Narcisse

"I adore you, under these myrtles, oh uncertain

Flesh sadly bloomed for solitude

Which mirrors itself in the mirror of the sleeping woods.

I can't free myself from your sweet presence,

The lying hour is soft on the limbs on the moss

And a dark delight swells the deep wind."

 Paul Valéry's "Le Cantique de Narcisse"

***

The kisses of the mind began to fade, and you started dreaming of your forest, dreaming of your freedom! And you began to run towards a mirage, an illusion of lost time! You began to become grand, hoping that your greatness would be visible from the cosmos. You started to discover parts of yourself and yet... it wasn't enough

*** 

Sometimes you can only despair and gather your memories in a jar which you leave by the window to be warmed by the sun. Because you want your memories to be warm, to offer protection, to feel safe. What you don't know is that there are clouds that cover the sun, and thus your memories become dark. You haven't had many sunny days, and now you're constantly and desperately looking for glimmers taken from the warmth of summer... maybe, just maybe, your memories will be better! And you hide between four walls with hope, but this hope isn't as it seems... it always deceives you, you always fool yourself, and you always fall into its trap! You've gotten lost so many times on the path of searching, on the path of damnation, believing that's the only way to confront the past, to become free. You've hidden behind the four walls, but you left your heart, shaken by demons, at the door, exposed to many waves of tears. And you lost it! But you didn't give up and took it and buried it in the search for the truth not found in time! But this time, you lost yourself! You became a puzzle with missing pieces, but you never gave up. You looked for them, tried to glue them back so many times that there were no sunsets or sunrises. You were a child who built a sandcastle too close to the sea, and when the wave came, it destroyed it. But you didn't cry like that child. You did the work of Sisyphus and tried to rebuild it, but it always fell apart. Yet you hoped endlessly that the sea would dry up and your castle would last for eternity.

Sometimes you hoped for a love like in stories, but your logic always knew that you weren't meant for eternal love. You always knew that no matter how good it was, evil would take over your thoughts and darken the so evident truth; you only felt safe in solitude. And you've read so much in the stars that you understood that nobody has a "forever." But you wanted more. And you got lost in the maze of the cosmos, tried to understand your destiny. You stumbled upon so many things, until you met her. You were floored because you didn't know how to react. But you lost her so many times, thinking she would come back because you're wise, omniscient... but in the end, she never returned! And since then, you've been completely lost.

Sometimes every "I love you" spoken also has a flip side - "I hate you so much that I can't live without you!" And that's how you are! You hate her because you believe you were naive, that she made you naive, and you once promised yourself never to be like that again. That you'd think rationally, that you'd only see the truth, that you'd search for the last drop of ocean in a barren desert. That you'd do anything possible not to corrupt your thoughts with unrealistic ideas, that you'd only chase the great love. But... what if she was your great love? You told her many times that you were just a moment in her life, but she was and would remain your "forever." But you already knew that such a thing wasn't possible. And you hurt her... you hurt her so much that she turned to stone. You managed to destroy the walls she built over forgotten time and made her believe in fairy tales with handsome princes, only to hurt her little by little afterward. She didn't leave immediately, she gathered all her strength to fight with you, to show you that her love for you was like the Sun's love for the Moon, beyond space and time! But you hurt her so much that she turned into stone, a static memory of what was and what could have been. And every now and then you look at her just to feel that endless pain. Do you think the pain will save you?

Sometimes you look lost on the streets, because you escape from the four walls into a satanic world, a world full of venom, a world where good clouds your mind, and evil illuminates it. Sometimes you want to look at her and tell her everything you feel, to lay your soul bare on the asphalt, to kiss her like no one ever did, to embrace her mind... but also to hurt her with harsh words, words that pain her so much. And you've thanked your God that she left... hoping that's how it would all end, and you'd feel nothing. But she, the stone of your fears, remained there. Sometimes you go out on the streets just not to hear her voice anymore, even though you want it more and more... And you get lost on the streets, you run, shout, scream, stay silent... and stay silent... and stay silent... until you start over. Your words are poems to you, her eyes imprinted in your mind are diamonds and her lips... are touches of silk that smother your memories. And you're afraid that you might start forgetting details that you cling to so tightly... And you feel that you love her, but you don't do it as much as you think because every end also has a beginning... Your beginning is at the end of the street.

Sometimes you let the rain touch your hand aged by so many bites of muffled screams, aged by how many tears it wiped away, aged by so much bitterness from the time you suffered after her. You're not the hero of the story... but neither is she the victim of the conflict between you and time! You are two anti-heroes, so simple and delicate.

Sometimes you let your footsteps follow the wall of silence, and you reach a sea. Your sea, in which you want to see your end. And you bend down and see your face... and yet in your reflection, her smile appears, and you hurry to touch it, and you fall into the water where you find your darkness illuminated by so much sadness. And for the first time, you feel victorious!

***

"When you feel you can't go on, you can still go on a little more. Longing eventually turns into reconciliation. And yet... you fall asleep alone... and she falls asleep alone. Two strangers!"