The Bridge

We used to come here all the time. It’s where we fell in love, where we got engaged. This was our place, until it wasn’t. I step out of my car, immediately overcome by the powerful smell of the surrounding evergreen trees, their branches gently swaying in the breeze. The first rays of sun are warm on my skin as I cross the dirt parking lot, rocks crunching under my shoes. I pass the trailhead and walk along the densely wooded path in the cool morning mist, noticing dewdrops clinging to the delicate petals of a bright yellow flower. A hawk screeches in the distance as it circles above, searching for its next meal. I pause and watch as the sun slowly peaks up higher over the mountain in an early morning yawn, burning the mist away.

How could I have stopped making time for this? How could I have stopped making time for you?

There is no one else here, but I see you everywhere. I step over the exposed root that tripped you on our first date and remember how your cheeks flushed in embarrassment. I walk past the rock on the edge of the river where we shared our first kiss. I can’t bear to look at the tree that we carved our initials in, but I know they’re there. In the distance, I see the bridge where I proposed. The bridge where you… No. I don’t want to think about it.

Overwhelmed, I step away from the path to sit on a large rock where we sat together hundreds of times before. Where I imagine you sat alone a hundred more times, wishing I was there with you. I choke back a sob as our last conversation plays over in my head. You wanted to come here and watch the river from the bridge, just like we used to do. “I just want to spend time with you,” you had said. And I told you no, that I had a deadline to meet. When did my priorities change? I never had time anymore because I always had a deadline to meet.

And now you’re gone. I guess I just thought we’d have more time.

I close my eyes and picture myself that day, watching you walk away from me. You glanced back at me only once, your mouth drawn in a defeated frown. And then you turned and walked away. I clench my hair in my fists and cry out as I imagine myself running after you, taking your hand in mine, deciding to go with you. I picture you smiling and throwing your arms around me, whispering against my ear, “I just want to spend time with you.”  

I force the thought away, because as much as I want it to be true, that’s not what happened. As soon as you disappeared around that corner, I turned back to my desk and kept working. And that was it. I didn’t give you a second thought, at least not until I got the phone call.

I remember my annoyance at being interrupted by the shrill ring of the phone, silently cursing myself for not putting it on silent. The memory of how I lifted the phone to my ear and barked out an irritated Hello!? makes me cringe. And then I remember the distant voice on the other end talking about how there was an accident on a bridge. On our bridge.

I don’t want to remember this. I don’t want to think about how I messed up, how things would be different had I just gone with you. How I could have walked along the bridge with you and pulled you to safety as the car swerved by us, instead of right into you. I wonder what went through your mind as your body folded over the hood of the car then plummeted onto the rocks in the river below. Did you cry out for me? Suddenly your voice pierces the air around me, harsher this time: “I… just… want… to... spend… time... with… you.”

I wrench my eyes open and images of you swirl across my vision. My throat closes and I frantically suck in air. I try to stand but collapse onto my knees instead. I rock back and forth, hugging my arms around my chest, my pulse throbbing in my neck as violent sobs wrack my body. I begin to hyperventilate, gulping mouthfuls of air until my vision spins. I slump forward onto the ground, vaguely aware of the pine needles poking through the fabric of my shirt.

The sun is high in the sky when I finally gather my strength and stand up. I blindly stumble back to the path, memories of you running through my mind. I walk until I find myself in the middle of our bridge. I lean over the edge, the railing damaged where your body broke through. Yellow police tape still hangs limply from the fractured rail and I rip it free and drop it, watching as it flutters down into the water and floats away. I stare at the water and watch the fish swimming below in lazy circles in the place where you took your last breath. I see my own reflection gazing back at me from the clear water, and unease washes over me. I squeeze my eyes shut, erasing the image from my sight. I take slow, deep breaths as I focus on the sound of the rushing water, once a peaceful sound that would calm my nerves. But now all I hear is the sound of the harsh current that dragged you from this life.

A cold breeze licks the back of my neck, bringing with it a nauseating smell of rot that turns my stomach. The temperature drops and I watch my breath plume from my mouth in a dense cloud. And then I hear your voice again, closer than before: “Spend… time…. with… you.” I tense up and can almost feel you behind me, a shiver coursing down my back.

I spin around and see you standing there, close enough to touch, as beautiful as ever. Your deep blue eyes shine as you smile at me, your single dimple pitting your cheek. I reach out to brush your blond hair off your forehead, and a tangled, bloody clump of hair pulls free in my hand. I stare at it in a momentary daze, then look back up at you. Your blue eyes are now a flat, lifeless gray. Pale skin stretches over your bloated face with a deep red gash splitting your forehead. What’s left of your blonde hair is a bloody pulp sticking to your scalp where you smashed into the rocks sticking out of the water below the bridge. You slowly reach your hands out to me as your face rips open in a horrifying grin, water pouring out from between your shattered teeth. “Spend… time…” your voice cracks, your hands inching closer.

My body stiffens as you wrap your decaying arms around me, your fingers popping as they grip the folds in the back of my shirt. You lean your weight into me, pushing me against the broken railing, causing the wood to splinter against my back. I try to free myself from your embrace and watch in disbelief as my hands go right through your transparent form. I try to shove against your face, then your chest, trying to push you away from me, but meet no resistance against my hands. And yet, I can feel your body firm against mine.

The railing snaps behind me and my stomach drops as I begin to fall backwards, your weight on top of me. Your dull eyes lock onto mine as we fall together into the river, my hip shattering on a rock upon impact. The icy water clutches my chest as we slide into the river together. I gasp for air as my head goes under. I thrash just below the surface, reaching my hands up to the bridge that I can still see so clearly through the water, but you continue to drag me under. My hands claw at the cold air until they too are covered in water, knowing they are powerless to pry your clammy hands away from my body. I clamp my mouth shut, saving every ounce of air I can possibly hold on to, frantically glancing at your face, silently begging you to let me go. My chest pounds as the air I’m holding aches to escape, the blood rushing to my head. My ears begin to ring, and I can’t help but let my breath escape in a violent rush. Desperate for air, I suck water into my burning lungs, swallowing more and more every time I hack and gag. My entire body shudders as I heave one last time, failing to breathe in the oxygen I so urgently crave.  

My lungs are so heavy with water that I no longer need your weight to hold me down. My limbs stiffen and my body goes numb, but still, I continue to stare up through the water at the bridge. And as the edges of my vision darken, I see… myself… peering over the edge of the bridge, dropping a piece of yellow ribbon into the river, then looking right at me, submerged in the water. Then you’re there on the bridge, right behind me. Your mouth twists as your lips form the words, “Spend… time…. with… you.” The last few words echo in my mind as darkness closes around me.