The Ray of Hope

“Goodbye”.

Looking down at the peaceful face of her sleeping sister, Adelynn heaved a sigh. Returning to her room she looked at the knife she had brought from the kitchen.

“I want to die”,she whispered. Tears streamed down her cheeks as screams of agony echoed in her mind. She had wanted to kill herself as long as she could remember. But these past few days, it was becoming unbearable. She felt it in her heart: a void gnawing at her, mercilessly eating its way through her body, her soul. A little voice in her head had whispered, “Why, why shouldn’t you kill yourself… when you were the one who killed your mother?”.

Adelynn remembered the day like it was yesterday. It was a fine spring day. She had been nagging her mom all morning to go for a stroll around the neighbourhood . They had just moved into the house a couple of days ago. Finally in the afternoon they went out for a walk- her mother, she and her little five months old sister. Her sister was peacefully sleeping in her stroller. What fun they had that day! They had walked around, chatting away of school, of the friends she had made, of boys. They had visited the park. Sitting on the benches, her mother had kissed her on the forehead, caressed her hair. She told her that she was the best daughter in the world, that she loved her and was proud of her. Adelynn still remembered the warmth she felt sitting on her mother’s lap that day.

On their way home, she had noticed a chocolate shop and had begged mom to buy her her favourite chocolates- a decision Adelynn regrets till date. The shop was crowded, so her mother had told her to wait outside and left her sister with her. “Hold the stroller tight, okay?”, her mother had instructed her. Adelynn had nodded obediently, wishing not to displease mother and forfeiting her chance to get her favourite chocolate.

Her mother had been gone a long time. Some boys of her own age were playing rugby in the park nearby. Starting to get bored, she leaned against the lamp-post and begun watching their antics. She hadn’t even noticed the stroller slip out of her hands. The next thing she knew, her mother was rushing towards her, eyes wide with fear. She saw her mother race past her onto the street below. Her sister’s stroller was gently rolling away. Her mother just pushed the stroller out of the way when a speeding car crashed into her.

Adelynn sat behind her desk, shaking uncontrollably as images of her mother’s death flashed across her mind. She was just nine years old then. It had taken her sometime before she could fully comprehend what had happened. Dazed, she had seen her mother lying on the road, like a ragged doll, blood oozing onto the absalt. She could hear commotion around her, saw people running around- but all that seemed distant…faraway. She had slumped down on the sidewalk. And then, she ran. She ran to her crying sister. Then to her mother. She had cried for help frantically, desperately. After some time the ambulance had come and taken her mother away. In the hospital, the doctors had pronounced her dead.

She remembered her father sitting beside her mother’s lifeless form, staring into nothingness. She had tried to muster all her courage, explain to her dad what had happened. But nothing- nothing could console him. He had just sat there, no words coming out of his mouth. All those times when her mother would be angry at her, wouldn’t let her go out, wouldn’t let her stay up late had flooded back to her. Eyes full of tears of regret, she had pleaded God to give her one chance to make things right. Only if she hadn’t been so stubborn, only if she had not forced her mother to go out with her! It was all her fault. She was the only who had begged her mom to get her those damn chocolates. She was the one who had so senselessly let go of the handle of her sister’s stroller. She, a careless, selfish girl had done this to her own mother. Any thoughts of reasoning with herself had died down in an instant with one look at her sister’s crying face. Her sister had started weeping uncontrollably. During these times, only her mother was able to console her. She had removed the word ‘mother’ from her sister’s lips forever, and the thought had filled her with agony.

Adelynn looked down at her wrist. Thin jagged scars showed clearly against the pale skin of her wrists. She had even tried sleeping pills once, but hadn’t known then that 10-12 pills weren’t enough to die. After her mother’s death, her life had been hell. Her father, having lost the woman he had so dearly loved, had wrapped himself up into a cocoon of his own. He would spend long hours at his office, and then at the local bar. Anywhere he could be away from his wife’s memories. As teens set in, she had become lonely. No one to talk to, no one to share her feelings with. Cold fingers of desperation had threatened to choke the life out of her, but she had held on. Hope had kept her going. Hope of a bright tomorrow. But as time passed, she became…exhausted. Exhausted of fighting, pushing herself to keep going. So she decided to take the easier path.

The knife rested against her wrist. That all too familiar touch of cold metal, that would bring her the peace she so madly craved. The blade cut into her skin, going deeper and deeper. Blood spilled out, dark crimson, and ever so lightly a wry smile spread across her lips. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to what she felt every moment in her heart. As the blood colored the pillows around her, she could feel her consciousness slipping. As the edges of her room began to get blurry, she heard the door knob turn. Turning her head in that direction, she saw the little form of her five year old sister standing there in the dim light of the lamp. Shocked, her sister stood there for a moment. Then, letting out a scream, ran to her elder sister. Chubby fingers went around the wrist, gently caressing the wound. Tears filled her eyes, she sobbed uncontrollably, saying Adelynn’s name over and over again. 

Adelynn was nine again. Her mother’s bleeding body lay on the street; she was calling out desperately for help. She realized the extent of damage she had done. She was leaving her sister in the same position that she had been. Her little sister was witnessing her elder sister bleed to death.

She had lived every day, looking for a ray of hope that she could grasp onto, hope that would make her believe that tomorrow would be better. But Adelynn had failed. Now, as the final moments of her life ticked by, her sister’s face shone out in the darkness, she realized that the ray of hope had been in front of her all the time. It was her sister she should have lived on for.

Adelynn tried to fight the darkness that was gradually surrounding her. As breathing became difficult, she focused on her sister. “It’s fine”, “It’s alright” she tried to whisper. But she knew it was far beyond fine.

 A tear rolled down her cheek as darkness enveloped her forever.