Ecstasy of the Heart

“I’m at the hotel. Room 124.” I fired off with a pin of my location. “Bring a pizza if you want to be let in,” I added. I sighed loudly and threw my phone onto the bed comforter that was the same color as the floor. I ran my fingers through my hair and clasped my hands behind my head as I tried to think. I had finally, for the third and final time, left Ryder. I left him, the last four years, our apartment, and most of my things. I only had what I could throw quickly into my duffel bag. 

My phone vibrated and moved across the stiff blanket, the screen lit up and I was only able to get a glance at the wrong name that had messaged me before the screen returned to the clock screen. 18:23. I had meant to text Katie, but her name wasn’t the one that showed up in the chatbox. 

“Umm… what?” A response to my text, from Sebastian, my friend, co-worker, and Ryder's second cousin.

“Oh I’m so sorry, that was meant for someone else,” I responded as quickly as I could. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, how embarrassing. 

“Oh okay.”

I groaned and flopped onto the pillows on my back. Accidentally texting Sebastian had to be the cherry on top of a terrible day. The phone vibrated again. I sat up to read it.

Text from Sebastian. “So do you want pepperoni or cheese?” 

“You don’t have to come over. Or bring pizza.” I sent him back. 

“Are you sure?” He responded. 

Sebastian was sweet, but my heart was still beating hard with embarrassment. I laid back down and put a thin scratchy pillow over my face. Maybe if I lay still long enough I could just fall asleep until tomorrow.

After tossing for what felt like an hour I decided to turn on the TV. I checked the time on my phone. 18:27. I groaned as the news anchor on the bright screen talked excitedly. I began changing the channels. Nascar, cooking channel, natural disaster, women’s talk show, seven channels of news, then a knock on the door that saved me. I wondered who it could be, no way housekeeping would come this late, and I realized I had never actually texted Katie. I looked through the peephole and saw Sebastian standing awkwardly outside the door. I’m confused, but open the door and let him in. 

“Hey.” He greeted me. 

“What are you doing here?” I asked. 

“Uh… you told me to bring pizza if I wanted to be let in,” Sebastian said sarcastically. 

“Well, come in. Take a seat on the bed. It’s also the table.” I said. “What kind of pizza did you get?” 

“Big Joe’s extra cheese, extra pepperoni,” Sebastian said opening the pizza box, taking a seat on the bed. 

“Mmmm, the best.” We said in unison. 

“And…” Sebastian said, pulling something out he had hidden behind the pizza box, “wine!”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Seb,” I said apprehensively as Sebastian got up to grab the complimentary cups wrapped in a garbage sack. He took his hoodie off and hung it on the hook attached to the door. 

“Let’s just see,” Sebastian said, his eyes were unyielding but heartfelt. 

“Fine.” I gave in and let him fill up my cup and took a drink. “But I still don’t know why you’re here.”

“Well, I figured there must be something big going on if you’re staying here,” Sebastian said as he took a drink. 

“Maybe I’m just taking a luxury night away.” I deflected. 

“A luxury night away at Riverside Inn & Suites? The room is 2 of me wide and isn’t the average room price like 50 bucks?” Sebastian asked. I groaned, and let down my shoulders, hung my head and my hair curtained my face, hiding it from Sebastian. “Maude? What’s going on?” 

“I left Ryder. I needed somewhere to go.” I said and took another drink.  

“Okay,” Sebastian said, but he had a look of confusion on his face. “Couldn’t you go to your parent’s house?” 

“No. Ryder knows where they live,” I told Sebastian.

“What happened?” Sebastian asked. 

“I shouldn’t tell you; you’re family,” I said.

Sebastian scoffed and took another drink of his wine. “Barely, truthfully I care more about you than Ryder. So what happened?”

“Nothing really happened, and I’m probably overreacting, but I couldn’t stay in that apartment one minute longer, and I knew that if I tried to kick him out he wouldn’t leave so I did. He never laid his hands on me, but he used his words, and… you know how he can be.” I said, finishing my cup of wine. 

“A huge jerk,” Sebastian said. We laughed, and hit our cups together, toasting something I’m unsure of. Our cups kept getting refilled with wine while we ate the cheesy, greasy, delicious pizza. At some point Katie texted me asking if I was okay. I sent her a thumbs up and a winky face text to let her know I was okay. 

“And what kind of name is Ryder?” I asked

“A pretentious name,” Sebastian said.

 “I should have known from the moment he introduced himself to me that he was no good,” I said laughing. 

“I’m so sorry,” Sebastian said. 

“Why?” I asked. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

“Do you not remember?” Sebastian asked, looking at me seriously. I only responded with a curious look back at him. “I introduced you two.” 

I thought back to four years ago; before the last two breakups, before all the fights, before moving in together, before the accusations, back to the work valentine’s get together. The startup that Sebastian and I worked at hosted a valentine’s day party. Everyone was supposed to bring a single friend or family member with them. I brought Katie and Sebastian brought-

“It was you!” I accused pointing at Sebastian. “You son of a-”

“I’m so sorry!” Sebastian said, apologizing profusely. “If I had known that you two would get together I never would have brought him.” 

“Oh please, you didn’t know what he was like,” I said. 

“That’s not why I would have stopped him,” Sebastian said. I tried to ask him what he meant, but he didn’t respond. 

We talked and drank some more, the TV played some Lifetime movie in the background, but we paid no attention to it. 

“So what is next for Maude?” Sebastian asked as if he was interviewing me for a talk show. 

I took a deep breath and thought of my answer. “I don’t know,” I answered. “I’m going to make myself happy. I’m not going to say ‘I’m happy enough.’ or ‘at least this person is happy, even if I’m not.’ I just want to be happy, and proud when I look in the mirror.” I had started talking, and it seemed like I was going to stop. “And I want my heart to be happy too, not just my brain.” Sebastian looked at me tenderly. “I want euphoria, bliss, and ecstasy.” I finally shut my mouth before I revealed too much. 

“Be careful who you tell you want ecstasy to,” Sebastian said, smiling. 

I laughed and shrugged one shoulder before I responded. “I’ll take what I can get.”

Suddenly, Sebastian got serious and somber. “You’re not going to go back to him this time are you?” I felt a little insulted that he would ask me that, but I answered him honestly. 

“No, I won’t,” I assured Sebastian and myself. 

“What happened the first time?” Sebastian asked. Mine and Ryder’s first breakup had been a huge blowout and everyone within two degrees of us knew about it.

“Why are you asking?” I wondered. 

“I’m just wondering,” Seb responded. 

I took a big drink from my cup and emptied it again. “He thought I was having an emotional affair.” 

Sebastian laughed. “Why would he think that?”

“I did have a crush on someone else,” I said. “At the time.” I quickly added. 

“Who was it? Anyone, I know?” Seb asked. I met his eyes before looking away. 

“No, no one you know,” I told him.  

We sat in silence for a few moments, as pizza crusts grew cold in the cardboard box. We finished off the wine down to the very last drops. 

“I told you the wine wasn’t a good idea,” I said. 

“Why not?” Sebastian asked. 

“Well, you know what happens when people get drunk,” I said. 

“No, I don’t. What happens?” Sebastian said, trying to goad something out of me. 

“Would you mind if showered?” I asked, changing the subject. 

Sebastian flung his arm up into the air pointing toward the shower. “Go ahead.”

I got into the shower before I started getting undressed, the shower was not given its own room: only the toilet was separated from the rest of the room by walls and a lock. The warm water sputtered out before it rained down on me. 

“I love your hair,” I said over the water. 

“Umm…, thank you,” Sebastian said. “What do you like about it?” He asked after a pause. 

“I like how it’s curly and blond. I’m usually not into blond guys, but you…” I paused when I realized what I was about to say. “... make it work.”

“Are you saying something else there?” Sebastian asked. 

“Nope. I’m not.” I said. I decided not to talk about his brown eyes or his dimples. I was starting to have a difficult time keeping my balance so I rubbed the soap back and forth in my hands until they were sufficiently sudsy and washed myself. “I have a small issue,” I told Sebastian when I turned off the water. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked me. 

“I’m naked.” 

“Okay? So?”

“So, I’m not in a different room than you,” I said. 

“Oh right. Of course.” Sebastian realized. “What can I do for you?” 

“I need my bag,” I told Sebastian, he got up and brought my bag over to me. 

“And now?” He asked, with as much sincerity he could convey while trying not to laugh at me. 

“Can you go into the bathroom?” I stuck my head out of the shower curtain so I could implore him with my eyes.

“Sure.” He said softly heading into the bathroom, or more accurately, the toilet room. I rushed out of the shower and to the corner farthest from the bathroom door. I pressed myself against the wall as I dug through my bag. Ryder was the kind of guy who would open the door and try to peek at me so I'm used to hiding, even when I expected privacy. I dug through my duffel trying to find my pj’s, and I kept digging. Eventually, I pour the whole bag out but still had no luck. 

“Oh no!” I exclaimed. 

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian called from inside the bathroom, the door was definitely still shut. 

“I forgot my pajamas. How could I be so stupid? I have six pairs of socks, like 12 clean underwear, a swimming suit, four pairs of pants, and three shirts, but no pj’s.” I said, full of self-condemnation. 

“I’m sure you can figure something out. Remember I’ve seen you in a swimsuit.” Sebastian chimed in with apparently random facts about our past. 

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked him, still stressed about being naked and having no clothes appropriate for wear. 

“I mean, don’t worry about being self-conscious or thinking I will be offended by whatever you wear. I won’t be.” Sebastian offered. 

“Okay,” I said, shugging and resigning myself to what I had to do. I grabbed the pair of underwear with the most coverage. A pair of boy shorts, that I had been meaning to throw away for months. I was just glad they weren’t granny panties. I put them on and tried to find a shirt that was good for sleeping in, I had no luck. 

“All I have work shirts, I can’t wear any of these to bed,” I told Sebastian through the door. 

“There’s nothing warm and comfy you can wear?” He asked and my eyes went over to the door. 

“There is a hoodie I could wear,” I suggested.

“Sounds perfect. Put it on.” Sebastian said, sounding impatient. 

“Is something wrong?”

“The longer I’m in here the more I have to pee, and I don’t want you listening, but I really have to go,” Sebastian told me. 

“Okay, I’ll put the hoodie on. It’s grey, and a little large for me. It has some fashion brand logo on it.” I described. 

“I’m sure it’s perfect. Put it on.” Sebastian begged. I put his hoodie on and turned up the tv volume, a minute later I heard the sink turn on and Seb walked out of the bathroom.

“Thank you.” He said. 

“No problem,” I said. “And thank you,” I said. 

“What for?” Sebastian asked, coming to join me on the bed. I held his hoodie out from my body and showed him, he turned his head to look at the door.

“Oh.” He said. “You’re welcome.” 

“Are you going to stay with me?” I asked, getting under the blankets and sitting up against the pitiful stack of pillows.  

“I’ll stay as long as you want me to,” Sebastian said, following my lead. I put my head on his shoulder. 

“Thank you for coming, even though you weren’t who I meant to summon,” I said. 

“Yeah, but aren’t I so much more fun than Katie or whoever?” Sebastian asked, I laughed and sat up straight. 

“The wine wasn’t a good idea,” I told him. 

“So you’ve said, but you won’t say why. Are you feeling okay?” Sebastian asked, sitting up as well. 

“Yes, I’m fine. Mostly.” I responded. 

“Mostly? What’s wrong?” Sebastian said, putting his warm strong hand on my back. 

“It’s my heart,” I confessed, poetically. 

Sebastian was starting to get worried about me, I hadn’t meant to worry him, but I was skating around what I really wanted to say. “It’s just the wine. It makes you realize things you want that you didn’t realize you wanted or convinced myself I didn’t want.” I said. 

“Maude, what are you talking about?” Sebastian said. 

I threw my arm around Sebastian’s neck pulled him to me and kissed him. He embraced me and kissed me back, before I let go and pulled away, our lips separating with a small ‘pop’. 

“I’m sorry,” I said fervently. 

“I’m not. Maude, I've wanted to kiss you for years." Sebastian said, his dark eyes meeting mine. I could fall into those eyes and float weightlessly forever. 

“Still, I don’t think it’s something we should be doing right now. We’ve been drinking, and I literally just left a long-term relationship.” I said. 

“I understand,” Sebastian said, tenderly. “Do you still want me to stay?” I nodded. I couldn’t speak at the moment, my head was wrapped up with thoughts of the kiss. My heart fluttered in a way it hadn’t for several years. My breath caught and my chest squoze like it never had before. 

A few hours later the TV was off, the pizza box and wine bottle was in the trash and the only light in the room was the street lights and car headlights that shone through the crack of the curtain that I couldn’t get closed. Sebastian was asleep breathing peacefully next to me. My head was rested in the crook of his arm by his shoulder. At that moment I saw our entire future and knew that my heart had finally found what it was looking for and it would finally have all the bliss, euphoria, and ecstasy it had been looking for.