Fodder

“911, what's your emergency?”

“Help! My crazy neighbor is trying to get in to kill his cat!”

“Ma’am.  Please slow down.  You say your neighbor is trying to break in?  Where are you now?”

“In my house.  He’s pounding on the door.  You can’t have him, Frank!  He’s mine now!”

“Ma’am.  Why won’t you give him his cat?”

“Because.  He's been chasing the poor guy around with a knife for an hour in nothing but boxers. Frank, not the cat. When he ran up to my door, I let him in.  The cat, not Frank. And he's not getting him back.”

“Ma’am.  Did you say he has a knife?”

“Maybe more like a machete.  Stop knocking, Frank!  I’m on the phone with the police.”

“Let me confirm your address.  Is it 907 Whitehead Street?”

“Yes.  I’ve only just moved in, but this neighbor should be committed!”

“Can you stay away from the door?  Get into a back room?”

“I can.  Hang on.  It’s really hard to carry a cat and the phone at the same time.”

“I have officers enroute.  Stay on the line with me until they get there.  Is your door strong?”

“Oh yeah.  I bought this puppy after the first season of The Walking Dead.  Second season, I got the windows replaced.  They are grade A zombie proof.  He’s not getting in…I can keep the cat, right?”

“I think the officers will care more about him threatening you.  They should be pulling up right now.”

“Oh my god.  Can you hear that?”

“Please stay away from the door until the officers give you the all clear.”

“I think I hear gunshots.  You know what that means?”

“The officers have engaged with the suspect.  Please don’t leave your room until they give you the all clear.”

“Stay here, kitty.  Oh no.”

“Ma’am?  Are you still there?”

“Yes.  I peeked out.  There’s a few holes in my door…and I for sure get to keep the cat.”

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“911, what’s your emergency?”

“You have to send the national guard, the army, something!”

“Sir, please slow down.  What is your emergency?”

“There is a monster on the hill!  It’s bigger than the trees.”

“Sir?  Making a false call to 911 is illegal.”

“I am looking out the window.  I am seeing a giant alien monster on the hill.  I was reading this book that was sort of spooky…but it didn’t have any monsters in it.  Not like this.”

“Sir.  Let me verify your location.  Is it 2400 London Ranch Road?”

“Yes.  It’s my cousin’s place.  I came out here to stay during the lockdown.”

“Sir, what is your name?”

“It’s Jack.”

“Jack.  The quarantine was lifted months ago.”

“I know.  But it’s still not safe.  I was right.  Now there are monsters out there!”

“Jack, is your cousin there with you?”

“He’s in the other room.  Bill!  Get in here!   He’s coming.”

“Does he see the monster also?”

“Bill!  Come look at this monster and tell this jerk it’s real!”

“Is he looking out the window with you?”

“Oh my God.  I’m an idiot.”

“Sir?”

“It’s a bug in the window.  Some kind of moth.  But I swear!  I was seeing it bigger…please don’t have me arrested.”

“Sir.  I believe you made an honest mistake.”

“The quarantine is getting to me.  I am so sorry!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Hello?  This is Bill…I’m his cousin.  He’s a mess…I’m really sorry.”

“I can give you information for mental health services; it sounds like your cousin is very stressed out.”

“No..I mean, yes…no.  I have a therapist he’s been talking to. I will call right now.”

“Please do.  I am going to give you some numbers and information for our county health services you can use in case your therapist is unavailable.  Do you have a pen?”

************************************

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Hello?  I need help.”

"Sir?  Can you please speak louder?  I can barely hear you.”

“I’m afraid he might hear me.  He doesn’t know I have a phone…I told him it was dead and he didn’t check.  You have to find me.  It’s so dark.”

“Sir, where are you?”

“I don’t know!  We were at a party at the Biltmore and he said he had something to show me and I followed him down this tunnel and that is when I told him my phone is dead because I was worried he was going to want to use it and see my screensaver and…oh my God…he knocked me out and I woke up as he was singing and putting in the last brick.  I am behind a wall.  What if he’s still out there.  What if he can hear me?”

“Okay, sir.  Stay calm.  What is your name?”

“Luciano.”

“Luciano.  That means “lucky”, right?”

“Yesss.”

“Well, so far you are lucky.  You have your phone.  Do you have full battery?”

“Yes.”

“See!  Can you use your phone for a flashlight and see where you are?”

“Yes.  No!  I mean…I am chained to a wall…and he bricked me up in this hoooooole!  What…am…I going…to…do???”

“Calm down.  Do you see anyone else there with you?”

“No…oh God, I think there’s a rat.”

“It’s okay.  He won’t bother you.  You need to stay calm.  Where were you before you went down the tunnel?”

“At the Biltmore.  He said that he had found a tunnel and thought a piece of graffiti in it might be early Banksy, and I am a complete idiot.  I…”

“Who took you down there?”

“John.  His name is John.  I am friends with his…oh no.  What if he is listening?”

“Luciano.  The officers will be on the lookout as they come down.  I pulled the maps of the tunnels in that area and there is only one tunnel that has access to the the Biltmore.  They are already on their way down.”

“I can’t breathe.  It’s so stuffy.  It’s hard to get air.”

“Stay calm.  There is plenty of air in there.  You are starting to hyperventilate.  Just focus on your breathing. Officers are already coming down to look for you.’

“Oh my God.  If I hadn’t lied about my phone.  I would be dying down here in the dark! How are they going to find me?  He walled meeeeeeee up.”

“Luciano.  Just breathe.  The officers will be looking for fresh brick and mortar.  Can you make some noise?  They are down in the tunnel.”

“How do they know where to look?  Hooooow?”

“”Again, there’s only one tunnel with access from the Biltmore.  They know where to look.  Can you make some noise?”

“HELP!!!”

“That’s great, Luciano.  They can hear you.  Can you see them?”

“Yes!  The bricks are coming out.  I see them.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“You are going to be fine.  Seems you are living up to your name.”

“Ha.  Thank you! Thank you!”

**************************************

“Oh my.  Honey, come in.  Sit down.  You look exhausted.  I made your favorite lasagna, and for dessert we have shoo-fly pie.”

“Oh Lord.  What a day.  This looks fantastic.”

“Now you eat up, Ed.  Just relax.”

“Mpfff.  Sissy, sweetheart, do I have some stories to tell you.”

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