Beyond

I'm dead yet still living or maybe I'm living, now that I am dead would be a right way to frame this. 

What could be life changing than being dead? To live. Which I didn't or maybe I did. But I don't feel like I did, so I didn't. Then why didn't I if I knew I didn't. Because I couldn't. Why couldn't I ? Well, we'll just keep on circling. Let's get on with it. My body and mind finally feel light for one thing now at least.

It has been a week since my little pathetic funeral and I'm still wandering in my town as I always did. 

Thought I'd feel something different, but no, its the same old life. People didn't know if I existed back when I was alive and so do now.

Except for the fact that I don't feel hungry anymore. I don't understand this death. Thought I'd reach heaven since I lived a pathetic harmless life when I was alive not hurting a soul or maybe not being able to hurt a soul. Thought I'd get these bonus points when others hurt me. But no, I soon realize that Death isn't so peaceful after all and that it's some kind of life in some other dimension. But what troubles me is that I find no one else like me wandering in here. But it doesn't really matter actually. I've been by myself all my life. My childhood was fun though people would call me all these names weirdo, psycho, loser, loner, ghost, freak.. Oh it was fun, they knew that I existed until I was 16 and killed some guy. It wasn't really a sin. He was a nice guy I thought, I confessed it to the father in our church. 

And he informed the police and I got food free of cost and shared a space with many other guys after that. It was fun indeed for a while till some Peter or Jack hung himself and wrote down my name in a little note.

Stating that I wasn't friendly with him. Poor guy! Oh God! or should I say Satan now. Guess, I've become almost delusional, I was the one who put that note in his pocket after all. 

How long. How long. How long ? 

I walked down the street to my apartment. Someone had already shifted in. I didn't want to enter though. So I don't. Snoopy seems to be waiting for my leftovers at the trashcan just like the other day. Wish he'd die and join me. Though I doubt he'd join me even if he's dead.

Makes me wonder how she's doing by herself now, the only person who knew my name. If only she'd have attended my funeral would I have been free? What does being Free even mean though.

I sat down by the coffee shop finally which I always hesitated to enter because of the cashier. She was nowhere today, though anxious if someone would occupy the seat in front of me.

Oh! Guess I can finally put my legs up on the table and vibe. I don't know what vibe means to be honest. Kids these days seem to be using that word a lot. How do I know? Come on. I use strangers.com websites. Pretending to be cool. For a minute at least until the one on the other side disconnects. 

Wish I could have a coffee. I get out strolling again on the streets. The vehicles horn in lunacy. Yeah I do hear and smell ofcourse.

What? Who the hell knows why. Come on, I'm a weirdo. Isn't it. Anything weird can happen with me. 

Oh! You find it fascinating? Wish we'd have met earlier then.

I go past the strangers I always went past for the last 2 years. An old lady with floral pattern skirts and the same rugged straw hat with a bunch of flowers in her hand. White Lillies always and Red roses sometimes along with them. Wonder where she's going. 

Oh! I can follow her now. Can't I? 

I'm not a stalker though. What's up with that face now. I don't want to, alright? 

I come across this droopy man in pressed up grey or black suits. Come on. I get to say people things too. He's droopy. I maybe too. 

Alright alright. I am. 

He always seems to be cursing someone on his mobile. It's his wife when he's silent on the mobile though. That I'm sure of. 

"Hii droopy man!" 

Whoa. Now that was unexpected. He turned back. Though he's back on his mobile again.

What now? You want me to take a look around and tell you what I see?

Just the normal everyday scenery. What's up with the eye roll. Alright alright.

Yellow three wheeler autos stalled right across the road in protest. Making a commotion. Something about the harassment of the police. That's what the placards say at least.

It's noisy, pollution as always. A little girl crying. Horns blaring. Crows cawing irrespective of it. 

Oh! Someone just fell from his motorcycle. Of course he's dead. What? You want me to explain you in detail?

I'm not gonna bother. He's not moving. A guy in floral pattern shirt with a straw hat picked him up.

Let's get on with it. Where am I even headed to? Let's just walk a little further. Don't bother find any excuses. You don't have much to do anyway.

Further down the street is my favorite place. You guessed right. It's the Park. A normal park with creeps and children.

Let's just step on the yellow granite on the checkered pathway. Why? Just like that.

The air feels fresh here. Not really. It just feels the same as the ruckus outside. Just wanted to say it feels fresh like anyone. 

It's empty today. Might be because of that strike. Though that kid in ragged clothes is asleep as usual over his spot. 

You want to know who he is? You know him! Alright Mr.Shorttime memory, I'll tell u again. 

Just an any other orphan. Snoopy's pal too though. 

You mean, Did I ever talk to him?What do you think ?

I left him my lunch box once. Not in person obviously. Just put it on the bench when he was seeing. Snoopy was finishing the box instead when I came back and he apologized with a sorry for his dog when he saw me. 

Snoopy, he called that dog. I didn't say anything in reply. Just looked at him and walked away. He smiled at me the next time I went to the park. I didn't go to the park again until now. 

Why, you ask? 

Oh, look! It's the Blue jay bird again. Let's follow it. Come on. 

It's pretty fast. We've lost it. Where are we now again? Just an other street. 

Right in front of the publishing studio. Wish they'd publish my poem. I sent it only to Lily, the day before I died after a lot of procrastination. Yeah.. I do write and read. That's all I did when I was doing my time in jail.

I hear someone Sob. 

Oh, you want to know Did I really kill a guy? What do you think now? 

It doesn't really matter now, what good comes of knowing a dead person. You think you'll learn from my mistakes?

Don't kid yourself. We're the creatures of doom. 

Existential crisis is the word you're searching to label me with. Don't work yourself up. 

Label me if it makes you feel better. 

How long. How long. How long? 

Wish I knew address to the place of the girl who knows my name. She's a stranger, A stranger I met on a website. She gave me her number easily but didn't tell me her name. I call her Lily though. I mean text. Three texts per day. A good morning. A good afternoon and a good night. She texts me back the same with a smiley thing at the end. 

I just came across her on the website, a week before I was dead. Wonder how she looks like. It doesn't really matter. Just curious. I might have even come across her in real. I don't know. It could be that woman stuck up in the traffic looking out through her window. 

That woman is cursing now. Terrible curses. You don't wanna hear. Let's just hope it isn't her at least. 

Let's just walk, there's nothing to talk now. It's twilight already. 

I sit down in a plastic chair on the sidewalk set up with a plastic table by a little cafe for plastic people passing by. I sat down flexing my legs. Taking in the aroma of the coffee. It's pure bliss now. Someone sat down in front of me noisily pulling his chair out. Ordered two coffees. Cappuccino he ordered. Staring at me now. 

"Whom were you talking to all day, looking at your pocket?"

"My Pocket, ofcourse."

"Here, have your cappuccino," he offered pushing it roughly across the table spoiling the image, cappuccino is known for.

"Thank you, but I don't accept anything from a stranger. " 

" I'm no stranger. Don't you know who I am? "

" I do ofcourse. I just always wanted to say that dialogue, No stranger ever offered me anything for that matter. "

He laughs and sips his cappuccino. 

"How do you know who I am? "

" Come on dude, You're a pathetic stalker, thought I finally lost you at the dead motorcycle guy."

"I'm a regular Dude now? I did pretty well, man. It's a busy Job. " 

"I always wanted to call someone a dude too," I say, "What's up with the floral shirt and a straw hat though? I'd prefer you with a reaper instead. "

"It's hot, what do you expect? I don't carry a reaper, okay!" he sighs, 

"Finish your cappuccino, Thought that was your dying wish."

"Oh, I don't particularly remember but thanks."

I feel the taste for once. The rich coffee on my tongue, The thick aroma filling my nose. The warmth of the hot ceramic cup. Cream whirling in without me turning it with a spoon. Pulling my eyes into it and he spoiling the scene with his heavy slurps right across me when I was having a moment.

"What took you so long to find me?" I ask. 

"You don't have a presence man, no offense. I couldn't feel your aura or whatever."

"What finally gave away my presence then?" 

"Some old lady put a Red rose on your grave, not particularly yours anyway. It just happened to be beside her husband's grave I presume."

"Oh is that how this works?" I ask

"It has its ways even I'm not sure of, I'm just a delivery guy after all."

"Alright whatever, I'm done with my cappuccino." I sigh.

"Why the pocket though? Why were you talking to it." he asks taking his last sip. 

"That's where my heart resides isn't it?"

"But don't you think your heart already stopped a week ago?" he raises his brow. 

"You mean to say, no one heard me?" I simply ask.

"They did hear though, The guy who lost his life in the accident and the crying little girl you came across in the protest," he sighs, "Dead people hear dead people within a range, Come on man! there are much logistics involved."

"Oh I see, I didn't hear them though."

"It's because they don't have anyone else to talk to, unlike you who have yourself." he smiles, "I'll pay up, you wait by the Auto right over the street."

I stand in silence waiting for the red light to cross the road. I just can't cross it without a red light or a zebra crossing even if I try. I look at him. It's not just the floral shirts. He's wearing floral shorts too. The coffee cup I drank in is full as it was. Next to it, were two cookies and a donut now.

"Give them to the boy right over there," he tells the waiter pointing his finger at the orphan kid from the park who was just a few feet away looking at the table hungrily. I didn't notice him. Snoopy was there right behind him. It was barking at me now. I'm sure of it. Guess I have someone to bid my goodbye. Goodbye Snoopy. 

I'm finally able to cross the road without bothering about the lights and get into the Yellow Auto. Some guy sat in the back. It must probably be the motorcycle guy. His face dug in his laps, I can hear him sob. 

The floral shirt guy comes over at last settling in his driver seat. Setting up the ignition. 

" We've gotta pick up the little girl from the stampede first lads," he shrugs looking at the sobbing guy through the rear mirror. 

"Where are we headed to later ?" I ask, as he revs up.

"Beyond," he smiles. 

"Beyond," I whisper, falling into a trace resting my head softly on the seat..

Suspended in this hollow space in my heart. Little fists caught in a gist, in a beyond world that's beyond me.

Chained to souls that aren't I, can't I ignore what's a part of me and let go, as I drift adrift. Run and dive into the moment sea but I'm lost in thoughts, found in sleep..

In a Beyond world that's beyond me.

Strolling past under these clear skies, so faking bright that's blinding me. Little cats and rodent rats walking past to their holes at last but I'm lost in thoughts, found in sleep..

In a beyond world that's beyond me. 

Stitching aughts(zeros) that are thoughts endlessly in a timeless dream, standing still in this quizzing thrill amongst castles of sand left on shore but I'm lost in thoughts, found in sleep..

In a beyond world that's beyond me. 

Serene swirls swept ashore whirling winds within me, mirror's black as I realize . Am I blind or is that me? Burning sun like a cigarette tip between my fingers devouring me. Smoking it off, let us see Who lasts. Is that we or a piece of me? But I'm lost in thoughts, found in sleep..

In a beyond world that's beyond me. 

Sailing mers through these blurs to the shore that's never reached, finding 'I' that was never there. Climbing stairs boundlessly unaware to nowhere. Let me previse what's beyond me when I'm lost in thoughts, found in sleep..

Open your eyes to the bawling kid in your hollow heart, little fists clenched tight. 

Fingers lurched at your touch. Lost is found, halt your search. But will he last in this winter scourge. Freezing further at your breath. Let it break little still to let in light melt age-old ice, flow scouring streams through your veins withered in pain. Flood with blood once again, blooming memories you never sowed. Lost in thoughts, found in sleep..

In a beyond world that's within you.