Never meant to be seen!

Hi, my name's Ella and I've just finished writing a story, well I call it a story but it's more of a diary. It starts out with the diaries I had under my bed. I'm not publishing though....they are far too intimate for that. I'm not ready to feel this again, but maybe I never stopped.

I thrive on loneliness, I'm studying open learning and work in the local library, sounded by other people's stories when I've got my own story ,but still quietly unable to share my own.

I joined a site as part of my open learning, the story was a prompt " write a story that no-one will ever read". I submitted it annonimisely , but it still got linked to a self publishing site, but I'm sure no-one will read it. It's just about my life but there are some deeply personal things in it.... like my mother, a great artist, who left us without a trace when I was in my teens ( I'm in my early 20s now).

I submitted it, as I've said, annonimisely, but the feedback from my tutor was overwhelming! She said it was, quote " authentic, compelling and worth publishing" so now it's out there, but I'm sure nothing will come of it.

I'm worried about any negative feedback though, I mean I've submitted it as a fictional story, but I'm worried about people I know reading it and realising it's mine, I mean - if they love me now, will they still love me after they know it's me who wrote it?

Then I get an email from someone who says the story resonates with them and wants to know if it is truly fictional, or if it is in fact, autobiographical. I put it to the back of my mind until I start receiving emails all the time, day and night it seems - my story is getting attention and I'm not sure how to feel about it.....I only meant for the thing to exist in private, but now it's a thing I can't control.

The readers of my story are interpreting it in so many different ways - some find it soothing and cathartic, almost a comfort to them, but others are full of outrage, do I owe them anything?

Not only that but people close to me who have read it feel extremely hurt by what's written in the story, recognising themselves even though I changed the name - is the story still mine, even though now it's everyone else's?

They have also found out my real name, even though I submitted it annonimisely - how did that happen! I feel simultaneously thrilled yet invaded - I'm not going to reply, not yet.

Feeling overwhelmed and invaded, I pull the story down, but I'm suddenly inundated with emails - some sad, some angry. This backlash forces Ella to realise how much her story matters to others, and how little control she has over the matter.

A digital forum starts talking about the stories themes, and a reader ( my old friend Helen) recognises themselves in the story, and not in a flattering light. Oh damn it, it was never meant to get this far!

I decide it's time to own up that it's me, what else can I do? So I set up a podcast and decide to own up to it. It's went too far, and I need to own up to it, and deep down I'm hoping that my mother will see it and get in touch. It's a hopeless wish, but one I can't help but hope for.

Ok, podcast done, and I've just been inundated with emails and texts. My brother, - who I never suspected of listening to the podcast - is angry with me as his version of our growing up has been twisted, or worse, exposed! This thing is getting out of hand....I'm getting emails constantly now, from people who loved my story - although the first question they always ask is " is this an autobiography?" I answer those emails and lead them to my podcast. Others are just weirdos or people who are angry at me for reasons of their own. There's one guy who has fallen in love with the fictional Ella.

My brother and I meet up to compare memories and, neither of us are wrong, but neither of us are right either. Ella rewrites her autobiography, adding in a few of her mothers good points as, her brother Laughlin, is 3 years older than her and can remember more of what her mother was like before she disappeared from their lives.

6 months later;

Ella is sitting in her local bookshop and is doing a first reading of her book under her real name, now called ' half truths '.

Her tutor Rory and even Lachlan is in the audience, the place is packed out and people are even standing to hear her read as their was not enough seats.

She smiled as she looks down at her book, then gets ready to read a few chapters when a woman walks in. It can't be cancelled it?! Yes, it's definitely her mother!

She stands at the back, as if not wanting to be noticed, but I've seen her now and she keeps her eyes on me and doesn't look away. I began reading chapters from my book, making sure to add in the story of my mother just disappearing from our lives and how it's affected me.

After my reading I'm supposed to sit down and sign the books people have brought with them but I head straight to my mother - but she's not there! I'm not letting her slip away from us again, and she was here a few minutes ago so she couldn't have got far. I run from the room, and catch her as she is just leaving the bookshop " mum!" I shout, and she turns round. I can see she's been crying " mum, please don't just walk away from us again, we need to chat but I've got a book signing that I can't get out of, please come back in with me, it'll only take half an hour at the most then we can go for a coffee and have a talk, ok" she nodded and with tears in her eyes she said " I'm so sorry Ella, I didn't mean to leave without a word and I didn't know it had affected you so much until I read your story online- I knew instantly that it was you and I've been following you ever since" " ok, look, we'll talk about it after the signing ok?"

I finished the signing as quickly as I could, but there were more than 50 people there and some wanted a personal message or a book signed for someone else, so it was closer to an hour before Ella could take her mother to a coffee shop down the road - and they just sat looking at eachother for a few minutes, taking eachother in. Then Ella asked the question - why did you leave the way you did? Her mother was quiet for a moment then she started to speak. Apparently after Ella's father had died suddenly she had got herself into another relationship, as the heartbreak was so strong she just fell into another relationship to help ease the loneliness - but the guy turned out to be a bad un, and quickly started to take all of her money and was verbally and physically abusive towards her. - the last straw was when he wanted her to sleep with other men for money. He said if she didn't then he'd get her lovely 14 year old daughter into it " fresh meat" is what he called her, said he'd make a fortune passing Ella around as a virgin . She decided then and there that she had to leave. She couldn't put her lovely daughter in that type of danger and the whole thing had messed with her mental health so she needed to get help for that. She was planning to start a new life then come back for Ella and Lachlan once she was settled, but she never got that far. She'd been living in hostels and had help from women's aid. She found herself homeless but had been staying in a series of b&b's and hostels right up until now. When she googled Ella and found the podcast she was astonished that she'd wrote it all down and was now getting a book published.

Ella sat listening to her mother telling her story and her stoney heart melted at each revelation.

Now that she was making money from her books selling, she'd moved into a spacious 2 bedroom flat and asked her mother if she would like to move in with her. Her mother was taken back , but she said she would love that if Ella truly meant it!

2 months later;

Now Ella and her mother had been living together and are talking about putting the true story in a second book that Ella has been commissioned to write. It will be a far cry from the first one, with truths about why her mother left and how they found eachother again!