All Good Things...

As Jessie sinks into the bathtub, she slips into her past.  

 Creative and a natural singer. Popular and pretty. Life had promised much.  

Jessie reaches out of the steaming bathwater and runs her fingertips along the small scar on her cheek, which, as a teen, she had learned to hide under concealer. The scar tissue sends Jessie crashing back to her childhood bedroom. 

Sat cross-legged on a Little Mermaid bedspread surrounded by the smiles of Ariel and Flounder, Jessie listened to her parents arguing. Jessie cuddled into Chewy, her Patterdale Terrier, as her mum and dad fought downstairs. She wanted to go and tell them to stop but didn't want to be shouted at.   

 Jessie suddenly flinched at the sound of the TV being toppled in the living room. She crept to her bedroom door, opened it and walked out onto the landing. Chewy followed in her shadow, peering down the dark, gloomy hallway. A loud crash sent them scurrying back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind them.  

The living room went quiet, and Jessie could hear her mother's soft groans. Jessie wondered where her father was and how neither of her parents had come to check on her and Chewy. She felt forgotten. 

Jessie pulled on Chewy's tail to gain attention and share her pain, causing the dog to yelp and whimper. Yet her parents ignored her, causing Jessie to yank Chewy's tail harder.  

The dog jumped and sunk its teeth into Jessie's cheek. She screamed and fell backwards onto the bed, covering her face with her hands. 

Warm blood oozed between Jessie's fingers, and she cried for help. Sadly, her only comfort was Chewy, who lapped at Jessie's tears as if he were sorry.  

Looking back at her childhood, Jessie knows her dysfunctional parents were only the beginning of her problems.  More sinister shadows would darken her teenage years.  

Jessie empties the plastic tub into the palm of her damp hand and shoves the sleeping pills into her mouth before chasing them with a glass of cheap red. Alcoholism is in her genes. But it's Bipolar, which truly terrifies Jessie.   

The troublesome twosome came to party when Jessie was twenty-one and a fresher at university. Her mania made her a creative force—an epic socialiser and a reckless lover. Jessie was a white-hot flame in a short red dress that burned all those who cared.  

 Jessie felt unstoppable until her mania ran out of road, crashing her headfirst into her first clinical depression.   

Locked inside her bedroom, Jessie gazed at the ceiling of her student flat. Her Nokia N95 hadn't been charged in a week, and she hadn't seen the sun in just as long. Her flatmates no longer bothered knocking on her door. Jessie's lips felt cracked, yet she had no thirst. Her stomach felt knotted, and she suffered cramps, but she didn't miss the taste of food. She was left an empty, rudderless vessel failing to navigate the Cape of No Hope.  

The door rattled on its hinges; a female voice came from the hallway. "Jessica Jones, this is PC Rahman here to conduct a welfare check."   

The medication was harsh. ECT is unnecessarily cruel. Jessie often asked if life was worth the pain.    

The tap is still running bathwater. Jessie has never sunk as far as she has today. Water laps at her chin, yet she feels nothing. Closing her eyes, she remembers the first time she tasted the lips of a lover.  

Jessie stood on a rural train station platform, cast in pale yellow by the soothing summer sun. A new dawn brought the trees alive with birdsong, and the breeze carried the earthly scent of cut grass. She's felt positive and at ease with herself.   

Steel wheels scraped along the rails as the train rounded the corner and came into view.  

Dan rested his hand on Jessie's shoulder and squeezed it, causing her to face him and smile. Their noses brushed together, and they both laughed as they embraced. Jessie rolled her forehead against his chest and inhaled his spiced cologne. "Thanks for the lovely weekend."   

"There's something I've been..."   

"Shush. Keep it to yourself."   

"What? Why?"  

Jessie chewed her lip as she stepped out of Dan's embrace. She looked into the cloudless sky for guidance, petrified of making a promise she could not keep. "Don't ask."  

"Then let me say it differently."  

Jessie leaned back as Dan tried to kiss her and placed her finger on his pursed lips. "No, Dan." She giggled. "We've done enough kissing for one weekend."  

 "But I love your kisses, they're amazing."  

Jessie snorted a laugh. "You know what they say." She raised her voice as the train screeched to a stop. "All good things must come to an end."   

"But it doesn't have to, does it?" 

"Aw, Dan." Jessie placed her hands together as if to pray. "You're so sweet and innocent." 

"Not anymore, I'm not. You gave me the best night of my life."  

"Sush, keep it down, I don't want to get a reputation." Jessie raised her hand to her mouth and nibbled on her fingernail. "Dan. Listen."

"Go on, hit me with it."

"I don't want to hurt you, but you deserve the truth." Jessie rested the palms of her hands on Dan's narrow shoulders and stared into his baby-blue eyes. "We're best as friends."  

"But I think we're better than that, Jess."   

Jessie felt torn. "Dan, why are you complicating things?" She ground her teeth and shook with frustration. "We're good friends, and you're a lovely man." She glanced over her shoulders as the glum-looking commuters began to board the carriages. "But you barely know me. And if you did, you wouldn't want to be with me."  

"That's bollocks. I care, In fact... I love you."  

"Daniel. What the fuck! Really?" Jessie grabbed the collar of his shirt in both hands but didn't know whether to kiss or punch him. "That's... That's so sweet, but I can't deal with this." She couldn't help but smile and rested her forehead on his chest. "But I really, really, just need a friend right now."  

"Why?"  

"Why? Why so many questions, Dan?" Jessie glanced at the guard of the train, who eyeballed her.  She stepped back from Dan but may as well have moved a million miles. "I'm very bad at relationships, Dan. That's all you need to know.  I have too much going on, you know that."  

"I promise to always be there. We can live life together as lovers..."   

Jessie stepped up to Dan. "No." She stood so close they could kiss. "Never use that word again, not for me. OK? Never again. It really fucking hurts me because I know I don't deserve it."  

"But it's the truth."  

"What good is the truth when all it does is hurt the both of us."  Jessie shook her head, her lower lip quivering as she began to break down. "I'll have to go. Sorry."  She covered her mouth with her hand and jumped onto the train.   

"Jess. You confuse me."  

As the door beeped to shut, Jessie didn't answer Dan. She let the doors slide close on a rare chapter of hope.   

In the bathroom, Jessie's lips part and expel a final breath, curling the fingers of steam before she fully submerges. Jessie slips down into the abyss, where it's silent, warm and comforting. For the first time in her life, she feels truly at peace.   

Jessie drifts in a warm current towards the ethereal light, which warms her skin like a sun.

Suddenly, she feels the sensation of rising out of the water. Suspended in the air, Jessie looks back on her peaceful self in the tub. Her alabaster skin contrasts with her crown of dark locks, which fill the water around her delicate shoulders.   

Jessie smiles, ridding herself of her past, shedding the weight of expectation, and losing the suffocating cloak of responsibility.  

A distant cry brings Jessie out of her slumber, but her limbs do not move. Jessie can't talk, can't scream, can't even breathe.   She is suspended in a drug-fuelled terror. Hands, so many hands, pull at Jessie and drag her away from consciousness   

A muffled voice seeps through the door.  

"Mummy, I'm scared."