Guessing Why

Krittaani took out the box of match, lit one and brought the flame near the edge of the poster and set alight to the 5 feet poster.

The light on the match died out.

The Poster Burned.

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It was dark under the bridge, it was dark even during the day, there was something about the darkness there, it had a life, it had the ability to sneak up behind one and wrap itself around their head.

"Hey kid, you have a name for you?" A sharp, dry and heavy voice came from behind.

"I don't wanna give my name." Krittaani hoped she said it right. The dry and heavy voice combined with the darkness there seemed to have an intimidating effect on her. She just wanted to disconnect herself from all this.

"A'ight put the money in the box to your right.....its double the money right ?"

"Yeah"

"A'ight now go- go ahead, and look at the right corner under the bin for the 'escape stuff', next time you need it leave an orange piece of paper inside the box. Friday danger."

Like in every society, here also, the most serious offences were very easy to be committed.

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Mrs.Desardat prepared the table for the dinner. The lights over the dinner table were bright enough---the kind of bright that would make lighting candles seem unimaginably absurd, yet Mrs.Desardat lit two bright candles on the center of the table. It seemed more like a ritualistic activity. Tonight was special. Her daughter Krittaani had her exam results released in the morning, she passed with excellent grades, and stood amongst the top five highest scoring students in Class.

Mrs.Desardat was glad, she even got Krittaani sweets from the bakery, which were all hiding under a dish on the table. Surprise desserts.

Krittaani emerged out of her room. It was dinner time. No matter what it was, you were supposed to be near your food when it's time for dinner and lunch. Stay out-be-home-for-lunch, stay out-be-home-for-dinner.

That's how Krittaani's entire vacation passed. It wasn't like this before. And Krittaani preferred staying out the most. She hardly was at her home for more than 3 hours during the day. She preferred taking walks in the 'wide road-Bakery street' for she enjoyed the warm smell baked into the air and married to the street. She spent a lot of time walking around this place with her grandmama back when she was alive, however now she preferred spending time in the company of a 'None'. She even stopped going to Wide road-bakery street as the town's Drug Enforcement Council deployed several officers to watch over the activities of the street, she just wanted to avoid running into a certain Mr.Gedgai, the chief drug inspection officer.

"Hey, look what I made, what are those papers?"

"It's a printout of the result and some forms." Krittaani sat down staring at the absurd presence of the candles. She served herself the food and began eating, her mother sat on a chair beside her.

"You want to check what's in that dish? You'll love it." Mrs.Desardat held the top of the dome-shaped dish as if about to open it, but seeing her daughter uninterested and barely looking up, she just left it close.

Krittaani slid the Papers across to her mother, and before she could ask what it was she explained that it's the admission form for the lestlinson park high school and the hostel admission forms.

"Hostel? Why do you need a hostel? Where is it?" She turned over the pages wildly checking for the address. "So far away!"

"Look not like a hostel kind of hostel, it's more like dorm rooms."

"No, you are not going so far away, we've got high schools here. Better ones."

"Will you just sign it?"

"No." Mrs.Desardat said, her entire body turned towards Krittaani. "I don't allow it and that's it. Why do you want to go there?"

"Screw the why!" Krittaani got up rushedly pushing against the table, almost revealing what the sweets were. "You know...just."

"Look just sign it."

"I love you Krittaani, I want you to know that. Don't do this to me." Mrs.Desardat was about to tear up, her cheeks became droopy and her watery eyes stared at her daughter unblinkingly. Krittaani walked into her room without looking back. She knew that her mother loved her, she knew how badly she wanted to be a good mother to her.

One thing could be said with complete certainty, Krittaani didn't hate her mother.

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The Tree And The Bed Of Flowers.

Krittaani skipped her break fast. Took a walk down the narrow road-Cycling line, its construction and maintenance was all done to encourage the sport of cycling in the city. The town mayor always knew what was good and bad for the town. Infact if he could turn all the town's people into puppets and direct and control them, he'd have done it without any second thoughts. Something gave him the idea that he could. 

One could sometimes spot a few cyclists riding their bike but mostly the narrow road remained unused. She came to her new preferred spot, a street chair next to a well grown tree. The interesting thing about the tree was that on one side of it, the branches were dry almost as if it were decaying, and always drooping down into the earth, like a wearied old torn down movie poster. It had two sides, though she preferred calling it 'The One Sided Tree'.

This is where she saw her friend Stella Nayanan the second last time, who stopped being friends with her after Krittaani pointed out to her how dysfunctional her(Stella's) family actually was. And it was good being here without Stella or even her own mother(Mrs.Desardat). They were funny, they admired the bright colorful bed of flowers spread over both sides of the road, but Krittaani argued that the flowers were an illusion and that it's the one sided tree that defined the place better.

She just sat there letting thoughts flow in, wash over, filtering them, channeling them. Wondering if she could successfully renounce her mother's guardianship, or if there is still anyway she could talk her into signing it.

Her phone rang. On the small square screen, it displayed 'Mumma'.

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"What is Mr.Corunbeenar doing here?" Krittaani said whisperingly to her mother. "I thought only Gedgai was doing the inspection."

Gedgai and Corunbeenar were staring at a 5 feet long poster on the wall, it was a photograph of a ten year old Krittaani hugging her mother. Krittaani could tell simply by the back of their heads that they both were smiling sweet smiles.

"It's one of my presents to Krittaani, she passed her exams."

"I heard, she mailed her results to me last night. Excellent job Krittaani!" Smiled Mr.Corunbeenar and slightly bent his back and shook her hand, gave an appreciative pat to the handshake.

And adjusted himself back into his tall, sharp, broad shouldered form.

"But you didn't have to take the pain to come all the way down here to congratulate. A message would have been enough." Mrs.Desardat said with a stable and unswerving smile.

Mr.Corunbeenar in his usual insouciant mingled with an effortlessly serious manner told them that the DEC is closing down the almost a year long investigation, today being the last and final inspection. He said that it was one of his assistant lawyers who was supposed to accompany Gedgai, and that he switched places with him.

"So if not here I would have been at some other house." Spoke the Mr.Corunbeenar's mouth with its typical nonchalance. Krittaani just wanted to get out of here, get the packet of bread she hid under the bed of flowers.

Mrs.Desardat held onto that smile still, not a bit did it change. Krittaani could tell simply with a glance at the smile that she was cursing Corunbeenar in her head. All Krittaani wanted was to get out of here, and get the packet of bread she hid under the bed of flowers.

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Mr.Desardat

Mrs.Desardat spent the entire afternoon smoking and wondering if she should maybe start acknowledging the embarrassing existence of her husband. Maybe that was why Krittaani had begun acting like this. Maybe she should hang a photograph of him on the wall. She hated the idea but it was worth trying if that would help save her relationship with her daughter.

One the thing could be said with complete certainty. 

Mrs.Desardat naturally hated Mr.Desardat's guts. Everytime he smirked at her she felt like tying him down on the ground and stamping on his face, especially the right side of it. It seemed like one half of his face could fake any emotion well, but the other half couldn't. She could never find a reason to not hate him, therefore never had any reason to not 'not live' with him. Perhaps it's why Krittaani's grandmama wrote in her will that the percentage of wealth willed to Mr & Mrs.Desardat will be given to them only if they live together, without conflicts till Krittaani turns 20. A few months later Mr.Desardat was found in his car unconscious as a result of having abused drugs, 'escape stuff'. That was what started the year-long hunt for the source site of the escape stuff. Krittaani and her Mother started being closely watched.

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 An old conversation on whats and whys.

"Is that my fault? Look he has been unstable, ever since his mother died, he has been on that disgusting escape thing. Don't you understand?"

"Look Mrs.Desardat, this is your mother-in-law's will not mine. I mean you can get rid of that clause by filing a divorce, you will easily get one." Mr.Corunbeenar said trying too hard to hold onto his casualness. Leaning forward on his office desk he raised his eyebrows and cast a serious look on her. "But, let me remind you, Krittaani has to stay in her grandmother's house with whichever parent is stable, only then am I allowed to send you those monthly cheques from her account, for the next four years and seven months."

"Okay, which house?"

"The one you are living in now, wide-road housing street…."

"You told me that a court would allow omission of that clause, if the environment is unsafe, bad...this is an opportunity." 

"Opportunity? What do you mean opportunity? It's a good place. It's only one guy, your husband who is caught. It hasn't been proved that the entire town is unsafe."

"See the thing is Krittaani and I, we don't like it here and-"

"Oh, come on Mrs.Desardat. That's not true, I remember Krittaani used to spend her vacations here. She loves it here."

"Whatever, you wouldn't understand. "

"Look, the point of all these clauses is for Krittaani to have a stable relationship with her parents. That's how I see it."

"Obviously I'll take care of my daughter, why'd that stupid old bat have to do all this?"

Corunbeenar gave the question some thought for a moment and in his usual way let out a predictable answer."We can only guess why."

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Krittaani furiously got out of the house.

Mrs.Desardat caught her by her arm before she could even step onto the front porch and dragged her in, one of the neighbors could have seen it. She closed the door behind her. She couldn't take it anymore, her face bulged with anger at Krittaani.

"Go to your damn room.Now."

Krittaani obeyed, on her way she stopped by the new, freshly printed 5 feet long poster of her and her mother embracing, shot a look at a framed photograph of her father, on the wall. With her back turned she spoke as if confessing something."I really love you Mumma, but don't you think I don't know what you did...you and Dadda...", walked she away without completing the sentence.

Krittaani knew very well what her mother would do now. She'd empty a bottle of wine or consume gin and go to sleep.

After about 2 hours Krittaani got out of her room, with the contents of the bread packet- a syringe, a packet of white powder.

Got a box of matches and candle from the kitchen drawer- went into her mother's room. Gave a very light dose of the escape-stuff to her mother. Ejected the rest into a glass of water. It was a perfect set up with the trivial and necessary details taken care of.

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Krittaani tore down the poster from the wall and took it to the backyard..........Stamped on the burning poster. She took out a picture that contained her grandmama, father, mother and her- all together, looked at it as if it were going to be the last time she looked at it, and it was. Krittaani burnt it aswell.

She gave a call to 800, the paramedics arrived with the cops. She was taken to the hospital. "I found her like that...drugged in her bedroom....is she going to be alright?"

"Yeah, nothing to worry about Medically. A cop will stay here with you. You can visit her tomorrow. " One of the paramedics assured her.

After they left. Krittaani crouched down with her back against the foot of her bed and wept.

A crushingly bitter weep.

There was love. It was undeniable. But there was the longing for separation aswell. Separation from the other things that were there. Justice, anger, confusion, some stupid virtues. 

A knowledge of something occurred. Certain thoughts and emotions and guesses arose out of that knowledge. She didn't want to be a part of any of it. She was tired of the reasonings, the empathizing. 

Krittaani cried and couldn't stop crying. There was no regression or heart-breaking realization. It simply was Sadness. Unbearable Sadness.

And amongst all of it was the relief the she is now going to get out of all of it.