A Long Prayer

“Are you there God? It’s me…"I thought about using the name that my parents gave me, but I decided against it. “Victorius. Hi, yeah…” I felt the words fizzle out of me. “I don’t entirely know how to do this,” I said, even though I wasn’t even sure God was listening. “But, hey…{damn, I’m so repetitive}” I took a deep breath and then continued.

“I need help with something important. I uh I did something that I know I shouldn’t have. And my mom doesn’t know, I only said I need major help with something, and she instantly told me to go pray. Which I thought was stupid.

“So here’s the thing, I had this friend and he was THE BEST, I swear. He's kind and emphatic, and he knew everything there was to know about me. Which could be a blessing and a curse rolled into one, if I’m being honest. But either way, he was amazing. His name is-w-is Sullivan MacGreghair. Damn,” I wiped at my eyes which smeared glittery eyeliner across my face. I sniffed and took in a shuddery breath.

“I normally called him Soul, instead of Sulli or Vans, like how Rory did. I could never be like Rory, he’s beyond my reach.” I chuckled at that. My mom always says that God can hear and see you no matter where you are or what you’re doing. So maybe that chuckle was because I thought God would know about the inside joke about Rory being beyond my reach.

“Sorry. My mom says that you know every little thing that happens, which seems hard. -Because like, that's 8.2 billion people yammering at you 24\7, 365. I don’t know how you do it, if you are up there. I’d have, like a major migraine every fucking day. Do you get one of those? Do you feel things like that?- Sorry, goodness, geez, my bad. Sorry.” I took yet another deep breath and shook my head. “I spiraled, I tend to do that a lot. I bet you know that, being as you’re God and Mom said God knows everything. But either way, I was talking about my friends, and why I finally reached out to you.

“Soul wa-is a great guy and I adore him…but then came prom and the date and- whatever. Look,” I said, flicking strawberry coloured hair out of my eyes and licking my lips. “I asked Soul to prom, did a huge promposal and everything. I set up a whole classroom with an art piece that moved when you looked at it. Like one of those things that look like they’re turning and always looking at you, no matter what way you look at it. It was one of those what-ever-they-ares and I had stood behind it with a bouquet of his favourite flowers, Daisies. It was a bouquet of daisies…. Anyways. I came out from behind the thing and asked him if he’d go with me.

“Soul thought the whole thing was hilarious. I had balloons at the entrance that said ‘SO-ul, prom?’ in black letters, I had a poster that was a picture of me and him painting together that told him to come to the art room if he’d come to prom with me. I guess I was very persistent, but Rory gave me the all-clear on the persistence levels, so it’s his fault. Anyway, Soul thought it was hilarious because it was like that scene in 13 Reasons Why, when Charlie asks Alex to prom and he has a whole room full of charlie cut-outs. I took inspiration from that, because I knew it was one of his favourite TV shows.

“Either way, we went to prom together; I wore one of my most David Bowie as Jareth in the Labyrinth type outfits and he showed up in a nice waistcoat and his best distressed black jeans. He was hotter than hell and I was pretty much lukewarm.”

I chuckled at that one and then cleared my throat.

“Rory was there too, though he went with someone named Moa-Lii. He mostly steered clear of us, but I think that was because he still liked me from back in middle school.

“Prom went great and it was a blast, unlike how I thought it was going to be. After that, he left for a week or so to go see his niece over in Edinburgh. When he came back, he came right out and asked if I wanted to go out with him. Like full on, let’s date. And I was ecstatic. I was so happy, because I had wanted this for like five years. And so obviously I said yes.

“We dated for, like, four-ish months and it was the best goddamn time of my life, God, like I was happy, which is rare. Rory was fine with it, fine that I was dating his younger brother. He had only asked if I could make sure to keep Soul, or Vans, on top of his eating. Like, making sure he ate enough regularly but wasn’t forced. Soul had struggled with his weight and when he told me and Rory, we vowed to help him. We would take turns to make sure he ate lunch. Rory normally would get him through dinner, and me, with him through breakfast. But lunch was easy. Because surrounded by me and his older brother and the quiet of the library or wherever we’d go for lunch, he would feel safe enough to eat.

“If you know what I mean, but I bet you do, because you’re God, and Mom says you know everything there is to know.” Shifting, I adjusted to sit criss-cross applesauce. “So, you know. Either way, God, we did this for four months until I slipped and said that Soul was my boyfriend in front of my whole, non-loving family. And my pa nearly threw me out. Mom told him to wait and talk to me first. We talked and then they understood. Mom couldn’t get too mad, her and pa did the same thing in high school when they were my age. Pa was still angry though, but now, he mostly just feels sad for me and wishes I would get better.

“So, God, we were dating and my family knew. Which wasn’t as terrible as I had thought it to be. Even though my littlest sister would not stop teasing me about Soul.

“The fifth month went by and then Rory and Soul had some sort of argument, regarding my need for Soul to be by me constantly. He was the oxygen that I breathed, Soul was the one thing I needed to live and Rory grew jealous. So he tried to drive me and Soul apart by doing stupid shit, like purposefully miscommunicating by getting into Soul’s cell phone and responding when he didn’t know. Eventually, Rory found out I was onto him and asked to meet me in the Waterweeds Library. So I did. And I kind of regret it.

“I’m not entirely sure of what happened during our meeting, because I’ve kinda blocked it out, but Rory made me really angry and mad and I wanted to punch him, but I knew that if I did that, it would hurt me more. Rory was-is training to be a boxer and he trains with his "cousin’s" uncle’s niece’s daughter. So I didn’t. But I came home and asked Mom what I should do, because she normally knows how to answer and she asked what it was and I definitely couldn’t tell her about what Rory had said and the shit that he was doing. So I just told her it was a really hard decision that I needed to make.

“And it was- I needed to know whether or not if I needed to cut Rory out or what and so I didn’t. I didn’t pray, {because this right now is the only time that I’ve done so} but I made the decision to cut Rory. I still talked to him when I would pick up my boyfriend, and when we sat at lunch and helped Soul eat. So I cut him.

“But Rory didn’t like it. He wanted Soul to be his responsibility, like how it had been for almost their whole lives. He wanted Soul to himself, since he couldn’t have me. And so…Rory came after me….”

I felt my voice shake and my stomach turn into a huge black abyss.

“God, I didn’t know what to do. He came to me, at like midnight and he had a knife and he- I- Rory tried to stab me.”

There. I said it.

“And I didn’t wanna die and so I turned the knife on him, but fucking goodness, I didn’t want him to die either.”

Good lord beyond.

“He’s on my floor, God. He’s on my floor and he’s bleeding and he’s been making weird gurgly sounds and I don’t know whether to call the police or not, because my fingerprints are on the knife handle. Is it selfish to want to leave him there? Wipe the blade and handle clean and then skip town with Soul? Or maybe not with Soul, as I think I just killed his brother. But either way, is it selfish?”

what do i do

what do i do

what do i do

“I think I’m going to go now. I don't know what I’ll do, but yeah. Jesus {if that is your name, i wouldn’t know, i’ve heard so many different names for you, i can’t keep track of them all} I think I killed him. I think I killed him and I think I’m a murderer and I think I’m going to be sick now.”

I said wearily. My head felt fuzzy and faint and filled with fake iron filings. Huh, that’s crazy.

“I’m looking at the body, God, and I can’t tell if he’s breathing…” I took a shaking breath.

“Good Lord Beyond- I think I fucking killed Rory MacGreghair. I fucking killed him and I need- good fucking god, I need to go, God, I have to call the police, whether I get arrested or not. I need to try and save him.”

I hurriedly picked up my cell phone and dial 9-1-1. “I’ll talk later, god, if you’re even a thing to begin with…” I mumbled as the operator picked up.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”