Things You'll Wish You Never Did

There are only two reasons why most relationships fall apart. Partner 1 or Partner 2. 

Making a relationship fall apart could be a joint effort, but making a relationship work is always one, and some people just won’t do that. 

For most people, it will work. For some, it won’t. No matter how much you want to make it work, no matter how much you want to love them, it’s the idea of you they want, the idea of a relationship, with mind-blowing sex, and no talking or cuddling after it, with home-cooked meals, and no complaining or debating on who does the dishes, and even with mind-less conversations that one person is always eager to end because they always have ‘something better to do.’ 

It’s all shit. All of it. Try to tell me one thing that’s not shit, and I’ll tell you why it is. I spent a long time believing in true love. Not even because of fairy tale endings like Snow White or Cinderella or whatever other white, vaguely racist princess written by a man in the 1900s. No, it was because of random characters like Sirius Black, who never even had a romantic arc in the books, or Steve Harrington, who got his heart broken just one too many times on the show, and Spencer Reid, who is, by definition, the perfect man. There are other men too- Jake Peralta, Ben Wyatt, Peeta Mellark, Finnick O’dair, even Loki, who you probably wouldn’t even believe could love you so well. 

But the truth is, there are barely a handful of men like that. The majority of men won’t wish you on your graduation day because they don’t care enough to remember you exist; they’ll leave you on delivered for hours, even though they spend every waking moment on their phone. They’ll call you ‘unemployed’ for wanting a good morning text, and they’ll call you cheesy and embarrassing if you want to enjoy Taylor Swift’s music. Sometimes, they’ll shame you for interests, tell you you’re not funny, over and over again because it will ‘keep you on your toes next time you try to make a joke,’ and just make you feel bad any time you have the audacity to disagree with their opinion. They’ll never take your side, and they’ll tell you you cause drama over nothing and that you only start fights because ‘things are going too well.’ They can go days without talking to you, and sometimes, they never even realize you’re upset, even if you spell it out for them. They’ll tell you they understand (if the issue you have isn’t about them because I guarantee you, they won’t take any responsibility for their own actions) and that they’ve heard you when you tell them about an issue, but they will repeat it - because they don’t care. 

Ultimately, the Spencer Reids of the world are few, and if you are ever lucky enough to find one, you have to lock them down. 

I wish I could tell you you’ll find your Reid for sure, but I can’t. What I can tell you is the story of shitty boyfriends, ones who will bring you down, who’ll shame and degrade you, objectify you, and disrespect you. Those are the men who make up a majority of the population. 

It’s harder to break up with them than with anyone else. A decent guy would understand if you ever want to break up. They’ll understand and acknowledge that they’re doing something wrong. They might even try their best to fix it to keep you because they value you. But breaking up with someone toxic is the worst. Nothing is ever their fault; trust me, I can tell you firsthand. 

I’ve had it with the screaming, begging, and crying. The worst part is that it was all just for some respect. I just wanted him to understand me and my pain. I didn’t even ask for much. Eventually, the screaming and begging stopped, but the crying never did. It’s hard to leave, even when the person you want to leave is the person who has made it clear time and time again that they don’t care about you. 

Maybe once or twice, you’ll try to leave, but then they’ll make a little bit of an effort for a day or two, and it takes you back to the beginning of the relationship, when there were three-hour conversations late into the night, to the times when he would ask you unprovoked what was wrong and then hold you until you were ok again. You think about the times that he actually met your needs (or at least you thought he did because you were just so happy to be loved and wanted), but then you remember that at some point down the lane, he got too comfortable, thinking that you need him too much, and that made it possible for him to step down. You allowed him to think he was your world, and it’s really hard to break out of that gravitational pull because, somehow, you started to believe it, too. 

But when the begging and screaming stops, and you’re left alone holding the torch, crying for him to come back because it’s getting too heavy, and you need help carrying it, but he’s too far gone. He can’t even hear your calls anymore. It feels like if you drop your torch, the world around you will burn, and you’re not ready for that, especially since he’ll escape the flames unharmed.

The thing you’ll wish you never did was meet him. But in a way, isn’t it a good thing that you did? You’re stronger now; the person that you thought was going to drop the torch, burning your life down, has suddenly found the courage and strength to keep moving, making sure it doesn’t burn anything around you. And the light at the end of the tunnel will come. There’s always an escape, even in the worst of darkness. 

The person that you loved and trusted the most will tell you that you’re wrong at every turn, and soon, you’ll start to realize that he’s right, not because of the reasons he told you, but because you’ve made the wrong choice with him. Once that realization clicks, it’s all over. 

Everyone will tell you that once you’ve checked out of a relationship, it will be easier to leave. Maybe that holds true for some, but for others, when you’ve been dependent on a narcissist for so long, it is still hard to pick up the pieces after you’ve left. Maybe even before, sometimes.

“All I want is some communication!” I scream, but it may as well be into a deep void. “Just don’t leave me on delivered for a day. If you're busy or can't reply, just tell me!”

“Ok,” the voice answers. It sounds bored and apathetic, and you realize that you may as well be speaking to a wall. The voice doesn’t care. At one point, there was a human behind it, but now, it’s nothing more than an automated voicemail that you can occasionally leave messages to. “Anything else?”

There is nothing else, nothing left for me to give, no more love, no more caring, no more pieces of me that he can take. It’s all gone.

“No,” I say, realizing that the voice over the phone has defeated me. “No, there is absolutely nothing else.” 

There are swirls of emotions, colors, and feelings in my mind and soul; there is so much left for me to give, but sending even the brightest burning stars into a black hole will only diminish the star's glow. It won’t affect the black hole at all. 

You try to let it go, but it’s hard the first time.

“I want you to understand me.” I sound desperate, borderline pathetic, begging and pleading, but I want him to love me the way I love him; the way I want to be loved. But he doesn't get it. He never has.

“You’re being ridiculous; of course, I understand you.”

“You don’t because if you did, you wouldn’t treat me like this.”

“I don’t even know what else you want me to do!”

That's the point.

I’ve spelled it out. Good morning texts, poetry, handwritten cards. Even a picture of a flower or a sunset that reminds him of me. But he couldn’t even wish me on Valentine’s Day. When I finally got him to go out for dinner, he spent the whole time on his phone and told me that I was ruining the mood because I was upset, and he wouldn’t even look at me. I put so much effort into my outfit, hair, and makeup, and all he could say was, “Why?” 

‘Why?’ indeed. Why did I stay with him? Why would anyone put themselves through such torture? Why would I want to be with a man who didn’t know when National Girlfriend’s Day was? I didn’t tell him because I’d rather he didn’t wish me because he didn’t know, and not because he didn’t care enough to. Especially because I knew for sure he didn’t care enough to. 

“Do you love me?” I’d ask sometimes because he never said it. 

“What kind of question is that?”

I always shrugged. He never answered. 

I realized that he’s a small, pathetic little man who’s scared of not being in a relationship but is not mature or ready enough for one. But me, the person I always thought would crash and burn at loving, well, I realized that I won’t. I love with my entire heart and entire being. I would die for my love before I let them burn out on their own. I deserve someone who would find that extra one if I said 2+2=5, just because it would mean I was right; someone who would burn down the world for me, not allow me to burn down my world because of them. 

There are good times, and there will always be good times; even if you spend hours with a bully, they'll find something nice to say about you just to keep you coming back. Suddenly, the hundred mean, shitty things they said about you won't matter, because of one compliment, or one date that they agreed to go out on, one conversation that made you think that ok, maybe they've changed. But they've never changed. It's just a little bit of bait to keep you hooked, and until you've untangled yourself from the reel completely, they'll just keep pulling you up and slowly killing you.

I’m sick and tired of the things I wish I never did. I’m sick and tired of wishing I’d never met him, for allowing myself to think, even for a second, that there was a future. For building a house filled with laughter, happiness, and playfulness in my dreams. But the truth is, any future with him just includes unheard begging, screaming, and crying. I’m sick of it. I deserve better.

Someday, he might realize, but by then, it'll be too late.

"Do you really feel this way?" he'll ask, and he'll genuinely be baffled by your experiences because he believes he's the perfect partner.

I nod.

"You really want to break up?"

I nod again. "I do."