The Kitchen Window

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire as the colors of red, orange, and yellow, swirled and followed the gesture of the wind. The old crooked woman seems to rake it, but unfortunately, the winds are stronger, and made her bonnet fly out of her reach. It landed to my hand. I held the old worn out bonnet and gladly approached the woman.

"Here you go, Mrs. Buckely," I said, as I handed her the bonnet.

"Thank you dear, you have such a kind heart," She said in almost a whisper, might be because she has some problems in her speech. I smiled, and headed my way back at the porch.  I watched how each fall sways and falls to the ground. I watch

‘you have a kind heart’ Her words were ringing on and on until I reached the bedroom. Kind heart. Maybe that’s why I’m lonely now. Because I have such a damn kind heart. Sipping coffee, I didn’t notice my tears are falling the book I’m reading. Kind heart. Kind heart. Am I a fool? I closed the book I’ve read a lot of times since last week. It was your last gift to me. It was the last memory I can hug thinking of you. I jumped right to bed and begged the Lord to just give me a few minutes of silence. A few minutes of peace. A few minutes of happiness. Not until I found myself asleep.

__________...

I timidly looked for the alarm clock that shattered my dream.

'I am almost at the peak of the dream! Sh*t.'

With no other choice left, I sit up, and faced a ray of sun sneaking through the curtain of my window. I still want sleep. I really wanted to sleep. I noticed myself having a hard time opening my eyes due to crying endlessly yesterday. I touched my cheeks as I traced back those tracks of tears. They're still there. A smirk escaped from my lips. Tears never fail me.

I stood up and headed downstairs to take a bath. Unheeded, tears are slowly falling down again, as I head towards the stairs. As I slowly take each step, the figures began to replay. I closed my eyes in fear that I'll be seeing them again when all I yearn is to have a rest from these thoughts. Just for an hour. No, maybe a minute can do. Or even a second.

My heart seeks for that "good morning" greeting to cause it to skip a beat and give it a good warmth for the upcoming winter. Grievously, it was gone. He was gone. Today is the 15th of October, this day was supposed to be a celebration, not a day of lamentation. As I opened the old cracked window, the cold breeze rushed through and shivered my body. I forgot; the winds are getting colder. Why did I wear this torn, cream thin shirt?

I headed towards the kitchen straight to the stove. Filling up the broken-nosed kettle with water, I leaned to the countertop and waited for its whistle. Suddenly, the window swung open and a colder wind made me shiver. I quickly embraced myself and got the cardigan that hung behind the door. I went back to the kitchen as the kettle’s whistle got louder. I got the kettle and poured the water on my favorite mug. A bitter smile displayed through my lips as I realize, that, a tablespoon of coffee, the 2 tablespoons of powdered milk, and a tablespoon of sugar was your favorite blend of coffee. I brushed off a tear after mixing them altogether. I looked to my left when I felt a whisper calling my name. Only to find out that it was the wind who had just entered because of the window still wide open. Before I could have my third step, a heard another whisper…

                       “Stacey…”

I looked back, and saw nothing but the window, still, wide open. I was about to turn back, but my feet wouldn’t. They just stick there, as if they want me to watch something. Could it be a nightmare? Or maybe something that would soothe me comfort?

Red, orange, and yellow colors filled the view. The leaves were falling freely, as if they are ordered to glide and swing with the wind. I closed my eyes to feel the how the chirping of birds, and the falling of leaves harmonize all together.

                       “Stacey… I’m here,”

I slowly opened my eyes and tears are beginning to fall down at what I see. It was autumn, 2 years ago.

                       “Honey! Come here! I want to take a picture of you here!” I looked back and ran towards him with a smile.

                       “Honey, look, I saw a flower. Is it beautiful?” He looked to my right hand where the flower is. It’s a small Aster. I picked it up in the pile of leaves we raked earlier in the morning.

                       “No, it isn’t” He smirked.  I frowned.

                       “This Aster is cute. It’s beautiful. How do you say so that it’s not? You’re mean there.” I said, a bit sad and irritated. How could he? This aster is pretty.

                       “it’s not beautiful until,” he paused, and took the flower from my hand. He placed it in my right ear and continued, “It’s with you. Stace, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had. I love you honey.” He planted a kiss in my forehead, to the temple of my nose, and down to my lips. Our 5^th kiss after we got married.

                       “I thought you don’t like the flower,” I said in a bit shameful manner.

                       “Hey, I’ll take a picture of you there in front of the kitchen’s window.”

I headed up to the window and brushed some hair off my face. I arranged my bangs as perfectly as possible.

                       “Show the flower Stace,” He said, before looking into the camera. I arranged the flower and smiled.

                       “One, Two, Three, smile!”

                       “Let me see, let me see?” I ran back to him and asked for the picture. Before he let me see the picture, he took the Aster from my ear and said, “I will keep this. If ever I let go of this, that means, you are not my love anymore. But of course, that will never happen honey.” I smiled and blushed. He shakes it a bit and the picture become clearer and clearer.

                       “You are so love-”

The chirping of birds came back. The leaves were still falling. They are still in harmony. I blinked one more time and realized that the flashback was finished. I put down the mug and head to the window. I touched each sides of the window. I was about to close it when a red autumn leaf fell to the window. I picked it up and stared at it carefully.  

“Adam,” I mumbled.

I closed the windows in fear that someone would see me crying. Instead of heading back to my bedroom, I went to the living room and sat on the sofa. I reached a CD beneath the wooden table in the middle and inserted it in the player. This is what we were supposed to be doing today. To celebrate our anniversary. We should be 3 years. I watched as how I, in my grandest gown, walk through the aisle, and meeting you on the end. I bitterly watched, how we shared our vows. Our vows that was true and sincere before. But now, forgotten, and rejected. I took a sip of coffee and tearfully watched the rest of the wedding. The first kiss we shared. I closed my eyes to again feel that sweet kiss.

I turned off the tv and stared blankly at the ceiling. In a second, whispers are beginning to fill the atmosphere. I narrowed my eyes to picture that whisper. Without further ado, the surroundings seem to swirl and circle round about me. I held my head but I have to keep on looking. I cannot tell why is this happening to me.

                       “Adam, honey, don’t leave me please.” I followed him to the bedroom and tried to stop him from packing up his garments. My plead seems to fall on deaf ears and he was not stopped. He put everything in his suitcase and ignored me while going downstairs.

                       “Adam, listen to me please? Why, why are you like this? Please…” I grabbed his arm and he stopped. He looked at me with irritation. With blurry eyes, I saw him, trying to entangle my hands from him.

                       “We’re over.” He said, as he entangles my hand from his arm. He let go of my hand and stopped near the countertop. He looked at his left hand and narrowed his eyes when he sees the ring in his hand. I grabbed my last chance.

                       “You vowed to me remember? You promised me. Y-you told m-me th-that you’ll n-never l-leave me, it’s still not too late. You can tell me. You can tell me how I will fix this. I can fix this,” I paused, and approached him, hugging him from the back. I continued while having a hard time breathing, “We can still fix this.” I whispered. I felt his tear fell off and reached my hand wrapped around him. He held my hand tightly.

                       “I’m sorry honey,” He said. “I’m so sorry,” He moved around and faced me. He cupped my cheeks and let go of his suitcase.

                       “I’m so sorry honey. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry Stace.” He said. He kissed my forehead. I leaned my head to his right hand. I closed my eyes as I expect him to kiss the temple of my nose. But he didn’t.  

                       “But this love we feel is finished. I’m sorry.” He held back and went to the door. I didn’t open them in fear that I might pass out seeing him walking away towards the door. He’s out of our home. Out of our house. Out of my life. I looked blankly and saw the ring. Why didn’t I notice that he took off the ring from him? I run off and followed him through the door, but found him gone in any direction. I headed to the kitchen and looked through the window to know if he had crossed the street. But I didn’t.



I blinked as I try to ease the memories circling around. I held both sides of head as I try to shake those painful moments of fall. The leaves were circling, and in a blink of an eye, you joined the wind and flew away of my life. Sweats forming from my forehead, I finally opened my eyes, in reality where there is lamentation, in reality that you never came back from the autumn leaves. The reality that you didn’t even looked back for the last time and maybe waved your hand for the announcement of your goodbye. The ceiling was back to normal. The coffee is still beside me. The tv wasn’t turned on. And I am still grieving, although it was 3 days ago.

For the nth time, I looked to the kitchen window. The bottom left part of its glass was already cracked because of the storm. I sighed heavily and saw the smoke. It’s getting colder. It will all soon be pale. It will all soon be hardened and frozen. The atmosphere would soon bring my sorrows and chills to reality.

I watched as how the leaves of red, yellow, and orange fall like rain. I took the sip and watched the kids play and gamble all the piled leaves by their parents. I smiled bitterly. I saw the leaves swirled and circled through the middle of our front yard. I narrowed my eyes in amusement as such seeing an unfamiliar motion of the wind.

I took another sip of coffee when the mug slipped from my hands, causing it to fall on my dress, messing up my clothes, and bleeding my feet. But it’s not that painful like what I am feeling right now. Tears slowly fall down again as I recognize the person coming out of the circling leaves. It was him. The pain begins to roll away. The smile widened and widened up to my ear. I forgot I’m bleeding. I forgot all those flashbacks. I held the window pane tightly. He’s smiling. I knew, deep in my heart, autumns are the best season of all. Autumn is the most memorable of all.

The pain starts to rise up. Again. The tears started to run like rivers. Again. The leaves keep on swirling and circling around him until, an unfamiliar shadow appeared beside him. His smiles widened. The figure clung its hands around his arms. It leaned its head to Adam’s broad and muscular shoulders. As the leaves were on fire, continuing to circle the figure, I river ran again. The sharp drops of leaves fell. The swirl gently disappeared upwards to thin air, revealing the person its hiding. A shiny figure dazzled my eyes, causing me to narrow that blurry vision. A ring, was found, in their hands. I looked down my hands and spotted the thing that flew off from the pile of leaves. With trembling hands, I reached for it and in no time, recognized. It was a withered Aster.