Happy New Year's... I guess

The last thing I remember is her crying on our bed telling me that I'm not doing enough emotionally. She doesn't want to be physical with me because I am not doing enough for her. I go to work, I come home, I go to my second job, I help with the kids and dinner when I can, what else am I supposed to do? I try to console her, but she shrugs away from me. I shiver at the thought of the woman I love and have loved since high school would or could feel this way about me. I am at loss for words and am unsure of how I can fix this. I know this isn’t the first time she is telling me this over the last few months, but I thought I was getting better, she seemed happy again. Although here we are just days before Christmas, and she seems unhappy, again. I keep trying to figure out what it is she wants or needs, and I get nowhere. All she keeps saying is I should know; we have been together long enough that she shouldn’t have to tell me. Sometimes I just feel she is doing this for more attention. As if I don’t give her that. I spend every second I am not working with her and the kids. I never have time to myself and here I am trying to find a way to make HER happy? I think we both need time. I try to hug her one last time and she pulls away. I grab her chin and say I am not going to bother you any more I think we both need time and after Christmas is over, we should separate. She looks at me as if I just punched her in the stomach. What? She speaks. And I repeat as if I stuttered the first time. She has a look of disgust on her face now. So now I am the bad guy again, I cannot take this anymore she is going to have to figure this out on her own. I lie down in bed in hopes she will too and maybe, just maybe, we can put this to rest and wake up different.

The next morning, I wake, and she is gone without a sound. I never even heard her get up and dressed in the morning for work. Which makes me think that maybe she didn’t even spend the night in our bed. I always fall asleep so fast when I lay down, maybe she went to the couch. I check and no one is there not even a sign that she laid there. Her car is not outside, and I look at the time and know she has already gone to work. I get the kids up and ready for school so my mom can drop them off and then I am out the door for my day to start. I am miserable but I don’t have any time left to take off so in I go. I contemplate texting her on my way knowing that she is on her first break already but decide against it. She may need some time and I think maybe I do to. Continuously throughout the day I replay again and again in my head the things she said to me. As I am going through it, I realize that she isn’t just telling me these things, but I think she means to end our relationship. I feel there may be another person involved. As anyone would I hope there isn’t, this wouldn’t be the first time she has done this. I forgave her in high school when we were dating. Although if you ask her, we were on a break the three times things happened between her and another man.

I don’t know what else to think but these are the same signs as before and I cannot believe I haven’t seen it before now. I intend on confronting her about it later, but I need to find the right time, so she doesn’t feel I am accusing her without some sort of proof. That will really set her off. I go about my day the best I can realizing that if I don’t text her first, I won’t be getting a text at all. So, I text her “Hey”. One or two hours go by and nothing. I text again “Hey, we really need to talk when we get home” and again nothing. I finally see the time is 3:30 p.m. and know she is home now, and the kids have been dropped off. As a last-ditch effort, I text again knowing that I am probably getting on her last nerve but at least if she is mad, she may just text me back. And I finally see the text bubble appear. “I see your texts, I know we need to talk, but some of us just got done work, need to help kids with homework and get dinner started. You have a job tonight and I need to make sure that I have food ready before otherwise you will not eat until it is too late. Plus, I have a million other things on my mind right now and my job kinda sucks lately and to be honest I don’t feel like talking to you right now.”

I leave it alone. I will be home in less than an hour and maybe we can talk then. I also investigate canceling my job that night and moving it until after the holidays even though I know we need the money now. I get home and there is dinner on the stove, the kids are watching tv and she is no where to be found. I ask my son where mom is, and he shrugs. Its unlike her to leave them home by themselves so she must be somewhere in the house, and I know that I seen her car. I run up to our room worried that maybe I have set her over the edge and hope that there is no harm done. When I swing the door open, she looks at me and makes a “WHAT” face. I shake my head in response because I don’t want to set her off and proceed to get changed. I realize then that no matter what I say she has already made up her mind and that we are done. So, I just say it, “Is there someone else?” she looks appalled that I would think that but then says, “No not really!” I don’t know how to answer that, so I just sit on the bed and start to sob. “What do you mean not really?” I ask because I don’t know what else there is to be said. She just shrugs her shoulders and says, “There isn’t currently, but there could be if I wanted…”. “Okay”. The only response I have. What else could I do she was establishing boundaries and clearly, she had none. She was going to play with our marriage, my feelings, and did not care how our kids would feel with all of this. I was defeated.

I quickly told her that dinner looked amazing but that I needed to get to the job I had before 6 pm so I was just going to head out and if there were leftovers when I got home, I would eat then. Knowing that I was not going to eat anything, but no one would be awake when I got home so it didn’t matter. I have never felt so overwhelmed or sad or lonely in my life. I had no idea what I was going to do next to try to save my marriage or if I even could. That is when I decided I was going to ride it out. What was meant to be would be and what wasn’t will pass. I pulled back on those days leading up to Christmas. I associated with her when needed and the rest of the time I focused on myself and the kids. I know she could feel that. Since she loves the attention on her always whether it is positive or negative or whether we were talking or not. I knew she felt it because she started to show me more attention as if this wasn’t happening, that our lives were not just falling apart, and she wasn’t trying to leave me. So, I continued, Fuck that, why should I feel bad, nope now I am past that. She needs to make up her mind and tell me what she wants. If she wants to leave than go but we are done and if she wants to stay, then fine and we will forget all about this occurring.

Christmas comes and goes, and all seems like it is starting to go back to normal and I know that both of us need to reevaluate our situation and ourselves and make changes, but I love this. I love her and don’t want our family to end. So, I am willing to do whatever it takes and that’s when she hits me with, I think I am going to stay at my moms for a few days. Once again, I find myself sobbing on our bed and her looking at me like I am insane. I know she hates when men cry, she finds it weak, but I don’t care what she thinks. Everyone has feelings and the right to show them. I don’t fault her for that she was raised with that notion that men don’t cry. Her parents sucked and still do, and I cannot believe that she is running to them knowing full well they will treat her like shit and turn this around on her, I am sure of it. But alas I let her pack her things and go. She lies to the kids telling them that nana needs her help for a few days with her back, they say okay and give hugs and kisses. It overwhelms me knowing that during those days they are going to ask nonstop where she is since she primarily takes care of them. I also know that I am going to have to figure out schedules on my own and it will be hard, and I will get some things wrong, but I have my mom and she can help.

She hated that, she hated that I always ran to my mom when I needed something. I never ran to her first, I never told her how I was feeling I would always consult my mom before her as if to practice how to talk to her. She probably thought I was afraid of her or showing her the real me. Although I am not sure how much more of me, I could give her. But maybe that is what she wanted this whole time was for me to give myself to her fully. Who knows at this point! She leaves and we are all alone. I watch a movie with the kids and then I get them washed and in bed. I get in a hot shower and cry some more. When I get out, I text her a simple “Miss you, wish you were home, I hope we can fix this!” and all I get back is a “Okay, Good night.” And that is it for the next two days. She finally texts me out of the blue at 6:00 pm about wanting to talk things over, at 8:30 pm about being out with her friend, 10:00 pm saying I am home safe at my moms, and then at 1:30 am three missed calls and a handful of text messages saying her, and her mom got into a fight while her mom was drunk, and she packed her things and wants to come home. I am not sure if I believe her, but she is my wife and I want things to work out, so I tell her to come home. She must have been on her way here cause not 10 minutes later she is pulling in the driveway and walking in the back door. She climbs into bed with me and the kids and starts to cry. I know she needs time and it’s the sign that I had been waiting for that she had made a mistake with someone else and felt immediate remorse and needed to come back home, back to me.

It’s not how I wanted it to happen, but I love her for everything she is, mistakes and all and I will continue to love her no matter what. We wake up in the morning, we both look at each other and she runs over to me places her head on my chest and cries more, I just hug her tight and don’t let go. She says she is sorry and that it will never happen again. We wake the kids up and get them dressed and sat down with breakfast. I then ask her to come upstairs with me so we can talk. I ask her one time and one time only to come clean with me and tell me what happened last night. She explains with tears in her eyes that she went out to a bar with her friend for food and drinks and to just talk. Then came home to drunk parents and her mom screaming at her about leaving her husband and going out while she had kids that she should be home with. She then proceeded to scream at her mom and say I must be just like you then, at which time her mom told her to get out. So, she grabbed her things and left. She wasn’t ready to come home and that is when she got a text from a guy at work asking if she wanted to hang out, so she said fuck it. She went to his place and hung out. One thing led to another, and she said some things happened but that she did not enjoy herself and left. I was torn to pieces but knew if I wanted to make this work that I needed to keep that to myself for the time being. After she finished, I asked her why she even let things happen in the first place, she said she wanted to see if she would enjoy it if that would help her figure out whether she was staying or going. I said OKAY and just left it alone. I explained to her that it was New Years Eve and that the kids wanted to celebrate with the two of us so we should run out and grab some snacks and decorations to have a party with them. We rang in the New Year as a family that night and I hoped and prayed that we would continue doing so every year after that. Now 6 years later we are stronger than ever and about to ring in the New Year again as a family!