January 1st, 2024 - HAPPY NEW YEARS

Goals:

- Actually use or cancel gym membership

- Read at least one book each month

- Call Mom weekly… or monthly

- Stop running late

- BREAK YOUR BAD HABIT!!!!!!!

Hi Mr. Diary. We’re trying this again. I got this diary for New Years 2023 but I never used it. Guess better late than never, am I right? Haha. (Nobody is laughing by the way.) I’m serious this time. I swear. I’ve written down my goals for 2024. Either go to the gym or cancel it. Somehow I can’t bring myself to do either. Read more! I buy all these books and never get through the first couple of chapters. It’s just sad at this point. Call your mother. Stop overthinking it. You love her. Please future me, listen to now me because now me doesn’t have to do it you know that I’m right. Also let’s stop running late. I’m always speeding and I don’t need a single ticket. The last one was $256. Yeah, so stop. The most important one though is the last one. Break your bad habit!

So the reason I’m writing now is because I just left my friend’s house. She had a New Years Party and said it would be chill. No, it was not chill. It was the opposite of chill. It was lit. Anyways, everybody was watching the ball drop on TV and I was hanging out in the kitchen. Okay, hiding in the kitchen because I was quite drunk (still am). Back to the point, she comes barging in and she just starts chugging what’s left of her whiskey. She must have saw the look of horror on my face because then she started going on about once January started, she wouldn’t touch an ounce of alcohol. I hear the ball drop.

She didn’t have a problem with alcohol to me, I guess. I would say she could go too far when she’s not careful but… that’s another story for another day. Apparently, there is this thing called Dry January and she’s doing it. Basically you drink a bunch during the holidays till your sick of it and don’t want to drink till February. At least that’s how I see it. I don’t know, she was kind of drunk when she was explaining it and no one else knew what Dry January was soooooo.

Either way, she was giving up alcohol for a month. I told her it was stupid because what was a month going to do if she planned to go back to drinking February first. She said, “Haven’t you heard that you can break a bad habit in thirty days?” I had. My mom used to say it all the time. Now, every time I hear it I want to die.

All I can hear is Mom in my head repeating, “I’m always right and you never listen to me.” And she’s kind of right. “Maybe I should give it a shot.” I said to my friend half jokingly. Actually, I didn’t say that. I think my depression did. But that’s what came out my mouth and this hoe gone say you definitely should. My jaw dropped. I’m like “excuse me, I’m perfectly fine!”

Tell me why she goes, “Mmm… it’s sad cause you know exactly what I’m talking about. Or maybe just stop calling me about your delusional relationships.” Then she left!

So now I’m home writing in a diary from last year like a middle schooler because she was totally right. In fact, I had a bad habit I had been trying (not really) to break for the last six months. Could it really be that simple. Take a month dedicated to breaking this bad habit and I’m fixed? That can’t be right. But since it’s a new year, new me. I’ll try it for the hell of it.

Wow. You wouldn’t guess what just happened. Well future me would cause you’re me but Mr. Diary, guess what!? I just got a text saying “Happy New Years!” Should I reply?

I replied, teehee. But this must be a sign, right. A text from my bad habit, himself. Crazy cause that’s how I have him saved on my phone.

January 2nd, 2024

Hello again!

Second day and I’m back again. That’s what I call progress. Okay, so I didn’t have work today so I didn’t see Bad Habit. Who is Bad Habit? I swear you are never going to forget him but if I read this back in a decade or something, I want to make sure I remember who I’m talking about. My bad habit is my coworker. Jogging the memory? The one from Beauty at Law. He’s the lawyer that sits right down the hall from the front entrance. He’s a little shorter than you. He’s Greek. He’s like 32 or something. Not that much older than me. He is really hairy, like we can see hair peeking through his shirt and he has a normal build. He has dark brown hair and I can kind of see it thinning at the crown. It’s cute though, trust me. Everything about him is cute. He doesn’t know anything about technology. Like he always has forty-five tabs up on his screen and he doesn’t know how to replace the batteries in his mouse but it’s so cute when he asks me for help. So you don’t mind. Well you didn’t mind. I don’t mind.

He always wears these plaid shirts and I usually hate plaid shirts but he looks so cute in them. Anyways! He’s a bad habit because I’m totally in love and obsessed with him and he does things that make me think he’s in love with me but I know I’m being totally delusional. But I see myself with him so bad. I’m going to the gym so I’ll talk to you tomorrow! Progress.

January 3rd, 2024

Hey! I’m back again. Third day feeling great. I went to the gym yesterday. I only walked on the treadmill for a couple miles and then left but guess what? That’s progress. Okay so back to my bad habit. I swear he isn’t the only thing I’m going to talk about. Like that’s weird. He isn’t my life. I want him to be but he isn’t. Y’know? Anyways, I think he likes me. I really do even though I know I’m just reading into simple things. For example, every time he comes over to my desk to see something he gets really close. Like our shoulders are touching. Like our hands sometimes touch when I need to use the mouse or he needs to. I think he does it on purpose. That’s as close as you can get in a professional setting, no? Like we are basically snuggling professionally. Then he always asks me to come to his office and help him. Yes, I am the only paralegal in the office but he could’ve just sent me an email. He wants to see me! No, he doesn’t but that’s what I tell myself. That’s what I feel! I want to tell him that I lowkey like him but we work together and I really don’t think he’s gay. I feel like I keep giving him hints and he hasn’t done anything with it. Probably because he just sees me as a coworker and I’m an idiot. Well, I pissed myself off so I’m done writing for today.

January 4th, 2024

Hi Diary,

It was my first day back at work and my bad habit wasn’t there. He was working from home. So not too bad of a day but I never said why I needed to give this delusional relationship up. Well one, I’m way too distracted at work when he’s there. I would think about going on lunch dates or how good he looked that day. I would be in La La Land for hours when I’m supposed to be reviewing medical records. It’s too much. Second, I’m far too tempted to do something stupid like tell him I really like him. We are always in these situations alone and I just envision us making out. I know he would be so grossed out if he knew. Ugh. Third, I drop everything and do whatever he needs me to do. I was working on this project for a different attorney and he called me into his office and asked me to do something. And yes! I rushed to get both things down before I left because if he needs it, I’m not going to let anybody else do it. That’s my work husband! If he needs something done, I’m going to do it. Yes, I am crazy.

January 5th, 2024

So I called my Mom and told her I was trying to break a bad habit this month. She said I’m finally challenging myself. This is why I don’t call her. Doesn’t that sound like an insult wrapped up in a veil of love. I told her I was going to take it a day at a time but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem possible. I try not to think about him all the time and taking it day by day has gotten me nowhere but further into the abyss of delusions. But maybe she is right. Maybe I just don’t challenge myself enough. Oh, he worked from home today too.

January 6th, 2024

I hate the gym. I hate going. I hate everything about it. But I went today so… yay! I went to the library today too. I picked up a book that my friend recommended me. It’s called A New Way by Daniel Reeds. I don’t even know what it’s about. I’ll read it tomorrow. This is was a semi-successful first week of Dry January. I didn’t see Bad Habit at all this week (although it was completely out of my control). But I’ll take the win no matter how they come. First week down. I feel like a champ!

January 9th, 2024

Hi Dairy!

So today is the first day I’m going to see him. I’m going to take it one day at a time and just… be normal I guess. I’m already late for work so laterrrrrrr. I’ll write more when I get back from work.

January 10th, 2024

Hi, again: Mr. Diary.

I was too tired after work yesterday but I’m here today and that’s what is important. I’m doing good. I did good yesterday and I did good today. Really the only thing I’m doing is keeping busy and watching shows while I work. I need distractions! Usually I listen to music but I love love songs and then I be singing them to him in my head and NO. Wrong road so a random anime Netflix movie in the background to cloud my thoughts is exactly what I need.

January 12th, 2024

So, this is what I mean. He hasn’t said anything to me this entire week. I knew he didn’t like me but every time it’s confirmed it’s like I get in this depressive mood and I just don’t have time for that. I’m getting older and these childish feelings are… annoying. I don’t need to talk to him anyways. Every time I walk in and every time before I leave I say Hi and Bye but now it’s like he doesn’t even care. Well, not like. He doesn’t care. Well then I don’t care either. I got my answer and he doesn’t like me. Easy peasy. Nothing left. Bad Habit BROKEN!!!! Didn’t need thirty days to do it. Haha!

January 13th, 2024

HIIIIIII Diary:

So why when I walked in the office today, Bad Habit said that he liked my shirt! It has like animals on it like elephants and lions but not in a grandma way but like a cool t-shirt I bought online way. I’ve worn the shirt before and he hasn’t said anything but today he did. The shirt is kind of tight so I don’t wear it often but I don’t know. Maybe I should wear it every week. I’m just joking. I don’t care that he liked my shirt! I can’t lie, I couldn’t help but smile though. I don’t know how he couldn’t know I like… I mean liked him when I smile every time he talks to me.

Anyways, things I care about. I need to start reading that book. And I will right now.

This is me again later at night and I can’t find the book, omg.

January 15th, 2024

Dear diary,

I’m trying to do this everyday but sometimes I forget so don’t judge me. But today… was like the best/worst day ever. I’m trying to take it day by day but he is always on my mind! So… I feel like he really likes me. I’m not saying I care that he does. I’m just saying that I think he does. I went to bathroom to pee. I pee. As I open the stall door, I see him walk up to the urinal. We smile at each other. He, y’know, unzips but then he looks back at me as I walk behind him and smiles again and he is standing really far from the urinal. Maybe it’s just my dirty mind but I swear like he was trying to see if I was “trying to see”. Like who does that??? But it’s whatever. I’m over him. I gave him so many signs. If he likes me, he needs to tell me! This month, I’m over him! I’m breaking my bad habit day by day! In fact, I’m going back to the gym today. Yeah, I’ve missed some days but who cares! The month is not over.

January 16th, 2024

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Mr. Diary don’t get too excited but guess what. GUESS. My bad habit may not even be a bad habit. Just a really annoying distracting but good habit! That doesn’t make sense (a bit of an oxymoron) but y’know what I mean. So Constantine texted me again outside of work! Constantine is Bad Habit but he’s no longer in my phone as Bad Habit. He’s Constantine. And he said that we should go out for lunch!!!!!!! I’m so scared. He is playing it cool but what if he, like, confesses or something during lunch? What if he says he has liked me for the last few months and just has been working up the courage to say something? What if he said he wanted to be my boyfriend!? I need to look up restaurants because I know he is a super healthy eater and I am not. I’m not going to mess this up with a bad restaurant pick. I just hope he doesn’t pick that salad place down the street. I hate salads.

I should call my mom but I know she’s going to ask me if I’m still going to the gym. Salads… gyms. What is my life right now? I started the book though. Sorry, I meant I started looking for the book. Actually, I don’t want to talk about that stuff anymore.

January 19th, 2024

Diary:

We had lunch. He did not confess. But I got in his car and it wasn’t super clean. That either means he is super comfortable with me or it means he doesn’t care how he is presents. I think I make him super comfortable. It was fun and he said we should do it again. I’m like so shy at work so hopefully next time I’m more outgoing like I really am. Or maybe not! I may say the wrong thing. I don’t know.

January 24th, 2024

Clearly I’m the bad habit. Constantine asked me to stay a little longer at work to help him prepare for trial. I wish it was over a little wine and a home made dinner with romantic lighting and such. I haven’t been writing much, sorry. This challenge to break my habit isn’t going the way I thought it would. I really like him. He texted me yesterday real late at night and I texted him back and he texted me back and then I texted him back and then he stopped, but he was thinking about me at night! All he had to say was come over, and BOOM, I would’ve driven the 25 minutes to his apartment like ASAP. I’m a fool in love. I am. But I think he may like me too!

January 29th, 2024

I’m not smart. In fact, I’m really stupid. I spent half a month fake acting like I didn’t care about Bad Habit. Then I spent the rest of the month being totally stupid. The delusions need to stop. I haven’t been to the gym. I talked to my mom twice. The book I picked up from the library is untouched and also late to be returned. Guess I’m never going back there. I actually was good on returning texts but I also didn’t get that many. I haven’t really changed at all. I texted Bad Habit over the weekend and the conversation was real dry. We didn’t go out for lunch again yet. Also, I over heard him sharing another story about his girlfriend. Yeah, I’m an idiot. He’s just not into me and that’s okay. I’m just lonely I guess.

I couldn’t break my bad habit.

January 31st, 2024

Well Mr. Diary:

I made a big mistake taking it day by day. Cause I thought about not thinking about him each day which made me think about him each day. I never stopped being delusional. I was delusional to think I would stop, that I was stopping and that I didn’t need to stop. But that’s okay. I guess. I can always try again. Each month I can work on something. At least I can say that today I canceled my gym membership! I’ll break this Bad Habit by… next January 2025!