Red and burning

Our camp shift is slowly coming to end. Sometimes it was tough, sometimes — relaxing. Too many things to conclude. Too many actions to realize.

For the first time in my life, I showed my talents to public. I felt the challenging fire, burning within my heart. However, I think my cooperation with rest of the shift was the most important part. Finally, I was a member of group and I felt it.

Everyone is slowly packing up his luggage. Nobody really wants to leave. Especially our “first” group. After the end we will stuck in formal routine: college, work and, sometimes, fun moments. By the smiles on everyone’s faces you could see, that they know it and trying their best to support everyone.

Of course, I am not an exception from this. At the same time, I am very different, because my life is much worse. Any professional sphere does not suit me; my leg injury and mental trauma will not allow me to participate in War Company. For people like me most of the life privilege are closed. We are not bad, just… To be totally honest…

We are useless. Sure, I will be granted with a job from the government, but will I like it? I highly doubt that. In addition, there are not that many ways to help it.

Should I follow my dreams? Perhaps. I can play saxophone, write decent novels. However, is it enough to stay afloat? Besides, who really reads books or listens to music nowadays? Mass Media keeps telling that our beautiful country is moving towards communism with leaps and bounds. Thus, everyone needs to tighten his belt for a little bit longer.

Therefore, everyone did. At least those, who could do it.

I sighed with disappointment. Every single time when I have started to think about this kind of stuff, I always got lost in thoughts. Another one thing I can do perfectly – self-loathing. I need to find just one simple issue within myself to keep on thinking about it for hours.

Maybe, by chance, I can become a psychiatrist…

“Eugene!” — voice of an intruder was very loud and clear. As I have heard it, I slowly moved my heard towards. Mary… The first person, who met me with her arms wide open and with her perfect shiny smile. She was a rare example of “young talent”, whose destiny is to follow the road of art.

 Seven years in School of Music, deep practical knowledge for every single instrument in out “Musical Section”, beauty, that was given to her by the nature. It is very hard to think about something negative, while you are looking at her. All your fears just vanish away. What is the reason? Well, there is only one. Her company sympathizes me. On the other hand, maybe, I just tried to find another way to forget about self-destruction.

“Good day to you” — I smiled back and by her giggle I could suggest, that it did look a little bit funny. — “Did anything happen?”

“No, nothing to worry about… May I sit?” — her thin finger pointed right at the stairs of my apartment. Camp, for some reason, didn’t purchase benches at the roads between cottages, so most of the pioneers were sitting at the stairs or inside. Mary moved a little bit closer, placing her luggage right next to me. Very small, in my opinion. Even my bag is twice of its size.

I slowly looked up, right at her face. She is smiling, just like usual. Well… I cannot say “No” to her.

“Sure, you are welcomed” — I sighed one more time, but now a little bit heavier. She is sitting right next to me and all my problems are nothing, but words. At the same time, for some reason, I feel myself uncomfortable. In love stories, authors would describe that feeling with phrase “My heart has stopped beating”. This is not a case: my heart is still functioning, pushing blood within my body. I feel every single pulse. Somewhere in head, somewhere in my body. No, my type of pressure is different.

It is like… There are so many things to be told, but I just cannot do that. Here she is so close to me… Why am I silent? Is this envy? Pain? Resentment? Or is it constraint? Admiration..?

“Eugene?” — Mary has broken the silence, yet again saving me from my own thoughts. This little fact is, to be honest, very confusing. Only her quiet, but bright voice is able to awake me. Even Olga, our counselor, sometimes just gave up, trying to make me react. Nevertheless, I always heard Mary’s voice. — “Are you asleep? Come on, cheer up!” — she has lightly pushed me into shoulder and laughed.

“No, I am fine. Just… There are so many things, waiting for us. And I feel that I am not ready for them…” — my lips have tightened nervously, becoming one straight line. I am really trying my best to conceal my feelings. However, my soul is crying for help. It does not ask for lot. Just for a friend, who will listen patiently; who will understand me. Sadly, no one is able to do it. — “I have no idea what to do. Earlier I thought I would find all the answers here… I was wrong?.”

“What are you talking about?” —she is so simple… As I can remember, she never kept on thinking about deep stuff. I guess, I can tell, that Mary was… herself. Emotions, feelings, ideas — everything is written on her face. Without any doubts, this is her best trait. — “Do whatever you can”

“But what can I do?” — I smirked. The answer for this question is not a mystery for me. The reason I have asked this? Who knows? Maybe I wanted to hear the answer from her. I wanted to believe that this… is possible. Give one last chance to the romantic in my soul to live his last days, before he will eventually suffocate in daily routine. Sure, it will not come today, nor tomorrow. Yet, after the camp life looks so disappointing.

On the other hand, does the camp has something to do with it?

Mary went silent. I slowly turned my head and, suddenly, saw here beautiful and deep green eyes. Naïve smile, a little spark inside. Her hair gently touched my hand moved by the wind (or by herself?..). She laughed again and tried to tuck her hair.

“Write. Play your music. Give people, what they need” — she moved closer to me without hesitation, almost bending over me. Her pioneer tie covered mine. Mary was inches away from me. — “You can do everything~” — there is the place, where my heart decided to stop. Pioneers, counselors — they disappeared from my head.

I could see only Mary. Her beautiful eyes and light hand on my shoulder. Her smile and lips. They are so magical… So alluring.

I leaned closer.

It is just one moment. But even that was enough to light a fire within my heart. This moment was enough to make me believe what she said. Whoever I want to become, I will. Maybe, writing novels will be my destiny! Someone has to be reading books, even at our era.

Maybe I shall go to the stage. Sure, I am not a professional. Is it a problem to become one?

All thanks to her. Her blushing cheeks and simple words. Her endless faith into her own actions. Right now, she wasn’t determined, like she was before: her eyes were hiding from me and she tried to cover her lips with a hand.

That made her look even better.

I gently touched her hand and moved another from her face. Mary moved her eyes to me. We didn’t need words. How could I be so blind for the whole month? She is... She!..

“Everyone, get to the busses! We are ready to set off!” — damn it. While we were talking, I almost forgot about the end of the shift. I wanted to ignore Olga right now more, than any time before. However, I could not.

I got up from the stairs. Mary followed me. One her hand got the luggage, second one got me. I moved my head to her a little bit, but it was enough to see everything. That smile of hers… It literally says that I do not have any chance to escape.

“So, you will not let me go?” — I dove deep into her emerald eyes, seeing the same spark as before. The spark that started the fire.

“You? Never in my life~” — Mary brazenly pressed against my shoulder, like everything before was not enough. She closed her eyes, breathed out. And, as if nothing happen, asked me. — “Will we sit together inside?”