Inconclusive

When you see this, I will be gone. I promised my councilor I’d give it a year, and that day is approaching in 7 days. I also promised to try journaling, but never late than never I guess. This is what I did all week; read it or don’t. To whom it may concern, should have started it with that, oh well, I want you all to know that I am not angry at anyone. I don’t blame anyone. I will try to keep this as impartial as I possibly can, please do not speculate.

Monday, January, xx, 20xx  

The Pond  5:00-6:00pm

There were thirteen geese in the pond. There were four visitors. Two visitors spent forty five minutes at the pond. Two visitors spent twenty minutes, they left when they caught me staring while they were kissing. It was not quiet. Theory: some of the local frats must have had a party. The guard didn’t come.

Porter Residence

“It’s your fault”- 17,

Bitch-12, 

Worthless-5, same as last time

I don’t care-22, 

I’m done- 20, 

Liar/lie-32, 

Possible start of a cool down period, possibly the calm before the storm. I stayed in my room all night. They said nothing to me. I may sleep tonight. I just don’t think I care about Sunday morning, I won’t care about Sunday morning. Though I suppose I care on Monday night. 

Times I gave up: 6

Times I was done: 3

Times I caught yourself smiling: 1

To Do

-Tell them you love them

-Tell them you hate them

-Observe the pond

-Observe the security guard

-Turn in that awful library book

Tuesday, January, xx, 20xx  

The Pond 5:00-6:00pm

No visitors today, though I can’t say it would have been a day to do it. A guard was there the entire time. No geese today. 

Porter Residence

No Data Collected

Quiet today. Instant cool down. I know what’s coming. 

Times I gave up: 2

Times I was done: 1

Times I caught myself smiling: 3

To Do

-Tell them you love them

-Tell them how they made you feel

-Observe the the pond

-Observe the guard

-Don't fall for it

-Make that cake

Wednesday, January, xx, 20xx  

No pond today, I was dragged away by my (still don’t know what to call them). I suppose it’s better to be friendly with them and pretend to be besties than have them unintentionally outing me to someone who’d care enough to ruin my plan.That said, not many people would care from them saying: “He's a downer” of “He’s a drama queen”. I found myself slipping and I forgot about the pond. I forgot why I shouldn’t have forgotten about the pond.

Porter Residence

“It’s your fault”- 0

Bitch-1, playful 

Worthless-0

I don’t care-0

I’m done- 2

Liar/lie-3

Stories about hometown- 24

Cheering about a game- 8

Friendly debating about the game-5

Kisses- 3

They were projecting that they were happy today. I caught myself being pulled into the happy cloud. Maybe it was a contact high. I talked to them. It didn’t seem so bad. Maybe I’ll skip the pond tomorrow. Maybe I’ll keep it in my back pocket for now.

Times I gave up: 0

Times I was done: 0

Times I caught myself smiling: 6

To Do

-Sleep in

-Take a break

-Finish Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Thursday, January, xx, 20xx  

Porter Residence

I could die today and no one would care, no one would notice. Here, the pond, it won’t matter. I’m useless. I can’t even live like a person. I have to live like a low life form confined to his routine. Like it’s a punishment. Like it’s a punishment. Like it’s hell. My hell. I don’t have the worst life in the world, but I don’t know if I can handle this one. Who could?  Who should? I’m so done. I can’t deal with today. There’s no use waiting for the boom of the thunder, the deafening quiet has turned into a storm now.

Saturday, January xx, 20xx

The pond 5:00-6:00pm

Three visitors today. One spent a total of ten minutes for a cigarette break. The couple returned, but only stayed ten minutes as well. I’m astounded I could remember those 20 minutes in the 57 hours it seemed like I spent there.

Sunday, January xx, 20xx

No visitors today, no geese, no guard. Just pretty green water. I've taken enough pictures of this lake to last a lifetime, but today is a day that I wish I had a camera that would do the scene justice. Today was not the day to do it. I’m not scared, just particular. Objectively so. I stayed later than usual and the utterly oblivious security guard came bumbling about just before the pond’s enchantment would have worn off naturally. So much for choosing a better day Lizzie always said adults always come to ruin the fun. Even when the fun is over, they never even give you time for the good memories to fully form. Lizzie was biased. Everyone sucks the enjoyment out of everything. I don't know what happened to impartial journaling, but if someone does find this, I don't know what they'd think, but I don't think I care anymore. I don't think I care. I love that expression don't I? Impartialness is not a color I wear well I suppose. I don’t think I can pull off the unemotional whatever person thing either. Who am I apologizing to for that? This is for me and my sad need to go with full honor. 

Times you gave up: 0

Times you were done: 0

Times you caught yourself smiling: 0

To do list that you still half ass

-Say what you need to them

-Decide if you care

-Be ready for it

-Take out the trash.

Wednesday, January xx, 20xx

The pond was closed today, or at least the park was. Someone fell in the water and couldn't swim. It wasn't that deep, but a spoiled rich girl fell in a public pond. Apparently it took the guards a good long while to show up. Maybe they didn't care, maybe they were far away. Looks like someone once again stole my thunder before I even struck. Of course. What the hell are you even talking about now?

Porter Residence:

Quiet

Times you gave up: 1

Times you were done: 0

Times you caught yourself smiling: 0

Times you understood your thoughts: 0

Times you felt worth it as a person:

Times you felt like you were flesh and blood and not jest an assembly of colored air: 0

Times you were okay: 0

Times you weren’t shaking trying to hold it together: 0

Why do you want to grow up so fast?

Because you have a bedtime? A regular sleep schedule?

Because your meals and clothes are chosen for you? You don’t have to shop for clothes or food or worry if everything fits or if it’s keeping you healthy? God I miss the days where my only major life choices were there or blue pencil case and which color uniform shirt I wore.

So you can get a job and buy everything you want right away? Do you have experience? Are you even familiar with the concept of saving? Oh and if you’re sick of school and won’t go to college, you better hope you’re the reincarnation of Walt Disney, because half of your options just vanished.

You want your own house and your own rules? With what money?!

Say goodbye to your phone and the internet, unless you want to live with your parents and have them start resenting you because it’s not supposed to be their job anymore.

Because adults shield you from information? Information that can drive a kid nuts like it drives adults nuts.

Do you want an adult relationship? Where you have to do more than declare someone your boyfriend or girlfriend, and put effort into things, question everything, and go through heartache? Then rinse and repeat until you find someone that doesn’t turn your stomach after a few weeks. And you better hope with everything you have that you see all the red flags right away and not after you’ve invested too much of your life in them to be able to make a clean break.

So you can have kids yourself who also don’t know how good they have it? 

Here is your stack of bills, your empty wallet, in fact, you can have mine. I'm tired of looking at it. It mocks me, just like your pillow is going to do to you every single night when you want to go to bed, but you can’t possibly entertain the thought with so much never ending work that has to be done. No more protection from the real world. No more hand holding.. No more happy meals for you because they frown upon adults getting that, and welcome to torture until you become an elderly person, and that’s a whole other trip. Good luck! No one gave me a warning, no one gave me a choice, I just had to be an adult. I just had to be the one with all the responsibility. I had to be the one to stumble upon all the bad things in the world and now they swirl inside my head and they won’t leave. I’m the one who has to sacrifice everyday, but be resented like I dangled the choice in their face of having me or not, like I promised them something for forcing me to exist . I never did that, I wouldn’t if I knew what would happen. I couldn’t.

Why is it on tv? Why is growing up too soon such a trend? Why do people think it’s so amazing to tell such lies? Because they buy into it. Literally and otherwise. Those sick bastards. 

To be a kid again. To have no options and not know there were any to be had than to know there are billions of possibilities and millions are unavailable to you just because you weren’t fortunate enough or quick enough or just because there aren’t enough hours in the day. Or just because. To be a child again, with no options and not to feel it is much better than being an adult and having no options with no choice but to feel it; all day and all night. I’m tired of crying about it because my tears are no longer cute, they just burn and they’re just sad. I am so fucking sad.

Tuesday, January who gives a shit

The pond was uneventful today. But you know what was eventful? My mother getting mad at my father about some fake news story they heard on tv.. I didn’t agree with her opinion and that warranted a “you aren’t my son”.  A stupid argument warranted heat getting shut off in the middle of Michigan Winter because she doesn’t want to provide for people who disagree with her. She will take all of their money though. She will say she loves them when she needs something from them. She will expect you to take care of her when the time comes. What did my father do when he heard this not a damn thing. Just the same reaction he has to everything. At least he didn’t ask for money.. SPOKE TOO SOON HE ASKED FOR MONEY. I hate this life.

Times I thought about punching someone: 12

Times I caught myself wishing I wasn’t born: 6

Times I hated myself for even entertaining the thought that I could do this: 6 including right now.

-Tell them to fuck off. 

-Tell them they killed you

-Tell them, they're the mistake

-Go to the pond, end it all

Dear bastards, I'm done. The fake smiles, the crashing down, all of it. It makes me sick. so I'm done. It takes too much time and energy to be worthless. So I'll see you on the other side. Damn, I'm sure I will sew you down there. At least it'll be a bit of a break I hope,

So I guess this is goodbye though I fail to see the good.

March xx, 20xx

What is wrong with me?

Times I felt like a self-betraying coward: 1

Times I wished Ifollowed through on your promises: 1

Times I found yourself still unsure what to do: 1

To Do:

Call Dr. Daria

June xx, 20xx

I got a job today. I haven’t told anyone. I don’t think I will. I don’t think I have to. I shouldn’t. Not with family like that. It’s not even the trauma that drains you, it’s the walk back up the hill. Not knowing if it evens out, or it’s just another drop.

Times I looked forward to the future: 0.5

September xx, 20xx

Nevermind