Loyal in a Violent Way

Loyal in a Violent Way

Written by: Lilac St.Madden

Trigger warning: Mental health, physical violence, underage substance usage.

"I quit! I've watched him go from girl to girl for six months straight."

"Vienna, don't be a quitter, you've liked him for so long, please don't give up. It could still work out."

I spun around on my desk chair, while my best friend, Camryn sat down on the floor.

"It would've worked if he hadn't Un-rejected Alexa."

"It doesn't mean y'all can't be together."

"It kind of does.”

I began to start crying, I had liked the same boy for a long time. After awhile waiting for him got toxic and honestly, mentally draining. I just don't think I can really handle it anymore. And anyone who's gone through heartbreak should know exactly how I felt.

"Vienna, please don't cry over Sam, he's a stupid 14 year old boy."

I dug my head into my knees as Camryn tried to calm me down. “Wait didn’t the same thing happened with-"

I interrupted Camryn and listed a bunch of girls. "With Aurora, Emmie, Taylor, and now Alexa? Come on."

"Maybe you should get over him instead of waiting for him to get over her."

I laughed, "pfft, yeah, like that'll ever happen. Be realistic."

Camryn was so obviously Italian, she spoke with her hands like she was conducting a marching band of puppets.

"Maybe it's for the best. Your last relationship didn't exactly end well."

"No shit Camryn. Can we not bring up him too? Please?"

"Alright sorry."

I crossed my arms, as I contained to switch between crying and being mad.

"How am I going to handle school tomorrow."

"Just don't be around him."

"he's not the problem, it's Alexa."

"Calm down Vienna."

"You calm down! You don't know what this is like! I'm not going to just cry and what for him to come running to me. I'm not in a hallmark movie."

While I realised I was taking my anger out on Camryn, part of me didn't regret it one bit. Camryn never liked talking about boys and breakups. But I only spoke of the subject because it had intoxicated my entire life.

There were 4 honks from Camryn's mom's car outside.

"I have to go. Feel better."

"Bye."

As soon as the door shut I began ugly crying. I wish I had never decided to take a short cut to class, cause that's how I met him. If I didn't take that short cut I'd be happy, and I wouldn't be a quitter.

But what really bothered me was that I felt like I was in a Taylor Swift song, you know, "I've been here all along why can't you see you belong with me." Never thought I'd relate to country music.

"Vienna? Are you going to Cam's for dinner?" My mom yelled up the stairs.

I sniffled a few times, rubbed my eyes, "no, but I'm not hungry."

"Alright tell me when you are."

It's not my fault I was't hungry, the thought of Alexa had ruined my appetite, her hair was dry, frizzy. Her teeth were crooked, she was covered in acne. She wasn't even nice. Which bothered me. He said he was all about personality, what a lie.

I just can't help but want to walk up to her and punch her in the face, I imagined what she would look like with her nose smashed Ito the middle of her face. This kind of thinking wasn't like me. I cry when I step on an ant. But I was so mad, I wanted to kill her.

It was a kind of anger I simply could not explain in words. My mascara had formed a tiny river down my face, a tiny river leading to an invisible ocean full of emotions, rough, and unsteady.

I decided to call Camryn considering I had been sort of rude to her.

"Hello?" She asked.

"Hey Cam."

"What did he do now?" Camryn asked.

"No, no, nothing. It was more me this time."

"More you? What does that mean."

"I'm sorry, I've been a jerk. I'm just really upset." I said, rubbing my forehead aggressively.

"Well yeah, you kind of were a jerk. But I understand you're upset." Camryn said, then she hung up.

I cried all night, I didn't even sleep. The next morning was even worse. I got out of bed, put on jeans and a sweatshirt. Brushed my dirty blonde, messy hair, threw on some eyeliner as quick as possible and ran out the door.

I walked into school, avoiding everyone. As I got to my locker, I saw him, alone. I couldn't help but want to hug him a stab him at the same time.

Then Alexa walked up to him. I opened my locker while glancing back at them multiple times. She was just talking to him. My class was right near them, literally right down the hallway. I was infuriated, he shouldn't have led me on like that. And it was her too, she was just mean. And she was a player, a mega player. I began to walk down the hallway, I clenched onto my binder tightly. I began to walk slower, watching her every move, she didn't even look happy. She has the most "whatever" look I've ever seen.

That angry little voice in my head rung in. "You've loved him longer."

I walked a little faster, I tucked my hair behind my ears, took my earrings out. I adjusted my rings, and speed walked closer and closer. The hallway couldn't have been longer that day. The feeling of butterflies invaded by stomach.

I watched her stand there. She was so lucky, and she didn't even know it. My palms got sweaty, I got shaky with anger. I was so close, she took everything away, all of it. All I was living for.

I was right near her, I unexpectedly crossed the hallway, I couldn't hold back my anger anymore.

That little voice took over again.

"See her? Yeah, she took him from you. Or did he just, replace you with her? Ether way, you could end things right now. End her, Vienna."

I tried to tune out the voice. I stood there behind them, and decided to let it out.

I held mu binder over my head, screamed loudly and hit her over the head, I heard Camryn scream my name. Alexa fell to the ground. I kept hitting her over and over.

"HEY!!!" A teacher yelled.

I wiped the blood from my nose as I stood up. My brain was filled with a peculiar mixture of regret and satisfaction. But Sam had ran away.

"That coward!" I yelled, as the teachers were running down the hall to get the nurse.

She began to sit up, my senses never returned to me. All through high school I was known for beating up my exes new girlfriends. People were scared of me.

It was finally senior in high school, everyone was scared of me. But the guys seemed to like that I was loyal at least. But loyal in a violent way.

Alexa never ended up staying with Sam, she was mad that he didn't help her when I hit her. She's not a good person though, so I don't feel about it.

That year of high school was bland and boring. Nothing exciting to be boasting about. I didn't date that year though. I decided to just date myself for awhile. My knuckles hurt from beating up the girls my exes cheated on me with. It wouldn't happen so much if they didn't cheat on me. So they asked for it.

I was fixing my hair in the school bathroom when a girl wearing red lipstick walked in.

"Hey, are you that girl that beat up Alexa in 9th grade?"

I started at her through the mirror. "Yeah. That's me."

"Interesting, I've heard a lot about you."

I was surprised, most girls would see me and run away. She just re-applied her lipstick, lit a cigarette and then said this.

"Can I give you a piece of advice?"

"Shoot."

"Maybe instead of beating up the girls who were technically also cheated on, why don't you beat up the guys?"

I looked down. "The point is to get someone to love me."

"See, a guy would love you if you never started this pattern, its unhealthy."

I leaned against the sink. "It's funny that you talk about unhealthy, aren't you literally smoking a cigarette right now?"

She held out the pack. "You want one?"

"Yeah." I said, as I went to grab to one.

"Yeah, no." She said. "I'm not letting you turn out like me. You already have your problems."

Alexa walked into the bathroom. I looked at her in the mirror. I hadn't seen her in so long. She looked the same. Brown eyes, tan, brown hair, short. She looked worried.

"She's literally afraid of you Vienna." The girl with the lipstick said.

"Hey, Alexa? I'm sorry about last year."

"Finally. But that doesn't fix anything."

The bathroom door opened again, It was Camryn.

"Hey Alexa, I was just looking for you!" Camryn gave me a look and closed the door behind her.

"Weren't you popular before all this?" The girl with the lipstick asked.

"Ok who even are you?" I asked, fed up.

"You, in a year." She said.

"What? Quit the jokes I'm for real."

"I'm for real too. I'm you. When you're more, normal."

"You can't be serious."

"I know you don't believe in that paranormal shit. But I'm serious. You need to get your shit together. Cause I changed and I ended up well."

"You're kidding me right now." I said.

I grabbed her by the neck, "tell me the truth!" I twitched.

She smirked. "You feel pressure around your neck right?"

"Uh-huh.."

"Yeah, cause I'm YOU!"

"Holy shit. Actually?"

"How many times do I have to tell you?"

I was in shock, I didn't even know what to say. Am I really that messed up?

"Listen, past me, love makes people crazy, and it made you crazy. But you have to stop this now. Mom's going to tell you that you are moving to a new city next week. She's going to get a job interview."

"That's great! More people to hate." I said sarcastically.

"Ugh, you're a lost cause. My version of you turned out well because I actually worked on myself. You try it." Future me said.

"Alright, I'll be better."

2 years later.

I really did mature. Though my future self was just another voice in my head. I wonder what happened to the other voice, but I don't want it back. I moved to a new school ti finish high school , I went to a community college for 4 years. And I moved on from taking anger out on people that weren't the problem. But I still feel bad about those girls I hurt.

I may have been the bad character in my life story. But everyone changes, right? At least, I did. And even though I would get angry, I didn't quit handling my emotions. I kept going, I kept trying to be better. I never quit again. Anyone can change. And I've changed for the better.

It was October, 2025. I checked my phone before bed, I opened my messages, to see a text from Sam, for the first time in years. I was shocked by the message, but I thought about how that message would effect me.

That voice of future me kept speaking over past me's voice.

"Don't quit. You have anger issues, Vienna. Ignore him, I don't want you to get hurt again."

I never replied to Sam's text. I became the best I could be, even though I couldn't apologise to everyone I hurt, I apologised to myself. After all, I'm still loyal. But not in a violent way.

The end!

Copyright: Lilac St.Madden, 2022, Reedsy Publishing.