Her helpful Friend

Warning; mention of domestic violence.

"Katie! No one wants to hear all that. No one cares about the past. Get a grip. It's up to you to make a decision. You alone. Who cares what others say. You can't let yourself go to pieces over what they think. And there is little point in telling me. I can't advise you what to do."

Katie has a wonderful friend, Lynley, who has guided her through many crises. Her advice has always been sound, though sometimes given in such a manner that some others may conclude she won't tolerate fools. This included the majority. Katie had undoubtedly been spoken to as a silly person. She knows Lynley cares, but her friend has such a degree of emotional intelligence that it is easy for her to keep her emotions in check, especially in the face of decisions that need to be made and situations that require strength. Katie finds that reason and logic become detached from her emotional state. She has to spill her mixed-up feelings before she can see some clarity over a situation. Those who are hard on others are generally hard on themselves as well. So, after listening to her woes, Lynley advised her to shape up. Katie knows she is correct, but it doesn't stop her from getting into a state and turning to her friend for advice when she is out of shape.

Lynley is a trained Social Worker with her share of trauma in her life. Her firstborn suffered massive heart problems as a newborn. He underwent numerous surgeries at the beginning of his life. All the while, she had been told he may die. Before each operation, she had massive battles convincing the doctors and surgeons that no blood be administered during each. It meant even more care needed to be taken to prevent blood loss in the first place. First, he miraculously survived. He eventually grew up and is now a married man. One would never know he had such a difficult start in life. All this is possible because of his marvelous mother. She is aware that he could still die with a scarred heart and body,

Katie met Lynley when her son was a babe in her arms. They clicked as if they had always known each other. As an infant, Lynley's little boy had to be prevented from crying as his heart couldn't take it. Until he started on his operation path, he had to be pandered to and frequently picked up to prevent distress. He also needed to be kept safe from viruses and bacteria because illness could kill him. This is an exhausting situation for a new Mum. She had contracted German Measles during her pregnancy and had been warned about how this could render her child. Then it was detected his heart had been affected. He came into the world via cesarean section. She cared for him as best she could. Others were amazed at how calm she could be as she tirelessly catered to his needs. He had to be kept tranquil and happy. All this practice at being calm helped her face life's battles confidently.

For a time, they lived in different cities. Still, when Katie's marriage broke up, and her husband was incarcerated in a top security penitentiary, she moved to the same city as her friend. Her little boy was two years younger than Lynley's little man.

Katie had developed a matter-of-fact, consistent, and structured way of bringing up her son. His diagnosis at age 5yrs was ADHD. Instinctively, she had provided him with the settled environment he needed to be the best he could be. Because of frequent tantrums, she often tried to make others the meanies. Lynley used to laugh a lot over the situations she had to deal with when her wayward son got ideas into his head and impulsively acted on them.

One day he decided to move in next door. He packed his little case and moved in. The family often had him over to play with their boy and vice versa. When he didn't come home, Katie reasoned that they were so gob-smacked at what he had done they believed she'd fetch him home. She didn't. The following morning she took his schoolbag, lunch, school clothes, and toothbrush over. They sent the two boys off to school after breakfast. When the boys had left, she went over to explain. "I'm really sorry about this but I've decided that it's too hard to reason and argue with my son over what he should and shouldn't do. So, because of his decision yesterday to move in with you, I came over now to tell you that this is what it is all about."

"Did you have a fight with him?"

"No. I avoided the fight completely. He gets these hair brained ideas and won't listen to reason. So, I let him go hoping you'd send him home. It's ok. I don't mind that he had a sleep-over."

"So, will he go back to yours after school?"

"Knowing him, not. I'm afraid that you will have to tell him he can't stay."

"What if he won't leave?"

"Then I will have no other choice but to go and find work and pay you to look after him."

"So, you want us to send him home?"

"Yes, please. It will go down a lot better coming from you. I refuse to drag him home, kicking and screaming."

After school, the two boys went next door, and within half an hour, her son returned with his school bag and little case.

"Oh, you are home. What happened?"

"I decided to come home."

"Well, that's nice."

She made a similar decision about taking him to school. He could be dressed in his pajamas if he wasn't motivated to change out of them in time. When it looked like this would happen, he dressed himself so quickly and accused her of being mean. Especially when lateness meant he missed out on breakfast. She never had to remind him to get dressed in time again.

Her friend Lynley roared with laughter. Shifting the responsibility to the child certainly taught him better lessons than Katie in despair when he never listened. Lynley knew her son had issues, though vastly different from her son's.

When Katie did good, they both enjoyed each other's company. Lynley happily took him off her friend's hands at times and gave sound childrearing advice.

When Katie and her husband had been apart for five years, she went to a lawyer and started divorce proceedings. His release date loomed, and she wanted to be protected by the law. The pros and cons had been weighed, and a decision was already made.

It is more complicated when a spouse is a prisoner and says "No," to a divorce. It then becomes a costly court battle where he isn't in attendance. He decided to write letters to a few of her friends to plead his case; as you can imagine, they felt they had to share their opinions. It wasn't the opinions that bothered her. She had managed to stay alive all these years and now started to have the same nightmares of being chased and killed all over again. She went to pieces emotionally on the inside, even though she managed a semblance of control in her everyday life. Part of the paranoia came because her soon-to-be ex (this had been decided) had always been a con man and convinced everyone of her guilt and stupidity. (while treating her with cruelty and violence in secret) She knew it wasn't the truth, but it crippled her with fear to the point that she wavered in her determination and became angry with friends who questioned her valid reasons for seeking a divorce. No amount of protection, set up through the courts on paper, had ever been of any assistance to save her from past dangers.

One evening after she had put her son to bed after his usual bedtime routine, she rang her friend Lynley for some moral support. The conversation turned to criticism of those who had dared suggest she should give her husband another chance, especially when he had been locked up in the top security penitentiary because he had threatened her life. Not once, but several times. She disbelieved his promises that he had reformed. He had earned his second literal strike after a firm warning, and that was it. He knew it.

***

Her secret address had been coaxed from a friend, and he broke in . . .

Her only way to survive had been to greet him amiably, pretend to be glad to see him, wait until his son, a toddler, had been safely put into his cot upstairs for a nap, urge him to smoke outside the front door, note that he didn't lock the door, wait until he eventually went into the kitchen, and then make a bolt for it. She wisely didn't run next door as her profoundly deaf neighbor always locked her door. She tore down the long drive next to hers into a large rented house where a group of girls flatted together.

"Can I please use your phone. It's an emergency."

Someone duly gave her the phone and, once she knew the police were on their way, she ran into a bedroom and hid in the wardrobe. "I'm not here!"

Her ex had knocked at the neighbor's door, stormed in when the door eventually opened and looked for her while demanding that she come out. The poor woman was an emotional wreck. "Get out of here. Who do you think you are."

He took to his heels.

When the police arrived, they were sympathetic, checked he wasn't around, and took her statement. They saw her protection order that proved he had no right to enter, primarily through a window like a thief. Nothing was done about it. With large nails, she nailed both downstairs windows shut to prevent it from happening again.

Now, he knew where she lived. Because it had involved the police, he showed his true colors. The next time, she received a warning by phone that he was on his way over, so she hurriedly prepared to leave. Not in time. He came around to the back and, when he couldn't get in the door, he looked in the window. He could clearly see his little son standing in front, looking at him. He became concerned when he saw the phone in her hand. In truth, she had dialed the emergency number for the police. He smashed the window and leaped in, upsetting a tall dresser that fell over and just missed crushing his son. Glass shards flew all over the kitchen floor. Thankfully their child only had a few minor cuts. The phone was snatched from her, and he clobbered her over the head with it. The fight was on. He forced her up the stairs. She had a horrible notion he wanted her in the bed. After struggling to get free, he finally released her at the top. Whether by accident or his design, she tumbled backward down the stairs and landed on her son sitting at the bottom. They both survived. By that stage, she had no idea how to escape the situation.

There was a knock at the door, and she managed to get to the door before her ex could get down to stop her. The door flung open, and she grabbed her elderly neighbor inside.

"Hello, Mrs. Brown. Do come in. My ex is just leaving."

The suggestion at that stage suited him, so he left. After alerting the police, Katie rang where he had been staying and told them what had happened. Her neighbor remained and supported her. The police took her to a Women's Refuge facility after taking her statement. Katie told her landlord about the smashed window at the back of the two-up-and-two-down unit. While she was away, he had a secure doorway built into the entrance of her backyard and had the glass replaced in the window.

That was the last time she saw her ex again because he stupidly rang the police threatening to kill himself. They called on her to talk him out of it, which she tried to do, but he couldn't convince her to have him back. She told the police that nothing would induce her to do so. They agreed that measures needed to be taken, so they tracked him down, caught him, and flew him far away. The top security penitentiary held him securely for five years. During this time, she moved to another city.

Her in-laws always supported her. When she moved, they still came to visit, and they were happy to take their beloved grandson for a week or so and then deliver him back. This happened several times a year. It involved a lot of travel for them. Her father-in-law told her he had also been approached by his son to reveal her address. He had been beaten up when he wouldn't tell. It seemed a paradox that he suffered at the hands of his son, and the information had come to him because her ex got a female friend to pose as her girlfriend and ring another girlfriend for it. The address had been freely, but stupidly, given because of this deception. The friend felt awful when she learned the outcome.

***

 All the trauma was dismissed once Katie and her son settled in a new home and city. But when things are not dealt with, they can, and did, surface with a vengeance.

"Katie, I know it's all too much for you. It's your decision to free yourself of your ex. This other side is all about how you feel. Trust me. 'Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.' No one wants to hear about what happened between you both. So what, if others believe he has changed. He probably hasn't, but who cares? Divorce him because of past irreconcilable differences. As for all this dilemma you are in, you need expert help. You really are in a mess and I can't help you. There's nothing more to say. Goodbye."

A pep talk, again. Always recriminations. Of course, Lynley was right.

Lynley married and moved away for several years. Katie had attended the wedding, but they weren't close again. Katie did deal with her demons as Lynley had given the correct, though harsh, advice.

When Lynley returned to the city, Katie had also remarried. They had both given birth. Lynley to another son and Katie to a daughter. Lynley threw a party for all her friends in the city to let them all know what had happened in her life while she had been away. Naturally, Katie and her husband were thrilled to be invited. It was a great, informal catchup. Neither of them lived close by, and though it could have been an opportune time to reconcile and become close again, neither suggested it.

Something else happened. Katie dropped in to see Lynley one day. She had many problems, but that was not her reason to pop in. It had simply been too long for the friends to not see each other. It turned out that Lynley's oldest son had finally become engaged. She invited Katie and her husband to the wedding. The wedding saw a grownup young man marry his Japanese sweetheart. They had been communicating with each other for years.

Katie developed all the photos she had taken at the wedding and dropped in to give the copies to Lynley. Katie wanted to do something special for her friend. Lynley was over the moon. The informal and formal ones could be combined into a great collection of reminders of this memorable ceremony and their lovely time together.

In conversation, they both found out something profound about each other. They were both going through court over grandchildren. Lynley's son's wife had been neglecting her children. There had been depression and other issues. Lynley's youngest son had stopped working to help his wife and children. The situation had deteriorated, and he wanted his mother and father to look after the children, two little girls. It looked set for the girls to move in permanently. Katie had a grownup stepdaughter from her husband's previous marriage, who had grown up and had her life deteriorate. She insisted on staying with a violent partner involved in the drug scene.

Consequently, a previous partner snatched his two children away for safety. The baby went to the daughter's parents, Katie, and her husband. It became permanent.

Katie had been invited to bring her young granddaughter to play with her friend Lynley's little granddaughters. While there, the phone rang . . .

"Oh hello . . .look I have a friend here at the moment and I can't talk for long. Its an old and very dear friend. Our sons used to play together years ago. Now we are back together, and we have our granddaughters happily playing together. We have so much in common."

Katie smiled at her friend. Despite everything they had been through, she knew their friendship would last this time.