Monster in the Mind

Colleen’s eyes radiated with the joy of a good day. The mid-afternoon sun and the cheeriness of the sunflowers blooming in their yard made her crave for an extension of this day like the old days. She had never been one hide away on the farm for days, let alone weeks, on end. Maybe just a quick trip to town, she thought with a shrug of her shoulders. She knew her husband didn’t like her to go out by herself, but today is different. The dry grass crunched beneath her feet as she crossed the yard between her pottery studio and house.

She reached the front door and grabbed the truck keys from the not-quite-round, rather thick, very brightly painted pottery bowl one of the kids made her for Mother’s Day years ago. Colleen’s eyebrows flashed upward. She smiled slyly, and exchanged the truck keys for the ones that would start the old black Firebird with the gold Screaming Chicken on the hood.

“We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done” she joyously sang to herself, peeling out the lane to make the 20 mile trip into town.

She had no real need for anything but to visit, so she made a few stops where she knew people would be, the grocery store, post office, bank, and finally, the little ice cream shop for a treat.

“Hey Mrs. G!” came a chorus of young voices from a side table. 

“Girls! How are you all? How is your team doing this year?” She listened intently as they spoke about their classes and their latest game against their rival. Every time she heard “Mrs. G” a sense of pride washed over her. Being a teacher and mom in this small Saskatchewan town meant she also coached or managed different teams. Most of the kids took to calling her Mrs. G, a sign of affection while still respectful enough for the classroom. She hadn’t been ready for retirement at 53, and it hasn’t been an easy transition. Visiting with her students was the pinnacle of her day.

Colleen was giddy as she turned toward home. She felt as carefree as those students. Somewhere between 16 and her mid-20’s she took for granted the freedom a car brings. Her disease was not so advanced yet that she couldn’t still have some independence! Screw Curtis, she thought, saying I shouldn’t drive any more. He just wants me to shrivel in a facility. Maybe if he picked up some slack it would be fine!

She turned up the radio and let Bon Jovi sing to her in the fresh autumn afternoon. She belted out every word to “Living on a Prayer”. Raising her arm triumphantly she said aloud,

“Fuck you dementia! So what if I have trouble remember some things, I remembered every lyric! Today I rule the day!” She shouldn’t have called the monster by name. Her thoughts vanished like a finished puzzle being pushed off the edge of a table, pieces piled haphazardly. She could see the portion of a picture, but unable to see how they to fit together. Colleen’s pulse quickened and she felt a familiar wave of panicked heat flush through her chest and face. The Blank Moment.

Nothing looked familiar. No, no, no, NO! Today had been going so well! Which way is home? And how much further? Surely, I’m on the right road? Did I turn before my Blank Moment? Oh please God. None of this looks right. Her heart sank to her stomach, which was already occupied by the self-loathing that comes when her brain turns against her. The two erupted together into an intense anger.

“Bloody hell!” She slammed the radio off, her eyes wide as she wildly checked her mirror and the landscape for something to trigger her memory. Anger and anxiety always fought for supremacy in her brain when the Blank Moment created its power vacuum by taking away her logic. Colleen’s thoughts raced, what is Curtis going to do when he finds out, one, that I took the car, and two, that I got lost. I’m SO STUPID! He’ll want to put me in a home for sure! Although she was only in the early stages, they were already fighting over how and when she would get care as her dementia progressed. Her independence was an integral part of her identity, and she would rather die than lose that.

“I will NOT live with old people and be forgotten!” she smashed her open hands on the top of her steering wheel and used both feet to slam on the brakes, gravel pelleting her vehicle as she skidded to a halt. Trying to force her brain to remember, she attempted to push the anger down. That is part of the disease, it’s not part of me she thought to herself as she rolled down the window. She closed her eyes, gulping in the fresh air.

“Slow it down, push it out.” Her shoulders released from her ears. She removed her feet from the brake, slowly the car crept forward. “Just keep moving.”

She drove, her brow stitched together, eyes scanning side to side, even up as if maybe she could find her way by the sun. Her shoulders had tensed again. Fields turned different colours with each mile, gold with flecks of green, bright yellow, a bluish-purple that resembled the ocean. Flax in bloom was always her favorite. Maybe I could just walk into that field and disappear. Drown in a field of flax. That would be an okay way to go. Could I just lay down out there, dust to dust? Her doctor had warned the symptoms of dementia include anger, depression, and paranoia. He had shown her the MRI of her “diminishing frontal lobe”. What she saw was a monster feasting on her brain. Sometimes she thought she could even feel it. The anger spewed again as the thoughts of her disease and what it was stealing overwhelmed all her senses.

The smell of the rotisserie chicken she bought was permeating the car.

“Just enough already! FUCK!” She grabbed the shopping bag with the chicken and threw it out. I was stupid for getting it anyway.

She continued to drive, desperate to find something familiar. Zigzagging through the desolate countryside, sometimes turning at an intersection, sometimes not. There was nothing but fields, all looking the same to her, all looking foreign to her. The crunching of rock under her tires reminding her she was travelling further into nowhere. Fitting, she thought. All our retirement plans that we will never do, the holidays making memories with the grandchildren that will never happen, my future is no-man’s-land. Not just mine, I’m dragging my family along into this horror show. I’ve had a good life, but I thought I would have time for all the perks of getting older. Instead, I’m going to get old too young. I’m being robbed of all the good that was to come with the golden years.

The sun lowering itself on the horizon reminded her of her deadline to make it home before Curtis. I have to find my way home, she thought, and if I just keep moving, maybe, just maybe, the gods will smile on me and deliver me there. You can do that one goddamn thing for me, couldn’t you?

The Blank Moment had lifted, but the puzzle pieces were still in a heap and her emotions were still ruling. At least she could now stitch together new logical thoughts and the fog was clearing for better decisions. Pulling over, Colleen drew a shaky breath.  Randomly trying to find landmarks isn’t working. But grid roads will eventually come to a highway no matter the direction. If I keep travelling straight and hit a highway, there will be signs and towns to get my bearings. Nodding, she put the car in drive and went straight. She turned the radio back on, much quieter than what it was when she was the wild child earlier. This time country music subdued both her embarrassment and anger. The sky was starting to change into its nightgown of reds and orange when an intersection gave her pause. Straight ahead was a less-traveled road. She gazed at the stop sign as if asking it to reveal its judgement on the road ahead. It ignored her, staring stoically back to where she had come from. When I’m further along with this disease, will family and friends treat me as if I’m not here too? Or will I be the stop sign, looking past them without recognition. Ignoring their plea to just be seen, to be known. I don’t want to live either way. Should I make the decision to just not to live? Is now the time to make that decision, while I can? Her mouth puckered as she chewed the inside corner of her lip. She looked right, then left. Turning would put me on a better road. If I turn could I be trusted to get in the same direction again? Forward she went. The road gradually turned into a trail, but she hoped it would still be passable. It died at an abandoned farmyard.

Tears sprang to her eyes. She put the car in park and wailed. She banged on the steering wheel and stamped her feet. She cried until her eyes burned. She cried until frustration turned again to anger. She cried and screamed until anger gave way to show the deep despair it tried to cover. Maybe never going home would be the best thing for everyone. This was my life now. No. Today is the best I will ever be again. What a horrid thought. What quality of life is this? I am nothing but a ball of hurt to all those close to me. Colleen’s throat constricted around the lump of her truth. Her forehead was etched with the concern she felt for the future. Her eyes darkened and narrowed. If it was just me, it wouldn’t matter, soon I won’t know what is happening. But Curtis, these should be his best years, instead he will have to care for a failing wife. The kids, Barrett, Ruth, and Christine, they should be off living their best lives with their families, not worried about a mother that will forget them. They will bear the brunt of this. Colleen realized she had had a purpose, and she had mostly fulfilled it. Her purpose was her family. She had spent her entire life standing next to them, standing behind them, protecting them, raising them, sending them off in the world, being a support in that world when it turned ugly to them. They don’t deserve what is coming at them, especially not coming at them from me. I would protect them with my life. Which would be more protective, to leave now, or to have them watch me fade into a person that is their mom, but a painfully different version of their mom? I’m still me, but I won’t remember the best parts of me. I won’t always remember them. As the scenes of an imagined future played in her mind, she gazed out at the old yard site that sat forgotten. At one time it was a dream home, it was loved, it offered a future someone thought would be perfect. Now it sat out-of-sight, forgotten, a shattered shell of what it was to be. Better to be dozed to the ground before it becomes a too dilapidated. Death is better than dreams turned to nightmares. She spotted an old garage. Sturdy, with a door that looked airtight. No missing boards. Was she able to do what she thought she maybe should?

***

Seeing Barrett’s truck still parked at the shop, Curtis stopped in before going to the house.

“Do you know how much shit you would have given any of us kids if we fishtailed that Firebird out the lane like you did? Where were you off to?” Barrett asked his dad as he wiped the tractor grease from his hands with a grin.

“What?” Curtis half-laughed, completely confused by Barrett’s question.

“A few hours ago, you took off in your old ‘77 tearing up the lane before skidding the corner.”

“I wasn’t here Barrett. I’ve been at work all day.”

They stared blankly at each other for a moment before running from the shop. Barrett ran to the studio, Curtis to the house, both calling for Colleen. Having been met with no response, they met back at the entrance.

“I’m so sorry, Dad. It never occurred to me it could be Mom.”

“That woman has never done what she was told a day in her life” A slight, nostalgic smile playing on his lips.  When he looked at his son, his eyes glistened with tears he refused to shed. “It’s been hours, wonder if we should call the police or just look ourselves? Late in the day is not a good time for your mom.”

“I texted Chrissy. She put AirTags on the vehicles, remember.” Barrett read from his phone. “She’s over an hour away to the east, about 20 minutes from Ruth’s place, but in the middle of nowhere. She hasn’t moved in the last 15 minutes.” He looked at his dad, “She sent me and Ruth the location. Chrissy will meet us back here.”

***

Trying to build up courage, Colleen sat in front of the open garage door. The roar of a diesel truck with it’s gas pedal pinned pulled Colleen’s focus. She looked up to see a familiar truck tearing up the trail toward the garage. A woman with fire red hair had the passenger door open before the truck was fully stopped and was sprinting toward her car.

“Mom!”

“Ruth?”

“Mom? Jesus. Mom, unlock your door. Are you ok?” she said as she ripped at the door handle, “Riley!” she screamed over the car.

“How did you find me?”

“Chrissy. Mom! ARE YOU OKAY?”

A smiling young man calmly appeared in her passenger side window. “Hey Mrs. G!” Ruth’s husband called and waved. Pointing down he asked, “Can you unlock your doors for us?”

Colleen nodded and pressed the unlock button. Immediately her son-in-law had the door open, as if she would change her mind and keep them out. Guilt flooded her and her stomach knotted. Did they know what she had considered doing? She sheepishly exited the car.

“Yes, Ruth, honey, I’m fine. I just got – a bit lost. How did Christine find me?”

Ruth ignored the question and pulled her mom in for a hug. The exhaustion from Colleen’s run-away thoughts and emotions gave way. Her shoulders jerked with each sob and she kept repeating “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I’m doing to you.” Riley put his arms around both of them.

“It’s ok Mom. You just got a little confused. You’re safe now. I’m here and you’re just fine. You just had a little adventure.” The fact Ruth was saying the exact words that Colleen had said to her when she was 5 and lost at the mall made Colleen’s heart shatter. It’s not fair to any of you, she thought, I wish I’d had the courage to drive in and close that garage door. What she didn’t realize was she had said it out loud. Ruth froze, sharing an apprehensive look with Riley. 

The three of them were still in their embrace when Barrett and Curtis pulled up. Riley pulled away from the two women and met up with the men beside his truck. Ruth watched as Riley had a conversation with them. She saw the look of horror come over Barrett’s face and his wide eyes turn to the two of them standing there. Curtis went stone faced and looked down. He took his hat off and wiped his brow, something he did when he was trying to not feel his emotions.

The three walked towards the other two joining the embrace.

Colleen wiped her eyes, “It was such a good day until that Blank Moment.” She gave a small shrug and looked around. She didn’t want to see the pain and worry she had caused. She also was acutely aware not everyone was there. She was conflicted between relief and sadness.

“Christine is on her way to our place, waiting for you to get back” Curtis said, guessing she was thinking of their youngest daughter.

“For the best,” Colleen pulled back into a tight smile, shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have worried all of you. Your job is not to worry about your old, senile mother!”

“You’re not senile, you have a disease. And yes, it is our job. We love you and we want you around for as long as possible.” Barrett had her by the shoulders, emphasizing that last part and forcing his mom to maintain eye contact.

Ruth also came around to face her mother. “Let’s go back to your place Mom. I texted Christine. She said to tell you she’s happy you’re safe. And she’ll have your muffins defrosted and the tea on when you get home.”

Looking at the ground, Colleen murmured “I’m not ready for the long-term care home, if that is why you want to all come together.”

“No, you aren’t, and no, we don’t. We are all here to support you through this. We just want to spend time with our Mom.” Colleen nodded, still not looking up.

“How about I co-pilot for you Mom?” Barrett called, sliding into the open passenger door.

Smiling, Colleen looked around at her family with her, knowing that Christine was waiting on her too. She thanked herself for not taking the opportunity that presented itself. She still had lots of memories to make in these good days she would still have. She had a life to live yet.