When Rapture Drops Down and Dirty

The Sermon

Dear Andrea,

At first I was thinking of explaining my feelings, etc., step by step. But after thinking about it I decided it would not be necessary and only a repetition of what you already know. Thank you for your letter, but it had nothing inside that I didn’t already realize.

Response

(Monday 6:25 pm)

Dear George,

I decided that I too should be able to write down my feelings. I will not mail them. Maybe I will give them to you when this mess is cleared up.

I am sorry if you feel that I am a negative, depressing person. I am sure I am at times, but as a whole I am definitely not! I don’t like the way you turn things around, so I feel I am to blame. You were in a lousy mood Friday night! I think the news you received Thursday. depressed you. Well, at least you know the truth, even if you don’t want to accept it. But how can you turn away from me? I am the one who loves you. Don’t you value our relationship? I am here to help you through these hard times. I would expect the same from you if the tables were turned. We are friends during the good as well as bad times!

Stop putting yourself down. You are your own worst enemy. I want to be with you! Do you think I’m so hard-up that I couldn’t find someone else if I wanted?!! Yes, I can get what I need from other men--but have I in the past 9 mo. or so? Are you so thick-skulled to figure out why I haven’t. There is more to a relationship & love, than sex. You are not a disappointment; you are not inadequate. I love just being next to you. Having you hold me & kiss me. I love it when you massage my body. If anything, I feel I don’t always give you as much love & attention, as you do me.

George, please don’t shut me out. Yes, this is your problem; but let me help you find a solution that can make us both happy. I want to be there with you--

By the way, I am angry & disappointed with you. How could you stand me & my family up for Sunday night? Why didn’t you at least call & tell me. That was a real slap in my face! I hope you will apologize, because I start to wonder if this is a pattern. We will discuss that in person, one day, I hope.

I’m giving you your space--I won’t bug you. I hope you will miss me enough to call tomorrow since you didn’t today. I hope we can spend our 1st anniversary of knowing each other together. It is in 25 more days! I felt Saturday that you just were depressed & needed time, and that it wasn’t an end to this relationship, so I have hope & faith. Believe me, I will pray to have you back soon. I miss you--and I love you.

Andrea

(Tuesday 7:30 pm)

Dear George--

Another day without you--another day without a smile. I came home from school & went directly to the mailbox. I couldn’t believe it, no letter! Are you writing & not mailing? I found a note that I had a parcel. I thought it was from you. We went to the managers only to be disappointed again. It was a sample of Crest toothpaste. At least I’ll have a bright smile, even if I don’t have you! I had hoped you’d at least call, even though I didn’t expect it. How can you exist like this? How can you turn away from me? I don’t understand you. On Thursday you have an appointment and I hope you keep it. I hope he tells you not to turn away from me, that I can, & want to help you.

Do you think actions speak louder than words? You act as if you don’t love me; yet you write (wrote) me such beautiful things. How can you write: “George loves beautiful women. Andrea is beautiful. Therefore, George loves Andrea.”

Can feelings change that quickly? Or did you just fake them? Is this a usual pattern of yours--feel depressed & turn away? I told myself in December to take it slow, be careful, & don’t get hurt again. But these past few months have been beautiful. Of course it can’t always be passion etc. But just having you around, & being close to you, gives me a fullness. Whether we “kiss” every night or not, it doesn’t matter. I did not feel I had taken you for granted, but that we had settled our life into a comfortable existence.

I will pray again that you will return soon. I love & miss you. Andrea

(Wednesday 7:20 pm)

Dear George,

I am amazed--4 days without talking; 2 days no letters. Now I’m getting angrier as the days pass. Who do you think you are? I never thought you were self-centered, but maybe you are! Poor, little George has a problem; so he turns away from his best friend and lover. What in the hell does this relationship mean to you anyway?!

I reread your letters last night. They made me smile, and then cry. I don’t understand this change of feelings so quickly.

I don’t feel good. I have a sore throat, my ear hurts, I am freezing, and my back hurts. I wish you were here to hold me & rub my head. I miss you something terrible. But this time I am waiting for you to make the move if you want this relationship to work.

I put my diamond earrings back in for good luck. I have been praying for some answer to all this on my dried rose petal from last December. Maybe tomorrow...

Love, Andrea

(Friday 7:00 pm)

Dear George,

I didn’t write yesterday because I was too sick. As these days pass by, I wonder what will become of our relationship? Is it over? Is it at a temporary standstill? Is this a usual pattern for you?

I know you hurt inside, but I love you enough to accept you as is, to help you through this. Where in this world will you ever find another woman who would keep you around for so long; who would not laugh at you; who is willing to stand by you & help you? How did you ever go with Annelle for 2 years? How did you ever go back to her when she did things you disapproved of? Why do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this cold treatment? Just having you close by, talking to you on the phone for 15 min. brightens up my day.

I know you can’t be totally self centered. You must know that I too am hurting inside. I need you and want you, Damn it!

I look at the couch. It looks so empty without you. I look at my bed, and it too, seems empty.

How can you criticize other people’s relationships (they don’t hold hands or kiss etc). At least these people stay together & work out their problems. If we ever were married, what would you do--turn from me? I’m so confused about you. You try & tell me that I’m negative. My only problem is that I love you & I am unable to help you!

Love, Andrea

(Saturday 7:15 pm)

Dear George--

Amazing, I made it through another day. I woke up today, and the depression really hit. 1 fucking week, damn you! As the afternoon progressed I snapped out of it. The hurt turns into anger. The longer you delay talking with me the harder it will be. I am starting to wonder about our relationship--can it survive this split?

The weather looked so nice outside. Spring is almost here. I’d love to start spending weekends out & about now that school work is over. Wouldn’t it be nice to go to the horse races; the pier, or sight-see in the city; go to the top of Fremont Peak; walk along the beach; tour the wine country. I refused to sit home this spring. I wish you would be here with me, but who can see that far into the future. I must only get through finals next Monday. After that my free time is mine. I hope I have someone to share it with...

Love, Andrea

(Sunday 7:10 pm)

Dear George,

For some reason I am in a good mood today. Maybe its because I have finals tomorrow! Maybe it’s because I have come to terms within myself. Today my daughter said she really missed you. I agreed. You had become an important part of our family. I told her that I didn’t think you’d come back this time. You know, I really have a strange feeling you won’t be back. You have a problem, and I guess it must be me or why else would 8 days go by without a word. You have so many outstanding qualities that I am looking for in a husband, & yet you do some strange things. This type of behavior is totally immature and inconsiderate. George, I am a 32 yr. old woman. Maybe I don’t always act it, but believe me, I am not 16 or 18, (even if I look it) and I don’t expect to be treated like one. I want a man who I can talk to, and share things with. I want someone that I can make happy & who accepts me as I am. I expect my man to be able to feel that I am an important part of his life, as he is to mine. I guess you have at one time or another fulfilled these. I wonder where we went wrong?

When will I find the right man to fill the void in my life?

Peace be with you George. Love, Andrea

(Tuesday 8:00 pm)

Dear George,

Where are you? Where is our relationship? Where is the love?

Andrea

(Wednesday 6:00 pm)

Dear George,

How time flies? It’s only 2 more weeks until we look back on the day we first laid eyes on each other. It’s funny how happy & how sad a person can be during one year. I wonder how you are surviving each day. Do you think of me? Do you miss me? Why haven’t you called? Can’t you face me with whatever is on your mind? Remember I told you I wanted to be your friend? I thought we were friends. Friends share true feelings & thoughts. So why did you turn from me? Who do you confide in? Are they better friends than I? Do you value their opinions over mine? I am OK. I go through periods of depression & confusion. I felt this wasn’t a fight or break-up, but a chance for you to think things out. I expected you to call me when you had done so. As the days pass, I feel you are avoiding me. Do you laugh & joke about me behind my back? Is this all a big joke to inflate your ego? I am sorry that you have let so long go by--it only tells me that you have decided this relationship wasn’t for you. It might be better for both of us. I need a man as an equal, & to give me strength. You need a woman, for what I really don’t know. Maybe you don’t need one at all.

Maybe someday in the future our paths will meet again.

Andrea

(Thursday 11:00 pm)

Dear George,

It’s time for your lunch break. I wonder if you will think about me? I wonder if you ever think about me? If so, what do you think? Do you expect me to call you? I guess you do. Maybe I don’t want to hear the inevitable, just as you don’t want to tell me. Damn it, what happened to us? What happened to the beautiful relationship we were building?

You once put me on a pedestal. I never liked being up there. Now I know why. Did I fall off by myself, of did you knock me off?

I remember when we couldn’t stand not at least saying hello on the phone every few days while one of us was on vacation.

I am trying to find the good in all of this. I am thankful to have had you for a friend, even if it was for such a short time. I’m only sorry that it didn’t continue and get stronger--I really had hoped it would have.

I hope you are happy. Love, Andrea

(Friday 11:30 pm)

Dear George,

Wow--it’s been 2 full weeks since we had “our last supper”. I still wonder where exactly that evening went wrong. Was it so dramatic--to end our relationship over it?

I feel lonesome at times. I held the couch pillows today. It made me feel close to you. You always slouched in that corner of the couch. I am still praying on my rose petal for some answers.

G-d be with you. Love, Andrea

(Sunday 9:15 pm)

Dear George,

This is interesting--2 + weeks. Why haven’t you called to explain? I have decided I want to know what exactly has happened between us. I will call on Tuesday after school. Maybe by Wednesday you will come over & we can talk. It’s hard for me to comprehend the end of our relationship. Your letter written Friday morning was beautiful--What exactly happened Friday night to turn you 180 ° around? Are you happier now? Are you confused? Did you fall out of love that fast? I still pray & hope, and I do have faith--but is something else stronger that has pulled us apart?

Tomorrow is my big test. How I had hoped you’d be in my corner pulling & praying for me. I can’t believe that you don’t really love (or at least like) me anymore. I have valued our relationship. I feel my life has been enriched by you. You are a different kind of person, and I loved you for it. I never wanted to change you. Did you want to change me? You said I was your best friend once. That I knew you better than anyone. I’m not sure I really did know you at all, because I did think you loved me. Do actions speak louder than words? Are words (either written or spoken) so cheap?

Where has the love gone?

Good luck on your finals--I am looking forward to talking with you soon.

Love, your friend Andrea

(Tuesday unknown hour)

Dear George,

I decided to call you to hear your voice and to hear just what you have to say. It seems you always make the decisions. Everything goes according to your plans--when its time to break-up; not to call me (when you really should have!) etc...

I am glad you are at least open enough to come over. I have my own deep down feelings about this. I’m sure you want to break up because you feel inadequate; or that there is no point to further dating, for what ever reasons. Is it because you don’t “care, like, love” me? Is it because you can’t see marrying me one day? Or is it because you don’t get turned on by me, & you don’t desire any sexual satisfaction?

I feel you are running away from a very deep rooted problem. I was always afraid your family wouldn’t accept me--funny how it turned out to be you! Are you afraid of finding out what love is really about? Are you afraid of making a commitment and not being able to follow through? I know you pretty well. I felt you trusted me as a good friend. I realized a lot of your problems; but I always tried to accept you. I wanted to be there to help you. Did I act like a mother, rather than a lover? You have so many other fine qualities, that this unfortunate incident seems to be shadowing.

You added a lot to my life and to the girls. I will cherish my memories of the past year or so. I am sure I will always remember the good times we shared. I will think of you as my friend.

I am sure tomorrow will bring an end to our “relationship”. I won’t stop you, like I did last December I won’t beg you, or cry (I hope). I have a clear conscious that I was open and honestly gave of myself. I never wanted to change you--maybe just improve you a little. But you can be stubborn & very opinionated. I realize that your life goes the way you plan it. You want to get mad & be depressed and you don’t want to call & explain. You would be happy just to let it sit in the air--for how long? What about my feelings?!! Do you look up to me as a strong person? very stable, able to bounce back? I hurt too, damn it. But I am beginning to see more objectively, and even though I do love you, letting you go will probably be the best thing. I always felt that if you love something & let it go, it will come back if it was meant to be. And so it was last December. However, I am not as positive this time. But as I said before, I have come to terms within myself. I do love you, but I must let you go. I can’t change you, only help you as a friend.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I hope I will stay strong. I love you George. May G-d be with you.

My love, Andrea