The Burden of Being a Parent

Behind the gray clouds, a flash of lightning shoots across the afternoon sky, followed by a low rumble of thunder echoing through the valley. The rain comes down heavily as the yellow taxi drives slow through the residential neighborhood. It finally comes to a stop in front of a brown two story house near the end of the road. The back door opens, and an older gentleman, Charlie, climbs out wearing a wide brimmed hat covering his white hair, a white beard trimmed neatly around his mouth, and a long, tan coat hanging off of his broad shoulders. He shuts the door, waves politely to the driver, then turns back toward the house. He moves to the cement path that cuts through the yard up to the door while admiring the festive decorations. The lawn had two teams of skeletons on a small field, a soccer ball at one’s feet, and two homemade spider web goals on either side. On the porch near the door, sits three carved jack-o-lanterns designed after characters from A Nightmare Before Christmas.

Charlie stops just before the door and takes a deep breath. He removes his hat, then tentatively reaches out an unsteady hand and rings the doorbell. After a short moment, he hears footsteps coming down the stairs, then silence just before the door opens. In the doorway stands a woman in her mid thirties wearing a blue cardigan over a white blouse, with brown hair just touching the tops of her shoulders.

Her eyebrows raise and jaw drops open before her shaky voice comes out. “... Dad?”

“Hey Jess. It’s good to see you.” He smiles softly. “You look great.”

Jessica looks past Charlie’s shoulder for a moment, scanning the yard before she locks eyes with him again. “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you call?” She asks with a stern tone in her voice.

His smile drops and his face becomes more sad. “We need to talk. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure you would agree to meet me… Or even take my call.”

Jessica crosses her arms in front of her chest. “Well you can’t be here. What if the kids saw you?”

“I know, I’m sorry. But I also know that Becca is at dance practice until 6:30, and Matt’s at soccer until 7.” Jessica’s eyes widen again as she’s caught off guard. “Please Jess, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important.”

Her eyes narrow and her jaw clenches. “Fine. You can come in. But it has to be quick.”

“Thank you.” Charlie smiles as he steps into the house and off to the side. He hangs up his coat to dry with his hat on top of it as Jessica closes the door behind him. She walks past him and starts down the hall towards the living room. Charlie follows behind her but stops in the hallway facing the wall. Jessica turns back and sees him studying the pictures hanging up, a sad look on his face. They contain baby pictures of the two kids, photos of the three of them at various events and activities over the years, and two recent pictures with Jessica’s current husband, Derek, in them. On the other wall, pictures of Jessica with her brother Andy, and Derek with his parents. Not one of Charlie.

“How are you and Derek doing?”

“We’re fine.” She says, agitated. He steps toward her, and she turns and continues to the living room where she gestures to the chair. “Do you want water or anything?”

“Uh. No. Thank you.” He says, taking a seat in the recliner. Jessica walks in front of the coffee table where she stops and stands across from him. She crosses her arms and looks at him before her eyes go to the floor.

She sighs. “Derek and I have decided to get a divorce. We haven’t told the kids yet.”

“Oh. I’m really sorry sweetie. I know that’s hard.”

“Yeah.” She looks back up at him with a stern face. “So what’s this about Charlie?”

“You know, there was a time when things were good with us. When we were a family.”

“You mean when you weren’t beating us?” She said with a sharp tone.

Charlie’s eyes were shifting between her and the floor. “Yeah.” He sighs. “You were young. We all were. Your mom and I loved each other, and we loved both of you kids. We worked, we played, we laughed and we cried. But it was always with love. We were happy.”

“That was a long time ago.” Jessica said.

“I’m really sorry sweetie. I hurt you both physically and mentally in ways that have left their mark.”

“What is this?” Jessica asked.

“Wha- what?” The question caught Charlie off guard.

“You think you can come in here and tell me you’re sorry, and everything will be okay?! That I’ll just pretend like it didn’t happen?!” Jessica’s arms dropped and her voice raised as she got more and more upset.

“No, of course n-”

“No! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to just show up here and be a part of our lives! You were supposed to protect us! You were supposed to protect me! And mom, and Andy, but you hurt us! Over and over again until your 16 year old son showed you that he wasn’t gonna take it anymore. And then you left, and haven’t been a part of our family since. So no! I don’t forgive you! And I certainly don’t trust you!”

“I did hurt you!” Charlie raised his voice to match his daughter’s. “I hurt all of you! And I don’t want you to forgive me!” He lowered his voice back to a calm volume. “I don’t forgive myself. I left because I had to protect you from me. But I see now that I stepped too far back, and been gone for far too long. So here I am. Let me at least tell you what happened.”

“Okay Charlie. I’ll listen to what you have to say.” The voices calmed, but the tension remained the same.

“Thank you sweetie.” Charlie sighed before continuing. “You know, your grandfather was a drunk too. When I was growing up, he used to hit the whiskey pretty hard. He kept a bottle on top of the fridge, and when he got home, before he said a word, before he even acknowledged us, he would take a pull straight from it. I hated it. I swore I would never be like that, that I would be different.”

“What happened?” Jessica asked.

“I fell through scaffolding at work. I hurt my back, and my shoulder, I was almost paralyzed. Honestly, I wish I was.” She could see the remorse in his eyes. “For a while, it wasn’t so bad. I was in pain, but the pills helped. I didn’t have to work, and I was able to spend time with you and your brother. But then the lawsuit fell through. The money stopped coming, and your mother, bless her, couldn’t do it on her own. I had to go back to work. The pain became too much, and pretty soon the pills weren’t enough anymore.”

“And that was when the drinking started.” Jessica said calmly.

“Yes.” Charlie looked up at her, then back to the ground. “It didn’t stop the pain, but instead introduced another kind. I couldn’t chase after you guys anymore. I couldn’t laugh or play. I couldn’t face you, and I couldn’t face myself. I had become just like my old man. Bitter, and contempt and full of the deepest kind of shame, right to my soul. It turned into anger, and I hit the bottle harder. The very thing that numbed it made me worse and worse. It wasn’t long until I couldn’t keep that rage inside me anymore. I started yelling. And we started fighting. Before I knew it, or even knew what was happening, I had lost myself. I was a monster.” The silent tears started to come down Charlie’s face.

“Why now? What’s made you come back?” Jessica asked.

“I started seeing you brother again. Talking to him and spending time with him. I wanted to see the kind of young man he had become. I kept my distance from you though. I knew when you had kids, that you wouldn’t want me anywhere near them, and I don’t blame you. But your brother kept me in the loop. Sending me pictures, and giving me updates. And I think we both realized that your damage is deeper than you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“Think about it Jess. First it was Alex, then it was Mike, and now it’s Derek. What did they do wrong?” Charlie asked.

“It just didn’t work out.” Jessica responded, her voice wavering.

“Well that may be true, but I think it’s because deep down, you’re afraid. You’re afraid they’d hurt you like I hurt your mother. Or hurt your kids like I hurt you and your brother. But not everybody is a monster Jess. And even monsters can change.” Charlie reached into his pocket and pulled out a 15 year sobriety coin.

For Jessica, the dam finally broke. The tears started flowing, first slowly then devolving into sobs. Charlie stood up and wrapped his arms around his daughter as she became more hysterical.

“Shhh. It’s okay, baby.” He comforted her with his words while he stroked her head.

“It’s not! I’m tired of being broken! You’re right about Derek. He didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all my fault!” She managed to get out in between sobs.

“No. It’s not sweetheart. It’s mine. I should’ve done this sooner. If I was here, I could’ve seen how much pain you’ve been in. It wasn’t until Andy asked me to come that I finally had the nerve to. I’m sorry Jessica.” Charlie started crying again as well while embracing his daughter. “I love you. I love you both so much.”

As Jessica regained her composure, she looked up into her dad’s eyes. “I love you too. Thank you dad. You were right. I do need you back in my life.”

“Thank you sweetie. I want to get to know you again, and meet my grandchildren, and show you just how much I’ve changed.”

“We’ll have to take it slow, but I’d like that too. What are you doing tomorrow?” Jessica asked.

“I’m going to see your brother.” Charlie said softly.

“Tell him thank you for me. After all these years, he’s still watching out for me.”

“He never stopped.” Charlie said.

The next day, Charlie stepped out of the taxi once more, gave a polite wave to the driver, then turned and walked into a large, gloomy building. He walked straight up to the counter, where a young man was seated. The man noticed Charlie, and smiled.

“Hi, how can I help you?” He asked.

“I’m here to see Andrew Lloyd.” Charlie responded. The man tapped a few times on his computer.

“That’ll be room 308.” He handed Charlie a badge.

“Thank you.” Charlie looked at the badge as he walked away from the desk. It read “Visitor King County Hospital.” He clipped it to the front of his coat as he made his way to the room. He took a deep breath and stepped in through the open door. There, he saw his son lying in the bed, his skin yellow, most of his hair gone, and his eyes unfocused.

“Hey buddy.” Charlie said as he approached the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Heeey dad. It’s good to see you.” Andy said weakly as he turned his head up to look at him.

“You look great. Looking really strong.” Charlie lied.

Andy smiled. “I can still take you.” He laughed a couple times before it turned into a hacking cough.

“Well take it easy, champ.” Charlie put his hand on his son’s shoulder.

“Last night I felt great, but this morning I can hardly move.”

“It’s okay son. Save your strength.”

“Jessica called me last night and told me what happened.” Andy said with a slight wheeze to his voice.

“Oh yeah?”

“Thanks for doing that dad. I know it was hard, but I’m really proud of you.”

“It was a long time coming, but it was thanks to you that I had the courage to do it. And of course, you were right. It’s what she needed.”

“Thank you.” Andy said again, sincerely.

“You know I’d do anything for you guys.”

“I know dad. And she needs you. And I think she’s gonna need you a lot real soon.” He started coughing again.

“Hey. Don’t talk like that. The doctor’s have been saying that it’s not over as long as you don’t give up.” Charlie’s eyes are starting to well up.

“Yeah. I know.” His smile faded from his face. “I love you dad. And Jess loves you too. She just needs time. And I worry this is gonna hit her pretty hard.”

“I love you too Andy.”

“Hey dad?” Andy looked up at Charlie with his half open eyes. “Can you do me one more favor?”

“Anything, son.” He smiled down at him.

“I’m getting cold. Can you tuck me in?”

Charlie was surprised at first, hearing his 41 year old son ask that question for the first time since he was 8. But it reminded him of a better, happier time, before the accident. He relived the fond memories from when there was nothing but love and appreciation between them, and for the first time in a long time, it felt that way again. “Of course.”

Charlie placed his hands at his son’s side, and pressed in, pushing the blanket underneath him. Then he leaned over and did the same to the other side. He placed his hand on Andy’s shoulder again and kissed his son on the forehead, before standing upright. He could hear and feel his breathing slowing down, until it went completely silent. He gripped his shoulder tighter and shut his eyes as he felt the tears start to fall. Then he opened them and saw how peaceful Andy looked, his eyes fully closed and his body finally relaxed. Then, for the last time, Charlie whispered. “Goodnight son.”