Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

Smoke on the horizon. My husband learned me to say that to myself, said if I could see it, he was on his way. He told me what horizon meant. I promised him I'd be waiting. I thought there'd be more people on the dock but I'm early. I need to see my George. He's been a clerk in the Second Class Purser's Office on different ships for years but no more.

I'd usually come to wave him off. I'd really wanted to, what with this being his last time, but I couldn't. I hated he worked at sea but while he was away I kept those personal times when we were together close to my heart. Kissing wasn't polite in public, he said, so we had to do that somewhere private before he went on board.

Why did someone like George who's so clever go for a girl like me? I never went to school. I'd to look after my Ma who was ill. I ain't got no Pa, never did. I've not got no book-learning, can't read or write or do sums. He could have a girl with brains, but he loves me with all his heart and I love him back. He tells me off for saying I've got no brains. He says I'm clever in other ways, practical ways hoity-toity posh girls haven't a clue about.

George's family, who had a bit of money, didn't want him to marry a common girl like me. They didn’t understand, but we are so in love.

They wouldn't even come to see us get wed. I'd never been in church before. It was just us, a pal from the ship and his girl. I didn't know Lucy but she was a good bridesmaid and is still my friend. After the church we went to a tea shop. We did it all on the cheap to save our money. For a rainy day George said. I didn't know what he meant.

I go to church on my own when he's away. I know a bit about Scriptures from my Ma but she was too ill to take me. I like it there, the stories and the singing. On one of his trips my lovely husband bought me a necklace with Jesus on it to keep me safe.

He said his family didn't matter. He knew he loved me and I loved him. If his family didn't like it they could lump it. He says they might change their minds when the little one is born.

Yes, I'm in the family way. George says it's 'I'm with child'. He's trying to get me to speak more posh. Don't care how you say it, the waves moving make me sick and I have to find a place to throw up.

I'd never go on a ship like George but he says, "I've been on them so long Maria I don't even notice the waves. My favourite part is being up on deck in the dark watching all the hundreds of stars twinkling. Makes me think of your song and I feel closer to you, no matter where in the world I am. It's the toffs looking down their noses at me I can't stand."

He was glad this was his last voyage. He's so clever he got an office job instead with the shipping line, more money too, so we could be a family together.

"Six kids," he’d said.

I said we'd see. Six! I wished being sick would stop but I knew I'd feel better when his arms were round me.

There was a cold wind blowing in off the sea. My poor feet were numb, boots borrowed so I could look smart. My clothes were old but I kept them all looking tip-top and I always wore gloves so people couldn't see how red raw my hands were. I knew what George meant about the toffs. I'd been a maid of all work since I was twelve. I was supposed to be invisible. 'A dirty little urchin.' That's what they’d called me when they took me in. The cheek! If they were real toffs they'd have a houseful of maids, not just me.

My Ma had died so I was an orphan but my Uncle got me the job. I have to be up at five and don't get to bed till midnight. I do the house right through every day, cleaning out fireplaces, laying new fires, lighting them, cleaning, most times on my knees, cooking, washing up, laundry. I hate it. When George starts his new job I'll leave. Our marriage is secret. You can't be a married servant.

If they knew I was with child I'd be sacked on the spot. I made sure my clothes were looser so I wasn't showing. When George gets here we have plans. We'll move to a nice place and I’ll have my own home to look after.

Away with the fairies I hadn't noticed Ellen arrive at my side. She talked a lot, chattering away all the time. I wasn't really listening till I heard her say, "George will be here soon!"

This made my stomach turn over and I thought I was going to be sick again.

Ellen might be more respectable than me but she wasn't very bright and she'd been to school! She wasn't in service, she was a seamstress working from home and her husband Albert travelled selling diaries. We'd met them at the Music Hall one night. Music Halls were nice places now, not rowdy like my Ma had told me. She'd been a singer when she was younger and always got rude words or even tomatoes chucked at her. These days even the toffs went. My Ma would have loved it. I do miss her. She would have loved George.

Ellen and Albert were in the seats in front of us and we got chatting after. That was three months since and we're good friends now. My husband told me not to say I was a servant. He told them his job meant I didn't need to work. We never met at each other's houses so they didn't find out it was all a lie. We hated doing it but George said it was alright as it was just a white lie. Finding friends was hard when we came from different classes.

I'd been so grateful when Ellen said she'd meet me. It felt rude not listening to her chattering. She was talking about the baby. Her and Albert had been married three years, wanting one but nothing had happened. I'd fallen on a month after the wedding.

"What does it feel like Maria, to have a little life moving inside you? Does it keep you awake at night?"

"Sometimes but I don't mind. George was with me when it happened for the first time. It was such a special moment." I had to remember to reply in my posh voice with posh words. “When the baby gets too restless I sing to it to send it off to sleep. The baby likes Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. George loves it too. He says I’m a good singer but I get that from my mother. She could have been a professional before she was married.” Another lie but closer to the truth. Ma used to sing in church before I was born and my Uncle told me she had the voice of an angel. It was my being born made her ill. I hate that I did that to her but she hadn’t learned me to be a liar.

"Ooh you must be so excited," chirped Ellen. "George will be here soon!" She squeezed my hand as she said it, a big smile on her face.

The dock had been filling up with people. Lots of people. Some of the kids had balloons. I saw something far out to sea. Then I saw the smoke! It was a ship and it was getting closer.

"George will be here soon!" said Ellen. Again. I felt like saying ‘change the record darlin' and would have done, before I met him when he'd learned me what wasn't polite.

The crowd was cheering and waving flags. When it got proper close the ship would be brought in by tugboats. My George told me that. He's been all round the world. I'm so proud of him but I miss him bad when he's away.

When the ship docked the crowd went mad. All those bodies rushing and shoving. I couldn't fight them. I couldn't hold on to Ellen's hand either. I got pushed to the ground and kicked. No-one saw. Where was Ellen? I lay where I fell till I could crawl somewhere safe then all around went black.

When I come round two men were standing over me, the crowd gone. One man said his name was Fred. He worked on the dock. He'd found me. The other was a Doctor. He'd come on the ship.

"What's your name?" Fred asked. His voice was kind.

"Mrs Maria Talbot," I said, proudly.

"Can I call you Maria?"

I nodded through the dizziness.

"Have you seen my friend Ellen? She came with me. Lost her in the crowd I did."

"She had a bit of a funny turn too. Here she comes."

She was so tall I'd to tip my head back to see her face. It made me dizzy again.

"I'm sorry we were parted but that crowd, phew! They all rushed to the ship at the same time. I didn't even see you fall. I just knew you'd disappeared."

The Doctor told Ellen she should walk up and down a bit by the sea and get some fresh air. I was glad she wouldn't be chattering on again. Sometimes it made my ears hurt.

He told me he needed to take me to his house close by so he could look at me properly. I knew what that meant and I burst into tears. My dream of having kids might be gone.

Then it hit me.

"You just came in on that ship Doctor?"

He nodded.

"Then where's my George? He's due home today and I can't read or write so he made me say the time and date over and over again and the dock number so I wouldn't forget." I was safe to say these things with Ellen out of the way.

"There's no one left," said Fred. "That ship is the Celtic. It shouldn't be here at all but it had to turn back after five days as it needed repairs."

I can’t read words but I can read faces and I caught a glimpse of a very odd look coming over Fred's. He called the Doctor to a few feet away. I could tell they were talking about me but I couldn't hear what they were saying.

They came back and the Doctor asked, "Can you stand up? Give me your hands and I'll help you."

I stood up but my legs wouldn't hold my weight. Fred caught me and carried me in his arms. The Doctor led the way with Ellen close behind. I was even more glad now that she'd come. It wouldn't have felt proper to have been in a strange man's house alone. Fred lay me down gently on the Doctor's sofa. He said he hoped I would be alright then he left.

The house was beautiful. Oh to be so well off! I saw the room was quite dusty. The Doctor needed a better housemaid but I was only trying to take my mind off the baby and George being missing.

"Maria. Now you're more comfy on my sofa I'd like to feel your stomach. Nothing to be alarmed about. I'll only use two fingers and I won't press hard. Relax and tell me if it hurts."

“Ah!” I screamed. He was so gentle but it did hurt.

"Don't start worrying yet. That might be the pain from being kicked. I'm going to have to examine you properly. I'm sure you won’t have had anything like this done before but please don't be afraid or embarrassed. I am a qualified Doctor and this is what I need to do.”

It all sounded very frightening but he had nice eyes and I trusted him. He asked me to bend my knees and relax while he lifted up my skirts. No-one but my husband had ever seen me down there before. I knew there must be blood as I could feel the wetness. Very gently he cleaned me up and said there was only a bit. He said I'd had something called a show and told me it was normal.

"Now I have to tap all over your stomach. This will tell me which position the baby is lying in so I can listen to its heartbeat.”

The tapping didn't hurt at all. "Next as I know roughly where your baby is, I have to use this funny looking instrument. Don't look so worried, it's just so I can hear. I'll put one end on your stomach and the other to my ear. This bit definitely won't hurt,"

He was right but I was worried that he seemed to move the instrument around for a while.

Then he said, "I’ve found it! Not quite where I expected it to be but I can tell you Maria that your baby is alive and well and has a very strong heartbeat. If there's any more bleeding go see another Doctor but don't panic because it might just be another show. Personally I think in about four months time you will be holding a happy, smiling baby!" He smiled himself and it was as if the sun had come out after being stuck in the shade.

"Our baby is alright!" I said to Ellen who was also smiling. "Now we just have to find George. He will be so happy and I'm happy that I'll never have to stand on that dock again. It was a horrible experience."

"Thank you so much Doctor. Is it alright if my husband pays you when he turns up?" I asked.

"Oh don't worry about that. I'm just so pleased that I was there in the right place at the right time to help you Maria. The fact that you and your baby are both well is payment enough."

Tears started rolling down my cheeks. "I don't know what to say. I'm so grateful and you are such a kind man. Can I ask what your first name is? If it's a boy I'd like to name it after you."

His smile got bigger. "I would like that," he said. "I'm William Joseph, whichever you prefer. Now Mrs Talbot. Time for tea before you go. Just to make sure your dizziness has stopped."

Then he sat me up and told me not to move. He quickly brought some strong tea and cake. Again no servant. I was discombobulated to be waited on by a Doctor! It was a new word George had learned me to make me smile. Maybe it was the jolt of that memory that started another.

"Doctor, I've just remembered the name of the ship!" I was sure that now we'd get to the bottom of why George wasn't on the dock but then there was that strange look again and the Doctor put his arm around my shoulder. He gently began to explain why my husband would never be coming home along with hundreds of other people who had drowned when the Titanic hit the iceberg.