Moving Onward

“I wouldn’t miss you. Nobody would.”

Ella signed as this same phrase repeated over and over again in her mind like a broken record, continuing to shatter whatever remained of her broken heart. Luke had moved out several hours ago, but his final words never left Ella’s mind. Even while she sat outside with the cool breeze brushing her cheeks and the grass prickling her legs, she wasn’t able to forget the flush on his face, the venom in his tone, or the anger in his eyes as he stormed out with a packed suitcase. They had been together for one fun filled year before it all turned sour. She thought he was the one, but he shattered her trust leading to a heated argument ending in broken hearts and angry tears. 

She had come outside to clear her thoughts but instead they remained the same as the sky, clouded and shrouded in darkness. Not even the moonlight had peaked past the clouds that covered the sky like a black tarp. Still she looked up at the sky, not entirely sure what she was searching for. Anything she supposed. Anything that would let her know that his words held no truth. That she was, in fact, an integral part in the vast universe. No plane, satellite, bird or even star momentarily lit up a tiny speck of light. The sky remained lifeless.

Usually, mere words had no effect on Ella. Combined with ill mannered teachers and angry coaches, she had built up a wall against mean spirited commentary. However, now the reason it cut so deep was to some extent Ella believed him. 

As a child, Ella had been notoriously good at hide and seek. She had been creative, quiet and smaller in size compared to others her age, so she had no problem fitting into tight to reach spaces that often left her the last one to be found. She remembered there was a time where she had managed to wedge herself in between the small gap behind the couch. Her best friend Isa had searched for what felt like hours before finally checking, astonished that she had been able to fit in the tiny space. Isa had begged Ella to teach her how to become better at the silly childhood game, so she wouldn’t always be the first one to be found out of all the other children in the neighborhood. Ella had agreed, showing Isa some of her favorite hiding spots that kept her well hidden without too much discomfort. After all, Isa wasn’t the biggest fan of staying still, hence why they eventually lost touch. Isa went to travel the world while Ella feared of abandoning the comfort of the town she grew up in. 

Still, Ella couldn’t help but wonder. If she played hide and seek now, would anyone try to find her? 

Ella shook her head in hopes to shake the thoughts crawling in her mind. Despite being outside, She felt like she was suffocating. She needed air. She needed out. She refused to stay in this space plagued with haunted memories. A distraction. That’s what she needed. Ella was never impulsive, but all she could think while she hastily rushed inside to pack a backpack was she needed to leave this town before it swallowed her whole. She swung the heavy backpack over her shoulder after shoving inside toiletries, clothes and documents with mechanical repetitiveness. She felt like her body and mind were frozen, but not from the cold. Without looking back, she headed to the nearest train station. 

It was crowded for a Tuesday night. The air was thick and stuffy with a smoky aroma. Sounds of people chatting and scuffling were mixed with the harmonies of the trains braking and the whistle that followed as families called out to each other and conductors yelled the destinations. People were walking, some on the verge of a run, with a purpose. Others stood waiting or checking the expected arrival time. The ticket line was enormous with people fidgeting anxiously, children complaining impatiently and old men grumbling under their breath. In the distance a conductor shouted “All aboard!” at the top of his lungs. It was pure chaos, and she loved every second of it. 

There were couples, holding hands with loving glances that made Ella fight the urge to break down right then and there. Taking a pause to collect herself, she pushed through the crowd for the nearest train. She was determined not to cry over him. Even if it meant putting on a brave face and locking everything inside. Ella found an empty seat towards the back where she could look at the rolling landscape zooming past her. She listened to conversations that wafted in her direction like a discombobulated audio book full of intriguing information and plentiful gossip. The rocking of the train and chattering descants lulled her into a peaceful slumber. 

***

Ella was awakened by the jolt of the train slamming on its brakes as the conductor shouted their arrival across the intercom. 

“Passengers, this is our final stop. Please remove any personal belongings and have your tickets in hand as you disembark.”

Ella gathered her belongings and remembering she didn’t have a ticket, she carried a wad of cash in her hand. Before, she would’ve never done such a thing since the no ticket fee was pricey, but new Ella couldn’t have cared less. She waited her turn to disembark, and when the time came, she handed the disheveled cash to the conductor before stepping into a dazzling city. There was so much it felt overwhelming. Millions of lights flashed all at once, each cluster trying to maintain her attention. Buildings rose so tall it seemed like there were more towers than sky. Cars whizzed past her at speeds that seemed much too fast for the multitude of pedestrians pushing and shoving each other on the crowded sidewalks. There was shouting, honking, engines starting, and the cacophony of life that filled her mind and senses. 

As Ella continued with the flow of the crowd, admiring quaint stores and historical infrastructure, she noticed a small child that was looking around in a panic as a flurry of people passed by without sparing him a glance. He couldn’t have been more than six with pale blue eyes that widened when she stopped in front of him. 

“Are you ok?” she asked after crouching down to meet his gaze. “What’s your name?”

The child’s eyes darted around as if he wasn’t quite sure if he should be speaking to the strange lady. Finally, he shook his head. 

“I can’t find mama. I don’t know where she is, and there’s a whole lot of strangers, and I don’t even know where I am, and I don’t know where to go,” he replied with tears forming in his eyes. 

“Listen bud, we’ll find your mama. Don’t you worry,” Ella reassured. “Can you tell me what she looks like?”

“Umm I think she is about as tall as you. She has short hair that’s a yellow-y color. Oh! And she has a bright pink coat that she is always wearing.” 

“Hmm ok, take my hand,” Ella coaxed, stretching out her hand, “let’s get out of everyone’s way.” 

The boy tenderly took Ella’s hand as she led him to the edge of the walkway. 

“I can imagine she’s retracing her steps right now, so it might just be best to hang tight,” she told him, “In the meantime, have you ever played rock, paper scissors?” 

The little boy shook his head, and somewhat surprised, Ella quickly taught him the simple game to give him a distraction while continuing to scan the crowd out of the corner of her eye. She wasn’t one hundred percent sure who she was looking for, but since most were wearing neutral or dark toned clothing, she hoped that the boy’s mom had decided to keep her uniquely colored coat on. 

Eventually, her head snapped up as a flash of pink peaked through the crowd. Without wasting time, she took the little boy’s hand and led him through the crowd while shouting “ma’am! ma’am!” The woman turned to the sound of her voice, clearly worried until she saw the little boy holding Ella’s hand. 

“Max!” she cried running to him and sweeping him a bear hug. “Are you ok? Please don’t ever run off like that again,” she exclaimed, picking him up. She now faced Ella, her face full of gratitude as she thanked her over and over again for keeping her son safe. 

“Thank you so much! I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t been there to help him.”

They were mere words, yet they made her heart swell in a way that she hadn’t felt for what seemed like ages. She felt lighter like a great weight had been lifted and the words Luke had said were no more than a mere cloud in a beautiful sunny sky. 

With a renewed vigor in her step, Ella continued ahead until she was swallowed up by the city’s everlasting vibrance.