong.

“How did you get so good at tracking down these serial killers? You must have resources. Major ones.”

“As do you.”

“Sure, but – “

“Just like you, I do what I have to do.”

Ellie looked away from Dolores, feeling like the girl’s eyes were reading her secrets. The gloom deepened as the day wore on, and Ellie could see little beyond her immediate surroundings. Grease, dust, and dead cockroaches.

“I do my job. The badge demands it.”

“As do I.”

“You make it sound like we’re the same. We’re not.”

Dolores stood up and approached Ellie, and this disturbed Ellie more than she cared to admit. This girl, this kid who captured the man who had terrorized a nation, wasn’t playing by the rules.

“True. You have a badge. Like ketchup, it covers a multitude of…well…let’s call it sins.”

Ellie fidgeted. The girl was too close.

“I walked past you three times before you came in. I knew it was you. You dressed like a junkie, but you didn’t have a junkie odor. No smell of piss or shit or sweat.”

Ellie watched as Dolores wet herself, right in front of her. She couldn’t take her eyes away from the sight, though she dearly wanted to. Soon, the acrid scent of urine filled her nostrils.

“You have to be committed. That’s why you’re zip tied and I’m not.”

Ellie didn’t know what to say. She had never met anyone like this girl. The smell of her urine and the sight of her wet pants amped up her fear. The girl may not kill her, but she damn well could do anything she wanted with her.

Dolores sat back down, her point being made. The smell of urine nauseated Ellie, and the girl’s eyes bothered her.

A fitful silence followed, interrupted by coughs, moans, and the sound of junkies relieving themselves in the foyer. A couple more haunted souls wandered in and headed straight upstairs. No one seemed to care what was going on between Ellie and Dolores.

“So, this last guy you killed. That was messy.”

Dolores chuckled. This did nothing to make Ellie feel any better about her situation.

“Yes, well, a woodchipper is, by its very nature, messy. That is, when you feed a human being into it.”

“But only the bottom half. Why not all the way?”

“Figure it out. You’re a behavioral specialist. Impress me.”

“You sawed off the legs of the woodchipper so that it would be easier to get him in. You mulched him, so to speak, to his navel, so his legs were, in effect, cut off as well. That seemed important.”

Dolores shook her head.

“No. Not even close. I’ll give you some more hints. Did you notice that we had been at the kill site all day?”

“Yes. Well, sort of. There was a campfire, and someone had cooked some meat in a skillet. Was that you?”

“Yes.”

“Hmmm.”

“There was also a dead chicken. What do you make of that?”

Ellie shook her head.

“That puzzled me. Still does.”

She looked questioningly at Dolores.

“I fed the chicken in, feet first, to demonstrate the pain he was going to suffer. It takes two minutes to kill a chicken, if you go slowly enough. It broke its wings trying to escape the pain.”

Ellie shuddered. She couldn’t imagine someone doing that.

“I wanted him to see what he was in for. He had to contemplate it all day long. I told him, over and over, that this was going to happen to him at sundown.”

“That’s very cruel.”

“He was a cruel person. Tortured his victims before he killed them. An eye for an eye.”

“Dragging religion into it?”

“Just giving God a head start on the punishment phase. I like helping out the Big Guy when I can.”

Ellie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. This girl was more monstrous than she could ever imagine. What bothered her most was this girl used to be human. She probably played with dolls and watched cartoons and sang silly songs she had heard from children’s television programs.

The sun started creeping in through the windows, but weakly. The years of neglect had left an almost impenetrable film of dirt on them. Like everything else in the abandoned structure, despair took over.

“Microscope, telescope, mirror,” Dolores said, sitting herself back down on the mattress.

“What?”

“You law enforcement types. You’re good with forensics. The microscope. Then you move on to telescope. Looking at the big picture. Who is he? Where will he strike next? What sort of victim is he seeking? Again, very good at that.”

“And the mirror?”

Dolores didn’t speak for a few moments. The sound of dripping water made its way back into Ellie’s consciousness. It bothered her, the drips, because she couldn’t make them stop. No one cared enough to make them stop.

“That one should be obvious.”

‘It isn’t. Not at all.”

Dolores didn’t respond right away. Silence rippled through the heavy, malodorous air, causing Ellie to shift uncomfortably. Why this was so, she couldn’t say. Mirrors seemed so innocuous. Just something to show one’s reflection.

“What do you see when you look in a mirror?”

Dolores’ voice was soft, almost kind; the question felt more like a comforting statement than anything else to Ellie.

“I see…me. Just me.”

Dolores sighed before lighting another cigarette. The sun’s rays had made their way to where Dolores sat. Though weakly illuminated, Ellie could see Dolores’ face. Sad. Careworn. Weary.

“You should be seeing me.”

Ellie didn’t understand. Like everything else about this encounter, Ellie felt like she was two steps behind a mere girl.

“Well, I don’t. I see my face. That’s it.”

“What do you think I see when I look in a mirror?”

Ellie was surprised by the question. It seemed absurd.

“You, I suppose.”

“I see you.”

Ellie blinked in frustration. This wasn’t going anywhere.

“Yeah, ok. Why?”

Dolores leaned forward and gazed at Ellie. Her eyes were hard and blue. Ellie felt like the girl might bore a hole through her head if she continued to stare at her.

“Horace Minor.”

                                                      **************

I felt my whole world crashing around me when she said his name. How she knew is beyond me. Maybe she was just guessing, but I didn’t think so. She confirmed my worst fears when she provided details about what I did.

The man had to die. He crept into women’s homes and blitzed them. Rape and strangulation followed. The evidence was all circumstantial, but it was compelling, so compelling that I felt like I had to do something so no other woman would meet such a horrible fate.

So I did. I dressed up in a short skirt and revealing top, knocked on his door, and got myself invited in. Shot him in the back three times and left. What I didn’t know was that Dolores had also been hunting him, and that she witnessed the whole thing.

Now I understand everything. Why Dolores left me that note. Why she didn’t take great pains to bind me. Why she was, for lack of a better word, kind to me. She never intended to kill me; she simply wanted to let me know that she knew what I had done. But it was a little more than that.

I can’t pursue Dolores any longer. She made sure of that.

The girl, before she took off, left me with a message, one that didn’t make sense until today. Too clever, that one.

                           The animal gets what the animal needs.

It’s funny, you know. The humanity inside monsters. Makes us more dangerous. We find reasons to kill, we justify our actions, we rationalize. We think God is on our side, and we can even find Bible passages to back us up. We sleep peacefully at night because we’re human.

My life won’t change because of this little episode with Dolores. Well, one thing will change, starting tomorrow.

Yard sale. All mirrors, free.


September 14, 2023 10:48

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59 comments

15:05 Sep 16, 2023

Tons of twists and turns with this one. I thought I knew where you were going with the whole "you and I are not so different thing", but the way you drip fed information and relied on subtext made the trope engaging. The pros are excellent and show the mark of someone that's been doing this for a bit. I entered into this prompt to and noticed we actually are telling a similar story, the difference being setting and genre (I wrote a western/horror fantasy). I worked my butt off on mine for the contest, but honestly when I read the line of dia...

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Delbert Griffith
18:02 Sep 16, 2023

Wow, all I can say is thank you so very much for your praise and your terrific comments on my tale, which, it seems, has some similarities to your tale. I will indeed read your story, Carlton. Like you, I put in the time an effort in my tale. It had a lot of moving parts, as you noted, and I'm pleased that you think it's a good tale. I did put a lot of thought into the prose, and also the dialogue. That was time consuming, for sure. I will be happy and honored to read and comment on your story, my friend. I feel confident that it will be a...

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Kevin Logue
12:30 Sep 16, 2023

What an excellent, dark, action, crime story. You go some sort of murderous past that's leaking into your reality Delbert ha. Dolores strikes again! This character is great, if not terrifying, but hey sometimes that's good, I for one think Batman is boring whilst the Joker is fantastic. I will be very surprised if this isn't at least shortlisted this week. (You hear that Laura? Unfortunately she never listens to me.)

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Delbert Griffith
13:44 Sep 16, 2023

Wow, thanks so much for the kind words - and the plug for a shortlist. If a writer of your caliber thinks it's that good, then I'm well pleased with the way it turned out. Praise from good writers like you is worth more than a shortlist. Truth. All those nights watching "Criminal Minds" is responsible for Dolores, I think. LOL Seriously, I wanted a dark, brutal monster for this tale, but one that shows a bit of humanity. Trying to hit the prompt somewhat, you see. And I agree with you that The Joker is a fantastic character, much more appea...

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Hazel Ide
11:20 Sep 16, 2023

Really great, Delbert! The chicken scene was uncomfortable as I’m sure it was intended. And I like the twist at the end.

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Delbert Griffith
11:57 Sep 16, 2023

Thanks so much, Hazel. I say we let our serial killers get busy. Let the bodies hit the floor! LOL Yeah, it was very difficult to write about the chicken. I felt it was something that added to Dolores' cruelty, and many serial killers actually start out by killing animals, so there was some veracity to the event. Thanks again, for the kind words, my friend. I look forward to more of your writings on Reedsy. Cheers!

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06:24 Sep 16, 2023

Great crime fiction writing. You’re ready for the novel! You keep the tension and mystery of what Dolores plan is exciting throughout the story. A lot of gory details keeps the suspense high too. Well done.

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Delbert Griffith
08:24 Sep 16, 2023

Thanks so much, Scott. I appreciate the kind words - and the encouragement to get that damn novel written! LOL The gory details are difficult to write, but necessary, IMO. She has to seem not only real but raw and gritty, a very unromantic type of serial killer. She isn't Dexter, so to speak. But she has her moments of softness - eventually. Again, thank you, my friend. I always appreciate what you have to say about my twisted little tales. Cheers!

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Mary Bendickson
05:34 Sep 16, 2023

Win worthy.

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Delbert Griffith
08:21 Sep 16, 2023

Well, thank you, Mary! I appreciate that. Cheers!

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Marty B
01:46 Sep 16, 2023

Very dark and creepy. These characters seem familiar, have the appeared before? I really like the conceit of Dolores, and as other have mentioned I could see this as a novel- or series. A woman Jack Reacher?. or Brad Thor? Great dialogue as well. Thanks!

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Delbert Griffith
08:21 Sep 16, 2023

Thanks so much, Marty. I never thought of a female Jack Reacher, but that totally fits. What a clever idea! Dolores is indeed conceited, and eventually this would catch up with her. She would have to "grow" as a serial killer or get caught. Ellie would be a part of this as well, suffering her own growing pains and coming to terms with who she is. Dolores has been in a couple of my tales before; I'm trying to develop her more fully, testing out new ideas. Nice catch there, my friend. Again, thank you for the kind words, Marty. Always apprec...

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Lily Finch
19:33 Sep 15, 2023

Excellent storytelling. It just kept getting better as you unravelled more of this tale. I've read some of your female serial killer stories before. This one is just so damn good. Drawing the line at her cruelty towards the chicken; horrifying to demonstrate her desirous evil. Added to the dark side of this tale. The inner dialogue was exceptionally well done. LF6

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Delbert Griffith
20:04 Sep 15, 2023

Wow, thanks so much, Lily for the kind words, and for commenting on my twisted little tale of two serial killers getting to know each other. Yeah, the chicken thing was difficult to write. I abhor cruelty to animals, but I decided to leave it in to demonstrate how absolutely heartless she is. Also, cruelty to animals is a hallmark of many serial killers. I went back and forth on the peeing-in-the-pants part. I went with it in the end; it showed a side of her that was both icky and admirable. I'm so pleased that you thought this tale was ...

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Lily Finch
20:28 Sep 15, 2023

It's true. We mentor someone we can understand best. LF6🤣😵

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Rebecca Miles
16:11 Sep 15, 2023

Dolores Dunston has got the makings of being one hugely memorable bad-ass character. Wow did I enjoy her backstory from the morives to her changing name. You do stand offs and suspense so well, almost as well as your wry twists at the end. I did enjoy the ending: Yard sale. All mirrors, free. Ha! Yep, that's a good ending right there. Crime is not my genre at all but you do it so well Del that this had me hooked. I read in the comments that you are writing a book with these characters; I'd say with Dolores in there, it should be a corker o...

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Delbert Griffith
16:19 Sep 15, 2023

Thanks so much for the kind words and for reading my twisted little tale of serial killers having a conversation. A different kind of girl talk, yes? LOL I'm so pleased that you liked the ending. I considered other ending lines, but this one felt right. And if you liked it, I made the right choice. Yes, she's the MC of my novel - and I need to work on it more. What's new, I say to myself. The opening line: Rule #7: leave the dead bodies behind and move on. Thanks again, my friend. Your comments and insights are always worth reflecting u...

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AnneMarie Miles
13:18 Sep 15, 2023

Woo-eee! That was incredible, Delbert. I see I am not the only one who get a little heinous this week. This just got better and better as I read on. What a great approach to this prompt to put a detective and killer in the same room, but have the killer be the one with the upper hand. And the way you rolled it out - especially with the internal excerpts - built up the suspense and curiosity nicely. Yes, this was a slow reveal to it all, and it was quite delectable. I particularly liked the use of dialogue to develop the picture of Dolores ...

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Delbert Griffith
14:44 Sep 15, 2023

Thanks so much, AnneMarie for your kind, kind words, and for your terrific insights into my twisted little tale. True, not the lovey-dovey tale as I did last week, but a love story nonetheless. Just a very weird one. LOL You really understood where I was coming from in this tale. I wanted to say soooo much more about where brutality ends and justice begins, but the 3k word limit stopped me. Truthfully, I could have easily written 6k words for this tale. The moralities of the two characters are rich fodder for exploration. I'm a "Criminal Mi...

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AnneMarie Miles
14:56 Sep 15, 2023

I'd vote it for a shortlist if I could! I honestly never know what stories will do well, mine or others. I'd say this is a winner 🏆 But you are right.. the community is much more valuable and often more rewarding than a ⭐ Happy reading and happy writing friend! And yes, please extend this. You just might have a novel waiting to be written on your hands...

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Chris Campbell
07:12 Sep 15, 2023

Delbert, You might have a tv series with this one. A female serial killer hunter. Yeah, I can see that. Your story read very well. Almost like a Philip Marlow episode. Engaging and posing enough questions to keep the reader interested. As an animal lover, I was upset at the chicken story, and wanted Dolores to die right there. Her cruelty to humans, I can forgive, but to animals? I might just hunt her down myself. As usual, you stirred emotions and gave me food for thought. Well done for boiling my blood, mate!

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Delbert Griffith
09:33 Sep 15, 2023

Thanks so much for reading and commenting on my little tale, Chris. I always appreciate what you have to say. Yeah, the chicken part bothered me too, for I don't believe in cruelty to animals - at all. It was put in there to show how absolutely remorseless and cruel Dolores can be. Also, one trait that many serial killers exhibit is that they are cruel to animals, and start killing them at an early age. It's odd that you mention that this could be a television series. It's actually part of my novel - for which I only have about 15,000 word...

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Chris Campbell
15:37 Sep 15, 2023

I understand that you needed to show what your character was like, so that wasn't an issue. I'm eternally scarred by watching "Bambi" when I was young. Still can't watch it, now. The novel sounds good. Looking forward to hearing more, mate.

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Suma Jayachandar
06:55 Sep 15, 2023

Delbert, You do know your fire arms and criminal psychology pretty well :) This piece was very dark and layered; a perfect fit for the theme and the prompt. The inner monologue bits fed the curiosity of the reader just right and added depth to the next part. Very clever. Like ketchup, it covers a multitude of…well…let’s call it sins.- I liked it. Thanks for sharing!

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Delbert Griffith
09:24 Sep 15, 2023

Thanks so much for reading and commenting on my twisted little tale of serial killers and their thoughts, Suma. Dolores and Ellie are the same - sort of. Both had different motivations for the "meeting," and both got what they wanted. They are both monsters, of course, but their humanity screams to be heard, even when they deny that part of themselves. Like the animal kingdom, it's nice to settle down with the pack after a long day of hunting and killing. The animal gets what the animal needs. Thanks again, my friend, for your comments and...

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Susan Catucci
19:50 Sep 14, 2023

Your pen's on fire, Del! I'm thrilled when I give your submissions a read at the end of the process and appreciate how really good they are. This one is interesting because, from the beginning, the reader is made to explore the deplorable and, as you read on, the definitions become pretty murky - what is deplorable v what is admirable; does the intent alter the crime? Good luck with that but it seems there's always an argument to be made. Creating fascinating well-drawn characters has become a trademark for your tales, Del, a parade ...

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Delbert Griffith
09:04 Sep 15, 2023

Thanks so much, Susan. Your comments and insights are taken seriously by me, and I always contemplate what you say. Yeah, this one was a little dark, a little tense. I wanted to explore the interplay between two monsters and see what they had to say for themselves. No deep message here, just good clean fun with serial killers. LOL Again, thank you, my friend. I always look forward to a Susan Catucci review. Cheers!

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18:24 Sep 14, 2023

Captivating! Very gritty and noir. Two sides of the same coin I wonder if their paths will cross again. Seems like an inevitabi, like Holmes and Moriarty. Great story again Del!

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Delbert Griffith
19:00 Sep 14, 2023

Thanks so much, Derrick, for the kind words, and for reading my twisted little tale of a couple serial killers. Maybe they're destined to become BFFs. LOL Cheers!

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Amanda Lieser
04:36 Oct 06, 2023

Hi Delbert! Oh, you know I’m a sucker for when we incorporate the title of the piece into the story its self and you did it so brilliantly for this one! I didn’t have any background on the phrase, so it was exciting to see where it was going to go. I loved these characters and I thought that your moments of italicized thought were also incredibly well placed. You manage to pack a huge history for these two into a 3000 word or less piece which is an incredible accomplishment. Nice work!!

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Delbert Griffith
07:14 Oct 06, 2023

Thanks so much, Amanda, for your heartwarming words of praise. You've made my day! These two are destined for my novel. Dolores is the main character, and the agent will still be an agent but take on a different relationship with Dolores. I used this tale to work out some of the details of their relationship. I see them as being on opposite sides of the law, but they'll have the same sense of justice. An uneasy truce will develop between them, and they will often find themselves at odds with each other. Ultimately, their personal definition...

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Ken Cartisano
23:34 Sep 22, 2023

Wow. Great writing. Powerful story.

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Delbert Griffith
23:54 Sep 22, 2023

Thanks so much, Ken. I appreciate the kind words. Cheers!

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Anthony Carello
14:53 Sep 22, 2023

Great story! However, I was a little confused on the second scene. Was there a third character in the story. Maybe I misunderstood but the last line in the scene "I heard a shotgun, and a voice. Both surprised the hell out of me." made me think there was another person beside, Dolores and Ellie. That aside, the rest of it was very good. Especially the part where Dolores pisses her pants HAHA. It seems she is broken behind repair. I often wonder when it comes to those types of people—do they still have emotions? Or do they view the world in ...

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Delbert Griffith
15:29 Sep 22, 2023

Thank you very much, Anthony, for the kind words and for the observation. It's too late to change it for the competition, but I'll be going back to revise the original. The psyche of a serial killer is a fascinating topic, yes? I think they are broken beyond all repair, and one has to wonder how they got to that point. I think it's all black and white with them. Everything is seen through their particular obsession, and nothing else matters. Maybe I watch too much "Criminal Minds." LOL Again, thank you for reading and commenting, my friend...

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Helen A Smith
07:13 Sep 21, 2023

This was an excellent story Delbert. Had A Silence of the Lambs feel to it. Great characters, a twisting plot and keen observations about human beings and their motivations. A gripping read. Held my attention throughout.

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Delbert Griffith
09:31 Sep 21, 2023

Wow, thanks so much, Helen, for your kind words, and for reading my twisted little tale of the nature of evil. Well, Silence of the Lambs is an inspiration for many of my tales, though I try not to rip off the book shamelessly. I think the character in Lambs are rich and complex, so I strive to do the same. I'm pleased you liked it, my friend. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Cheers!

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Helen A Smith
10:12 Sep 21, 2023

I think those kind of stories are forerunners and have a huge influence. The film also happens to be excellent which doesn’t always happen in comparison to the book. (a bit like the Bladerunner film, although a completely different genre - is still taken from a Philip K Dick story, if memory serves me correctly ) Both are two of my favourite films. Your story is great with two strong female characters. I don’t think you rip off the book. The story stands out on its own.

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Delbert Griffith
10:22 Sep 21, 2023

Again, thanks you very much, Helen. I loved, loved, loved both of those films as well. Phillip K. Dick is such an underrated writer, IMO. His tales were amazing! And I agree that the movies lived up to the books, and that's usually not the case, as you observed. I suppose these books and authors influence me because of their characters. You may or may not like them, but they're memorable. Jane Austen, The Bronte sisters, Dickens, Agatha Christie - they all have tales with amazing characters, characters that drive the story and not the other...

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Kay Reed
22:39 Sep 20, 2023

Hi Delbert- great story here! The pacing was top-notch and the characters compelling. You have a gift for keeping suspense high and your reader captive! My favorite twist to this story was the sheer act of camaraderie between your two main characters by the end, when a more gruesome end is anticipated throughout. I loved this exploration into the horror genre- that not all horror lies in the physical plain. Great work!

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Delbert Griffith
22:52 Sep 20, 2023

Thanks so much, Kay. I appreciate the kind words, and you taking the time to read and comment. The camaraderie at the end was crucial, I think. Both women have different motivations, it seems, but the detente at the end shows how alike they really are. Again, thank you for your comments. Truly. Cheers!

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Nina H
19:22 Sep 20, 2023

Writing so good I almost had to stop mid-chicken grinder. 😬 you develop these “ladies” so well, and had me at the edge of my seat. One of my favorite lines was: “Ellie fidgeted. The girl was too close“ Too close in too many ways! Great job on this one, my friend!! I’m awarding you Golden Chicken for this week’s tale. Congratulations, and enjoy the appetizers at the awards ceremony. (At your house. Made by you. Served with your beverage of choice.) 😄

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Delbert Griffith
19:53 Sep 20, 2023

Well, thank you very much for the kind words - and the award. Oddly enough, my local grocery store labels my chicken as "salmon," and they appear to never have had wings. Texas, right? LOL The chicken part was tough to write, but I wanted Dolores' brutality to come through. Also, many serial killers start by killing animals, so there's that. My beverage of choice will be one of the adult variety. It IS an awards ceremony, after all. I will attire myself in my finest cargo shorts and beach tee shirt, replete with stains from meals past. Fli...

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Sarah Thompson
03:40 Sep 20, 2023

Griffith! It's Thompson. I was thinking of you the other day and am glad you're writing to your hearts content. I don't know how to regular message you, but I figured I'd let you know that I'm glad you're doing well. Hugs!

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Delbert Griffith
08:53 Sep 20, 2023

Sarah! It's so good to hear from you! How in the world did you stumble upon me? Well, well, it's a small world after all, yes? Are you a writer as well? You have the writer's sensibilities, my friend. And, yes, I'm writing lots and lots of short stories on this site, trying to improve my skills. Gotta get better before I put out some longer works. ANYWAY - you can always email me at: Mathgod31439@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you again, you science queen! Hope all is going well, Sarah. Cheers!

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RBE | Illustration — We made a writing app for you | 2023-02

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