The Peace Lily

I bought you chocolates and you bought me a peace lily. You told me that this lily, like it’s name, represents peace and tranquility. It was a fitting gift for an apology and made me feel insecure about the thoughtless box of chocolates I had given you. The reason behind the apology gifts seems so pointless now. We were in our last year of high school and we had both  had agreed to go to the same university in the next city over to study English. I had been busy planning out what classes we could take when you shocked me by saying you no longer wanted to study English and that you wouldn’t even be going to the same university anymore. You had applied to a school which specialised in floristry and you had decided to follow this passion of yours. Even though you reassured me that we would still be moving to the same city I could feel my eyes begin to burn with tears and I bolted out of the café we were in. Luckily this fight, our first in the three years we had been best friends, did not last long and it was only two days later everything was forgiven. 

A month after we moved to the city you told me about Tom. We walked around the city's botanical gardens as you talked about him. He was a handsome guy you had met at a bar and the two of you hit it off straight away. After just three dates together he had surprised you with 12 lavender roses. I could see you blush as you told me that lavender roses symbolise love at first sight; I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. He did sound lovely though and I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy as you spoke of the exciting things you had done together in the two weeks that you had known each other. Looking back I wish I hadn’t felt this way. I wish I had told you that I hoped you two would have only happy memories together, although I know now that saying that wouldn’t have changed anything.

By the end of the first term of university I was preparing for my exams and spent most of my time at the campus or in my flat. We hadn’t seen each other in almost a month due to my busy schedule and I often left your messages on read. At the time I remember feeling a bit guilty but my mind was elsewhere. On my birthday I woke up to a knock at the front door. When I opened the door no one was there, but there was a vase with a small bunch of daffodils in. I knew immediately it was you who had left these. Attached to the vase was a small note saying:

Annie!

Happy birthday!

Enjoy the daffodils, did you know they are your birth flower?

I miss you so much!

Please can we catch up soon?

Love Ruth

Seeing that note made me tear up a little as I realised how cruel I had been to go so long without seeing you. I immediately got my phone out of my pocket and called you.

We met at the botanical gardens. It was your favourite place and you loved walking around, telling me facts about the different types of flowers. Even now I still surprise myself with the random pieces of flower knowledge I have retained. As we walked around I noticed some bruising around your wrists. When I asked what the cause was you told me you had just fallen awkwardly and it was nothing to worry about. I decided not to question any further. We walked up to a flower bed filled with bright, tall flowers and you told me that they were called snapdragons. 

‘Snapdragons are able to grow in typically uninhabitable places. For this reason they symbolise strength’ you told me. ‘One day I would like to be like a snapdragon.’

I remember at the time that I didn’t really understand what you were talking about. To me flowers had always seemed so fragile so I couldn’t understand why one would aspire to be flower like. I regret now that I was unable to see what you were really trying to tell me.

It had been over a month since I had heard from you. I reached out often but most of the time my messages would appear unread or I would only get through to your voicemail. I knew Tom had recently moved in with you to help you with your rent; I tried reaching out to him too but to no avail. When I ran into a mutual friend of ours he told me that the last time he had seen you your eyes were bruised and you were unusually withdrawn. This didn’t sound like you and I was very worried. Everyday the peace lily you gave me would draw my attention and remind me of you.  I spent a lot of time researching flowers, since I wasn’t getting your regular dose of flower facts. I decided to send you some carnations after learning the meaning behind them. I miss you.

Another month passed before I finally heard from you. When we met at the gardens you were shockingly thin and your gorgeous thick hair had thinned out like an old woman's. It was shocking to see you like this and my first thought was that you had been seriously ill. This was not the case. You told me that after Tom moved in the two of you had begun fighting a lot. You said that most of the time it was your fault that the fights started and you often felt so guilty that you wouldn't be able to eat. Even at the time I struggled to believe that this was your fault. I made a few feeble attempts to get you to see that maybe Tom was the bad guy in this scenario but I knew you had your mind set on him. 

‘I just need a way to make up for my terrible behaviour’ you said, ‘then everything can go back to how it was before.’

‘How about a peace lily?’ I suggested. ‘That worked on me.’

That comment made you smile and you went off to buy the lily, hopeful that it would be the cure to your problems.

Late that night you text me.

‘Please come around to my place, Tom is very angry and I need to leave.’

I immediately bolted out of bed and hopped into my car. I hadn’t even changed out of my pyjamas but I knew you wouldn’t mind. When I arrived at your flat I used the spare key you had given me after the last time you went quiet and unlocked the door in a hurry. When I got inside I saw the peace lily you had gotten Tom, smashed on the floor. No one was home. My stomach dropped as I grabbed my phone and called the police.

Tom was arrested after your body was found dumped in a nearby canola field. It bought me some peace knowing that you were found surrounded by flowers, like they were there looking after you. Despite being the hardest day of my life your funeral really was beautiful and I like to think that you would have been proud of how it turned out. I had helped your parents pick out appropriate flowers after doing some of my own research. We got carnations to represent a life well lived, daffodils to symbolise rebirth and the start of a new life and orchids for eternal love. I had never seen so many flowers in my life. A month after the funeral I went with your family to the botanical garden where we had spent so much of our time together to scatter your ashes. I made sure that you were near the snapdragons, a flower you aspired to be like. I come back to the snapdragons often and think of you and how strong you were.

Your parents gave me some of your ashes to take home. I put you with my peace lily. I hope wherever you are that you are at peace and happy again. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I miss you Ruth.