The Decision

      She is standing in the mirror. She is looking how time has stopped just for a few minutes. She hears the school bus breaks squealing as it comes to a complete stop. It snaps her back into reality. She hears her door open to her apartment. “Isalyn, Isalyn, where are you?” yells her mother. “Jo, I am in the bathroom.” She stands to the door. “Why are you still in the bathroom? You have to be to work soon”, replies Jo. Isalyn looks in the mirror. She sees tears running down her face. She hurries to wipe the tears. She didn’t want Jo to ask any questions. All my life I always wondered if it was normal to feel this way when my mother comes around. I learned I know it isn’t normal. My mother makes me depressed. I am already fighting depression because I am not happy with how life is going for me. I learned it isn’t nobody fault but mine. “Isalyn do you hear me?” yells Jo. “Yes”, I reply. In my mind I wish I couldn’t hear her. I didn’t wash my dishes in the kitchen, fold the clothes or make up my bed. I brace myself to walk out of the bathroom. I take a deep breath, hold back the tears and ask Jesus to help me. I put my hand on the door knob. Practice my smile, think about being on the beach, reading a good book, that makes me happy, that wouldn’t show in my eyes. I open the door. There she is standing looking like she wants to tell me about my place. “Isalyn, I know you know how to clean this apartment. Why? Do you have this nice place looking like this?” asks Jo. “Mother, it is called living in the apartment. I am not going to live in my home the way you think I should live in it”, replies Isalyn. She walks away. Jo follows her to the kitchen. She pulls out pics of what she did when she cleaned up my kitchen a few days ago. I took a deep breath. I constantly had to tell myself to breathe. As I am telling myself those things. Jo is telling me everything I am doing wrong. What she would do and how she would do it? Before I knew it, I had screamed and started throwing anything that was accessible to my hands. She ran up to me and punch me in my face. “Bitch, why you throwing things at me?” asks Jo while she continue to punch me. I took it because I was disrespectful to my mother. Yet, I have my own space. I am not free. I am thirty-five years old. I have a good job, going to back to college at the same time. I don’t have any kids yet or married. What Jo don’t know I was pregnant. I lost the baby at twelve weeks. The doctor asks me was I under a lot of stress. I said yes. The doctor was thinking work related. It was Jo! Why do my mother act like this? Why is she so moody? Why do she make me tired to know I have to even talk to her? Why? The only answer is the person that brought me into this world. Who I have to cut to live my life to the fullest? I don’t think she know how to live? If she did she wouldn’t try to run my life, our relationship would be better. I finally get out of Jo grips. I walk thru my home, attempting to get ready for work. It is sad at this moment I am trying to hurry to get to work to get away from her. I desire the relationships that I see my coworker Mary has with her mother Addy. Their relationship isn’t perfect. Addy respects Mary space. She loves her, if Addy doesn’t agree with something she tells her and let her make own mistakes. She helps when she is asked for help. She doesn’t offer and beat you over the head, manipulate her, talks out of both ends of her mouth. An example I ask her about six months ago to borrow three hundred dollars. I explain what I need it for. This is my other thing I deal with concerning Jo. I don’t have to explain myself to her. She makes me feel like I do. Well, a few weeks later when she wanted me to do something for her. I couldn’t do what she asks. She threw it up in my face. OH! I did give the three hundred dollars back to her with interest. Jo doesn’t always pay the money back she owes me. If she does majority of the time. It is half or partial of the money owed to me. I let it go because she is my mother. It is how I got here on this earth. I ask Jesus what I need to do concerning her every day, My mother doesn’t know I go to therapy just to cope to handle my mother and losing a child I never met. The fact I lost this child because of her. Would I have been a good mother to this child? Am I capable?

           I walk into my bedroom to put on my clothes. I close and lock the door. Jo is at the door trying to justify calling me a bitch. I crack the door and apologize to her for throwing things at her. I close the door immediately. Stands in the mirror looks at my busted lip. What lie does I have to come up today for all of this. I don’t know how to use my words, like I should. I don’t feel like I can talk to Jo. I have tried to stand my ground with Jo. She doesn’t get the point. She has her own world. She believes that world is just fine the way she made it. We have to go along with it.  My sister Josie was smart. She got the hell out of dodge with Jo. She is a six-hour plane ride. She is free indeed! I wish I did a lot! I have no one to blame but me. I know now it was my depression as well. My sister Josie and I don’t care for Jo best friend Lou Lou . We planned at three-day trip for our mother without her best friend. Mother says we did not include her on purpose. We don’t like her. Yes, that is true we don’t like her. Jo, can’t see that her daughters trying to spend time with her. If we have any special for her we have to include Lou Lou. Josie will plan things for Jo just to keep her world going. I can’t pretend. I wear a mask enough with Jo day in day out. I have to cut my mother from my life. This is the only way I am going to be happy. I’m not going to tell nobody. After today, I can’t deal with this any longer. I finished making myself cute. I hid the busted lip the best way I could. As I put my hand on the doorknob, I threw my head back so the tears wouldn’t flow. I open the door of my bedroom. I walk quickly to my purse. I heard Jo speaking. It sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher talking to me. I kept moving I open the door wave goodbye and close the door behind me. I hurried to the elevator. I heard the door open. I was praying the door elevator would come before she came down to the end of the hallway. God was on my side at the moment. The elevator door open, Jose was standing there looking so tasty. I walked in quickly, press the button in a rush. Jose smiles, “Lyn what is wrong?” he asks. He slowly grabs my hand. I want smelt in the floor. Jose is a hoe. I knew I couldn’t let my guard down with him. “Thanks for asking but nothing you can do to help me. By the way, Good Morning”, I reply. He comes closer to me, softly gives me a kiss on my cheek, winks at me when the elevator doors open. I watch him walk away staring at the view. I almost let the elevator doors close on me. I caught the doors. Then I heard “Isalyn! Isalyn!” I rushed out the doors. I ran into the sidewalk traffic. I look at my cell phone. I am ten minutes late for work. I call my assistant Deanna. She didn’t answer the phone. I text her phone to let her know I was on the way. I get lost in the sidewalk traffic. I don’t hear Jo voice again. I take my time walking to work. I finally get relax and my phone rings. I refused to answer. I get to work. I’m walking into my office, Deanna says “ Your mother call. She left a message for you to call her.” “Thank you. I will later”, I reply. “It was her why you were late this morning”, ask Deanna. “YES!” I sit in the chair taking in the smell of the coffee that sat on my desk freshly brewed. “Isalyn, I would miss you. You need to take this transfer that the company offered a few weeks ago. You can go to school online there as well. Next, you have to be free from your mother. This is the only way. You will be free. The company will take care of your moving and housing. Go for it!” Deanna smiles, walks to her desk.

Isalyn continues her day at work. She gets a call from her boss. “Hello”

“Isalyn, this is Charles. We offered you a position to transfer to upstate New York. We knew you would be a great fit. I think this position would be a better fit. The same applies concerning housing and moving. If you would you be interested to take the position in Arkansas. Isalyn, we need an answer today.”

Isalyn takes a deep breath. She puts the phone away from her ear. Her eyes get really teary. Her heart is racing. She tells herself. No fear but faith. “Charles, yes I take the transfer.” Charles screams “Yes! Congrats! You are going to do an excellent job in Arkansas. I will miss you here. You have to be there by the end of next month. You have two weeks to pack what you want to take with you now. Deanna will take care of the movers for you. You have to find a house. Finish out this week, get your projects to a point and Angela will finish the rest of the projects. I will be chatting with you.” Isalyn hung up the phone. Deanna walks into her office. Tears in her eyes, “you are going to love it there. I will make sure the movers take care of your things. What are you going to do about your mother?”, ask Deanna. Isalyn took a deep breath. “I have to get my key back from her so she won’t know until I get in Arkansas”, reply Isalyn. Deanna nods her head in agreement. At that moment, Isalyn cell phone dings. It is a text from Jo. She wants to go out to dinner tonight. Isalyn replies yes to her message. She knew this would be the perfect time to ask for her key. Jo would not want to make a scene. Isalyn and Deanna finished up their work. Isalyn prepare herself for the mental and emotional state for whatever Jo going to try to throw at her. The met at Jo’s favorite restaurant is Fran’s. They ordered the meals, sat and casually talks to each other. Then Isalyn saw the opportunity to ask. “Mother, can I have the spare key to my apartment, please”, says calmly Isalyn. Jo face begins to balls up. She clears her throat to control her voice. “Why? Isalyn, I have had this key all this time. Why now?”, asks Jo. “Mother, I don’t want to answer the questions. I just want my key, please.” Jo, huff and puff, takes the key off the key chain. Isalyn gets her things. She gets her take out plate for her leftovers. “Good Night” She walks out and go home. Isalyn gets home. She takes her shower. She gets in the bed. Then phone rings, the caller id shows it is Jo. She turns all her phones off and goes to sleep. In the morning, she starts packing and put the boxes in the spare bedroom just in case Jo be nosy. A few days later Jo come over knocking on my door. I acted as if I wasn’t home. The day I got on that plane to go to Arkansas. I felt a freedom. I never felt before. I cried the whole time I was on the plane. When the plane touch down in Arkansas. The tears automatically stop. He made a way to escape.